Laughter is the best medicine, and Cracked's got a full prescription pad and no sense of medical ethics. Get ready for 10 CCs of comedy injected directly into your eyeballs!

Oh, and you know how every week now we spotlight our favorite Topics Page? This week it's The Simpsons page, put together by forum superstar Quagmar. We don't want to give anything away, but there's a gif of Hans Moleman getting hit in the crotch.

Still need more Cracked? follow us on twitter, it'll be like injecting our site directly into your veins. Doesn't that sound neat?

Gladstone starts us off this week with a message about
cellulite and feminism, while Bucholz gives some double-entendre laden economic advice to all you Crack-heads out there. Meanwhile, Brockway takes some of our loyal interns to go get hammered, as Daniel O'Brien alienates our entire audience with internet comedy's first pro-Valentine's Day article. You know the comments on that one are going to be good.
5 Most Ridiculous Lies Ever Published As Nonfiction
Now it's only a matter of time before someone does some fact checking on DOB's autobiography.

Notable Comment: Kjellis85 and about fifty other people all asked versions of the same question, "Why isn't the Bible on this list?" Let's just say that when the Pope signs your paychecks, you steer clear of certain subjects.

The 6 Most Insane Moral Panics In American History
Knee-jerk reactionary thinking didn't work any of THESE times, but it'll surely save lives NEXT time!

Notable Comment:NomNomNom chimed in helpfully with this gem, "At my niece's school there was concern about rainbow parties...but in these parties, the kids wore different colored bracelets based on what they had done (or were into) green for oral, blue for bi-curious, brown for anal (I am just making these color examples up). From what the students were saying they were really doing it...but not lipstickcockrainbows. " And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is how baseless national panic begins.

7 Species That Get High More Than We Do.
Proving once again that animals can make anything cute, even the horrifying specter of drug abuse.

Notable Comment:About every other commenter was eager to inform us that Koala bears just looooove to get stoned on Eucalyptus. The fact that an equal number of people posted links dispelling this misconception did nothing to dissuade you. KOALAS ARE STRAIGHT-EDGE. GET OVER IT.

8 TV Ads that Hate Women
We must protect the fairer sex!

Notable Comment: From commenter redjimmy, "Whoever labelled the tyre ad was a feminist poco 'tard. So the idea of a man caring for his wifes wellbeing is 'misogynistic' now? The ad was over the top, but aimed at a husbands noble intentions (ie women are the fairer sex and ought to be protected). Women are not men with a hollowed out area where their c**k should be - and there are still plenty of decent women who appreciate chivalry. Actually I don't know ANY women who prefer to drive when their partner is present (and awake/sober) - 'sexist' these ladies may be, but women-haters (misogynists)? Only in the eyes of bitter feminists I guess " So. How's single life treating you? Don't worry, someday you'll find a nice, timid girl who appreciates your brand of 'chivalry'.

5 Reasons Being Single Sucks Even More Than You Thought
This article goes great with a solitary coffee and a tear-drenched hankerchief.

Notable Comment: Res_Ipsa speaks for about 80% of our readers when he says, "Actually, considering how much more my life sucks due to my singleness, my earlier death seems like a blessing! ^_^ " Who would have thought an internet comedy website would have so many single readers!

5 Most Half-Assed Monsters in Movie History
Our perennial favorite, Night of the Beaver-pus, somehow failed to make the list.

Notable Comment: Shoegal529 says, "I'm going to start ending all my conversations with 'Bang, done. Someone pass the cocaine.' " That's pretty much how every Editorial meeting goes.

Remember Your First Cup of Coffee?
Coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee!

If Valentine's Day Cards told the Truth
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, Oscar Movie Moments Left on the Cutting Room Floor.

Funny photos. Funnier captions. Submitted by YOU. Voted on by the People. Think you're funnier than this week's winners?
Contribute your own.


After finally subduing Doc Octopus, Spiderman took extreme measures to make sure he would NEVER come back again.
by CavalierX

Editor's pick:

"I said Iron MAN, not CHEF...assholes."
by Gratisthethird


What do you know... Guns DO kill people.
by jeffreys76

Editor's pick:

well, its kind of a stabbing pain in the chest and it hurts when I dance.
by crhino


If you're a man carrying a purse in public, it feels like the whole world is watching you,
by siromar

Editor's pick:

"I TOLD you there'd be cameras. Now aren't you glad I belt-sanded your face off?"
by Tranorix


This picture is from when The Matrix was still running on DOS...
by Walker720

Editor's pick:

The Lego bus was years from being built, let alone being operational.
by Truthiness


God activated the "Big Head" cheat.
by otacon17

Editor's pick:

Dammit Chris, I TOLD you not to stand next to me! I'm trying to score here!
by Crazybbq


BUT WAIT! There's more!
by bronana

Editor's pick:

behold the USSR2-D2


The Rubik's "FUCK YOU!" is now available at a store near you.
by Bionic_Crouton

Editor's pick:

"Man this is heavy! But no, it's ok Cliff, just keep videotaping our futility. Asshole."
by jekelish

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