Laughter is the best medicine, and Cracked's got a full prescription pad and no sense of medical ethics. Get ready for 10 CCs of comedy injected directly into your eyeballs!
Oh, and you know how every week now we spotlight our favorite Topics Page? This week it's The Simpsons page, put together by forum superstar Quagmar. We don't want to give anything away, but there's a gif of Hans Moleman getting hit in the crotch.
Still need more Cracked? follow us on twitter, it'll be like injecting our site directly into your veins. Doesn't that sound neat?
POPPYCOCK AND BALDERDASH!
5 Most Ridiculous Lies Ever Published As Nonfiction
Now it's only a matter of time before someone does some fact checking on DOB's autobiography.
Notable Comment: Kjellis85 and about fifty other people all asked versions of the same question, "Why isn't the Bible on this list?" Let's just say that when the Pope signs your paychecks, you steer clear of certain subjects.
THINK OF THE CHILDREN!
The 6 Most Insane Moral Panics In American History
Knee-jerk reactionary thinking didn't work any of THESE times, but it'll surely save lives NEXT time!
Notable Comment:NomNomNom chimed in helpfully with this gem, "At my niece's school there was concern about rainbow parties...but in these parties, the kids wore different colored bracelets based on what they had done (or were into)..like green for oral, blue for bi-curious, brown for anal (I am just making these color examples up). From what the students were saying they were really doing it...but not lipstickcockrainbows. " And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is how baseless national panic begins.
7 Species That Get High More Than We Do.
Proving once again that animals can make anything cute, even the horrifying specter of drug abuse.
Notable Comment:About every other commenter was eager to inform us that Koala bears just looooove to get stoned on Eucalyptus. The fact that an equal number of people posted links dispelling this misconception did nothing to dissuade you. KOALAS ARE STRAIGHT-EDGE. GET OVER IT.
8 TV Ads that Hate Women
We must protect the fairer sex!
Notable Comment: From commenter redjimmy, "Whoever labelled the tyre ad was a feminist poco 'tard. So the idea of a man caring for his wifes wellbeing is 'misogynistic' now? The ad was over the top, but aimed at a husbands noble intentions (ie women are the fairer sex and ought to be protected). Women are not men with a hollowed out area where their c**k should be - and there are still plenty of decent women who appreciate chivalry. Actually I don't know ANY women who prefer to drive when their partner is present (and awake/sober) - 'sexist' these ladies may be, but women-haters (misogynists)? Only in the eyes of bitter feminists I guess " So. How's single life treating you? Don't worry, someday you'll find a nice, timid girl who appreciates your brand of 'chivalry'.
I'M SO ALONE
5 Reasons Being Single Sucks Even More Than You Thought
This article goes great with a solitary coffee and a tear-drenched hankerchief.
Notable Comment: Res_Ipsa speaks for about 80% of our readers when he says, "Actually, considering how much more my life sucks due to my singleness, my earlier death seems like a blessing! ^_^ " Who would have thought an internet comedy website would have so many single readers!
I'M SO ALONE
5 Most Half-Assed Monsters in Movie History
Our perennial favorite, Night of the Beaver-pus, somehow failed to make the list.
Notable Comment: Shoegal529 says, "I'm going to start ending all my conversations with 'Bang, done. Someone pass the cocaine.' " That's pretty much how every Editorial meeting goes.
Remember Your First Cup of Coffee?
Coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee!
YOU YOU YOU!
If Valentine's Day Cards told the Truth
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, Oscar Movie Moments Left on the Cutting Room Floor.
After finally subduing Doc Octopus, Spiderman took extreme measures to make sure he would NEVER come back again.
"I said Iron MAN, not CHEF...assholes."
What do you know... Guns DO kill people.
well, its kind of a stabbing pain in the chest and it hurts when I dance.
If you're a man carrying a purse in public, it feels like the whole world is watching you,
"I TOLD you there'd be cameras. Now aren't you glad I belt-sanded your face off?"
This picture is from when The Matrix was still running on DOS...
The Lego bus was years from being built, let alone being operational.
God activated the "Big Head" cheat.
Dammit Chris, I TOLD you not to stand next to me! I'm trying to score here!
BUT WAIT! There's more!
behold the USSR2-D2
The Rubik's "FUCK YOU!" is now available at a store near you.
"Man this is heavy! But no, it's ok Cliff, just keep videotaping our futility. Asshole."
Bawitdaba, pass the green beans.
It's hard out there for millionaire purveyors of garbage pizza.