“Robert Brockway, Completely Respectable Journalist,” I lied to the man.
“That’s, uh…that’s great. Can I help you?” the sniveling, weaselly little bastard at the reception desk replied.
“Listen you sniveling, weaselly, little bastard,” I told him, in order to keep narrative consistency,“I am a goddamn reporter. I ask the questions around here; I don’t answer them. I don’t even know how to answer questions. I don’t even really understand what the word ‘answer’ means. Is it a dance? Some sort of spicy soup? I don’t know! That’s how good a journalist I am.”
Pictured: The best journalist ever.
“Sir, this is a highly secure area. I’m afraid that, without extensive clearance and an appointment, I simply cannot let you beyond this point,” said the weasel, sniveling. Or at least I think that’s what he said - at this point I was sprinting past him at top speed down the hallway and his voice was growing rather faint.
He caught up to me after about 50 feet, when I had to lay down for a minute to get the wheezing under control. In retrospect, I should probably have put out at least one of the traditional pre-scam cigarettes I lit up immediately prior to running.
“Sir, I’m going to call security. The Large Hadron Collider is not a joke, and we take any attempts at forced entry very seriously.”
PROTIP: Try to avoid the words “forced entry” when you work at a giant, distended robot anus.
A group of be-suited gentlemen came around the corner just then and, thinking quickly, I jumped to my feet and thrust my package into the receptionist’s outspread palm.
“RAAAPE!” I cried.
The man frantically tried to withdraw his hand, but I nimbly matched his every movement, and managed to keep my junk firmly in place as he jumped, flailed and ran about. To the casual observer, it appeared as though he was hurling me around the room by my dick.
“THIS IS SUCH A HARDCORE RAPE THAT YOU ARE DOING TO ME!” I screamed in panic. One of the suits quickly jogged up to us and heroically separated hand from balls.
“Jesus Christ, Amir! What are you doing?!” he demanded, only half-disturbed when I snuggled up into the nook of his arms for comfort, and began sobbing like a little girl. (Hey, there’s no room for dignity in a good scam. You gotta sell that shit.)
Pictured: Some bitch sellin’ it.
“Sir I… he was going to… I didn’t,” the receptionist tried to stammer out an explanation, but at that moment the suited man glanced over his shoulder. When he turned his gaze back a split-second later, we were all mildly surprised to find my genitals in Amir’s hands again.
“This man is rape’s biggest fan! He’s a rape expert!” I huddled back against the wall, wailing hysterically.
As they dragged Amir from the building–hog-tied and positively marinated in mace–my would-be rescuer spoke to me.
“I am so, so sorry about that. My name is Vance and I’m the Operations Manager here. Can I help you with anything, anything at all?”
“My name is Robert Brockway, and I’m a for realsies journalist. I had a tour of the facilities scheduled for my magazine,” I started the long, arduous process of lighting up my traditional post-scam cigarettes.
“I love it when a scam comes together.”
“That’s funny, I don’t see your name here…” the man said, checking some paperwork at the desk.
“Yeah that is funny; I bet Amir raped it off of there or something. Listen, that’s not important anyway. I’ve got a better story now: ‘Particle Acceleration Turns All Men into Rape Aficionados.’ Good headline, eh?”
“Jesus, no! Listen, I’ll take you on a tour myself. Show you around the place. It’s really quite an amazing facility, and I’m sure you’ll see that advanced physics is not at all a rape-friendly field. Unlike those god-forsaken marine biologists. Come on.” He led me gently by the arm to the elevators, and we descended downward into the guts of the accelerator.
“I’m so glad I went to six years of college so I could GIVE IT TO THIS SLUTTY JELLYFISH.” - Every Marine Biologist
“What’s this thingy, Vince?” I grabbed what is scientifically classified as a “gizmo” off the table and tossed it casually from hand to hand.
“It’s Vance and- oh god! Put that down!” He frantically rushed over and stole my science doowacky.
“What? Is that important or something?”
“Yes, it’s incredibly important! All of the equipment here is terribly sensitive and just astoundingly expensive. Please refrain from touching anything. Also, we do frown on smoking on the premises. You really shouldn’t smoke more than four cigarettes at a time, anyway. Would you mind putting some of them out?”
“I’d love to, Vaughn, but I won’t be doing that at all. Ever. There’s this little thing called ‘journalistic immunity.’ Maybe you’ve heard of it? Your laws don’t apply to me,” I answered, striding purposefully down the nearest random hallway. I once read that it’s important to maintain control in new social encounters, and the best way to do it is to subtly steer the course of conversation. So I started taking wild, random turns throughout the complex while I talked. Just, you know… just steering the hell out of that conversation.
“No, you’re thinking of diplomatic immunity,” Vance replied, struggling to keep up.
Pictured: The second greatest journalist ever.
“Yeah, that. It’s like that, but better. Anyway,” I continued, absent-mindedly juggling a couple of doo-dads, “let’s collide us some hard-ons, eh?”
“Yes, ha ha. We’re all quite familiar with that joke here,” Virgil desperately seized the science thingamajigs from their thrown orbits and replaced them in the various machines I had ripped them out of along the way.
“Joke? What joke?”
“You…what magazine did you say you worked for?” He began to eye me, for the first time, with suspicion. I was hurt. I expected this kind of treatment from nuns, police officers, children, the elderly, full-sighted women and Puerto Ricans, but not Viktor!
“Unpopular Mechanics,” I said, choking back tears and some pills.
“Unpopular Mechanics?” He repeated skeptically.
“Yeah, it’s like Popular Mechanics but we cover the loser science. You know, like the really fat, stupid robots and that gay stuff with the numbers.” I took two quick lefts, ducked under a pipe and climbed a short ladder. As long as I kept talking quickly enough, Vance was too distracted to protest.
This issue: We unveil the new DipshitBot 5000!
“Math?”
“Yeah, that stuff. Also, we’re doing a piece on your pussy machine here.” I took four quick lefts, bringing us full circle, and then dropped down a vent.
“Our what?”
“Well, it’s kind of famous now for being a giant pussy, isn’t it? It came online for half a day, collided like four particles and then broke.”
“Yeah listen, we’re just gonna leave the scaffolding up in case another molecule accidentally gets in here and destroys absolutely everything.”
“Machines can’t be ‘pussies,’ Mr. Brockway. It’s true that our technology is very delicate, but that’s because it’s unspeakably advanced,” Vanessa protested. I don’t think he fully realized that at this point he was actually helping me to pry the cover off this hatch, but he was obviously quite troubled by my accusation.
“What did you guys say last time – the Higgs Boson traveled back in time to prevent itself being created?”
“Well, sort of. I mean, that’s almost close to one theory…”
“OK, well, how big was he?” At this point we had both taken off our jackets and rolled up our sleeves - just really ripping into this hatch.
“Who?”
“Higgs Boson. Was he fuckin’ retard-ripped like the T-100, or was he more like one of those T-1000s–all wiry, but kind of badass in a creepy serial killer kind of way?” The covering finally gave way and clattered to the floor. Vance was still too absorbed in our conversation to notice.
Higgs Boson: The Hadron Chronicles
“No, it’s… it’s not a perso-” he began, but I cut him off.
“Yeah, I know. It’s a machine designed to look like a man. I’m not stupid.”
“No, I mean it’s a particle. Microscopic.”
“Oh come on, man,” I continued, ducking through the opening and tearing through some inconvenient wiring, “it’s so small you can’t even see it, and it still whooped your butts? And didn’t a bird just kick your ass with a crouton or something? You tellin’ me your giant-ass boner-ramming machine isn’t a huge pussy after that?”
“Well, yes it is true that this last malfunction was caused by a seagull dropping a piece of bread into some machinery but…OK, yeah it’s kind of a pussy.”
This is what birds do… when they’re not beating science’s ass, that is.
“Giant pussy,” I corrected.
“Fine. Yes. The Large Hadron Collider is a giant pussy. But I don’t see what merit that has on the experiments we’re tr-” an ear-piercing wail shattered the air around us and lights began flashing.
“What – where are we?!” Vicki Vale frantically spun around, taking in our surroundings for the first time. “Oh god! Oh god we’re inside the accelerator! We have to get out of here! Where did we come in?!” He began clawing at the walls of the concrete tunnel, looking for an exit.
“That was like a mile back there, man. Why, what’s the big deal?”
“The… the big deal? THE BIG DEAL?!” My Cousin Vinny’s eyes pissed themselves with fear. Crying, I think it’s called.
“The big deal is that we’re going to die! The accelerator’s starting up, and when that happens we’re going to be bombarded with particle beams!” At least that’s what I think he said, because at this point I was sprinting top speed down the tunnel and his voice was growing faint. When I glanced back, Vindaloo was jogging after me.
Pictured: The author’s complete understanding of particle beams.
“What are you doing? You’ll never make it to an exit in time! The beam is starting up!”
“Well it’ll have to fuckin’ catch me first, won’t it?” I shouted back, remembering to put out two of the traditional impending-doom-cigarettes I’d lit up.
“You can’t out-run a particle beam!” he insisted.
“But I’m so fuckin’ fast!” I argued.
“You’re laying on the floor,” he helpfully pointed out.
I was indeed laying on the floor. Putting out those cigarettes had bought me another eight-feet of distance; it was apparently not enough.
“What are we going to do?” Virginia Woolf quietly lamented.
“I know what I’m going to do,” I replied, rising to my feet.
I slowly slipped on the sunglasses I always keep on me in case of dramatic effect.
“I’m going to kick the Large Hadron Collider’s ass.”
“I disCERN that somebody’s about to COLLIDE with a PARTicle of my fist and.. it’s going to be…HARDo, ah fuck it: YYEAAAAHHH!!!”
Vampire Weekend started to protest, but I had already flown into action. First I drop-kicked a length of cable, Captain Kirk-style. Then I unleashed a flying elbow onto an unsuspecting control panel. I made a bunny motion by extending and wiggling two curled fingers on my left hand and, while the circuit-board was distracted, I karate-chopped it with my right. I groin-punched a lever. I fish-hooked a release valve. I eye-gouged Vance.
“Ow, fuck!” screamed Vance.
But I didn’t even hear it. I was lost in a berserker rage: A red, bloody fugue of violence and seriously repressed sexual energy.
This seems to happen more and more often these days…
When I came to, the tunnel was in absolute ruins and the sirens had stopped.
“You did it,” whispered V for Vendetta in awe.
“I beat the shit out of your particle accelerator,” I acknowledged, lighting up my series of traditional post-shit-kicking cigarettes. “And why?”
“B-because it’s a giant pussy?” he weakly answered.
“That’s right. The Large Hadron Collider is a giant, humongous, weeping pussy.”
You fucking heard me, CERN. What? DO SOMETHING.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 11th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Rape, Science, Violence, rapetude. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
How Not to Deal With The Red Ring of Death
My Field Trip to the Large Hadron Collider
The Cracked.com Open Bar: An Incomplete Recollection
The 8 Manliest Images on the Internet
Brawlin’ Baldwins
Crippled Fembots and Your Mom in the Bone Zone: The Daily Nooner (EST)!
If The Internet Is A Grade School Cafeteria We’re All Stepping On Our Food And Eating It: The Daily Nooner (EST)!
5 Astounding Advances in the Science of Getting Drunk
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November 21st, 2009 at 4:55 pm
Recently, I found an age-gap site called __ Agegapmingle.com__ It’s a nice place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Age gap is not problem there. You may check out or tell your friends.
November 20th, 2009 at 10:52 am
This article, along with the first CYOA on drugs story that he did, are Brockway at the top of his game….
It’s not that his other stuff isn’t great too, but this is the kind of sh** I love reading from him. This is the kind of article I forward to people, knowing that they’re going to crack the fuck up.
And as for the DOB comparison, the only similarity is that they both write fictional stories that star themselves pretty frequently… and pretty much all of the Cracked columnists have done this at some point. Their styles and humor are totally different, and they’re both fucking hilarious.
Speaking of which, I would love to see Brockway and DOB colaborate on something… any word on that ever happening in the near future?
November 20th, 2009 at 5:21 am
brutal. excellent.
November 19th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
b-way….nice job calling out the retarded samefag. great article, and for all the PHILISTINES out there who say it is biting DOBs style, it is obvious you don’t know A THING about writing. just because two writers share common themes, doesn’t mean they share a common style. its like saying people who wear the same pair of jeans have the same size penises.
November 18th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
eyes that piss themselves with fear. that is just too good.
November 18th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Dude…you made me laugh so hard, I was crying. I love you!
November 18th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
hilarious. i HAVE to buy your book brockway
November 17th, 2009 at 2:48 am
Not that funny, really.. you can do better, RB!
November 15th, 2009 at 8:52 pm
Fucking rape.
November 15th, 2009 at 11:14 am
It was… beautiful…
*sobs*
Have my babies?
November 13th, 2009 at 10:11 pm
This could be a movie.
November 13th, 2009 at 9:49 pm
I just love your articles.
November 13th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
gold.
November 13th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
“I made a bunny motion by extending and wiggling two curled fingers on my left hand and, while the circuit-board was distracted, I karate-chopped it with my right”
Picturing this seriously made me lol at work….good job….good job.
November 13th, 2009 at 4:15 am
Vampire Weekend. V for Vendetta. Virginia Wolff. Nice.
November 13th, 2009 at 1:21 am
Sweet. I was wondering what you’d been up to since solving healthcare.
November 12th, 2009 at 6:54 pm
The best part was probably the picture of the jellyfish and the caption. Skank marine biologists think there so awesome.
November 12th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
WHAT IS BEST IN LIFE?!?!?! GYAAAHHH!!! *rapes a phone book in half*
November 12th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
“My name is Robert Brockway, and I’m a for realsies journalist”
November 12th, 2009 at 10:06 am
Brockway, all these bitch-ass rape wanna bes can complain and cry and mumble negative things under thier girlish vagina lips…
this article was awesomely awesome.. you my good sir, are awesomely awesome.
what?
November 12th, 2009 at 8:21 am
Bwahahaha! Brockway totally called you out. That was awesome!!
November 12th, 2009 at 8:15 am
Good job Brockway. Your articles are hilarious!. Keep up the good work
November 12th, 2009 at 7:57 am
Please ignore Andy - he obviously hasn’t taken his medication today and has regressed into his prehuman state. Fantastic piece, Brockway. Awesome!
November 12th, 2009 at 4:48 am
You did it again! Awesomely written! Dongtacularity galore!
November 12th, 2009 at 4:46 am
Excellent article. The first funny one I’ve read in ages.
November 12th, 2009 at 4:34 am
Brockway is so awesome, i dont think he writes like dob.
…
magpie GTFO
November 12th, 2009 at 4:31 am
Great article man.
November 12th, 2009 at 2:25 am
I love the lists.
i get bored with articles like these after a few paragraphs, and usually don’t finish reading them
November 12th, 2009 at 1:35 am
Fucking great. I agree these lists are getting old, I don’t come here to learn things I come here to laugh damnit! Okay if I accidentally learn something fine, but I’d rather wet my pants any day.
November 12th, 2009 at 1:08 am
Hello everyone,
I found a great dating site______C l a s s y M i n g l e.c o m_____
The best dating club for seeking the rich singles, sexy beauties and even hot celebs..
what’s the most important is:you dont have to be a millionaire.but you can meet one.
I think everyone need to meet some miracle after all the terrible stuff in the news and the economy .You should check it out!!!
November 12th, 2009 at 12:52 am
Was I the only one hoping the beam would hit Brockway and give him superpowers? I thought that would have been pretty cool. Let’s see Swaim take him on then!
November 12th, 2009 at 12:38 am
Finally someone shares my intense and irritional hatred of marine biologists, the fucktards. Thanks for that Vincent Price Scientist man.
November 12th, 2009 at 12:38 am
Ohhhh Brockway…
You are HANDSDOWN the funniest columnist here at Cracked.
(But don’t tell any of them that.)
November 11th, 2009 at 11:31 pm
Probably the most quick read ever. That was amazingly fluid. Hilarious.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:49 pm
I disCERN that somebody’s about to COLLIDE with a PARTicle of my fist and.. it’s going to be…HARDo, ah fuck it: YYEAAAAHHH!!!
November 11th, 2009 at 9:29 pm
you had me at “RAAAAAPE!”
November 11th, 2009 at 9:24 pm
I too enjoyed this article.
November 11th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
The Dipshitbot made me laugh for years.
November 11th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
Amazing writing. You can rape me anytime. DERP
November 11th, 2009 at 6:50 pm
I love how Brockway could never get Vance’s name right. XD
Keep it up Brockway!
November 11th, 2009 at 5:42 pm
i almost bust my stitches, literally. good show, sir.
November 11th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
A famous paradox states that an arrow will never catch up with a running target…
SO you’re right! You do run so damn fast!
November 11th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
I love all these fiction stories. Screw the lists, these are the best!
November 11th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
goddamn you were on a roll in that story.
November 11th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
This was delicious.
November 11th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
Brilliant.
November 11th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
Robert Brockway you are my favorite
November 11th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
Wait a minute. This is Brockway. Lemme rephrase this… “Hahaha, Brockway now kicks ass in my mind.”
November 11th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Hahaha, Bucholz articles always brighten my day!
November 11th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
I lost it at “But I’m so fuckin’ fast!”
Fricking Amazing
November 11th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
Brockway should get his own web series as well, Robert Brockway: Completely Respected Journalist.
November 11th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Hey this one was great
I really love these kind of articles, they make Cracked special!
November 11th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
I.P Pwned by Brockway!
November 11th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
erm. i didnt so much read this the whole way through because at a glance it seemed maybe a tad superfluously silly….
but the pictures were pretty fucking hilarious. so thats all that matters really. yay for website hits! i’m so glad my satisfaction counts!
November 11th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
‘The man frantically tried to withdraw his hand, but I nimbly matched his every movement, and managed to keep my junk firmly in place as he jumped, flailed and ran about. To the casual observer, it appeared as though he was hurling me around the room by my dick.’
Genius. Truly.
November 11th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
STUPID-ADOLESCENT, IMMATURE
November 11th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
“Hey, there’s no room for dignity in a good scam. You gotta sell that shit.”
Saving that with my list of best cracked quotes. I typically don’t get into the fiction stories but this one was good. Died laughing at the slutty jellyfish too. Awesome article.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
somebody ranting endlessly in the comments…original [bcause you never get that on any other sites] IAB*cough*
November 11th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Excellent fancy types, Brock Lesner.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
You go Georgie! Stamp out stupidity by making bold declarations in the comments section of an internet comedy website.
As Pedgerow rightly said, the reason that using a ridiculously over-the-top action that’s so obviously egregious (like rape) in a comedy article with seemingly no regard for its severity is amusing is precisely because the action is so awful. It makes us see just how retarded the main character is that he’d seemingly miss the deadpan seriousness of the matter he’s trivialising. This fulfils both the absurdity and the superiority sufficiencies in philosophy of comedy.
As has been said numerous times, the second that we can’t laugh at these concepts and they become banal is the second that we should start fearing for humanity. Don’t go onto comedy sites, read with grave intent and then criticise articles you’ve deliberately missed the point of!
Admittedly, I’m sure that some things are very difficult for some people to abstract and judge in a comedic frame of mind, especially those things which are dearest or most applicable to ourselves. I personally can’t find misandric (anti-male) jokes funny, they always get me mad-angry despite how hypocritical that may be, but that’s just because my mind (for whatever reason) sees a misandric joke and decides to interpret it as a statement of fact rather than the joke it’s intended to be. However, I try to refrain from lighting up flame wars based upon this misjudgement.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
some bitch sellin it. weasly bastard.
i feel we are beginning to form a very dear friendship. whether you are aware of it or not really is of no concern. we like hiking and tuna salad.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Why are you guys complaining about him “writing like DOB”? It’s not like he replaced DOB, and he is still pretty funny, so you’re really complaining about nothing.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
Okay, seriously: Stop making multiple accounts to agree with your own comments. You really want people to know that you can’t tell the difference between me and Dob. I get it.
You know I can access your IP addresses, right? This is fucking pathetic.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
hilarious, but i need to agree, DOB style
November 11th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
“Pictured: Some bitch sellin’ it.”
Awesome
November 11th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
LOL RAPE!
November 11th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Keep em coming. This is good stuff.
November 11th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Total nobbish correction, but the Terminator was a T800, not a T100. It was a Cyberdyne systems 100 series, this is where the confusion arises from. The gloopy one was a T1000 though. I’m not a terminator fanatic or anything, this is just one of my strongest childhood memories. Let that be my punishment.
November 11th, 2009 at 11:48 am
I’m coming to get you magpie……..
November 11th, 2009 at 11:47 am
Let’s try to stay away from the DOB stuff, Brockway. Because this seriously pales in comparison.
November 11th, 2009 at 11:45 am
Hilarious, I enjoy these little tales of the Cracked.com staff destroying expensive equipment and attacking people. Makes my day really.
November 11th, 2009 at 11:44 am
Hello Magpie_Seven. Do you remember me? That night of tender, soft, gentle love we made. I hope you didn’t mind my gun next to your head. I clearly remember the angel soft skin on your ankles flailing in the chilly night breeze. You always did play hard to get. I agree with you, my love, that rape is not funny. There was nothing funny about the love we made. I can’t wait to meet up and do it all over again. What do you say, your place at 9 tonight? Good. I’ll be in your closet. Love you, sweetie.
November 11th, 2009 at 11:41 am
gay article… DOB is good at writing such articles
November 11th, 2009 at 11:41 am
[...] Trip to the Large Hadron Collider Jump to comments Posted in: Featured• Video Games New column up at Cracked, regarding my rather poor understanding of advanced physics, my very poor understanding of [...]
November 11th, 2009 at 11:35 am
[...] 11, 2009 at 7:35 pm · Filed under Uncategorized Do you think I should just submit this as my “reasons why I want to be accepted into your Master’s of Journalism [...]
November 11th, 2009 at 10:55 am
Magpie, shut it.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:50 am
I agree with pyongshina, this has the feel of a D.O.B article. Either way, funny as fuck.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:50 am
I never thought kicking the shit out of the LHC would be so damn funny
November 11th, 2009 at 10:41 am
That jellyfish picture is really arousing.
Also, I’m pretty sure Arnold Schwarzenegger wasn’t a T-100; wasn’t he a T-600? It would be easy to find out if I could be bothered, but uninformed criticism is easier than informed silence.
And, lastly, the reason rape is funny is because it is so very extreme. Genocide is also funny. To joke about it is not to condone it; rather, it acknowledges its severity. If at any point Robert Brockway gave the impression that he was actually in favour of rape, then it would cease to be funny, sexy jellyfish or no sexy jellyfish.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:40 am
ha poor Vance
November 11th, 2009 at 10:27 am
rape makes me giggle inside
November 11th, 2009 at 10:19 am
this article was sooo freakin funny xD i laughed soo much!
what isnt funny is guys in the comment section going
“LOL rape is soo funny”
when in reality its the most unimaginably horric thing that can happen to someone. in this article it was written in such a way that it was funny, and didnt trivialise the subject. it is however being trivialised in the comment section.
I wont have it people. I wont fucking stand for it.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:05 am
This was hilarious and fuck you Magpie, Cracked MAKES rape funny. If the entire staff of Cracked gangraped me I’d still be laughing my ass off.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:00 am
sounds like a D.O.B article
November 11th, 2009 at 9:59 am
Happy Veterans and Remembrance Day! http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/ Thank God for Captain America!
November 11th, 2009 at 9:51 am
Magpie: No, rape isn’t funny, but clearly this is fiction. Animals getting run over isn’t funny but it happens in Looney Toons. Nuclear war isn’t funny but Dr Strangelove was still voted one of the funniest films of all time. What’s so special about rape that it is exempt from possible humour whereas war, genocide, disease and torture are not?
November 11th, 2009 at 9:44 am
Thank you, Mr. Brockway, for kicking the pussy machine’s ass. (Wait, can a pussy have an ass? Damn you, science!)
November 11th, 2009 at 9:35 am
I loved the way you mangled Vance’s name more and more every time around, ending at Vampire Weekend before actually getting it right just the one time.
Good write!
November 11th, 2009 at 9:26 am
This one was too tl;dr for me but I fondly remember the huge chunk I did read.
November 11th, 2009 at 9:12 am
“I’m so glad I went to six years of college so I could GIVE IT TO THIS SLUTTY JELLYFISH.” - Every Marine Biologist
Ohh shit, i spit up coffee.
November 11th, 2009 at 8:58 am
‘eyes pissed themselves with fear.’
that was good… to the point anyway.
November 11th, 2009 at 8:57 am
I am totally in awe of your writing ability.
I’m going to read this again, because it’s just that awesome.
November 11th, 2009 at 8:34 am
(paraphrased) “I’m surprised given the evil that the situation isn’t more rapey.”
November 11th, 2009 at 8:31 am
after what you’ve done to the hadron collider i feel amir deserves a tougher punishment for the forced rape (he still liked it the sick bastard). after marinating in mace i’m sure he’d make a delicious snack for the hard-on collider.
November 11th, 2009 at 8:17 am
It is entirely your fault I have shit myself at work so many times, including this one. Good work you bad bad man.
November 11th, 2009 at 8:00 am
Brockway, you put the rape in grape jelly, and I’m a man who fucking loves grape jelly.
November 11th, 2009 at 7:29 am
Brockway v. Large Hadron Collider winner Brockway. No contest whatso evere. Now if we could pit him against say DOB or Jack Baur then we may have a match.
November 11th, 2009 at 7:19 am
LOL RAPE
November 11th, 2009 at 7:06 am
This wasnt funny, writing about yourself pretending to do awesome things is lame, your stupid, also i found this really great sight where age difference is no boundery, its called fuckmypruneyass.com its interesting stuff
November 11th, 2009 at 7:03 am
Ha ha ha ha ha! Rape… Although I think what Amir did to your junk was more of a sexual assault than an actual rape, Brockway. Awesome (true?!) story.
November 11th, 2009 at 6:29 am
@Magpie_seven: not even going into the George Carlin bit about rape being hilarious, you really need to accept that people find different things funny. I thought this whole article was hilarious from start to finish, Amir’s raping of Brockway included. If you don’t find it funny, then move along. Or boycott Brockway’s articles, or whatever. Just don’t try to impose your sense of humor (or lack thereof) on others like you’re superior in some way. That just makes you a giant pussy. And Brockway showed us what happens to giant pussies. . .
November 11th, 2009 at 6:25 am
I know this was on the front page, but i dont think that it was a highlighted piece or anything. Why is that? your work is awesome and should always be highlighted
November 11th, 2009 at 6:14 am
reel rape isnt funny but this was fucking great.
sins maby if you wuld read.
IT WASNT RAPE.
he just today out smarted the entirety of cern by facking it AND THERE GIANT PUSSY MACHIEN BY REAPING DOOM AND DETRUCKTION ON ITS ASS
November 11th, 2009 at 6:08 am
Recently, I found an age-gap site called __Agegapmingle.com__ It’s a nice place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Age gap is not problem there. You may check out or tell your friends.
November 11th, 2009 at 5:58 am
Im totally using your rape line for my own personal humor cache …sorry
November 11th, 2009 at 5:35 am
Thanks, made me laugh. I’m quite glad the LHC broke down the first time because it effectively diverted all the doom-mongering morons who have no concept of what it does but were nonetheless convinced it would end mankind. Thankfully, these people have such short attention spans that most of them have no idea the thing got fixed.
November 11th, 2009 at 5:23 am
The rape that was described above was funny as fuck! alot more funny than normal rapes, which are amusing at best.
November 11th, 2009 at 5:22 am
DERP! This was a very funny article……..also, The Large Hadron Collider really is a giant, humongous, weeping pussy. During its “womanly time” it leaks hydrolic fluid every where, and is a super bitch.
November 11th, 2009 at 5:16 am
Rape is not funny. Please do not make jokes about it- is is a damaging and real occurence and turning into a humourous aside hurts people who have been raped, both by possibly triggering harmful memories of the assault and trivialising their experiences.
Rape is. Not. Funny.
November 11th, 2009 at 4:51 am
Gentlemen.
November 11th, 2009 at 4:49 am
“I’m going to kick the Large Hadron Collider’s ass.”
Thank you for brightening what’s looking to be an immensely shitty day up considerably.
November 11th, 2009 at 4:22 am
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November 11th, 2009 at 4:05 am
first