Comedy is an artform. The greatest comedians of our age are our Van Goh's and Michelangelo's. We've compiled 15 of the best jokes… or Mona Lisa's if you will. I don't know if this analogy has legs. Here's 15 jokes for the comedy hall of fame.

Demitri Martin

Demitri Martin

Netflix

Don't burn your toast while having a stroke.

"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades." 

Eugene Mirman

Eugene Mirman

Wikimedia Commons Author: Gage Skidmore

A womanizer from a young age.

“From 6th to 12th grade I was in special ed. They put me in special ed because they thought I was slow, but I stayed in special ed…. For the ladies.”

Chelsea Peretti

NBC Universal

The walls have eyes.

“If these walls could talk they’d be like, “damn b***h, you’re back in bed again?”

Brian Regan

The exact thought I have whenever I see a log truck now.

"I've never understood log trucks, sometimes you'll be out on the highway, you see two big giant trucks loaded up with logs, and they pass each other on the highway... I don't understand it. I mean, if they need logs over there... and they need 'em over there, you'd think a phone call would save 'em a whole lot of trouble."

Steve Martin

Steve Martin

Broadway Video

That explains it!

“I saw the movie Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon and was surprised because I didn't see any tigers or dragons. Then I realized why: they’re crouching and hidden.”

Kumail Nanjiani

Kumail Nanjiani

Wikimedia Commons Author: Tyler Ross

This joke is almost 10 years old now, and I think he's manifested it.

“I want to be so famous that I’m the pop-culture reference that people would make to try and be racist to me. So I’d be walking down the street, and someone would be, like, ‘Hey, look at this Kumail Nanjiani."

Rodney Dangerfield

Is Rodney still king of the one-liner?

"When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m very sorry. We did everything we could…but he pulled through.”

Gilbert Gottfried

Gilbert Gottfried was a regular on Hollywood Squares. In this famous clip Gottfried comes up with amazing punchlines on the spot, then proceeds to mess with both contestants, intentionally trying to make them guess incorrectly. RIP to this joke savant.

Joan Rivers

Wikimedia Commons Author: Underbelly Limited

If that's what sex is, I lost my virginity WAY too early.

"I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, “The man goes on top and the woman underneath.” For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds."

Nick Thune

Nick Thune

NBC Universal

My Dad always wants to go there whenever I tell him I'm depressed.

“I want to open up a restaurant and name it “I don't care” so I can finally go to the place my girlfriend is always talking about.”

Myq Kaplin

Myq Kaplan

Viacom

If you love rapid fire jokes, you need Myq Kaplan in your life.

“I'm Jewish. I'm not uber-Jewish. Like I will use German to describe how Jewish I am.”

Bo Burnham

Bo Burnham

Netflix

Oh THAT'S how it works.

"For 15 cents a day you can feed an African. They eat pennies."

Phyllis Diller

Wikimedia Commons Author: Allan Warren

Marry a young blind man if possible.

“Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight”

Norm Macdonald

Norm

Conaco

Who came up with this abbreviation?

“ID is a strange abbreviation. I is short for I, and D is short for dentification.”

Richard Pryor

Broadway Video

I think there's been some sort of mistake…

"I woke up in an ambulance. And it wasn't nothing but white people staring at me. I said, Ain't this a b***h. I done died and wound up in the wrong muthaf****g heaven."

For exclusive ComedyNerd content and more, subscribe to our spiffy newsletter:

Get More Comedy: Sign up for ComedyNerd

The ComedyNerd newsletter is your weekly look at the world of stand up, sketch, and more. Sign up now!

Top Image: Viacom

Tags

Forgot Password?