The 6 Deadliest Creatures (That Can Fit In Your Shoe)
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They say good things come in small packages. You know what else comes in small packages? Unrelenting pain and horror. You can thank Mother Nature for that, as she has seen fit to equip some of the tiniest creatures with the most crippling--and deadly--venom. So read this and remember to give your boot a good shake before shoving your foot in there. #6.
Golden Dart Frog
What the Fuck is That? If you're planning any hikes in the jungle in the near future, you might come across this cute little fella. Weighing about an ounce and reaching the impressive size of one inch, the Golden Dart Frog is indigenous to the rain forests in Colombia. Look at the little guy! It makes you want to take one home, doesn't it? What's this Funny Feeling? If you missed your high school biology class on brightly colored animals, then chances are you did pick up the frog. Unfortunately for you, their skin is covered in enough poison to kill ten fully grown human beings. That's right, a frog that is potentially smaller than your wang (we can't stress potentially enough) will kill you and your nine best friends if you fuck with it. The Golden Dart Frog's poisonous skin is nothing new to the people of Colombia. Tribesmen have been wiping the tips of their darts on these amphibians for centuries, utilizing the toxins as a weapon and, thus, providing the modern name for these little bastards.
Scientists speculate that these frogs amass their toxins through the prey they eat, who spend time ingesting toxins from the various vegetation in their environment. This speculation came from the fact that frogs raised away from the rain forest aren't poisonous at all. How does that help you when you're dying thousands of miles away from the non-poisonous frog? It doesn't. Will I Be Alright? Probably not. Extensive research via wikipedia yielded this result: "Currently no effective antidote exists for the treatment of batrachotoxin poisoning." So unless you're leimadophis epinephelus, a breed of snake that can consume the frogs (if you're reading this, you're probably not), stay the fuck away. #5.
Geographic Cone Snail
What the Fuck is That? So you're on vacation in Australia, drinking a Fosters, chasing dingos away from your babies and arguing about what things are and are not knives. You sign up to go on a scuba tour of the Great Barrier Reef. After a quick tutorial on what you can and cannot touch that you didn't even understand (they are speaking Australian after all), you're down in the ocean exploring the reef. One small and particularly beautiful shell grabs your attention and you pick it up out of curiosity. That's when you feel a pinch on your palm. Congratulations, you've just been stung by one of Australia's deathly toxic residents. What's this Funny Feeling? That funny feeling is cocktail of toxins that were just lanced into your hand by a harpoon. Cone snails can fire off those harpoons in any direction and they use them to paralyze fish (at which point they then eat them--alive). Fortunately, you're too big for the cone snail to eat. Unfortunately, the toxins still affect you in a terrible way. Depending on which species of cone snail you picked up, you're either feeling the effects of your nervous system being fucked to hell or you're suffering this delightful symphony of shit, per Wikipedia:
"Paresthesias of the lips and tongue are followed by sialorrhea, sweating, headache, weakness, lethargy, ataxia, incoordination, tremor, paralysis, cyanosis, aphonia, dysphagia, seizures, dyspnea, bronchorrhea, bronchospasm, respiratory failure, coma, and hypotension. Gastroenteric symptoms are often severe and include nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, and abdominal pain. Cardiac arrhythmias may precede complete respiratory failure and cardiovascular collapse." And you probably haven't even made it to dry land yet. Will I Be Alright? That depends on how competent the people around you are. There is no cure for the cone snail's venom, and treatment is simply based on how long your rescuers can keep you alive while your body pisses, shits and vomits the toxins out. If the people saving you haven't already fled the scene of your body exploding from every orifice, their CPR is simply meant to keep you breathing until you've shat the last little bit of venom out. #4.
Blue-Ringed Octopus
What the Fuck is That? After that pants-shitting near-death experience with the cone snail, you opt to explore the shallow tidal pools on shore. After scavenging through all the dully colored shells, you come upon a tiny octopus. As you approach, bright blue rings appear on the its skin. Curious, you pick the magical creature up. Luck is not on your side today. The appearance of those bright rings is the warning sign of the blue-ringed octopus. What's this Funny Feeling? Or no feeling, as it turns out. The beak of the golf ball-sized bottom feeder is strong enough to pierce through wetsuit gloves and give the handler a fatal dose of venom. You probably won't feel the toxins, at first. That's only because you'll be completely paralyzed. But believe us when we tell you that you'll begin to feel pain when you realize you can't breathe.
The venom from these tiny sea creatures is created by the bacteria that live in their air sacs. The deadly cocktail contains ten toxins in all, designed to leave you paralyzed and yet completely aware of your surroundings. Will I Be Alright? Like the cone snail attack, it all depends on how much the people around you know about what's happened. If they realize that you've been bitten by a blue-ringed octopus (whose venom is powerful enough to kill 26 human beings within a couple of minutes), rescue breathing may keep you alive. But if no one is aware of what happened, you'll probably just appear dead to the world. Nobody will know that you're paralyzed and can't breathe. As they pack you into a body bag, your body reflexively shitting itself, your one final thought will be: "Man, fuck Australia." |
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Christ, those spiders are nightmare fuel!
Australia may be filled with dangerous animals, but that is why we are taught not to touch wild animals before we are taught to walk. Parts of this article give me the impression that American tourists like to get their kicks out of poking local wildlife. Heh.
i got bitten by a brown recluse, didnt realize til i went to the hospital 2 days later when a chunk of my skin fell off. nothin happened really. a 3"x3" chunk of skin fell off and i felt a little sick. lucky it wasnt one of these nasty australian fuckers.. im not dead.. i just had a bald spot on my leg now haha
I'm surprised the Irukandji didn't make it on the list, sucks.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Irukandji_jellyfish
Man the British hospital staff that came across that Spawn of Satan figured it was a "garden variety arachnid"?
Are you kidding? It was about 6 inches long and just look at it? What planet were they from that they thought that thing was no big deal?
I would have called Sigourney Weaver to come take care of it.
Reading that noise about that Spawns Of Hades, And the DeathStalker...doesn't help the fact that my house is INFESTED with scorpions and black widows, just makes me less ignorant, I suppose.
A couple years back, I was sitting on the floor when I felt something tickling me. Thinking it was a strand of my hair, I brushed it off..only to look down and notice that this scorpion was half way up my shorts and half the size of my hand.
I literally had to scan my room every single night with a black light, and finally one day, I got stung. (Called poison control and they just told me it would be numb for a little bit.)
The bad things about spiders though, is that they're f*****g ninjas.. they lurk in the darkness..waiting.
Seriously, f**k Arizona, but right now it sure beats Australia.
I couldn't even look at the spider. I swear, I couldn't even look at it. I hate spiders and that thing hates spiders. Cause it's a demon. It's not a spider, it's a damn demon.
So, what movies are some of these from?
I think number 1 was in Seven Pounds with Will Smith. *spoiler* He used it to kill himself.
Number 6 was used in Apocalypto
And number 2 reminds me of the spider from arachniphobia.
"We Aussies love to talk up how toxic our backyard can be. People respect us then, possibly assuming that every day is a struggle to live. They stay the hell away, but they respect us. I'll bet there are people in India telling tourists right now how tigers occasionally come into their village and take small children away to eat somewhere, just enjoying the pants-crapping moment in front of them."
Owen, the word is not respect, the word is pity.
CANADA AND ITS LACK OF VENEMOUS ANIMALS FTW.
Although moose still scare the f**k out of me.
Oh, hey, Craptionator. Welcome to the joke.
Drop Bear isn't real d*****t
No, Owen. No one respects Australia.
owen21
You've forgotten to mention one of our bigger backyard creatures, and perhaps the most deadly. The Drop Bear is prone to attack tourists who linger beneath our Gum Trees for any great period of time. A close relative to the Koala, perceived by tourists as cute, the Drop Bear has venomous fangs and a propensity to claw the jugular.
Can you fight back? No, Drop Bears are now facing extinction and so are a protected species.
Will you survive? If it doesn't get at your throat the venom is quite treatable... if you are near a hospital. If you're bush walking in the Blue Mountains have the Rescue Chopper number on speed-dial.
Why does it only attack tourists? Great question. If you've met an Australian, or even a Kiwi, you'll understand our obsession with Vegemite. If you haven't heard, Vegemite is a bread-spread we eat by the spoonful – it is 80% yeast and if you didn't grow up on it you have a 1/1000 chance of liking the taste (as suggested by a study in the UK instigated by Marmite, a close competitor).
Advice from an Australian: grow to like Vegemite, or if you prefer - which beers contain the most yeast in the world? Australian ones. Drop Bears have great smell & Australian summer makes you sweat...
Did anyone else read that article? The spider from the hospital was knocked into a freezer for a while, had boiling water poured on it, was sealed in a jar, and was microwaved. And it got up and started freaking the f**k out.
I'm allergic to South America now.
We Aussies love to talk up how toxic our backyard can be. People respect us then, possibly assuming that every day is a struggle to live. They stay the hell away, but they respect us. I'll bet there are people in India telling tourists right now how tigers occasionally come into their village and take small children away to eat somewhere, just enjoying the pants-crapping moment in front of them.
too bad Lana Clarkson's actual "Deathstalker" went by the name of Phil Spector
someone please tell me there's an article on why everyone should just stay the f**k out of austrailia. it seems every other deadly, drop-you-with-a-dirty-look creature has decided to take up residence on one island in the south pacific, way away from everyone else. I think that was our first hint.
we get these spider called mouse spiders here in australia. any how i came across one one day and instead of it walking or runnig away like most spiders would. the little p***k walked towards me. so walked outta the way and it changed cause to wards me. no matter where ii went it would change path to come towards me. by the way this thing has been blamed for some of the deaths that were thought to be caused by the sydney funnel web. and uses same the exact same anti venom as you would from a bite by one. so this little guty is mean only this long too[ ] so hard to see follows you and is highly poisonous.
I nearly got stung by a deathstalker once, I was working in this archeological dig (in Israel) and for some very stupid reason I decided to dig a bit by hand. As soon as I started digging I apparently touched the little bastard and it went into f-ing combat mode! Luckily enough for me I managed to slice him with a shovel rather quickly, but that was an extremely close call!
Ok so i work at a Whole Foods in Tulsa,Ok and we had a Wandering spider in a display bananas we got from Honduras (yes that means it was out with the customers). It was all over the news.. we gave it to the university and they killed it apparently. Some guy at the zoo said it wasn't one but it was really aggressive and s**t and the university guy said it was so I think it was.
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Holy crap! The Spawn of Satan was frozen, had boiling water poured over it, confined, cooked in a microwave, and it still lived, and showed aggression!?! This thing is going to walk across the Atlantic Ocean and kill the President! After it takes out every member of the Secret Service!!!