8 Customers Everyone Hates
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Let's face it: most of the people reading this have had jobs in the service industry. Waiter, barista, the shoe guy at the bowling alley. Everybody does it at one point in their lives. A low point. After all, no matter how much you love people, dealing with customers still pretty much sucks. Here are the ones that all of us in the customer service brigade have learned to hate: #8.
The Stoner
Distinguishing Characteristics: Tomato Eyes, Jamaican flags. Now don't get us wrong; there's nothing wrong with the occasional trip to Stoneyville. If you can keep the fact that you're high as a kite discreet, more power to you. However, once your being stoned out of your gourd interferes with other people's jobs, you've crossed the line. Especially when it handicaps you from making the crucial decision of what you want on your nachos.
Enter the Stoner, the guy who has no shame at all for being ripped off his ass. This dude is weaving in and out of reality, absolutely baffled as to how he got into Taco Bell. Now, we understand your situation : You're the hungriest you've ever been in your life, but you're also, in your condition, borderline useless. Unless you've planned ahead (you didn't) you'll have to make a monetary transaction involving you and another human being. But it's not like the extraordinarily complicated system of menu-order-wallet-money changes once you've decided to puff the magic dragon. This is something you've been doing on a daily basis for a good part of your life.
Come on guys, either wait until after you've got your food to smoke, or get a grip for the 30 seconds it takes to order a churro. Suitable Punishment in Hell: Being constantly stoned out of their minds. While this may not seem like much of a punishment, they will then be made to solve riddles, with each wrong answer resulting in a swift kick to the nuts. #7.
The Soapbox (a.k.a Captain Linger)
Distinguishing Characteristics: Having no company, reeking of desperation. Some people have no friends, no one they can chitchat with about the stupid things that they can both relate to. To remedy this problem, some of these people go out and actually make friends. Others simply go to their local coffee shop to talk to strangers working behind a counter, people who don't know/care who you are and are literally forced to listen to you in order to earn a paycheck.
Taking full advantage of their captive audience, the Soapbox will proceed to bore you to tears about uninteresting details from their day, their iguana's ailing health and their arsenal of closed-minded opinions and politically incorrect jokes that you have to chuckle at because your boss is standing right next to you. They will then linger for the next twenty to thirty minutes, talking to you while you're helping other people, trying to hide your waning interest in whatever the hell they were talking about. Sorry dude, but there's a difference between making small talk and forcing someone to listen to your nonsense. Lingerers, as a rule, have not yet discovered the Internet and blogging.
Suitable Punishment in Hell: Chihuahuas grafted to each shoulder, constantly barking in their ears, with no possible escape. #6.
The Anchor
Distinguishing Characteristics: Dust forming on shoulders. Ah yes, the sweet victory of coming to the end of a long line. It took forever to finally get there, so what do you do now? Do you make sure that you finish whatever it is you've been standing in line for quickly and efficiently, out of consideration for those that are in your former predicament? Fuck no! You lay anchor! That means your job is to waste your time and everyone else's, savoring the moment by asking pointless questions, making brilliant insights ("I'll tell ya, I was just standing in line") and commenting on how the place is run ("What you've got is an inefficient floor plan"). The Anchor is also the master of not taking no for an answer. They refuse to believe that the person helping them isn't just arbitrarily withholding the answer they're looking for.
The logic is that if they ask a question that cannot be answered enough times, the answer will magically conjure in the clerk's mind, or that the out of stock product will magically appear. "Do you still have the eggnog milkshakes?"
The Anchor is most commonly found at information kiosks and anywhere you can ask a virtually endless amount of questions, multiple times. Think the old Jewish lady from Harvey Pekar's American Splendor, or any middle-aged businessman who's taken one too many leadership seminars. Suitable Punishment in Hell: Being reincarnated as an actual anchor. #5.
The Micromanager
Distinguishing Characteristics: Neurotic behaviors, darting eyes. You will encounter this customer if you work any place where your work area is visible to the public (i.e. a coffee shop, bar, deli, Subway). This sort of environment is supposed to reassure the customer of the care that is going into their product, and is not meant to be an open invitation to critique sandwich making abilities.
The Micromanager has zero faith in your sandwich-mastery and isn't the least bit shy about expressing this verbally. It doesn't matter that this is your job and that after working here for the last couple years you kind of got the hang of how to spread mustard. The Micromanger is with you every step of the way; telling you how many pickles make the best sandwich and why its way better to cut it diagonally. If you're going to be involved with every single factor of making something, why not just make it yourself? In fact, if the managers were all that smart, they'd hire this guy as the human equivalent of a training video.
Suitable Punishment in Hell: Spending the rest of eternity in a cell with their in-laws, where their every action will be criticized. |
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and o yea, for the record: i almost always smoke AFTER i eat, cuz if u get high and everything than slam food for 20 mins ur not even high afterwards. same goes with pills, coke whatever.
and if u do get food after blazing, please for christ sake know how much money u have and what u want. im leaving ur ass if u take more than 2 mins to order a god damned chalupa
dude, i hate kids that are too obviously high. they put a bad name on functional stoners like myself, who smoke multiple times daily. u know what? im higher than u are, and my hair is washed and not dreaded, my eyes are clear (clear eyes, rhoto v), i actually understand whats going on and i look normal when interacting with regular society.
in fact, when i was a waiter a couple years ago id f**k with the stoners hardcore. theyd order something, id bring out something completely different. sometimes id speak with an accent. yea, good stuff.
Some cartoons that are exactly what you are talking about. "Those Customers" http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=30208&id=1632936808&l=4dbc3521b4
i don't know about you, but i hate the ones who make lame jokes and expect you to laugh with them, like the jokes are original and you've never heard them before. ie: who ordered the mug of cappucino - i did, a mug for a mug, haha. give me strength.
Or how about the dickheads that come in, order ONE thing and then hang out for 2 hours? When I worked at McDonalds we always used to get a group of about 10 teenagers that came in every Saturday, ordered an Ice-cream cone or some fries and then messed the place up under the guise of "paying customer"
We also used to get a church family that would come in every Sunday night just before closing...and not all at once either, no, they'd trickle in. The parents and their kids would arrive 10 minutes before to ensure that the place stayed open for the rest, they'd order and sit down in the area that was CLEARLY cleaned up and blocked off for the night. 5 minutes later came the grandparents. 2 minutes later the Aunts, uncles and cousins until finally we've got a full house 10 minutes after we're supposed to have closed down for the night...and they took their time too. Eating, talking for 15 minutes, coming up to order dessert, talking for another 15 minutes...ect.
Every goddamn Sunday!
And honestly, the people who don't speak English and expect me to understand what they're saying annoy me.
I get some people who have their kids ordering in English and that's cool if the parents can't speak it and the kids are above toddler age, or I've got the people who ask straight up if I can speak their language and I can politely and easily go for a manager or co-worker. Then there are the people who just keep pointing at the menu and babbling away, I try to get a manager but they don't want that...for some strange reason I HAVE to be the one to take their order, it's life or death for them that I somehow overcome the language barrier and take their order.
I second "The Creepy Perv"...every female costumer service worker has to deal with that guy who wants to slip you his phone number despite being 30 years older than you.
The worst customers are the guy who spouts close-minded statements though. It's incredibly hard to keep your mouth shut when there is an old guy sitting in the corner of your fast food joint spewing "THE MEXICANS AND THE FAGS ARE RUINING THIS COUNTRY" while your Gay and Mexican co-workers try to keep working as thought nothing is wrong. That just makes the whole place awkward, and they always stay far longer than it takes to drink their damn coffee.
this is a completely pointless comment at number 5.... but i work for the company that makes subway glass. wooo.
@TairyHesticles
Just dip those in the mayonnaise every once in while and things will go much more smoothly.
Damn dudes, best job I ever had was as a gas station clerk dealing with all these kinds of people in the most condescending way possible. I even got to make a few of them cry, it was great fun and kept my day entertaining.
I don't know if this has been mentioned already, and will generally apply to us girls, but what about The Creepy Perv? The guy old enough to be your grandfather who tells you that you have pretty eyes.
That's fine and dandy, Pops, but could you get the hell outta my line so I can continue with my life?
Jeez, pervs are annoying...
Now I am having flashbacks. Thanks a lot, Cracked.
haapy mf: calling people with cellphones "niggers amazed with bluetooth"-
unemployed white trash guttersnipe who can't even afford a tracfone and probably had to google the proper spelling of bluetooth.
any-f*****g-way...
don't forget the indulgent parent who wants to teach their child independence by holding up the ENTIRE GODDAMNED LINE for ten minutes while waiting for a 7 year old to decide what happy meal they want. NO, YOUR f*****g BRAT ISN'T CUTE. ORDER FOR THEM ALREADY.
As a customer, I always call out these people, as I know the clerk can't. Unchecked douchebaggery makes complicit all those who witness it in willing silence.
b) Having the appearance of a schizophrenic engaged in a one-sided conversation with themselves.
Also known as niggers amazed with bluetooth.
very good article. I feel for all the people working in retail. Thanks, all you brave souls.
notalwaysright.com
a site devoted to you everyday heroes where you'll see all 8 of these people and many, many more
I know his voice can get annoying alot quicker than others, but at first it's just hilarious. And laughing hysterically doesen't seem like Hell to me.
For the Soapbox, I think a suitable punishment in Hell would be having Gilbert Gottfried talking nonstop to them.
I work at Subway and we get every single one of those customers. One of the most irritating instances is when you get an entire family of procrastinators....during a rush. Mom, dad, their seven kids, cousin Louis, Aunt Bernice and the grandparents all can't decide which $5 footlong they want to split.....all while singing the "Five dollar, five dollar, five dollar footlong" song.
f**k my life...I hate my job.
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I've seen all of these gomers over the years. Now besides hang up and drive its hang up and walk. Saw one idiot pull in the parking lot on the phone, go in still yammering, take care of everything while talking and came out and left still talking. I just want to punch people like that in the face.