Answering The 6 Craziest Pet Questions Ever Googled
There is no greater testament to the power of love than the physical affection shared between owner and pet, proving a universal truth we always knew in our hearts to be true: The strongest relationships in the world are not forged from attraction or passion, but from dependence and captivity. Every day, pet owners are reminded of the unbreakable bond built on mandatory friendship in each wagged tail, each nuzzle from a horse, each time a cat agrees not to poop in the pantry. These things, they add up. They warm our hearts, they keep us grounded and above all, they help us live forever.
"Your innocence fuels my immortality."
So after all our animals do for us, it's particularly hard to watch them get sick or depressed. Millions of people turn to the Internet with frantic searches asking for help with their animals, but sadly, the Internet is full of misinformation designed to sell pet medication and doggie spa packages to panicked owners. To get real, honest answers, you need to turn to a real, honest person instead of a search engine. You need someone who understands and lives by animal instinct alone. Someone who isn't doing it for the money and who won't judge you for whatever brand of love you choose to practice with your pet. You need someone like my Uncle Frank.
For the past year, Uncle Frank has made a point of answering completely real questions posed to search engines because he genuinely wants to help desperate people, and because his correctional councilor said he ought to try writing more. Some may call him an inspiration, or a hero, though he would insist you call him just Frank. At least he used to, when I was 12.
I was holding on nicely until the last bit, about the Canadian...then I laughed until I cried!
ReplyThat whole bit about the Canadian is even weirder when you picture it as a person
Reply(Me being Canadian and all....)
What else did you think it could be about? Why do you think so many Canadians who come to the US to get famous never go back?
This article was both helpful and made me laugh. Now I know exactly where I put my hamster pups. I put them up my Canadian's a*****e and that is why he can't poop.
ReplyFish skins always calm me down. Especially salmon, since I'm a BC Canadian. And quit banging on my glass you kids. I can't poop with that ruckus.
"Not even police dogs can smell a body through that stuff, trust me." Thank you, I very much needed that piece of advice.
ReplyJust make sure you use a looser substrate over the bodies before you concrete. Applying the concrete directly may save time, but as studies have shown, cavities in concrete are easily detectable by GPR units.
I'm surprised something like this one isn't here:
Reply"My dog just died, what kind of condiments should I use?"
That's a culinary question, not a pet question. And recipes.cn or recipes.kr has all the information anyone could need.
Uncle Franks Advice needs to be published in book form.
ReplyI actually LoL'ed during this article. That never happens... a real darn-tootin' LoL. Good show.
ReplyThe thing that was most upsetting about this article was the one piece of advice being solved "Prank(er)" rather than "Prank(ster)"
ReplySo that's the problem with my Canadian
Replybest article in a while
ReplyEww... robotic childbirth
ReplyOh yes. Curse you, John Cheese! :)
Ha, yes
Three things:
Reply1) I have been waiting for another of these ever since the last one, your "Uncles" advice is my favourite feature on Cracked right alongside Man Comics and the coked-up choose-your-own-adventures. You could do one of these every month and it would never get old.
2) I know several Chow/Golden Retriever crosses who are friendly and good looking, but very ashamed of their mixed ancestry. It's good to know that they don't need to feel bad about their heritage.
3) As a Canadian, I can testify that a lack of pine needles in my terrarium is the leading cause of most of my digestive and personality issues. Switching from packaged feed to live food was a big improvement as well, something about tackling the moose and strangling it myself is much more rewarding than simply gnawing those moose-flavoured cardboard pellets...
Awesome work man, I await the next installment!
Number 3 made me choke on my cheesecake.
Huh.. I usually choke on my chicken.
The last one is almost unfair. That question is such comedy gold in its phrasing let alone content Soren could have written anything and it would seem funny after the rippling giggles the question instigated.
ReplyAnyone know where I can get a tame pet canadian, preferablly one that will curl up in my lap when I pet him?
ReplyBucholz doesn't seem to have an owner...
No, BUCHOLZ IS MINE! HE'S ALL MINE!!
Frank must not know much about Canadians, everyone knows that after a week the Canadian would have taken over your home and turn it into a log cabin while simultaneously destorying all civilization around you. After that they would apologize for the damage they've done and return to the frozen wilderness they call home.
ReplyI am Canadian, and I destory nothing. Ever.
The Canadians I know destory everything.
Soren, please satirize the Duggers. It would be the best Soren B. article ever!
ReplyWhite cats with blue eyes are deaf. It has something to do with the genes.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI have a white cat with blue eyes, he isn't deaf.
they have a higher propensity for it. thats all. not necessarily a problem everytime.
Ha! Aryan cats are gentically inferior! Ha! Take that, Hitler Cat!
I lost it at "how do I lose weight".
ReplyI was suprised Frank didn't prescribe the Canadian a switch to a natural diet of poutain, molson, and maple syrup to get him back regular...playing some Rush, Bryan Adams, or Gordon Lightfoot, and switching on a hockey game to make him more comfortable
ReplyThis would work great, but we prefer poutine.
I didn't laugh much. Until I saw the last one. I laughed the whole time I read it, as soon as I saw the question.
Reply