7 Obnoxious Assholes Who Show Up At Every Concert

7 Obnoxious Assholes Who Show Up At Every Concert

During the summer, damn near every band that's ever sold a song on iTunes hits the road, jetting from town to town to play live shows for throngs of adoring fans. Maybe you'll go to some of these shows. When you do, these people will be there to completely ruin shit for you.

The Whirling Dervish

In her natural state, she is a blur of flying dreadlocks and sallow Caucasian skin. At rest, she usually takes the form of a hairy-pitted woman who inexplicably turns up at any and every type of musical event on earth. Do organic food slurping, sandal wearing hippies really listen to Lil' Wayne? Probably not. But her long strange trip has led her here, and she's going to make the most jamband-tastic time out of it that she can.

While everyone around her alternates between enjoying the show and getting the fuck out of her way, this bundle of ginseng and scalp lice is dancing around like an ancient shaman trying to summon rain to save this year's harvest. And that's fine, provided you're at some sort of outdoor festival where there is ample grazing room. But when you're packed like sardines in the lower bowl of an arena, her arm waving, 360-degree spinning antics grow old really fast.

To add to the misery, it's all but guaranteed that her constant flailing will be performed while chain smoking American Spirits, leaving you to spend the evening thinking less about the show and more about how to ensure you escape without a third-degree burn to the forehead.

What They Think This Says About Them:

"I'm a free spirit. Sometimes the music just speaks to my soul and moves me, albeit in a dorky, awkward fashion."

What It Really Says About Them:

"The stench of patchouli emanating from my nether regions could kill a small village."

The Hater

How or why the hater ended up sitting near you is never immediately clear. Maybe their significant other insisted on dragging them along to see a band they hate. Maybe they just like paying eight dollars for beer. Whatever the case, they are here now and they can't believe anybody listens to this shit.

No matter how exuberant the crowd reaction, no matter how beloved the song may be, the hater is unwavering in their dedication to annoying everyone around them by hurling boos and slurs in the direction of the band on stage. Approximately three songs into the set, your ability to concentrate on the show you paid $45 to see ($106 after convenience fees) will be replaced with fantasies of fashioning a shiv out of the plastic spoon that inexplicably came with your nachos and stabbing them in the kidney.

What They Think This Says About Them:

"My taste in music is beyond compare. I know good music and this isn't it. You're all a bunch of idiots for listening to this stuff. Nickelback rules."

What It Really Says About Them:

"I'm too much of a pussy-whipped nancy boy to even consider saying no when my girlfriend asked if I wanted to go see John Mayer. Instead, I will express my disappointment in myself by way of a rampant display of fuckstickery."

The Set List Generator

Yelling out "Freebird!" at concerts is a tradition that goes back, well, about 30 years or so. When it happens today, it's generally accepted that the perpetrator is an attention seeking lowlife that deserves a rigorous beating with a bag of herpes infected oranges.

But in that person's defense, it's usually just a misguided attempt at a joke. Unless of course they are actually at a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, in which case, there is a good chance they just lost a close relative in a tragic Tilt-a-Whirl operating accident and want to hear the song so the healing can begin.

You think that was a joke, you son of a bitch?

But the Set List Generator has no defense. This dickface is apparently unaware that most bands decide what they're going to play well in advance, and immediately begins shouting requests for the same song whenever the band reaches the midway point of whatever song they've decided to play.

It goes without saying that the song they are requesting is the most popular song the performer has ever recorded and is probably not going to be played until the encore at the very end of the show. So, you get to listen to this fucking caterwauling all night long.

You are legally allowed to perform this move on an SLG.

What They Think This Says About Them:

"I appreciate that you are a professional musician and all, but really, I think you need some guidance in how to proceed with this live show."

What It Really Says About Them:

"I blow my loads way too early and it makes me feel better when rock bands do the same."

The Camera Phone Paparazzo

Finally seeing your favorite band in person is a great experience. It's only natural that you would want to snap a photo or two to remember the night. Most venues aren't going to let you bring that $900 Canon with the 4000x zoom telephoto lens in with you. Instead, most people just rely on their camera phone, ensuring that the entire show will be forever captured in blurry as fuck 1.3 megapixel detail.

Most people realize their phone isn't improving on the garbled jungle of lights and shadowy figures they get on the first try, and go back to actually enjoying the show. But the Camera Phone Paparazzo is not so easily deterred.

They continue the photo shoot well into the encore and beyond. If they are next to you, your evening will be filled with strobe light effects constantly invading your peripheral vision as they check and recheck their tiny LCD. If you're directly behind them, you might as well go home. Unless you've payed retarded amounts of money for floor seats, from where you're sitting the stage is likely the same size and half as bright as whatever photographic shit stain happens to be lighting up their phone.

Pictured: your night

What They Think This Says About Them:

"This occasion means so much that I will carry cherished memories of it with me for all my days or until I run out of memory space and have to delete the pictures to make room for that Keyboard Cat video."

What It Really Says About Them:

"My life is so devoid of meaning that whenever I do anything remotely cool, I have to gather as much evidence as possible. "

The Bootlegger

It's a pretty safe bet that, where there is a major band playing live, there is also someone in the crowd with $65,000 worth of pocket sized recording equipment. And you know what? That's fucking great! There is no better souvenir than a high quality recording of the live show you were at. With that said, the last thing you want is to be sitting next to that person while the tape is rolling. If you think we're cranky about the shenanigans people pull at concerts, we've got nothing on The Bootlegger.

That ironic "Members Only" jacket you're wearing? It's making a sound that their high end $1200 microphone keeps picking up, take it off please. Just where do you get off clapping and showing enthusiasm over an expertly executed guitar solo? If you want to express your admiration, leave a comment on the band's MySpace page. And that barely audible whisper to your friend about jumping the guy who keeps shushing you during a goddamn rock concert? Too loud, please limit any future correspondence to mental telepathy and hand signals only. Or alternately, just find him in the parking lot after the show. He'll be the guy driving the rape van with the giant antenna on the roof.

What They Think This Says About Them:

"I am a skilled technician who deserves the utmost respect and silence from a crowd of 20,000 people."

What It Really Says About Them:

"I may have flunked out of the audio recording and technology course at my local junior college, but the dream lives on."

The Cool Parents

Unless you're checking out Hannah Montana, there is no good reason anyone under the age of 12 should be anywhere in your vicinity at a concert. (If you're reading this and you've been to a Hannah Montana concert without child accompaniment, you should just add your name to the sex offender registry now. Go ahead, we'll wait.)

On the list of things you shouldn't do with kids, immersing them in a sea of drunken revelers while jet engine decibel level music blares in their face has to be near the top. But the Cool Parent is too hip for conventional rules.

In a perfect world, the parents would keep a close eye on their youngster to make sure they aren't running around annoying the shit out of everyone else. But if they did that, they wouldn't be shitty parents and, in turn, wouldn't have a kid there in the first place. Instead, at some point the shitty parent gene takes hold and the kid is left to their own devices.

This usually means standing on the seat in front of you or somewhere in the aisle next to you doing spastic little kid dances in an effort to siphon as much of your attention away from the show as possible. And while their parents have honed their ability to tune out their particular frequency of annoying, you and everyone else get to say goodbye to an awesome evening spent rocking.

The average level of annoying is an 8.5, or level Pratt.

What They Think This Says About Them:

"I wish my dad was cool enough to take me to rock shows when I was growing up! "

What It Really Says About Them:

"I will risk my child's hearing to save money on a babysitter. "

The Chronic Alcoholic

The Chronic Alcoholic is the alpha and omega of concert nuisances, a wobblier, pukier version of every one of the assholes we've mentioned up to this point with the exception of the cool parent (although there's a good chance they'll be peeing their pants and crying like a giant toddler by the end of the night).

Of course, there's nothing wrong with enjoying a few drinks at a concert. Who doesn't do that? But for the Chronic Alcoholic, drinking is the purpose for and sole focus of leaving the house that night. They carry themselves with a special kind of swagger that says, "Really, there's a concert tonight? I had no idea."

You won't even know you're sitting next to this guy until right after the show starts. Up to that point, their seat is completely unoccupied because they're out in the lobby getting trashed. But at some point during that first song, they'll come stumbling and slurring their way down the aisle. Once that happens, you're in for a joyous evening of off-key singing, excessive talking and unwelcome physical contact. In addition to that, the following things are all but guaranteed to occur during your concert experience:

-They will stumble into you, simultaneously spilling your beverage and theirs.

-They will spill a drink on the aggressive meathead in front of them.

-Your jaw will be shattered as part of the collateral damage from the ensuing fist fight.

-There will be vomit.

What They Think This Says About Them:

"Hey man, I'm the life of the party."

What It Really Says About Them:

"Intervention? Nope, never seen that show. Why do you ask?"

Adam hosts a podcast called Unpopular Opinion that you should check out right here. You should also be his friend on Twitter, Facebook and Tumblr.

Check out some more assholes that make everyday life that much harder in 8 Customers Everyone Hates and Why Tech Support Sucks: A Look Behind the Scenes.

And stop by Cracked.com's Top Picks to see DOB's wicked "Freebird" solo.

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