|
It seems like it's close to impossible to raise a normal child these days, what with the violent video games and the 4chan and the childhood obesity. But if the latest research is to be believed, even the good stuff we thought we were doing for our kids is ruining them.
Yes, as it turns out the most innocent things we do to our kids every day can fuck them up worse than having the Joker shoot their parents in front of them. #7.
Giving Your Kids a Creative Name
You'd Think... You want your kid to be special. There are a few million Daves, Bobs and Johns running around NOT being totally awesome and obviously it's all because of their boring-ass names. So you decide to name your son something original, like Malcolm, Ivan or Dicksmash McIroncock.
But in Reality... You have just sent your flesh and blood straight into the middle of a massive man-rape in the prison shower. According to a study at the Shippensburg University, kids growing up with ordinary, popular names have a higher chance to become law abiding citizens, while all the unusually named ones should start deciding what state they want to commit their first felony in (friendly tip, skip Texas). The study lists the top 10 bad boy names in America as: Alec, Ernest, Garland, Ivan, Kareem, Luke, Malcolm, Preston, Tyrell and Walter, which we must point out are not the names of any serial killer or presidential assassin that has ever existed, so we're assuming the research is skewed in a certain direction.
The theory is that the additional attention garnered by odd and unusual names can cause peer ridicule and discrimination in the workforce, which tends to result in a few thousand Alecs and Prestons stealing toilet paper from the gas station. So do your kid a favor and give him a typical law-abiding, mentally stable name, like Michael.
#6.
Teaching Them To Be Themselves
You'd Think... Peer pressure is the thing that makes kids smoke cigarettes, do drugs and read pornographic magazines by the time they reach middle school. As countless PSAs and after-school specials taught us, we must teach our kids to be themselves and never give two halves of a fuck about what their "friends" think. But in Reality... Remember that smelly kid in school, who never washed his hair, had no friends and once pissed in the sink at that party he wasn't invited to? That's your kid, without peer pressure. A study conducted at the University of Virginia showed that kids who were exposed to peer pressure around the ages of 12 and 13 turned out to be way more well-adjusted than the ones who weren't. They better understood the need to accommodate and make compromises when confronted with social pressure, rather than the "I'll just take my ball and go home" attitude they adopt otherwise.
The kids who were taught to be themselves no matter what didn't become walking clones of James Dean. They actually turned out less engaged, socially challenged and statistically less intelligent, their GPAs dropping almost an entire letter grade. Maybe more importantly, when you actually give a damn about how people view you, it develops a skill of reading the most subtle changes in people's emotional states, leading ultimately to a heightened sense of empathy. In this socially awkward age of the Internet, it turns out peer pressure at the right time can basically give you superpowers.
#5.
Making Them Play Sports
You'd Think... Nobody wants their child to grow up a dateless nerd, so as soon as his bones harden up, it's off to football practice. There, the guy who used to steal your lunch money and punched a girl at recess in fourth grade will teach your children important life lessons about fair play and sportsmanship, which will naturally transform them into honest, hard working adults.
But in Reality... Remember your school days, when Steve the quarterback managed to keep passing his classes despite firmly believing that the first president of the United States was George Washington Carver? If you suspected he was cheating somehow, a study of over 5000 students from the Los Angeles-based Josephson Institute seems to confirm it. According to the study, athletes are some of the most dishonest kids in school, with football players turning out the worst with over 72 percent admitting to having cheated during various examinations. Where does this attitude come from? The study suggests it might be the coaches.
But let's face it, you're not sending your kid off to practice so he can have a good time and make friends. You want some goddamn trophies, so coaches are not above teaching kids how to cut corners, feign injuries and do whatever humiliating damage they can to their opponents, because hey, nothing else matters but winning, right?
#4.
Starting Them In School Early
You'd Think... Education must not wait. Your parents waited until you were seven before sending you to school and look at how fucking sad you turned out. You'll be damned if your child suffers the same ill-fate. Is six-months old too early to start attending school? Come on, what's the worst that could happen?
But in Reality... We hope you didn't have any plans to remodel your basement, because your kid will be living there for a very long time. A study by the National Foundation for Educational Research in the UK has concluded that children who start schooling before the age of six are more likely to drop out from higher education facilities, smoke weed and play guitar badly. Researchers say sending kids to school before they've developed even the basic little-kid skills of a six-year-old can cause them to suffer from anxiety attacks and develop low self-esteem issues, giving them a bad attitude about the whole "going to school" thing that follows them throughout their education. This does introduce children to the hopeless, bitter disappointment that is life and prepares them for their soul crushing future office workplace, but even those places want at least a high school diploma. |
5 Self-Destructive Ways People Accidentally Cured Themselves
6 Fake Foods You (Will Wish You Didn't) Have in Your Kitchen
6 Natural Disasters That Were Caused by Human Stupidity
17 More Images You Won't Believe Aren't Photoshopped
Join eRepublik! Change the world, rewrite history, become the president of your country, build the biggest company in the world, or lead your country to victory in battles. You can do whatever you want, the choice is yours. http://www.erepublik.com/en/referrer/Roflolmao
Since when are Malcolm, Luke, Alec, Walter, Ivan, or Preston uncommon names?
@Ravenrider92 "vocabulary of a graduate student" "unsubstanchated" son, i am disappoint.
#4 is flawed I may be an outlier but i started school at 3 and i test at a genius level with the vocabulary of a graduate student. This is just anecdotal evidence and thus unsubstanchated but a counter example know the less.
I laughed my ass of at the top picture for Number 2.
Cheese. 2-7. (Although #4 was completely the diabolical work of my sweet little grandparents.) I guess the fact that it was tempered with raging fatherly abuse helped me turn out A-OK. (Ha!) The article definitely dredges up everything that you've come to expect about American childhood, though. Kids named Connor sulking in quiet corners playing their X-Box, listening to Three Days Grace, reeking of all the baths they have not taken, squeezing their juice boxes dramatically and wondering why their teachers are weirded out/concerned (the pedophiles!) hamsterjelly--it's not because they're liberal, it's because they're yuppies and subconsciously would rather their kid had been cremated than born autistic. Been there, seen that. (My mother used to work with special needs kids and every other parent; seriously, every other one; was so certain that the kid would one day be replaced by a normal child who was perfect in every way. They were in massive denial, often to the hindrance of their kid. When she should have been teaching them things like opening doors and pulling up their pants the parents were pushing arithmetic. They hadn't even mastered their a, let alone their abc's...)
American parents suck.
That's what stupid celebrities don't understand. Giving your kid a "unique" name is like tattooing on their forehead "Please eat me alive". There's this stupid video on youtube about these "proud" parents of an autistic kid and they named him "Phoenix". I'm not kidding. I told them that they've just scarred their kid for life, and they yelled at me. God, they're idiots. Sometimes, my liberal brethren can be quite embarrassing. Maybe I should've gone independent like my other friends.
do you write all of your articles baked? just wondering because it would make alot of sense to me right now if you did...
Apparently, college men who play team sports, especially football and basketball, are the individuals most likely to commit gang rape and frequently have higher rape myth acceptance (e.g. believing that "when a woman says no, she really means yes"). So making your kid do sports turns them into cheating rapists!
yup, f**k sports thank God my parents didn't force me into that s**t
Well, that's why I'm so normal, my parents never did any of those things to me, not even a little.
"higher education facilities, smoke weed and play guitar badly." omigod. how did you find me? Peer pressure is bulls**t anyway. As a kid I smoked and drank because I wanted to, not because someone bullied me into it. Do they seriously believe that there are highschool kids who don't want to smoke and drink? Fucking hell that's misguided.
this is also what can happen: http://www.tameyourparents.com with internet, douchebag parenting can have real douchebag results.
Now i see what went wrong with me...
How dare you ask moderation from parents? Don't you know the world is coming to kill us all?
TromeoQue, I agree with you, but bear in mind liberals and conservatives alike could stand to be set straight on that score. I think the worst sin we commit on telling ourselves that we don't have to put any real effort into anything is our huge national debt. I think a lot of hostility towards the United States could be explained by creditor nations seeing us as that friend who borrows money and never pays it back. I mean for a creditor having a debtor who has a huge debt that will take them a long time to pay back with acc*mulated interest is like money in the bank. But, that's only if the debtor is paying back! As far as I know we've only been borrowing more. We have not been paying down the debt in decades. Though oddly enough I understand that virtually all the developed nations have the same problem. Switzerland apparently has the largest per capita national debt of all people. Portugal, Norway, and Finland were not on the list of "top debtor nations" I saw so maybe they're the exceptions. Maybe the nations of western Europe have likewise fallen into the trap of too much self esteem. I'm also noticing that nations with more authoritarian leadership styles, like China, and Russia, seem to manage their balances fairly well. I'm thinking in part this is due to a tendency by leaders in democratic nations to mollify their constituents with spoiling spending. But, also I get the idea that leaders of authoritarian governments tend to have more of a sense of ownership of their governments, so they feel more personally invested in their fiscal health. This, of course, is in contrast to the terrible mismanagement of communism.
http://www.erepublik.com/en/referrer/Sirbeg Join eRepublik! Change the world, rewrite history, become the president of your country, build the biggest company in the world, or lead your country to victory in battles. You can do whatever you want, the choice is yours. http://www.erepublik.com/en/referrer/Sirbeg
i like how the ad at the bottom of the article is 'dating for geeks'
That "heaping praise" part sounds like this country. "Greatest country in the world, so there's no need to make it any better, right?"
7 Secrets Only Two Living People Know (For Some Reason)
The 15 Most Shameless Fake Photos Ever Passed Off as Real
6 Creepy Urban Legends That Happen to be True (Part 3!)
The 6 Creepiest Places on Earth
The Men Who Stare At Goats: New Trailer
Curse of the Duck Hunt Dog
Copyright © 2005 - 2009 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.
Reddit
Facebook
StumbleUpon
Digg
Del.icio.us
Fark
