Divorce is an experience that most of us hope to never have to go through. It can be a deeply traumatic time that feels like it’s set your life back years or decades. We all respond to it in different ways, whether it be buying an expensive motorcycle or by becoming one of those old dudes who gets buff and starts buying ugly jeans and posting photos from the club. However, sometimes, despite the hardships, it is truly the best course of action, and if the marriage was unhealthy, it can also be a very freeing time.
Such appears to be the case for u/violetspecs99 on r/Advice, who seems to be happy to be out of what we must assume was a less-than-perfect situation. But even in good spirits, it can be hard to re-enter the world of the single person, which is why she’s gone to the internet, and by extension, me, for suggestions. She explains that she was very shy when they got together a decade ago, but now is out in the world, looking to experience as much as she can, and asks for “fun ideas.” As someone who has fun upwards of once a month, I am here to help.
Here’s 5 ideas for what to do now that you’re single as hell!
Become The Batman
This city is sick. Crime has taken over. No one feels safe. They need a hero, someone they can believe will save them. Now that you’re divorced, that person can be YOU! You may not have the double parenticide or bat-related trauma that Bruce Wayne does, but that doesn’t mean you can’t become the Batman.
Sure, Bruce Wayne has money that most of us will likely never see in the lifetime, but with a likely increase in discretionary income in your new life as a single woman, you should be able to at the very least buy one or two batarangs. Next, take some classes at one of the MMA gyms that are basically on every street corner nowadays. Then, get to work! Jump down off a fire escape in front of a mugging and say some weird edgy stuff about being the darkness and the shadows in the corner of the room.
Join A Weird Sex Cult
When you were married, if you were to inform your partner that you were headed off to some weird farm slash mansion slash abandoned Cold War Bunker for a weekend of grapes, cheese, and bodily fluids, they would more than likely disapprove. Now, you don’t need to ask anyone’s permission! Keep a lookout at the grocery store for weirdly dressed people buying olives in bulk and not making eye contact, and then ask if they’re taking new applicants.
Once you get an invite, all that’s left is to head to your local Spirit Halloween and pick up a weird animal mask. Pack a bag… but not with too many clothes! Then head off to your new life full of weird group sex and possibly summoning the demon Pazuzu. What’s the worst that could happen? You aren’t allowed to leave and then are forced to carry to term the child of some cult leader with stringy hair and clear aviators? Well, yeah. That wouldn’t be great.
Take To The Sea
I know it seems soon to become betrothed to another so soon after the divorce, but this is no normal love interest. This is the raw rage and froth of nature, the Salty Mistress herself… the sea! Instead of dishes and joint bank accounts she brings you waves and a bounty of delicious fish. At night she rocks you to sleep with the heaving of her brackish bosom. What a life this is!
You could begin as a lowly stowaway, sneaking orange rinds and bits of stale bread to sustain yourself, until you’re discovered. Prove yourself a good worker, however, and instead of walking the plank, you’ll find yourself part of a hearty crew. You may have lost one family, but you’ve quickly gained another. A family that loves only one thing more than another: the glint of gold!
Become Really Horny On Instagram
Being married for so long, certain apps just haven’t fully been open to you. Instagram is one of these. Sure, you had an Instagram when you were married. Maybe even a joint one, if you guys were weird. What you didn’t experience was the seedy underbelly. The desperate DMs, the commenters begging fitness models to come to Brazil.
Now, you can not only observe this, but become an active part. Drink most of a bottle of red wine and take to the Instagram page of every celebrity you’ve ever doodled your diddle to. Hit them with a “WOW” or a couple heart eyes emojis. Post one of those comments that sounds like something a guy would whisper between prison bars in a movie when the female guard walks by. You’re free and clear to enter your creepy era, and Instagram is the domain of the creep.
Have Sex With Chuck E. Cheese
Nothing will make your ex-hubby green like seeing you out with another man, or in this case, mouse. Sure, you could sleep with his best friend or his boss, but he can always end a friendship or quit his job. Chuck E. Cheese is nearly impossible to cut out of someone’s life. Even if he ends up happily remarried, with a child or two of his own, when it comes time for birthday party planning, there’s one location you’ve permanently taken off the table.
So head over there, post up at the knee-height table closest to the arcade rat, and tongue a Shirley Temple straw while flashing your assets at his big, dull, glassy eyes. If all goes well, you’ll be picking gray fur out of your car backseat for weeks.