Cracked Round-Up: Prohibition Edition

Well folks, it's finally happened. The government has decided to shut down our harmless moonshine distillery under unfounded accusations that our liquor is 81% drain cleaner. Forty years in the business and literal tens of surviving customers weren't enough to sway The Man. When will the authorities learn- when brewing poisonous booze is a crime, only criminals will brew poisonous booze?

Donald Trump is the craziest bastard to ever half-heardedly run for president, and Luke McKinney shows us why nothing he does over the next year should come as a surprise. Soren Bowie lead the next assault on ignorance, taking on six of the most often Googled questions about pet health care. Christina took a look at real diseases co-opted into bullshit trends while Bucholz dissected the worst types of blog on the Internet. David Wong brought out some sympathy for the worst types of job in the world, but not quite enough to stop us from screaming at the customer support lady for our local ISP.

And that wasn't all. Brockway looked at amazing abandoned areas you can visit and get crippled in today. Seanbaby listed the funniest moments from some of the worst movies ever, and Dan O'Brien ended our week a novel of the trailer of the Battleship movie. Astonishingly, it makes more sense than the trailer itself.

TRUST NO ONE

6 Pieces of Office Equipment for the Incredibly Paranoid We have a motto here at Cracked: You can't be too heavily armed for a day at the office.

Notable Comment: "The real value of the tracking chip is that it is small enough to fit, oh say, on the bottom of a car. And this car could, hypothetically, belong to an ex-girlfriend. And, in theory, she could lead you right to her new several-states-away-from-you home and her new a*****e boyfriend with his fancy "doesn't fence stolen lawn ornaments" job. You know. Hypothetically."

WhyNo, do you have any idea why the FBI won't stop contacting us about your posts? They keep saying something about a missing person's case.

INSANEBRATION!

6 Insane Holidays You'll Wish You Celebrated Life is short, so take every excuse you can find to get riotously trashed in the name of tradition.

Notable Comment:"A spanish girl friend of mine told me about some christmas log that shits presents and the kids have to lynch it, like a craziest piñata. Between that and the dude taking a dump that's always hidden somewhere in their presepium (IDK the name of this thing in english, sorry), their christmas must be awesome."

We aren't going to fact-check Leandro263's statement. It's beautiful enough all on its own.

SCI-FAILS

6 Technologies Conspicuously Absent from Sci-Fi Movies We're Internet comedy writers. Ruining things for everybody is just what we do.

Notable Comment:"Most of the other examples also really sucked except for GPSes although any sentient machine could disable the damn things. Plus the ones in AI and I Robot were prototypes and could be expected to lack it."

Scarecroodle, your watch probably has a GPS chip. In twenty years, so will every machine larger than a pencil. Get with the future.

DARPA MADNESS!

5 Projects You Won't Believe The U.S. Government is Working On You know what? We're OK with our tax dollars going towards this. As long as Spiderman treatments don't take longer than two or three years to hit the public.

Notable Comment: "Yes. What about the War on Recession? The War on Decline? The War on Day Laborers? We need better weapons to kill construction workers and gardeners! We need newer weapons to destroy irresponsible spending! We need awesome-er weapons to combat our own stupidity!"

Actually, NathanLoiselle, the powers that be have decided it's probably best to fight the War on War first.

BAD WORK

6 Silly-Sounding Jobs that are Way Harder than You Think If you think being a mascot is easy, you've never spent ten hours hauling felt across a parking lot in the hot July sun. Which means you've never helped a transvestite with their yard sale.

Notable Comment: "I have that due to the heat mascots only wear underwear below the costumes"

If that's true, Dondadon, someone has broken the Mascot Code of Silence. And they must be punished for it.

Agents of Cracked

The Plot Twistingest Finale in the History of Final Episodes Our only friend, the end.

YOU YOU YOU!

25 Easter Eggs We Wish Were Hidden in Movies We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, How You'd Fix the Economy, If Classic Films Were Advertised Like B Movies and Things That Should Never Be Made into Broadway Musicals