6 Hilariously Awful Lessons Hidden In Famous Video Games

This happens three times -- a Triforce of violation, if you will. The first time involves Paya, a chronically shy woman who can barely form coherent sentences. She has a diary, and if you try to read it, she'll stop you, saying you shouldn't "trouble yourself over it."

NintendoThat's a nice way of saying "Stay the fuck away from my property."

So how do you get her backstory? By sneaking into her room at night and reading the diary anyway. What secrets do you learn? A new recipe? A legendary weapon that'll shatter after five hits? No, something even more pointless: Paya fancies Link. (Which must mean she's 1/16th fish.)

A short while later you meet Purah, a 100-year-old woman who looks (and speaks) like a small child. What is the mystery of her backward aging? Again, to learn the answer, you must read her private diary.

Nintendo

Nintendo

NintendoLooking like that, we're assuming she fell through a portal from Wind Waker.

Purah will then question you about the diary, and if you admit you read it, she'll praise your honesty. There's no real punishment for breaking the trust of an elderly person / little kid (not sure which one's worse).

Then, at the end of the game, moments before taking on Ganon in the destroyed Hyrule Castle, you can pause your epic quest to ... peek at Zelda's diary.

Nintendo"Wait, I thought I was Zelda."

While Zelda isn't around to object, the diary contains her private thoughts about Link, so it's safe to assume she wouldn't want him reading it. The game treats a major creep move as a harmless gag. The only upside is that 99% of players only read the first pages and then spammed "A" to skip through the rest.

The cat-like Khajiits, for instance, are forced to wander the map as traders because the Nords see them all as drug dealers, addicts, and thieves. But pretty much every Khajiit you meet in the game is at least one of those things. The Khajiit who laments her poor existence as a frozen nomad because the Nords stereotype her as a drug dealer? Yeah, she's exactly that. There's a note elsewhere in the game that details her skooma operation (skooma is fantasy meth). Most of the Khajiit in the game are part of caravans that are banned from towns because people think they're thieves. Except that if you do the Thieves Guild quest, the Khajiit caravans form an alliance with the Thieves Guild ... meaning that the Nords were definitely onto something there.

What about J'Zargo, that nice Khajiit mage? A filthy thief.

Bethesda SoftworksProbably not a very good one if he goes around telling people about it, but still.

Every named Khajiit is a thief or a murderer, and the ones who aren't named are generic thugs. There's exactly one Khajiit who isn't explicitly bad: the lighthouse keeper Ma'zaka. But he has a closet filled with children's clothes. He doesn't have a child. As such, the game imparts this moral: Judging an entire race on a negative stereotype is harmful ... but come on. They kinda have it coming.

... that only lasts for about two seconds. Then she decides that the only way to make it all better is to go steal yet another dangerous magical artifact she knows nothing about. Of course, she ends up being proven right. She saves the rest of the world (at least from herself) and kills all of the bad guys, who weren't nearly as much of a threat in comparison. Serves them right for messing with the apex predator. The lesson: If you mess things up horribly, simply mess them up again in a slightly different way, and they'll cancel each other out.

In the end, Sonic defeats the genie and traps him inside his lamp forever. Problem is, it turns out the bad guy was somehow a very close friend of the good genie who helps Sonic throughout the game. This means that his imprisonment is going to leave her sad and alone forever.

But wait! Sonic has a magic lamp and one wish left. This means he can wish for a happy ending, like a magical cure for her melancholy, or a new friend, or a way for her to accompany Sonic back to his world. So what does Sonic ask for? "A mountain of handkerchiefs." For her to cry into.

That is cold-blooded, Sonic.

In case you're blissfully unaware, a common belief among antisemites is that there's a secret Jewish cabal that runs Hollywood, owns the banks, dominates politics, controls the weather, etc. It's up there with "vaccines are evil" as one of the stupidest, most harmful conspiracy theories out there ... but in these games, it's kind of true. The Da'at Yichud have a monopoly on tech that only the members of their global Jewish society are aware of. And they may not control the banks, but they do have enough gold to plate entire buildings, which is even more impressive.

Bethesda Softworks

Bethesda SoftworksCome on, what kind of ridiculous cartoon of a human being would even want a golden toilet?

The Da'at Yichud's tech is so advanced that it can cure decapitations, let the disabled walk, and colonize other planets, but they kept it all to themselves for centuries. (Supposedly they saw the act of building technology as a way to "commune with God," and that technology just happened to be shaped like giant mega-weapons and Iron Man suits.) So they've been letting illnesses go uncured and hoarding knowledge that could change the world, which sounds pretty "evil secret society" to us.

Like all fascist regimes, the Nazis believed their enemies were somehow both weak and incredibly powerful at the same time. That's exactly what the Da'at Yichud are. The Nazis manage to conquer the world with the contents of one of their vaults, but there are several more across the planet. What were they doing in the other ones? Did the entire Nazi world domination plan happen during Sabbath?

The Da'at Yichud do get off their asses and help fight the Nazis in the end ... after an Aryan-looking Adonis tells them to. These games' plots made more sense when it was one dude fighting Mecha-Hitler.

You are welcome to tell Tiagosvn not all of these games are sociopathic to his Twitter face.

For more, check out What Your Favorite Video Game Says About You - After Hours:

Also, we'd love to know more about you and your interesting lives, dear readers. If you spend your days doing cool stuff, drop us a line at iDoCoolStuff at Cracked dot com, and maybe we can share your story with the entire internet.

Follow us on Facebook. Game on.