14 Jokes For The Hall Of Fame
“If I was an Olympic athlete, I’d rather come in last than win the silver medal. You win the gold, you feel good. You win the bronze, you think, ‘at least I got something.’ But you win that silver, that’s like, ‘Congratulations, you almost won! Of all the losers, you came in first! You’re the number one loser! No one lost ahead of you!’”
Sam’s famous “Go where the food is” bit where he solves the problem of world hunger in one short screaming match. The U-Hauls are on their way, Sam.
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? ‘Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’”
I was thrown out of Weight Watchers for making sarcastic comments during the weekly weigh-in. As you can Imagine I accepted the decision with huge Grace because they threw her out as well.
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
“Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full-time job and children.”
Bill Hicks has obviously never been to an H&M clothing factory.
“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”
“My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue – completely pale, no arms.”
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
“If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been ‘It’s round.'”
A second helpful line could have been “Do not go see Grown Ups 2, you can’t get that time back.”
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
“We weren’t very religious. On Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah on a dimmer.”
“This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.”
Bo’s parody country song “Pandering” on his special Make Happy. The song lampoons “Keith Urban’s” style of stadium country music, with such features as jeans, trucks and a sexy scarecrow.
Aziz Ansari’s former stand-up alter ego Randy, closing out his special Intimate Moments For a Sensual Evening. The character was created for Judd Apatow’s movie Funny People but Ansari liked the character so much he just kept doing it.
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Top Image: Netflix