Grab the plaque polish, wax the floors and dust the trophy case because it's time to induct 15 more jokes into the comedy hall of fame. Invite your friends and family, and abide by the strict black tie dress code as we sift through 15 perfect jokes.
"I went on a hardcore drinking and smoking binge. It lasted right about nine months. And then as soon as I was born, I was like, “Do not go in there.”
She came out with a pipe and scotch.
“You can say, ‘Can I use your bathroom?’ and nobody cares. But if you ask, ‘Can I use the plop-plop machine?’ it always breaks the conversation.”
Do NOT say this at a funeral.
“You don’t like pets, pet people act like you’re a monster. “You don’t like pets? You’re so mean!” Really, I’m mean? I’m not the one keeping a live animal hostage in my apartment. “He loves me.” Really? Open the door.”
This is why my only pets are bed bugs.
Now THIS is how you sit on a fence.
“ pro abortion for one reason: I honestly think that some of those babies would’ve grown up to be abortion doctors.”
“Come on, hotels are great. Everybody loves hotels. Especially when you check in with your significant other. Why? Because you know in a hotel you’re gonna have sex, and you’re gonna have an elevated form of sex. You’re gonna have hotel room sex, which is, let’s have sex, but let’s also disrespect this room.”
Hotel maids have seen horrors that rival Pearl Harbor.
“I told my daughter ‘you are as beautiful as a princess.’ That’s an amazing compliment. She got mad at me, she goes ‘No, daddy, I’m prettier than a princess.” And I thought, ‘you’d better be because your personality is s**t.”
Let your kids know early on if they’re unlikable.
“When you eat a lot of spicy food you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.”
Word to the wise: stick with the number two heat level or you'll risk a Phil Collins.
“ got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself — which is a nice thing to do — but then I messed up, and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to both of my parents. Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, but I don’t even care, ’cause now I have to call up my mother and say ‘Mom, I am so sorry — that picture was just for dad.’”
Norm always had his finger on the pulse of society, saying the things other people were afraid to.
“You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don’t care for him.”
Joan Rivers has about 90 jokes in the hall of fame.
“I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for ‘Best Special Effects.’”
“I’m Mexican, stay with me... I’m Mexican; I come from a traditional Mexican family. My father is a migrant worker and my mom is a Virgin Mary candle.”
Watch out for Martin, he may be your new go-to for one liners.
“I always give homeless people money, and my friends yell at me, 'He's only going to buy more alcohol and cigarettes.' And I'm thinking, 'Oh, like I wasn't?'”
Invite the homeless to your next party. They know how to do it right.
Funny or Die
“When you look like I do it's hard to get a table for one at Chuck E. Cheese.”
One table for…Gabizinafkis?
We love a joke that is so specific only one comic can tell it.
“Genetics didn’t quite work with me. My career options were either comedy, softball coach or UPS driver. I don’t look good in brown, so I’m a comedian.”
David Alan Grier
What a rascal!
“I couldn’t get a date the entire freshman year of college. The whole year I spend… well, they call it stalking now. But I call it getting to know you.”
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Top Image: Funny or Die