There are hundreds of organizations that are devoted to saving the Amazon. But, if Judge Joe Brown has taught us anything, it's that there are always two sides to an argument. So what could we possibly have against the rainforest? Well among other things, the Amazon is home to nightmarish creatures like the candiru, otherwise known as the vampire fish. The nickname appears to be a cruel joke, because quite frankly we'd rather get stuck in a damned city full of vampires rather than run into one these nightmares.
Seriously, if you haven't heard of these things, and what they can do, just start cringing now. It's about to get ugly.
First, it's tiny. You won't see it if you're, for instance, standing waist-deep in water. Not until it's much, much too late.
You see, when the fish isn't around humans, it utilizes its extreme sense of smell and taste to track trace amounts of urea and ammonia that leak from the gills of other, less assholish fish. Then the candiru wedges itself into their gills, extending spines to latch onto their flesh and feed on the blood of the host. To quote from Wikipedia: "the Candiru begins to gnaw a hole towards a major blood vessel and gorges itself." But who cares about that? After all, you're not a fish, right?
Hey, you know what else releases a stream of urea and ammonia? You, pissing yourself in fear of this unholy beast. Thus if you are unlucky enough to be in the Amazon River when you relieve yourself, you may fall victim to the candiru burrowing in a private region (we mean your dick). Yes, this happens. Now go back and read that part about the spines.
The candiru is represented here by a baby. The hot dog is your penis.
The fish is almost impossible to remove without surgery, though what difference does that make when the alternative would be expelling a spiny fish from your freshly ravaged nether regions?
Ah, Australia. You knew it would turn up on this list. Why? Because it's home to things like the fucking stonefish, that's why.
This spiny fish calls the Great Barrier Reef home. The Great Barrier Reef isn't generally regarded as the epicenter of terror, but the stonefish is doing its damnedest to turn that around. It lives up to its name by sitting at the bottom of the reef and refusing to move while it waits for shrimp or small fish to happen by so it can suck them into its massive mouth. It remains unclear whether or not the stonefish makes the same sound as Kirby.
Regarded by the scientific community for its ability to camouflage itself, the stonefish is better at being a rock than most rocks.
Damn, he's good.
Lying in one spot for extended periods of time and eating shrimp is something that we can get behind. Doing it in Australia is all the better. However, the Cracked staff does not share the same poison injecting, death-inducing attitude. The extremely immobile and apparently lazy nature of the fish would indicate that we could get along, but no. The jerkfish has to have 13 incredibly poisonous and incredibly sharp spines that are capable of killing a completely healthy adult human in just two hours.