Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld

slgckgc/Wikimedia Commons

 

One of the rare moments that Jerry gets dark.

“Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.”

Billy Connolly

Great, now we’re gonna be up all night.

“I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snow-plow get to work in the morning… that can keep me awake for days.”

Nate Bargatze

Nate Bargatze

Lisa Gansky/Wikimedia Commons

Next time, let’s play “doing our taxes”.

“You would play house, you would fake vacuum. Fake vacuum with your friends, that was awesome. It's great because when I see my wife vacuum now I'm like, 'She is living her childhood dream.’”

Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer

NBC & Broadway Video

What does your spousal choice say about you?

“Marrying a chef is a little on-the-nose for me. It’s like Snoop marrying weed.”

Chelsea Handler

I mean, you don’t want 4 toaster ovens.

"I don't like these brides, and they go and register for their own gifts. Who decided it was OK to pick out your own gifts? And then they act surprised when they get the gift and write you a thank-you letter like, 'Oh my God, thank you so much for your thoughtful gift. How did you know? It's like, b*tch, you picked it out, that's how I knew, OK? I typed in your name and a ceiling fan came up."

Jimmy O. Yang

Conaco

Thanks for just being you, Jimmy.

Representation matters, man. A lot of Asian people come up to me, very proud, very nice. They’re like, Jimmy, thank you for represent the Asians, man. I’m like, eh, you’re welcome. But you do understand, it’s not really a choice, right? Like, when you wake up Asian, you can only represent Asians. I couldn’t just wake up one day and be like, f*ck it, I’m representing Nigerians today.”

Whitney Cummings

Realism in the bedroom.

“Apparently, the most popular role play fantasy is the nurse fantasy. If I was going to do the nurse fantasy for my man, I would just make him wait in the living room for an hour and read Highlights magazine before rejecting his health insurance.”

Chris Rock

Chris Rock

HBO

If it weren’t for these pesky laws…

"I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? 'Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it's against the law.’"

Bob Newhart

Or “insult”. Just checked on thesaurus.com.

"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for those who like country music, denigrate means to 'put down.'" 

Maria Bamford

Maria Bamford

Comedy Central

Dieting is more about the destination than the journey.

"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I'm so hungry.”

Steven Wright

Steven Wright

ICM Partners

Another ballsy guy in the restaurant.

"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”

Margaret Cho

Decisions, decisions.

"I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos. I want one, but I can't decide what I want and I don't want to be stuck with one I'm just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later."

Norm Macdonald

Norm Macdonald

Warner Media

He couldn’t have just made Norm cluck like a chicken?

“I went to a hypnotist. He put me under a spell, and every time I had a craving for a cigarette, I would throw up. It’s very embarrassing right after sex. I find it pretty hard to get that second date after that. Girls get all snobby after you barf on them.”

For exclusive ComedyNerd content, subscribe to our dope newsletter:

Top Image: slgckgc/Wikimedia Commons

Tags

Forgot Password?