Cracked Round-Up: Middle of Winter Edition

It's cold. It's so ass-bitingly cold that we've started to burn our gasoline instead of huffing it. Maybe when enough of us die corporate will finally agree that heating is a necessary expense in an underwater Arctic base.

Our week kicked off with some job hunting hints from Bucholz that will probably, in reality, get you much worse than just "arrested". Brockway followed up with a trip to the Large Hadron Collider that results in shenanigans. Cody tries to write a Goosebumps novel, but fails spectacularly. Dan O'Brien rounds us off with a retrospective on baffling photoshoppery.

BOGGLING

6 Movie Plots Made Possible By Bafflingly Bad Decisions To be fair, when you boil it all down, most of history is just a long series of bad decisions.

Mostly, people talked about Lord of the Rings.

MAD

6 Insane Laws We'll Need In The Future The future will be a terribly litigous time.

Notable Comment:

"You know that if VR sex is ever a reality, nerds the world over will be compelled to use it instead of real sex. Legality aside, the problem with VR sex is how it would redefine virginity. "

FatCorgi, we're trying so hard to not make a joke about World of Warcraft right now.

MAGICK

5 Plot Devices That Make Good Video Games Suck The trick was narrowing it down to just five.

"Hey, infamous had a pretty good morallity system. Come on, if you made that bad decision at the end your girlfriend cursed you at her deathbed. "

Oh yeah, Zactheimpailer, that's worth a fourth play through.

TERRIBLE

5 Horrific Ways Your Brain Can Turn On You Without Warning This is not a good article to read if you've had a weird, reoccurring headache lately that you're "pretty sure" isn't a sign of anything bad.

Azureskies says, "Sleep paralysis does not account for EVERY SINGLE GHOST OR DEMONIC OR ALIEN ABDUCTION. Dealing in absolutes when in reality you know absolutely nothing is stupid. Funny article non the less. "

Translation from Crazy to English: I believe in ghosts and demons and aliens and you should to! Refusing to believe in mystic moon men without any hard evidence is closed-minded.

RITALIN

7 Things Good Parents Do That Screw Kids Up For Life Of course, the best way to raise children is to expose them to Cracked magazine from an early age. Have you considered renting one of our columnists for a birthday party? Brockway will do pretty much anything for drugs, and Dan can be tricked as long as you have a leprechaun costume, or tits.

Notable Comment:

"Well, my nephew is doubly f**ked. His mom named him Preston AND they parked him in front of Baby Einstein for hours on end."

Keep an eye on that kid, DrNordo. In a few years he's going to know where all the good dealers are.

Agents of Cracked

Agents of Cracked: The Worst First Day Ever A new story unfolds.

YOU YOU YOU!

Rejected Ideas For Disaster Movies We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, How to REALLY Scare People On Halloween

11.13.09:

Is that man in the sign having sex with that baby?
by Xanatos

Editor's pick:

Obviously a close-knit group.
by geniuswaitress

11.12.09:

Day 37: Have obtained small child, humans still fooled by my clever disguise.
by orphan

Editor's pick:

People criticize, but it's STILL a better babysitter than TV.
by Kamikaze Phoenix

11.11.09:

"Goddamn it, Mapquest! Where the hell is Dracula's castle?"
by Smithereen

Editor's pick:

A pre-internet flame war.
by frohsusi

11.10.09:

Hey man, I can see your junk...
by Stuparstar

Editor's pick:

I like trvaleing, but I just can't handle all the euro-trash.
by slickjamesjik

11.09.09:

This is how you cross the desert in WTFistan.
by Truthiness

Editor's pick:

They See Me Rollin'.
by thisisme_ari

11.08.09:

Do you know the difference between a fraternity prank and seven separate felony charges? These guys don't.
by Julius_Goat

Editor's pick:

Great, now TANKS are gay. Is nothing sacred?
by Guythreepwood

11.07.09:

Fred stood there for 15 minutes choking on a mint before anyone noticed that he wasn't breathing
by SRLivewire

Editor's pick:

White musicians always fuck up the blues.
by geniuswaitress