But hypnosis is a real thing. It is used by actual doctors. It doesn't make you think you're hilarious poultry, but it does calm you down, to the point that you're better able to focus on individual ideas, and are more open to suggestion. Hypnosis is used to treat anxiety, some physical pains, and varied ailments like hot flashes and irritable bowel syndrome. There's some debate over whether it's a distinct state or just a form of deep relaxation, but that's pretty much just an argument over wording. You might tell my hypnosis clients, "You fools! It's all in your head!" but then we'll all roll our eyes and say, "Yeah. That's the point."

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So, where does sex come into all this? Well, sex is a lot like stage hypnotism -- parts of your body respond, noticeably, physically, and very much involuntarily. Now think of a wet dream: If your brain creates the right stimulus even if there's no actual sensual contact, you will orgasm in real life. This all means that when someone pays me to hypnotize them, somebody might wind up sticky.

At this point, the subject becomes open to suggestion, and I can assign them triggers. "When I snap my fingers, you will feel pleasure" is a simple one. Or "each time I clap, you'll feel like you've just done a shot of strong drink. It feels great, but each one is stronger than the last, and soon enough, you'll feel drunk. You won't feel nauseous or sick in the slightest, just giggly, happy, and drunk."

That's just good, clean fun for all. Then the more fringe stuff:

"Your hands feel bound in soft velvet. It feels so incredible that anywhere it touches you won't want or be able to move. Like a tight knot, but so comfortable. Unable to move."

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That's getting closer to the BDSM scene, and you can combine the trigger with a lot of others to get a full experience.

"Your index finger has become your penis. Anything that happens to your finger will happen to your penis. Should your penis move or react your finger will react in kind."

A simple suggestion that, done correctly, can be an interesting experience. I do a similar thing with a female subject by suggesting her hand is closed and anything touching the "mouth" of it, she'll feel on and in her vulva.

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One person told me:

"I want to be hypnotized through a serious tickling session where I'm helpless."

I told her that, upon waking, anytime she tried to move from the chair, she would be unable to move, and her body would just give way back into the seat. There was also a strange sensation coming from the chair and carpet that tickled her intensely. The more she tried to move, the more intense it became, until she couldn't take it anymore and begged for it to stop. She ended up trying to escape her chair and giggling in hysterics, but she said it was the most intense tickling session she's had in a long time.

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Another asked, "Can you make it so my tits spray milk?"

Did you know hypnosis can make you do this?

Me neither. Because it can't. As I discovered, through trial and error. There are realistic boundaries to hypnosis. No chickens, no spontaneous lactation -- probably some others, too.

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I tried to talk him into taking the diaper off so we could speak normally, and he responded much like a petulant toddler. He continued to talk, taking on the part of a child trying to work out how to masturbate, wondering why it feels so good when he thrusts against the bed. In these sessions, it's often hard to distinguish between hypnotic states and just plain sexual role-play.

Another client asked: "Can you make me forget how to be toilet trained?' This played out over five sessions. First, I used suggestions like, "It would be so freeing to let your bladder go whenever. You can imagine that, right? The ability to relax your bladder and let it do its thing. Just so happily, losing control of it as you did your mind. Let it happen, unable to stop it." In the final session, he kinda stopped talking and just looked down. He realized the noise we could hear was him urinating.

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He left happy, and I'm still not sure what to make of his situation. Customer's always right?

"Kaa hypnosis" is its own fetish. Do an image search of it, and you will see the snake hypnotizing every character from every movie ever, for sexual purposes. When the recent Jungle Book movie came out, they cast Scarlett Johansson as Kaa -- seems strange to most of the audience, but we erotic hypnotists just exchanged a look. Disney knows.

More obscure: the ghost clown episode of Scooby-Doo. "You will pay attention for a time and soon your thoughts shall be mine. Watch the pretty coin of gold and you will do as you are told."

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Hypnotizing Daphne into thinking she's a ballerina is still something that gets passed around in the circles -- an "enabling scene" for hypno enthusiasts.

"Hypno's Naptime" from Pokemon is yet another scene that does the trick: Misty gets put under hypnosis by a Hypno, and believes she's a seal. The scene lasts a couple of seconds, and she then runs off to be a seal.

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This is kids' stuff to you, maybe. To some people in the hypnosis community, this is deeply sexual. Of course, you're on the internet right now, so you are no longer surprised by adults sexualizing cartoons -- or indeed, any of the depth and breadth of human perversion.

Then there are sex files. You listen to an audio file (similar to a sex call) where you meet a handsome/beautiful hypnotist for a drink. You glance away, only to catch a glimpse of a crystal on their neck. They reassure you: It's okay to watch it, as it moves gently. Your mouth goes slack, as they whisper sweet nothings, catching your lifeless head as it falls into their shoulder. They take you away into a hotel room, and you're made to pose for their enjoyment, strip for them. Then they tell you to get on the bed, they start teasing you, and you know where it goes from there.

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The best of these files aim to give the listener a "hands-free orgasm." You don't even do the work, you just hit play, sit back, and, uh ... erupt. On a forum I moderated a while back, one of these files was shared, and the creator ordered a take-down. A few weeks later, I'm checking my tickets, and some warn about a malicious file. I investigate. Apparently, someone had re-uploaded the aforementioned file to 4share, only this time, when the hypnotist gets to the final countdown for orgasm, it goes "eight, nine, t- LEEROOOOYYYYYYYY JENKINNSSSSSSSSSS!"

Can cockblocking be considered an art form? If so, we may have found its Picasso.

Ryan Menezes is an editor and interviewer here at Cracked. Follow him on Twitter for stuff cut from this article and other things no one should see.

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