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When it comes to making wise decisions, characters in a movie have a huge disadvantage: they don't know they're in a movie. The good guys wouldn't have been surprised by Darth Vader winning if they'd known from the outset they were in a movie called "The Empire Strikes Back." But even then, you can't watch certain movies without realizing that these guys really should have seen it coming. Like... #6.
King Kong
The Plan: "Don't worry, Mr. Denham, we'll get you on your way in a jiffy. Let's just have a look at that shipping manifest. Let's see... 12,000-pounds of bananas... 250-pounds of animal tranquilizers... 300-pounds of raging gorilla... What's that you say? Oh, yes, it looks like you're right. Thirty thousand pounds of gorilla. My mistake. Well, everything seems to be in order. Sign here."
Why They Had It Coming: We understand that Denham was supposed to be eccentric and ambitious to the point of insanity. But he didn't sneak Kong back into the U.S. by hiding him in his suitcase. A whole lot of people apparently signed off on the deal. Do you know why they don't let you just take tropical monkeys home with you whenever you feel like it? It's because that would be a REALLY FUCKING BAD IDEA. And we're talking regular-sized monkeys here. Seriously, go on vacation and try passing through customs with a screeching live monkey clinging to your back. Sure, the guys in the customs office in 1933 New York weren't dealing with the same restrictions we have today, but a little bit of basic common sense should have told them that a motherfucking three-story ape is not an acceptable import. Really, taking any kind of giant monster through customs shouldn't be this easy, or even possible.
But not in the King Kong universe. Just stop and think about all the people who had to go along with his plan to display a giant, rampaging monkey in front of a Broadway audience. The trucking company should have refused to transport anything that could conceivably beat one of their trucks in a fist fight. The police should have stopped him for transporting unsafe materials. The theater owner should have taken one look at Denham's plan, a plan to stuff hundreds of people into a room with a giant gorilla and then wait for something interesting to happen, and he should have told the man to go directly to Hell and take his monkey with him. This is apparently a world where not only did dinosaurs not go extinct, but somehow lawyers and insurance companies did. #5.
Demolition Man
The Plan: "Things are going well. I've released cryogenically frozen criminal, Simon Phoenix, to murderdeathkill my only enemy in all the world, and I've made sure to insert a program into this dangerous criminal's mind that makes it impossible for him to turn around and kill me, which he very much wants to do since I've been messing with his brain and treating him like the hired help, and also because he's a psychopath who pretty much wants to kill everybody."
Why They Had It Coming: "Oh, also he says that all he needs to complete his mission is for me to unfreeze a team of five fellow criminals from his old gang. Makes sense. What's that you say? The other murderers haven't been programmed with the 'don't murder me' safeguard? Eh, I'm sure it'll be fine." There are all kinds of problems with Dr. Raymond Cocteau's plan to rid his utopian future society of the menace of graffiti, not the least of which is the issue of overkill, but his failure to protect himself from anything that isn't played by Wesley Snipes definitely tops the list. If the man who wants you dead asks you for the necessary supplies to make you dead, perhaps you should put a little extra thought into your answer. "No," for instance, might not be a bad choice.
And even if you assume that giving an unfrozen crime lord from the past his own posse is a necessary risk, Cocteau already knows that people's brains can be fixed to make them not murder you. He already tried it, and it worked out just fine. What, did he fucking forget? Did he prematurely cross it off his "To Do" list by mistake? Come to think of it, maybe Dr. Cocteau should have made the "don't kill Dr. Cocteau" programming mandatory for all the inmates in his cryogenic prison. You know, just in case of the incredibly unlikely event that something should ever go wrong with your warehouse of frozen psychopaths.
#4.
Deep Blue Sea
The Plan: "As it turns out, sharks have a protein in their brains which could lead us to a cure for Alzheimer's. Our scientists are already hard at work developing sharks with freakishly large brains. Oh, also their bodies are freakishly large. And their teeth and jaws. So! All we need now is someplace where we can house these deadly creatures and periodically poke at their heads with giant needles!"
Why They Had It Coming: "Well, let's see, there's this abandoned submarine base in the middle of the ocean, totally isolated from civilization, with most of the structure underwater where it could easily be flooded. And there's a huge hole in the floor. Dear God, it's perfect!" You know what might have been a better place for this lab? How about a nice little facility in the middle of Arizona, with a couple of big saltwater fish tanks? They didn't make these sharks so they could study giant super-shark behavior in a natural environment. The swimming death machines don't really need to be out in the actual ocean for this experiment to work. Being eaten alive does not need to be a common workplace accident.
Workplace safety aside, you have the bonus concern of what could happen if one of these monsters escapes, which actually happens in the opening minutes of the film. Here's an idea that might help you keep your killer fish from escaping: Don't put them out in the fucking ocean! We don't care how strong your fence is, it's still not as much of a deterrent as miles and miles of dry, shark-smothering land. "Hey, good idea! And that would also be a perfect place to test our new air-breathing sharks and our prototype shark jetpacks!" |
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"Uh, Datura. I'm pretty sure the machines in 'The Matrix' were also learning and self-aware. What with, I don't know, how they managed to subjugate humanity and all." Oh, did you miss that part about using humans as a powersource COUPLED WITH "A FORM OF FUSION"? Do you know the meaning of the words "deus ex machina"? The Matrix is nothing but a clothesline for Hong Kong Cinema gunfighting and Things That Go BOOM. Don't embarrass yourself by assuming it has anything to do with Actual Science.
The Matrix: the powering computers with human beings is indeed insanely bad. What would have been better, had made much more sense, and affect the ethics of the whole thing would be if the machines needed the humans' brains' _processing_power_---with the result that the Matrix would largely be an human creation.
Uh, Datura. I'm pretty sure the machines in 'The Matrix' were also learning and self-aware. What with, I don't know, how they managed to subjugate humanity and all.
"They can out manufacture any human - so why don't they just make better processors than the horribly inefficient human brains?" ...... Pardon me, Senor Dips**t, but you're talking about a learning, self-aware biological quantum computer. Fucking binary code will NEVER -- and I mean EVER -- replicate the processing capabilities of a human brain.
Yeah, the original Matrix plot had the machines use the humans' brain's as a giant networked computer. This makes the 'Let's block out the sun' plot only make sense if it was the machines that did it - to destroy an ecosystem that they didn't need, but humans do - and win the war by rupturing the supply lines. In fact, they are machines. They can out manufacture any human - so why don't they just make better processors than the horribly inefficient human brains? I guess they just felt sorry for us humans. Still, even if the machines felt sorry for their misguided creators, they could have found a better way than to keep them all in a MMORPG - that was powered by the players' brains. The only reason for them to do that was to recreate history to see if humanity would ever manage to co-exist with the machines they built, rather than go to war with them and lose horribly. Since the movies end with Neo breaking the MMORPG after who knows how many times the machines repeated human history starting with the late 20th century, I guess the machines got their answer. I suppose Matrix 4 would feature the machines retreating to their airless Mars base and nuking Earth from orbit until it resembles a glowing glass marble. Nice job breaking it, Neo.
No captcha or anything? Well, that explains the spam. As for the machines in The Matrix not using geothermal energy, I'm just gonna guess that that a huge city made out of gigantic tubes, smaller tubes, and tiny robot bugs would be kind of difficult to move underground. Also, machines had been living on the surface for years alongside humans, and I'm pretty sure the humans weren't too keen on having to live underground either. Plus with the way those machines use energy (power lines arcing electricity everywhere, things floating for no particular reason, etc.) geothermal energy probably wasn't a practical solution. I realize that this argument pretty much amounts to "they're robots so it had to be a logical decision," but bear with me here. As for the whole "using your dangerous enemy as a power source thing," anyone who doesn't avoid the other Matrix movies like the plauge because their cool friend says they're crap can probably explain this. The machines completely realize that some humans will reject the program, escape, and rebel against them. It's happened 6 or so times before. They call Neo a "systemic anomaly" like it's a goddamn calendar date or something. The machines just kill everyone in Zion, let "the one" start a new city,and get on with their business. Apparently this was the most efficient solution, since the other versions of the Matrix tended to make people kill themselves (but they had vampires and stuff too, so it was probably a hard choice...). Well, that's what I think anyway.
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"But again, you can't blame mad scientists for doing mad science." Just about died laughing, pulled myself together, looked back at it and lost it again. Well done, sir.
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I know there are so very many movies with gaping plot holes out there that it's hard to narrow it down to just 6, but I can't help but feel that 'Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire' deserves a place amongst them: "Right, we need to capture this kid and harvest his sweet, sweet blood to return our evil wizard overlord to his corporeal form. We've rejected just grabbing him the moment he strays outside his heavily protected high school, or handing him some random everyday object that will transport him to our secret hideout, or just hitting him over the head with a sock with half a brick in it, in favour of a vastly more risky and convoluted plan involving using powerful dark magic to tamper with enchanted objects, under the noses of the people who are supposed to be protecting him, and requiring him to win some stupid contest which he would otherwise have a snowflake's chance in hell of even entering, under normal circ*mstances. What could possibly go wrong?"
Enermy. heheh
Regarding The Matrix...that's all assuming they NEEDED other energy. I mean, they could figure out how to harvest their energy from humans, but couldn't figure out how to un-f**k-up the sky? For that matter, couldn't they have built solar panels on enormous towers that extend up to where sunlight still shines? Or just moved their operation to the moon? It's not like anything they were doing particularly necessitated being on Earth. And now that I mention it, what WERE they doing? It seems like the only real goal they had was to oppress humans via The Matrix. Which I suppose touches the real point: sloppy writing.
This is the same guy who writes Drown Yourself? Why are you not using this sort of talent on your own site, man? This was a great article, and I've been visiting yours for months and it's...well, "meh". Honestly though, this was great. Lots of funny articles on Cracked lately. Thank you all.
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how about tragedy? can we sell that? glorious work.
The Matrix is coming! Just saw an article about "Running Hamster Powers Tiny Generator" on foxnews. http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,491705,00.html
"This is apparently a world where not only did dinosaurs not go extinct, but somehow lawyers and insurance companies did." Wait, who wouldn't want to live in such a world?
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"as we all know, junkies are notoriously docile and cooperative." hahahahaha
violetxrain Keeping an enemy alive is dangerous, because they might find a way to kill you later. The humans served a purpose, that's why the machines didn't kill them all. The original story didn't have people being used as batteries but their minds were part of the Matrix computer system.
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