18 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, August 29, 2023

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18 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, August 29, 2023

Shakespeare once said, “A joke by any other punchline would be just as funny.” But I’m not so sure about that. Maybe ol’ Willy Shakes was into Dadaist or absurdist humor. Who knows? He gave a character a donkey’s head in A Midsummer Night’s Dream, so you know he’s into weird stuff. Well, in any case, these jokes are funnier than his stuff...

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Sarah Silverman on Sex

“I like having sex. I think it’s really good. Yeah, it gives you that feeling that you’re working together to achieve a common goal: his orgasm.”

Laurie Kilmartin on Discovering Her Now Ex-Husband’s Mistress

“My son’s father and I, we’re not together. He cheated on me. I found emails from the other woman. One of the emails said, ‘You have a handsome penis.’ I was like, ‘Oh my God, he’s cheating on me with a blind woman.’”

Christopher Titus on His Divorce

“I lost 28 pounds in my divorce — because that’s what a soul weighs.”

George Wallace on Cranberry Sauce

“Are we all just gonna sit here callin’ it ‘cranberry sauce’ when that shit is shaped like a damn can? YOU CAN’T SLICE A SAUCE!”

Kristen Schaal on Pleasing Men

“My mom told me that the secret to pleasing a man was through his stomach, but I found a convenient detour through the penis.”

Aparna Narcherla on Working From Home

“I find it very hard to be productive when you work from home. Like, I feel like the closest thing I have to a boss is Netflix when it’s like, ‘Are you still watching?’ ‘Of course, I’m still watching. I am never not watching. Stop micromanaging me; I’m your best employee. I take all your suggestions.’”

Demetri Martin on One-Armed Men

“I saw a guy at the mall; he had one arm. I was like, ‘Oh man, that’s gotta be rough. That sucks to have just one arm.’ Then I thought, ‘Until you get arrested’: ‘What, are you gonna put an uncomfortable bracelet on me? Thanks for the weapon, cop.’”

Robin Williams on Men

“God gave man a penis and a brain. And only enough blood to run one at a time.”

Phil Wang on Scary Movies

“I hate scary movies. They’re too scary! I don’t want to pay money to feel worse. How comfortable is your life if you have the time, expendable income and desire to pay money to feel fear for fun?”

Caleb Synan on His Christian Upbringing

“My family is very strict Christian; they don’t curse. But they do say horrific shit that happens to be clean. Like we’re all sitting out on the porch, and it started raining when the sun was out. My uncle’s like, ‘Ah, rainin’ when the sun’s out. You know what that means: The devil’s beatin’ his wife.’”

Mitch Hedberg on Animal Crackers

“Animal crackers made people think all animals taste the same. ‘What does a giraffe taste like?’ ‘A hippopotamus!’”

Jimmy Carr on Siblings

“All parents have got a favorite. If your parents told you they didn’t have a favorite, you weren’t it. Unless you’re an only child. If you’re an only child and your parents told you they didn’t have a favorite, that is bad.”

Tracy Morgan on His Drug Addict Aunt

“My aunt was a crackhead. I remember one Christmas, she bought me a Game Boy when I was like 12 years old. She bought it for me, and then she stole it. Then, she helped me look for it. I was so heated, I was like, ‘Why did you steal my Game Boy and help me look for it?’ She said, ‘I had to eliminate myself as a suspect!’”

Norm Macdonald on the Best Disease

“I want to say something about my one buddy, Richie. He has a disease — he has the disease of alcoholism. And he came to me, and he told me, ‘I’m the kind of guy that looks on the bright side of things.’ I told him, ‘Richie, it’s true that you have a disease and everything, but I think you got the best one. It’s the only disease where you can drink booze all the time.’”

Marc Maron on Christmas

“I generally grow this beard out around Christmas. Then, I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and what I do is generally walk through the mall just saying, ‘No, no, this wasn’t what it was supposed to be about, people!’ But if there’s a Santa at the mall, I’ll walk right up to him, and I’ll go, ‘Listen, fat man, you’re just a clown at my birthday party.’”

Wanda Sykes on the Republican Party

“I’m a Black, gay woman. The only way to make the GOP hate me more is if I sent them a video of me rolling around on a pile of welfare checks.”

Hasan Minhaj on Getting Slapped as a Kid

“Do you know when brown kids get slapped at birthday parties? Every brown birthday party! And usually, it’s the kid whose birthday it is. We stand there, we point at him, and we laugh, ‘Ah! Biju got slapped on his birthday!’ That’s what makes us tough and resilient. It’s why we become cardiologists and win spelling bees.”

Steven Wright on Memory

“Right now, I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I’ve forgotten this before.”

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