CRACKED ROUND-UP: Finals Edition
'Tis the season for stress headaches, mental breakdowns and suicide. Those of you who made the choice to become educated are now knuckled down under dozens of books while the rest of us enjoy the traditional Christmas orgies and Vicodin-parties. Have fun with your fancy degrees, eggheads. See how much good they do you when Quetzacoatl rises up from his mountain tomb next year.
The world is rarely ready for Soren's ideas. Not the Fat Bratz doll, and not that fancy French press he tried to replace our instant coffee and tepid water with. Bucholz provided a rare public service and wrote up an Exam guide for you procrastinators out there. A bag of meth and 60 hours in the library is not the answer. Brockway was next with the most incredible movie posters ever designed by confused foreigners. Cody called for YouTube to ban song parodies and also posted a song parody of his own, while Seanbaby listed the craziest athletes to ever live. No, Tyson isn't on there. He wasn't crazy enough. Dan O'Brien ended our week with a look at the show Bridalplasty, which honestly ought to be a war crime to broadcast.
CLAW OUT YOUR EYES
|12 Things You'll Wish You'd Never Seen Under a Microscope
Now that Cracked's ruined "seeing" we can move on to "sex" and "delicious sandwiches".
Notable Comment: "Cracked, you have convinced me that I am a masochist. Each time I kept thinking, "NO, DON'T SHOW ME, DON'T SHOW ME, PLEASE SPARE ME!!!" But in the end, it was ME scrolling down each and every time. Now THAT is some scary s**t. "
That's a good start, double.shelix. Now take this whip and scourge yourself seventeen times for each Holy Wound suffered by the Sacred Wolinsky.
PLAY AND PLAY
|The 5 Hardest, Most Pointless World of Warcraft Achievements
Achievements are like crack for gamers, by which we mean pursuing them will ruin your health and family.
Notable Comment:"AQ unlock was actually a really good event on WoW. We organized both horde and alliance (On a PvP Server) and setup contests where the player with the most donations in each item category won a trip through Molten Core. One rogue winner we ran through literally went from blue / greens to 5 T1 and 2 T2 pieces with both dagger drops (Lucky SOB). Good times."
The fuck language is that, TimL, Farsi?
|6 Insane Conspiracies Hiding Behind Non-Profit Groups
'Not for profit' doesn't mean 'not full of shit'.
Notable Comment:"The more hot women take off their clothes to advocate PETA's cause, the more I'll ignore it, so they'll keep undressing."
rev.felix is a man of great wisdom.
|6 Video Game Heroes Made Useless By Supporting Characters
Don't tell us Half-Life wouldn't be even cooler if you got to ride Dog around the whole time. And also he had rocket launchers. Like, fifty of 'em.
Notable Comment: "I see a lot of people commenting on googling Cortana nude. But I kept reading it as Contra nude. So out of curiosity, I tried it (googling Contra nude). I got a pic of Gianna Michaels right above Police Acadamy: Mission to Moscow. A bit lower and there was a pic of Bambi playing soccer. I'm happy with the results.
Also: You don't even get an image of the Contra video game until page 3."
This, pelcurus, is exactly how it should be.
7 Modern Dictators Way Crazier Than You Thought Possible
|7 Modern Dictators Way Crazier Than You Thought Possible
You get one guess for who took the top spot. We'll give you a hint. He's mentally il.
Notable Comment: "They were crazy in a different way. These guys seem to be crazy because they don't really appear to have a goal or a purpose, just monkeys throwing s**t at a computer till something recognizable pops out. The dictators of WWII had a plan, as bizarre as those plans may have been, and they tended to stick to those. "
You're right, Alpha. There's no worse trait in a dictator than a lack of follow-through.
Agents of Cracked
|Why The Worst Powerpoint Presentations Take Preparation
Failing this hard takes hours of work.
YOU YOU YOU!
|20 Small Changes That Would Turn Great Ideas Into Disasters
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, Famous Websites as Understood by a Five Year-Old
"Here's a snake for you...and a worm for you...and a weiner for you...and a sausage for you...and a legless centipede for you...and a spear for you...and a pole for you...and a legless lizard for you..."
They're folding balloons in the Philippines. That makes them... MANILA FOLDERS!
The second little pig's house was actually more effective then the story let on
This must have cost tens of dollars.
Zippers and teeth: If your penis could have nightmares.
"Hey, does anyone know of a good way to fuck up my kids for life?"
Caution: staring at this picture for too long while trying to think of a joke will register you as a sex offender.
How come all of Roman Polanski's films have the same deleted scene?
In the future, people from the Jersey Shore are still douchebags.
Right then, a strong breeze gave everyone an unfortunate view of robocock.
by Kamikaze Phoenix
I finally found a way to combine my music and arts degrees and still make no money.
Just show me the carfax.
Introducing the Nissan Bloodbath: yeah, you're getting to work on time.