I’ll be totally honest: I fucking love Valentine’s Day. I know. I know. You hate it. Hate it. Grrr. You hate it because it’s a Hallmark holiday; because it’s a shallow, commercialized moneymaker, and because you are extremely cool and tragically brilliant.
Look how cool you are. You’re an artist.
You know what I find to be the most aggravating thing about Valentine’s Day? That every year, at least one person (but always more) will say, as soon as the holiday is brought up, “You know Valentine’s Day is just a made up, corporate holiday, right? That it’s just designed to make money? Did you know that?” They say it like it’s some big secret, and only they know the truth because they dared to break off from the herd and question everything.
But, honestly, is there anyone who isn’t aware of how commercialized the holiday is? Does anyone think they’re honoring a saint or a god or anything when they’re buying chocolates? Like smokers knowing that cigarettes might be vaguely dangerous, I think it’s safe to say that, from now on, no one will ever have to enlighten anyone else about how basically meaningless Valentine’s Day is. No one anywhere thinks they’re celebrating to honor any saints, or anything.
So, do you hate Valentine’s Day because you hate consumerism and Valentine’s Day shamelessly pulls in $14 billion a year? Fine. Great, you can totally hate consumerism, that’s terrific. Just be aware that, when someone is buying somebody else a weepy, overpriced, bastard Hallmark card or a heart-shaped Whitman’s Sampler, they’re not thinking, “Score one more for consumerism!” No, they’re thinking, “Hey, a card. [Insert Name] will really love this,” or “Chocolates. I just might be boning someone tonight.”
There are plenty of lame holidays, but none take as much shit as Valentine’s Day, and I just don’t get where all this animosity is coming from. I can see people getting angry about the commercialization of Christmas, or Thanksgiving; those holidays had clear meanings that have been obscured and exploited. But Valentine’s Day? Nobody even knows what the hell that’s about. My co-blogger and the Heavyweight Champion of Internet Video Mike Swaim touched on the fact that we’re not even totally sure who this holiday is supposed to honor, historically speaking, but that was just the tip of the iceberg. There’s anywhere from three to a billion dead Christian martyrs named “Valentine,” and no one has ever been able to reasonably pinpoint which one deserves his own day. And, before the Christians, pagans had excessive feasts around February 14 that are closer in spirit to what we celebrate today than the lives if Christian martyrs but, again, who knows? It’s all a mix of pagans, boning and dead Christians at this point. The meaning of Valentine’s Day hasn’t been lost over time because there never was one.
So, nothing sacred is being tarnished. No one is being dishonored. So, what are you so mad about? Valentine’s Day is about chocolates, excess and boning, and generally a filthy, sticky, delicious combination of all three if you can manage it. Until someone creates delicious bacon that also tells me I’m handsome, I will hold up Valentine’s Day as man’s greatest invention. From when Valentine’s Day was started in America until today, in whatever year this is, we have consistently celebrated commercialization and money and porking and candy and chocolate and cheesy cards. What’s wrong with any of those things? What’s wrong with a holiday about eating candy and fucking? I know how painfully cool you are, and I know you like being miserable all the time and today presents the perfect opportunity for you to be even more miserable and bitter and whiny, but just shut up for a while. People are just trying to smile and bone and eat tons of chocolate. Why do you have a problem with that?
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August 5th, 2009 at 2:22 am
hes completly right. valentines is for chicks to get stuff and for guys to get pussy. nothing wrong with that. with my girlfriend i knew i was getting laid valentines night and that put me in a good mood.
July 31st, 2009 at 10:27 am
The article was decently funny, but those pictures made it AMAZING!
July 4th, 2009 at 5:27 am
RAJA JAWAD’CHIB RAJPUT
July 4th, 2009 at 5:23 am
RAJA G
July 1st, 2009 at 4:32 pm
Let’s see, New Year’s Day is an excess of alcohol and sleep deprivation and it’s cool.
Halloween is an excess of candy and frightening babies, totally cool.
Christmas is an excess of good will and bratty kids, awesomely cool.
But Valentine’s?! Excess of candy and love and lovely candy-licious boning? Screw that shit. Screw it right to HECK.
(DOB, whoo!) Cheers, Buzz.
June 13th, 2009 at 11:51 pm
I hate Valentines Day, but Im also with you on this one. Of course its commercialised! How else would we know about it?! How else would we know where to buy stuff for it, that argument is a moot point.
Um, and Pagans had a big feast day on the last day of January, but it was about the changing season, days getting longer and all that.
June 6th, 2009 at 10:00 pm
DOB in the butt.
May 18th, 2009 at 9:31 am
# Juje Says:
March 7th, 2009 at 7:20 pm
I’m pretty sure Valentines Day came from Saint Valentines Day, which, as the name states, celebrates Saint Valentine. His whole thing was turning Jews into snakes and then killing them. Not sure where the romance thing comes in…
FAIL. You couldn’t be more wrong
May 4th, 2009 at 10:33 am
[...] bin gerade schreibfaul. Darum lasse ich diesen Artikel auf Cracked für mich sprechen und zitiere unten das Intro, welches es ziemlich auf den Punkt [...]
March 11th, 2009 at 9:52 am
Am I the only one who finds it rather amusing how people will bitch about the economy and then also bitch about the money making holidays such as Valentine’s day? Whats wrong with celebrating just for the sake of celebrating?
And i could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure its St. Patrick who dealt with snakes. Ive never heard any stories about St. Valentine and snakes, but then its been a good 12 years since i was in Catholic school.
March 7th, 2009 at 9:28 pm
i only hate it cuz i’m not that into cheesy stuff. lol. the commercialism doesn’t bother me.
March 7th, 2009 at 7:20 pm
I’m pretty sure Valentines Day came from Saint Valentines Day, which, as the name states, celebrates Saint Valentine. His whole thing was turning Jews into snakes and then killing them. Not sure where the romance thing comes in…
February 25th, 2009 at 3:45 am
I feel for the singletons cus it’s their day damn it. Valentine’s day has been boycotted by couples…..I know cus I’m part of a couple (that’s one, for those of you not in the know) but as it goes, I’m female & I took my husband out on Valentine’s day this year for a meal & I paid for it, no it wasn’t two for one or McDonalds, it was a proper bonefide restaurant with candles & they even had plastic roses on the table & everything with the stuff & the things. So it’s not about women milking their men!
I also celebrate Crimass (we don’t call it christmas, cus we’re not religious) & there’s nothing religious about it anymore (certainly not in UK anyway!) so up yours anyone that does keep pointing out that it’s all commercialised! Well done DOB.
February 24th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
@ Happily Disappointed. In case you ever check this page again I feel I need to say something. If you’re fucking lonely, then go do something about it instead of being bitter at people who are just having a good time. If you suck that much at getting a significant other then maybe on Valentines Day you should just buy some roses and give ‘em to a prostitute (along with 50 bucks for that little extra somethin’).
February 23rd, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Heh, I’m a bit late reading this, I don’t care.
For some reason I thought this would be an article about how you love Valentine’s Day because somehow, Hannah Montana has no boyfriend and is sad. Oh well…
Hannah Montana is the reason people hate Valentine’s Day, because she hoards all their chocolatey treats for herself and her serpent offspring.
February 23rd, 2009 at 2:37 am
“People are just trying to smile and bone and eat tons of chocolate. Why do you have a problem with that?”
BECAUSE IM NOT INVITED TO THE PARTY!
I’ve got no problem with people who are stagnating in their relationships adding some new vigor for just a day, I’d be happy about it if I could at least join in.
February 23rd, 2009 at 12:58 am
[...] by akingslife Given that today is Valentine’s Day a post on love seems appropriate. [In the words of the greatest writer of our times, please don't tell us how it's a made-up corporate holiday. Don't mention Hallmark. We get it. [...]
February 21st, 2009 at 10:04 pm
Hey, this is a bit late really great post DOB. It’s so nice that one of the most influential figures in modern internet humor history uses his powers for good. I’m eating a Toblerone.
February 18th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
I’m late reading this but it was good! I hate people who hate on V-day I enjoy my endless fucking and indulgence of fat-assery with chocolates!
February 17th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
who’s worse..the moaners or the people who moan about the moaners.
February 17th, 2009 at 11:01 am
Val Kilmer for Governor: “Fuck you, shut up and eat your sloppy joe and like it.!” LMFAO.
Fuck Valentine’s Day! Not because of the gifts, the cards, chocolates or any of that shit. It’s that women think that men should pay for everything… OK. But when it comes time to put out. She’s “not feeling well”. What the fuk! Bitch gimme back my 2-can-dine coupon!
February 17th, 2009 at 10:53 am
I’m an artist. I HATE St. Valentine’s day. I’m going to go paint a picture of your face, Daniel, and then wipe my ass with it. And then put it in a box of fucking ferrero rocher and send it to you, and I’ll sign it from “Your sweetheart” so you’ll definately eat it. And then I’ll laugh in your fucking face.
Actually, no I won’t. I can’t be fucked. You can enjoy your ferrero rocher in peace.
or can you?
>.>
<.<
February 17th, 2009 at 10:00 am
This was excellent.
February 16th, 2009 at 9:10 pm
I love this article.
Love the illustrations, too.
Love Valentine’s Day -
I’m still laughing over the bacon.
I’m a dj on a local NPR jazz station & host a weekly 40’s & 50’s R&B show and I think I touched all these bases on Sat. - except the bacon!
Oh wait, would “It Ain’t The Meat, It’s The Motion” by the Swallows count?
February 16th, 2009 at 8:51 pm
I just hate V-Day because it’s Single Awareness Day for me.
Happy (late) S.A.D. to all!
February 16th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
(Side note: I totally didn’t have sex but isn’t like she would know that)
February 16th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
I agree with this entire article… I was sitting in one my classes and someone walked in and said “How did everyone enjoy their “International Day of Being Single” or whatever and I almost punched them in the face.
I should have said “Well, I had sex last night but let me guess what you did; Stayed home, watched Charmed or Gilmore Girls and listened to Tori Amos’ Greatest Hits. That must have been GREAT!”
February 16th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
Aww damn, can I at least have my two deep-fried sausage and deep-fried blood pudding sandwiches?
February 16th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
No Ross, you’re being punished for equating rose petals and hemroids.
Now go to your room and no haggis for you tonight young man!
Which really isn’t much of a punishment, at least the haggis part.
February 16th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
Am I the only single who enjoys V-day? Watching other guys bust their asses and wallets is rather amusing, while I get to sit back and chillax.
February 16th, 2009 at 6:07 am
just so people know of this, march 14th is steak and blowjob day. if guys are supposed to make valentines day special for their girl, then this is the girls chance to do something for their man. but if he didn’t do anything special, then just taunt him by boning his best friend.
February 16th, 2009 at 2:20 am
This was a great article. Yay! Good stuff again Daniel. I hate you everyday more, because of it.
I would also like to acknowledge, the two most awesome commenters on Cracked! Glendoor and Kingmonkey! I must admit I am a huge fan! I normally just skip the articles to read your comments. You two are exremely funny and well versed. For that I hope a car runs over the both of you.
Damn I don’t handle jealousy very well.
February 15th, 2009 at 8:51 pm
Candy and sex, is an everyday occurance for me
February 15th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
Hmmm compelling points are being made.
Fuck it. Valentine’s Day is fine by me from now on I guess.
February 15th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
I have to say I agree with greengoddess.
Up until I read this, I hadn’t been a huge fan of Valentine’s day, but you’ve definitely changed my mind, DOB.
<3
February 15th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
I don’t see why I’m being punished for relating hemorrhoids and anal sex.
As far as I can see that’s just a natural fit.
And I gave up watching SNL after becoming aware I hated the entire cast.
February 15th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
I really don’t give a care what V-day is all about.
Good for you if you like it, I’m not trying to thrash on your day.
It still sucks.
February 15th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
DOB my Sweet, until 2 minutes ago I fucking hated Valentine’s Day. And then I read, “What’s wrong with a holiday about eating candy and fucking?” You have changed my mind (which is my favorite high).
After this post, I have almost completely forgiven you for your total lack of shirtless blogging.
February 15th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
And where is little Danny O’Brien, by the way. He hasn’t responded to any of the comments.
Is he on a romantic three day weekend with his Spiderman suit and 14 supermodels having a chocolate explosion bonegasm?
( Little known fact , Dan wears his Spiderman suit under his clothes everywhere he goes, even funnier when you know that the suit is his Halloween costume from when he was ten and yes, it still fits,)
Or… OR!!!…. Has he gotten all fucking stuck-up like some bloggers around here, who shall remain nameless, MICHEAL SWAIM, who, has of late, deemed not to impart their vast wisdom, knowledge and literary genius in the comment sections of their blogs with us mere peons, surfs and peasants, and because he thinks the smell is too bad for his delicate sensibilities.
(I’m will to cut Swaim a break for a little while longer, because getting hair plugs, they say, really takes a lot out of a person)
Bucholz is a robot, so any seemingly normal human interaction is simply amazing for him.
Brockway still does, but give him time.
And at least Gladstone still responds to comments, but that ain’t saying a whole lot, because Gladstone would respond to a fence post if it would be his friend on Facebook.
I, …. I, uh, I really need to switch to decaf.
February 15th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
I don’t mind people who have a problem with Valentine’s Day, but I mind it when they have to throw it into other people’s fucking faces. I knew a guy who outright refused to accept the gift (candy or some such thing) that his girlfriend had bought for him because she was just “feeding the machine” or some hippie shit like that. Seriously what an asshole.
February 15th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
Yes Ross “Debbie Downer”. According to Websters unabridged
Dictionary, the second definition for Debbie Downer is someone who sees rose petals in a heart shape and thinks about his hemorrhoids. You can relate, I reckon.
In all seriousness, it was fairly recent long running skit on SNL, learn something everyday.
February 15th, 2009 at 10:32 am
“Debbie downer”?
DEBBIE FUCKING DOWNER!?
ARE YOU FIVE!? ARE YOU A CHRISTIAN LIBARIAN? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH WITH YOU?
February 15th, 2009 at 7:28 am
Those Valentines cards are awesome! I’m saving those for next year.
February 15th, 2009 at 6:41 am
JdG - If a girl expects a gift on Valentine’s that may not be cool, but what’s even more un-cool is when a guy doesn’t care enough to WANT to get her a gift whether she expects one or not. If there is one thing I’ve learned about love, it’s that when I want to put 100% of my end of the effort into the relationship (whether it’s gift giving on a holiday or just any other day) and don’t expect it in return, I usually get the effort returned. Funny how it can work like that eh? If you don’t want to get a girl a gift, or you get one just to keep from getting in trouble.. I think it’s safe to say one or both of you isn’t putting in your end of the effort and you probably need a new mate!
Tuba1060 - The first time I’ve even seen Valentine’s day described as boning + chocolate = good is in this article. I’ve been single for plenty of V-days and I can’t once recall an advert telling me how lame I was for it. You’ll have to show me where all of these ads are otherwise I’m gonna have to call bullshit. Valentine’s day can just as easily be a day to dote on your mom, or your sister, or your kids, or a good friend. I don’t think there’s a rule anywhere that states that it’s strictly for people in intimate relationships.
I got some cheap flowers, a piece of cake, watched a crappy horror movie, and played D&D as my Valentine’s gift and I couldn’t have been happier with it. ^_^
If you hate Valentine’s day, for whatever reason, that’s no excuse to insult it or be a debbie downer to the people who DO like it. You don’t run around on Christmas telling all five year olds that Santa isn’t real. It’s just not cool. “Stu’fu” already and focus your attention on something else during V-day then!
February 15th, 2009 at 6:41 am
I used to hate Valentine’s Day because I felt like such a fucking loser for being single. If I was in a relationship, it usually sucked, and the pressure of the day made it suck a little harder.
Now I’m in a long-term relationship, and making too big a deal out of the day feels like we have something to prove. It’s like “look, we’re being romantic! We’re in love! TOTALLY happy! Nope, no unresolved erectile dysfunction or daddy issues here! Hell, no, everything is cool, and to prove it, I’m gonna buy my lady some damn Godiva! Woooo, love!”
I won’t say I don’t appreciate getting to do fun stuff with my boyfriend; he took me to the shooting range for the first time last night and it was pretty fantastic. I still feel badly for the general populace though; I see a lot more people depressed or disappointed by the day than I do who are pleased with it. And most of those people are high school girls.
February 15th, 2009 at 4:54 am
He is so handsome, just the type I am interested in, I hope I can find such a man on the high quality wealthy romance site “millionaireloves.com”.
February 15th, 2009 at 3:31 am
As a female, I have to say that, honestly, quite a few of us are thinking the same thing. My boyfriend had to work late so we had our Valentine’s Day fun last night. I was excited all week for it because the thoughts “good food and good sex, yes!” kept running through my mind, not to mention that it’s with someone that I truly care about and love to be with. And you know what? When he got home from work, more holiday boning ensued.
I like Valentine’s Day because it reminds us to remind the people that we love of the fact that we love them. What is wrong with that? Sometimes affection gets left behind in the bustle of life–why not take a minute to find it again?
February 15th, 2009 at 12:22 am
Eh, fuck Valentines day. March 14 is Steak and Blowjob day! No guesswork, no crowds, no expensive gifts. The perfect holiday!
February 14th, 2009 at 9:33 pm
JdG, you’re totally thinking about this the wrong way. Valentine’s Day is a day where we’re supposed to do something special for someone we love, right? That means that we’re pretty much in the clear for the rest of the year. We have to remember Christmas, Birthday, Anniversary, and Valentine’s. That’s it. I’d rather have just four designated “get my lady a present for some special boning” days instead of “I’ve got to buy her presents all the damn time or she’ll think I’m cheating on her.”
February 14th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
The day after valentines day is even better than v-day it’s self, though. All that chocolate gets marked off at ridiculous prices. You can buy it for yourself, eat it by yourself, and not have somebody expecting a good fuckin’ afterward. lol
February 14th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
Omfg DOB you are a prophet of the sorts! Today I ate candy and boned
February 14th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
The thing is that it is somehow ingrained in the female mind that the holiday “means something” as in: “the bf HAS to give me chocolate tonight or I don’t matter to him” so the almost “requiremnte” of the present on the holiday is pretty fucking annoying and that’s why us cool artsy people hate it.
If I like/love my girl I don’t need a date forcing me to give her a present ( just like with mothers/fathers day ) and then if I don’t for whatever reason get punished, it’s all bogus. But at the end it doesn’t really hurt anyone and I guess it helps the economy so it’s not like we cool artsy people boicot it. Or do we? I don’t know I haven’t been to a union meeting in ages.
February 14th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
My dislike of Valentines has nothing to do with the commercialism or made-up-ness of it, and everything to do with it being the most miserable day of the year to be single. You’re bombarded for a month+ with how awesome love is and all that, and it just grates on my nerves. I know I’m single, I don’t need everything around me telling me what a loser I am.
Chocolate + Boning = good, making a decent percentage of the population feel like unloved losers not so much.
/bitter rant
February 14th, 2009 at 6:53 pm
“eating candy and fucking” - that’s exactly how i spent this valentines day! I must say-i also love this holiday!
February 14th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
I used to find singledom mildly depressing on Valentine’s Day. Now I’m ecstatic because I know my chances of getting laid the rest of the year don’t hinge on whether or not I score reservations at the right restaurant.
Have fun stressing all day about making everything perfect in the hopes of getting a half-assed blowjob tonight, suckers!
February 14th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
Well, Valentines Day has a long tradition. We may not know when it first started, but Geoffrey Chaucer wrote the love poem back in the 1300’s.
The Duke of Orleans wrote his wife a “valentines” poem while being held prisoner following the Battle of Agincourt, circa 1400.
I say anything with a clear history of 800 years or so can stand on its own merits.
What’s wrong with a holiday celebrating sex? Although, I didn’t give my wife chocolate for valentine’s day, I got her a 20oz thick cut t-bone steak.
but then, I’m from Texas. And a good steak beats the hell outta chocolate any day.
February 14th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
Great post, i totally agree with you on pretty everything you stated.
February 14th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
the difference between me and the herd- not feeling COMPELLED to spend money. There are some women who will be upset with their man if he doesn’t show love with gifts, and some men who think the gifts are a way to show love.
That, I feel, separates me from the rest who KNOW it’s commercialized but are being pushed right along…
February 14th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
I can’t decide what amuses me more, this entertaining post, or the adoring adulation from the peanut gallery. If ever an internet post could get someone “porked”, this just might be it. Thanks for cheering up my day.
February 14th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
Lol, great little article.
I love V-Day! Not b/c I’m a girl or anything, but b/c of the candy! Yay chocolate!
February 14th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
@The Elusive Robert Denby:
“I will reupholster my furniture with your fucking skin” is the awesomest threat I have heard in a long time. I may ask to borrow it (especially since my armchair has been looking a little ratty lately).
Happy Valentine’s Day, DOB! (And all the rest of you who are cool with it. Me, I prefer the Jewish version in the summer.)
February 14th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
I used to be so cool and tragically brilliant too… until I got laid.
February 14th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
Oh yeah, I guess I forgot this part: Happy Valentine’s Day, everybody. You can’t pork me and I won’t give you my phone number, but feel free to use me as a reference if anyone asks who your Valentine was today.
February 14th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Fuck your Valentine’s Day. It’s Columbus Day that ticks me off. Did you know Columbus didn’t discover the US? No! The Pilgrims on the Mayflower were the first Europeans to come to the US!
Man, fuck Columbus Day. I refuse to celebrate it. THAT’S how cool I am.
February 14th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
Love the article…but I still have a sore spot for Valentine’s day…it’s my fault really…set myself up for disappointment every damn time (hubby’s not the umm..romantic type) but eh I’m getting much better at coping
This year I don’t even care….go me?
Anyway…good article, happy Valentine’s day to everyone and hopefully you fine someone incredibly hot to f*ck today
February 14th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
The really cool people hate Arbor Day…
February 14th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
You know what!? I’m with you, DOB!!!! I LOVE VALENTINE’S DAY, TOO!!!!
Now, if only I could get some chocolate and find a woman to have sex with.
February 14th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
I love you. and Valentines day. yay
February 14th, 2009 at 11:40 am
valentines day suck i hate hate hate hate
February 14th, 2009 at 10:47 am
You replaced my painful coolness with a very painful erection. I’m kind of happy, i guess, but please, for the love of god, send me photos of yourself in a black thong swimming in a vat of chocolate with at least three of the Power Rangers (two if one of them is the red one).
It’s medicinal.
February 14th, 2009 at 10:27 am
couldn’t agree more (even though I’m single). Its a really nice excuse to tell someone you love (or just really want to have sex with) how great they are and make them feel special
I@m suer there’s dicks in the comments below who say “yeah, you could do that every day!” but its not quite the same is it? you could say the same about buying someone a present.
“Oh, birthdays are just something the toy companies thought up so you’d buy your kid an Xbox”
February 14th, 2009 at 10:25 am
I’m gladly single.
Of course, I’ve enough on my plate raising 2 kids and working full-time. Just thinking about having another person to take care of is exhausting. So I guess, for me anyway, the Energizer Bunny is the perfect boyfriend.
Well I’m off to the store to buy myself a lovely bouquet and some dark chocolate for dipping the strawberries later.
HAPPY ST. VALENTINE’S DAY EVERYONE!
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO(hugs all around)
February 14th, 2009 at 10:07 am
THAT DAN OBRIEN GUY THINKS HES PRETTY FUNNY WITH THOSE WORDS AND SHIT, HOW FUNNY WOULD HE BE MAN TO MAN WITH A BASEBALL BAT NOT VERY FUNNY I BET FUCKIN COWARD GOT NO BALLS LIKE EVERY OTHER IRISHMAN KISS MY AMERICAN ASS GO MARRY A COMEDIAN OBRIEN YOU JOKE LOSER SURRENDER PUSY
February 14th, 2009 at 9:34 am
@Pamcakes: Your dating a homo. Any guy that would rather buy his girlfriend flowers than take her to see Underworld 3 has no other defense than homosexuality… not there’s anything wrong with it.
February 14th, 2009 at 9:26 am
I’m not against any one else celebrating V.D., but I’ll be damned if anyone’s gonna tell me when to love and cherish my wife. Also, it’s been my experience that the couple’s who are most into V.D. are the one’s with the crappiest relationships. It’s like they get a day to ignore the fact that they can barely stand each other’s company the rest of the year. Plus, I eat a lot of chocolate all the time.
February 14th, 2009 at 9:00 am
Christmas had a clear meaning that’s been exploited?
How can you exploit “woman lies about being virgin and is understandably refused entry to inn for very real danger of being seriously delusional?”
February 14th, 2009 at 8:52 am
Good argument. I switched sides on the whole V-Day argument ’cause of this.
February 14th, 2009 at 8:22 am
My coolness stings a bit now and then but I wouldn’t call it painful.
February 14th, 2009 at 7:27 am
nice cards man.
also, candy and boning is hard to argue with.
you destroyed my painful coolness.
February 14th, 2009 at 7:00 am
I like Valentines day because the day after it ends I can buy a bunch of incredibly cheap candy. Mmm…
If consumerism and watching other people have fun makes you unhappy, whatever, that’s your deal, but how can you not appreciate the prospect of cheap candy? Or, at least, the prospect of me thoroughly enjoying it?
Plus, people usually get me cute things, and I adore cute things!
February 14th, 2009 at 4:40 am
I only use the consumerism/made up holiday excuse when I don’t have someone to bone. Otherwise, bring on the filthy, sticky excess!
February 14th, 2009 at 4:21 am
After the honest card thread, I told myself I was at least immune to anymore Valentine’s Day anal sex jokes. But damn you, you got me.
Nice article.
February 14th, 2009 at 4:14 am
I dislike Valentine’s Day because it’s the day after my birthday and insists on stealing my thunder every damn year.
I will forgive it when somebody actually uses the Valentine’s Day sales to buy me lots of wonderful jewelery/flowers/other Valentine’s Day related products for my birthday but that is yet to happen.
@Panzer-Stier Ross
The way your mind must work to make you think of hemorrhoids disturbs me on more levels than you can even begin to imagine.
February 14th, 2009 at 2:29 am
You know what I fucking love, DOB? I fucking love you. Yes, you. You are wonderful. Just thought I should let you know. Happy Eat Candy and Get Laid Day.
February 14th, 2009 at 12:58 am
[...] Like my plans for the past twenty Valentine’s Days. And in fact, speaking of, I forgot one: this article from Cracked. (Normally I hate on V-Day, but Dan O’Brien makes a good [...]
February 14th, 2009 at 12:14 am
Pamcakes: It’s because that shit is inherently confusing. See, half the time when a woman says “Oh, don’t get me flowers or anything!” it really means “Don’t get me flowers.” But the other half of the time it means “I don’t want to seem shallow and cheesy around Valentine’s (but honestly I’m gonna be super hurt and pissed off if you don’t give me flowers).” Either way, there’s a possibility of doom if you make the wrong choice (and by doom I mean no boning).
February 14th, 2009 at 12:06 am
But I specifically said, ‘Save that cash, and let’s see Underworld 3 instead’.
Not a whole lot of room for confusion there.
Men are so complex.
Thank you, anyway, Lurpy.
P.
February 14th, 2009 at 12:06 am
Okay, here’s one for Dan and the male readers; I told my partner of five years that while I adore flowers, with cash as tight as it is right now I’d prefer it if, had he been planning to get me a bouquet in honour of the day (which he then admitted he had), he keep that cash aside so that we can instead see a specific movie we’ve both been hanging out for, and thus do something we’ll *both* enjoy.
Yeah, long sentence, I know.
Anyway, he got upset! I don’t get it.
Any thoughts or insight to help a confused femme understand the workings of the inner man?
P.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:25 pm
Ah, fuck you.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
I like it cuz I slaughter bitches.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:40 pm
I’ve always loved consumerism. It rules. Its why I can choose between eight different types of asparagus at my super market. And becuase everyone knows I love consumerism, it is far easier for me to complain about being alone, getting drunk and sobbing into my pillow and having to routinely grab the nearest person, shake them hard and cry ‘Why does no one love me?’ or my personal favourite ‘Oh, god, I’m so desperatly lonely!’
February 13th, 2009 at 10:27 pm
ahh! ahh! aaa, DOB, you-you didnt make fun of Jack- or even make a nickname for him- at all in this article. . . I’m scared…. and a little confused.
Also way to go stealing my name, SO-CALLED-ARIEL……. bitch
February 13th, 2009 at 10:10 pm
I am printing all of these Valentines and giving them to my wife for the next several years.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:08 pm
I never hated V Day, I normally completely ignore it ’til it goes away.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:06 pm
Because on a day devoted to love and fucking, they will be alone, getting drunk and sobbing into their pillows. It’s easier to complain about the evils of consumerism than it is to grab the nearest person, shake them hard and cry, “Why does no one love me?!”
Not that I would know anything about this, of course. I’m so awesome that men fight to the death for the chance to stalk me.
February 13th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
I don’t really have a problem with Valentine’s Day. I never did, even when I was single. I’d just give some little cards to my friends and wish them a happy day and eat chocolate and cinnamon hearts and have a good time. Why gripe about it? There’s no sense in getting angry about the fact that you could express your love for someone any other day of the year, either. Why would you? If you know you love someone and they know it, too, then what’s the big problem with having a little fun on February 14th, taking a light-hearted break from the rest of the year, knowing lots of people out there are doing the same? It’s a holiday just for fun. Anyone who gets annoyed at it is taking it waaaaayyyy too seriously.
February 13th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
Who can hate Valentine’s Day when it’s their birthday? Not me! Bring on the parties!
February 13th, 2009 at 9:15 pm
I hate Valentine’s Day because it’s yet another case of forced merrymaking. Who the fuck is hallmark to say that I can’t express my love on, say, July 27th and spend February 14th bitterly drinking gin straight out of the bottle alone in my apartment?
February 13th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
I agree with Caden. Thanks for changing my viewpoint Dan. Bring on the chocolates and boning!
February 13th, 2009 at 8:57 pm
I don’t HATE Valentines day, I just think it’s silly. Guys take so much shit if they ‘forget it’ or don’t get a card or the right chocolates for their girlfriend. It’s really just another day of the year, you shouldn’t need a special day to tell someone you love them if you really do.
As a woman (single) I really could care less, it IS really commercialised but it’s also just another reason for stupid anal women to get mad at their boyfriends. Let’s just fuck and call it a day.
Also working across from a Hallmark and having to look at stupid pink and red stuff lions all day, and cards so sparkly they almost cause seizures is pretty fucking annoying year after year! Why pink and red?! They don’t even MATCH!! Any other day of the year no sane person would ever put pink and red near each other. So yeah, valentines day is stupid for many reasons.
February 13th, 2009 at 8:56 pm
I didn’t like Valentines day because we never got off of school for it. President’s Day is the real February holiday.
February 13th, 2009 at 8:27 pm
Amen, DOB, amen
February 13th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
I don’t hate Valentine’s because it is a consumism whore of holyday, that is like hating paper for destroying the rain forest.
I just don’t like it because I’m alone. It’s a fucking boring day when you don’t have anyone to share it with.
February 13th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Admittedly, I’ve hated Valentine’s in the past because I have been a single, lonely prick for most of my 20 years. But whenever I’m dating someone around this time, we actually have fun exchanging the extra gifts and affection simply ’cause fuck it’. Those who bitch about this holiday being a one-sided affair, like most media would have you believe, seriously need to better their taste in mates or have a bloody coke and shut the fuck up.
Good post Dan Dan.
February 13th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
Valentines day is hardly even a blip on the raydar for me and james. i like to bake on holidays… so that gives me an excuse to bake something i guess.
This year its going to be a Giant cock shaped cookie full of M&Ms
February 13th, 2009 at 7:40 pm
or the people we hate.
February 13th, 2009 at 7:40 pm
I hate Valentine’s Day because it just gives people who are together a reason to rub their happiness in the faces of all the single people in the world. People are expected to be romantic and buy people things. Why should everybody have to be romantic or sweet on only one specific day? It’s not a holiday for everbody. It’s only for the people that are happily with someone. I suggest that we have Opposite Day on Valentine’s Day, so instead of showing affection, we all beat the everloving shit out of the people we love.
February 13th, 2009 at 7:29 pm
I’m going to reiterate the point I made on some other article here. Valentine’s Day is all about giving women what they want, right? Because it’s romantic? I totally understand that. Hell, if a woman said to me, “I am going to go totally out of my way to make you happy, bring you food and do everything you want and shower you with gifts that you really want and that cost more than I spend on feeding myself in a whole year”, then I would be flattered. But guess what! There’s no day for that. Women have a Get Your Way Or Your Significant Other Is Officially Scum Day, but men don’t get anything like that. Ever. Why not?
February 13th, 2009 at 7:12 pm
I only hate it because it destroys the environment: http://www.guardian.co.uk/environment/interactive/2009/feb/11/green-valentines-day-gifts-environmental-impact
Suck it, O’Brien!
February 13th, 2009 at 7:11 pm
Oughttobenought nailed my point. I offer my lady roses once in a while. I bring her a chocolate or a random flower I picked in a garden that looked nice on my way to her place ( yes, every time I didn’t woke up next to her that day ), and we have sex every day I see her ( twice a week at least for the last 4 years ). I didn’t state the above to brag, I did it to state that Valentine is fucking pointless when it can be Valentine every day. Christmas on the other hand, has a reason to be once a year. You want to get annoyed by relatives every day? Yes, that’s why it has a fine place in our calendar, once a year.
February 13th, 2009 at 6:44 pm
I didn’t pay much attention to the article… I was too distracted by the images ;p
February 13th, 2009 at 6:44 pm
you just obliterated my coolness and inverted my viewpoint. I’m spending tomorrow eating chocolates, and getting it on.
February 13th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
“There need to be a festival for lonely people, an eight day long festival, that involves fire and things that spin. ”
Regardless of whether you’re single, taken, hate Valentine’s Day, love it, are indifferent . . .
This is a great fucking idea. Hell, any festival that involves fire, venting (for any reason) and things that spin for eight days is a great idea.
February 13th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
Oughttobenought-
I agree…except I’d replace the candy with like…well, something more delicious. once randomly I got my man a case of skittles. I know…that is still candy….but that sh*t is good.
February 13th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
D.O.B. you’re great, you truly are. But instead of writing articles for Cracked you should be whipping up another fucking brilliant cock blowingly fantastic book like Bartender. I need it. I need it bad. GIMME MORE OF YOUR EPIC LOLZ!
February 13th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
Heard an ‘ahem’ lady say today to a friend. Oh I’m not getting him anything. I’m just gonna give him all the p*ssy he wants. Now that’s my kinda thinking. Happy Valentine’s Day indeed.
February 13th, 2009 at 6:00 pm
Jesus, you can’t even give the miserable fucks the right to be miserable?
February 13th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
Oh, and goatse, you should start St. Rafael’s Day (the saint you pray to in order to find someone) for the lonely folks.
February 13th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
Valentine’s day is stupid because people want you to do stuff for them. Also, why not have candy and sex every day?
February 13th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
Sylocat, you have obviously never been in a real relationship and are just extrapolating based on what you’ve seen on television.
I love House, but why did he have to inspire a million wannabe cynics? (And popularize the t-shirt and blazer combo?)
February 13th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
nomnomnom
You just made me spit my drink out! I have to quote that
February 13th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
Here’s to you DOB……
Also chocolate, getting boned and eating chocolate while getting boned! I nominate you to be the next president of the USA!
February 13th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
this time I liked your article (I still think you are a pervert and that Swaim it’s much more hot than you but…) =D
Happy Valentine’s Day DOB!!!
February 13th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
ah well i tried to forget about this valentine day shit, but in the end, my girlfriend caught up that the 14th was coming, so in the end it will cost me an elaborate meal, some alchool and fucking all night with my girlfriend ,who happen to be an ex model.
Sigh…. seriously, anyone want my place?
February 13th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
the only other created holiday that can compare is march 14. Steak and BJ day. ive heard it mentioned on three different occasions now and thats enough for me to declare it a real holiday, take a day off and celebrate.
February 13th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
Oh, and Klavier:
While calling it Sex Day is more succinct and noble in its honesty, it doesn’t convey the same flair, the same flash and dazzle. And by “flair”, “flash and dazzle”, I of course mean the roaring thunderous explosions of “love”. And for some of us that “love” does last forever…my sweaty, throbbing, adamantine, pulsating, cyclopean, jackhammering-to-the-molten-core-of-your-ovaEarth love. In nerd speak they call this “owning a cervical Grond”.
February 13th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
that last picture got me when i scrolled down… nice one!
valentines day is my 3rd favorite holiday for the massive candy sales afterwards. it will never beat halloween, though.
February 13th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
“I’m going to destroy you tonight”
LMAO
February 13th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
While my revulsion at the slavish adoration around you will inevitably propel me to rise as your nemesis, DOB, you should know every word of this was 100% excellent. Seriously, great job.
You’re still a filthy leprechaun though.
February 13th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
Thank you Dan
February 13th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
I hat valentines day for the same reason that jews hate Christmas, except they still have hannukah and new years to look forward to. What do i got? There need to be a festival for lonely people, an eight day long festival, that involves fire and things that spin.
In fact, i think that it is VERY offensie that public building can put up valentines day decorations, but not some sort of thing for lonely people! If the jews get their hannukah displays then wheres my lonely person display?
February 13th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
then why not just call it sex day?, why hide behind this “oh, our love will last forever, and here’s this 4 dollar balloon as proof”
February 13th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
cynical about the cynics, hating on the haters. it’s very clever.
February 13th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
“What’s wrong with a holiday about eating candy and fucking?”
–Excellent.
February 13th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
So Dan,….. first Valentines Day with a girlfriend huh? and second grade don’t count, everybody got valentines, but I guess you didn’t notice.
And @Panzer-Stier Ross
“The last one is appropriately disturbing because the rose petals kinda look like hemorrhoids.
Umm, am I the only one? Really? Oh well……”
Yes, you absolutely the only person in the entire fucking world that thought this.
Everyone else thought ” Hey Dan’s talking about butt fucking” and you think ” Hey that makes me think of an inflamed blood vessel in my ass.”. Good god damn.
February 13th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
@Pyx
HOLY SHIT YES!!
Best holiday ever is Candy Boxing Day - two to three days after any major holiday in which heaping piles of candy was the only inventory in any store.
February 13th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
@Sylocat
February 13th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
well said.
February 13th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
“It’s a celebration of prostitution.”
You say it like it’s a bad thing :p
February 13th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
The reason I hate Valentine’s day isn’t JUST that it’s a celebration of consumerism, it’s also a celebration of attaching material price tags onto relationships. “If you don’t get her chocolate on this completely random, arbitrary holiday, you don’t REALLY love her. Oh, and be sure and get the most expensive ones, lest she think you’re a cheapskate. And as for you, girl, if you don’t put out after he buys you chocolates, you don’t REALLY appreciate his spending money on you. You parasite!”
It’s a celebration of prostitution.
February 13th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
it’s not so much the loss of meaning of a holiday, or even the commercialism that gets me. what gets me pissed off about valentines day is that peoplel feel like they need to show how much they love someone…just on that day. why not everyday of the year? everyday is just as important as the next so tell the person you love that you love them, whether it’s a ‘holiday’ or not.
February 13th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
I always loved Valentine’s Day. At work a few years ago, the HR department made these Valentine’s mailboxes and left them around so we could leave messages to be printed in the company newsletter. I came in real early and hid them all. Then I took the little candy hearts, got a felt pen and wrote stuff like “FUCK YOU,” “UP YOURS” “BITE ME,” and “U STINK.” I’m not bitter about anything, though.
February 13th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
I love that last card so much I’m gonna give it to the first person with boobs I see tomorrow. (hopefully they’ll be female)
February 13th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
Also, I most bring up the idea of edible bacon-underwear. If I can figure out how to bond it together and leave it edible and delicious, I think I’ll be rich
February 13th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
I hate Valentines day, and I’ve been taken for the last 5, so it’s not because I’m single. I just really, really hate it for some reason… maybe because I hate chocolate and everything else seems so corny? I ask my boyfriend to not get me anything, and I meant it lol… I don’t do that thing where I ask him not to get me anything and then got mad when he didn’t. I don’t hate other people for liking it or hate the consumerism of it or anything, just something about it makes me irritated lol.
February 13th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
I just dislike Valentines for the same reason that I dislike Christmas. If I buy someone a gift then it’s because I saw something that I thought that they would love, not because there is one day where you are obligated to give people gifts.
The trick is to just get your significant other little (or big, if you are so inclined) tokens when you are thinking about how much you like them and feel that they would appreciate a gift.
I just don’t celebrate Valentines or S&Bj Day because we have those days all the damn time.
And three days after VDay you can buy 70% off chocolate!
February 13th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Sam- As a chick I must speak up. I don’t actually KNOW any chicks that like this holiday…there are too many expectations. I don’t like nor dislike it…it, like most holidays, is just like any other day.
This steak and blow job day you speak of…I think I can get in on that. That’s why I like men. They are easy to please. Also the cock.
February 13th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
You’re handsome.
February 13th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
First of all, most guys are lazy whiny bitches. That’s why they don’t like Valentines day. Any holiday where you have to get up off your ass and do anything is generally abhorred by the majority of steak eating, blow-job loving men. It is also generally abhorred by people who can’t get their shit together long enough to keep a mate until Valentines, and ugly people.
Also of minor note, Oregon’s official statehood day is Feb. 14, and the message reached Oregon on Mar. 17. If that’s not a reason to eat chocolate and drink a bottle or two of whiskey, I don’t know what is.
February 13th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
The last one is appropriately disturbing because the rose petals kinda look like hemorrhoids.
Umm, am I the only one? Really? Oh well……
February 13th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
hell yeah, dan, that straw man went down like a drunken three-year-old. in the event that anyone in the entire past, present, or future of the human race– besides the pope– ever complains that nobody goes to church on valentines day anymore, you will totally have a comeback ready.
February 13th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
Thanks for the free cards DOB! You saved me from hallmark.com.
And as always…
Suck it.
February 13th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
Guys do not like valentines day because its all squishy and romantic. Valentines day is very much one for the girls.
Which is why i am a big fan of the male equivelent. Steak and Blowjob day. No presents no sweet nothings whispered in the ear just a steak and my junk in your mouth.
Except i am single currently so feel like a lepper today.
February 13th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Seriously, guys of all people should totally be behind Valentine’s Day. Any other day of the year, if you surprise your girl with flowers and/or candy, the first thing she’ll think is “he’s cheating on me”. But Valentine’s Day, you could be cheating on her, but if you bring her flowers, cards, candy, or a mix thereof, you get laid and no suspicion at all!
Only single women should ever be bitter about Valentine’s Day.
February 13th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
I can’t make delicious bacon, but Dan, you’re incredibly handsome.
February 13th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
I hate the holiday because I’ve been single for 5 years and get all depressed and sad and lonely and horny. I have no problem with other people liking it tho.
February 13th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
I happen to agree wholeheartedly. Generally, the people who bitch about the commercialization of Valentine’s Day are the same people who complain about how corporate Christmas until December actually rolls around. Usually, they would not complain, but a lot of the people who bitch about it are SINGLE, hence the overwhelming distaste for anything that reminds them that this is true.
February 13th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
hey, in all honesty. most of my gender (male) is totally with you. We also hate when women withhold sex to get what they want.
February 13th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Buy me shit and I’ll put out
—
Forgive my feminist rant, but this part of haiku that Katie posted demostrates the reason that I hate the holiday. I hate the mentality that a woman will only put out if she is given something. I don’t blame the men for giving in, because, well, it works. I am pissed that most of my gender witholds sex to get what they want.
I can not tell you how many of my male co-workers love the holiday “because it’s the one day they’re gaurenteed to get laid”. I have actually heard one co-worker’s wife say “I’ve been dropping hints for months about wanting some new earrings. I didn’t get them for my birthday or Christmas. If he wants laid, I better get them for Valentine’s Day”.
She didn’t think it was funny when I told her that if she wanted them so badly to go buy them herself…..
February 13th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
Wow, Micktrex. You…uh…came up with that all on your own or did you read the article?
February 13th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
I want to make beautiful butt music with you, DOB.
February 13th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
I have my own personal tradition on Valentines. Every Valentine’s Day, I celebrate my love for myself. After all, no one will ever know me or care about me more than me. I love the holiday because it’s my personal day to go off and buy a bunch of crap for myself and do the things that I love to do. For all the perpetually-single people like me, I highly reccomend doing this, rather than sitting at home feeling sorry for yourself.
February 13th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Hey Dan, you look quite different with long hair and sunglasses. I assume that is you in the first picture.
February 13th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
I’m single but I don’t see the harm in the holiday. If you think the whole deal is all about big corporations making extra money then you obviously are a lazy, simpleton who doesn’t have a speck of creativity inside yourself. V day gives someone the opportunity to spoil someone rotten with gifts, food, sex or anything they can think of. Make it special and original don’t focus on: candy+flowers = blowjob(love)
February 13th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
If I had delicious bacon that told me I was handsome, I would totally destroy it in the butt.
February 13th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
I care about you Robert Denby.
February 13th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
I loved this article Dan. Will you be my Valentine?
February 13th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
“i am going to DESTROY you tonight…”
promise?
February 13th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
The reason we have a problem with that is unbelievably simple; we don’t get to do any of that stuff. We’re part of America’s unofficial caste system called “losers:” Of the sort of pathetic wretches who could die tomorrow and only the landlord would ever know.
Me, I just ignore the goddamn day until it goes away, but it’s taken me a very long time to reach that point and not many of the afflicted have gotten there for themselves. But mark my words, you happy people who are loved and cared about: if you don’t honor that and leave me be, if you dare get in my face and try to make me feel abnormal, or worse, insinuate that I’m alone by choice, and I will reupholster my furniture with your fucking skin. And since no one knows or cares about me, I will get away with.
Don’t screw with us singles, just screw each other; you HAVE that option.
February 13th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
Valentines Day
A Haiku
Hey, you! With the wang!
Buy me shit and I’ll put out
I’m for serious.
February 13th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
Perfect.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:53 am
agreed on that DOB
the people who bitch are the ones that can’t get no pussy.
give chocolate and get some poontang. it’s ok i usually don’t need chocolate but it does make it special.
“roses are red, violets are not, i just gave u a diamond, now take it up the butt”
February 13th, 2009 at 11:28 am
The only people that do the bitching are the cheap and the agonizingly single. Tadaa.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:28 am
I just wish I had someone to spend it with insead of being the weird ‘third wheal’ with all my chums. Last year was alkword, exspeshil near the end of the night…..
February 13th, 2009 at 11:20 am
[...] I fount this one here (clickety click) [...]
February 13th, 2009 at 11:07 am
Valentine is the one from the Shakespeare play… that bitched and moaned about having to move away from his girlfriend, then immediately tried to bone his best friend’s girlfriend instead. When that didn’t work, he had his best friend exiled…oh, shit, no, that was the other one. Valentine was the best friend that got exiled. Yeah.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:07 am
DOB looks like Tim from the british office, HAHAHAHAHAH
February 13th, 2009 at 10:58 am
There’s a couple things here I don’t really want to think about, like who (or what) Swaim is touching, and something about pagans boning dead Christians, but aside from that it was a damned good article.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:51 am
I have to say, he has a point. I still think its goofy.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:49 am
Chili’s, table for one.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:45 am
“My big issue with Valentine’s day is that for some reason I HAVE to participate or I get labeled as a too cool for school know-it-all grinch. Quite frankly, I just feel like this kind of thing is more meaningful if done at random, throughout the year. Where’s the romanticism in a cheaply made “I Wuv You” mammal that is distributed by EVERY GODDAMN person on the same day?”
Now THAT’S a good reason to hate this damn holiday!
February 13th, 2009 at 10:31 am
i love valentines day because i love those candy hearts that every one else hates. if you get any of those, you know where to send them. i also love candy corn.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:25 am
How could you hate on New Years? I see nothing wrong with a free pass to get shit-faced. Maybe it’s just me.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:22 am
i love valentines day too, every year i jump into cape cod bay on valentines day, it is great cause after that i give who ever i am trying to bang choclates and flowers and they warm up my shriveled salty gential, what is not to love
February 13th, 2009 at 10:12 am
as a single person, i just wanted to say:
shut the fuck up all you bitter single assholes. ‘oh boo hoo, valentines day forces what us miserable single people don’t have in our face’. shut up. just shut up. if you don’t have anyone to celebrate (mash together sex organs for two minutes) with then it’s just, what, saturday this year. and that’s pretty awesome, because it’s been scientifically proven that saturday is the best day to get hammered drunk.
if no one’s cho-cho-chosen you, and you’re damn bitter about being alone on valentine’s day, fear not:
ladies, just go to a bar. there you will find even more guys looking to get you drunk and take advantage of your unconscious and pliable body than usual. just look for the popped collars or follow the scent of axe.
gentlemen, read the above, bathe in axe, pop that collar, and go get yourself a drunken hussy.
but mostly, just shut up complaining about how unfair it is that you’re alone. because unless you look like the elephant man it’s probably by choice. if you actually thought about it.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:06 am
Single people hate valentines day, and why shouldn’t they?
February 13th, 2009 at 9:59 am
the real holiday to hate on is new years.
maybe halloween too if you’re kind of sour.
February 13th, 2009 at 9:57 am
Lordy, do I love me some Butt-Music.
February 13th, 2009 at 9:37 am
Well played Dan - may I call you Dan? - I enjoyed all the sexy talk. As my husband will likely read this (our bond of love is strengthened by our shared enjoyment of you), I am going to highjack this thread:
Mike, you are the coolest, and every day I’m happy that neither of us died (for good). I’ll be seeing you…
(in the bedroom)
February 13th, 2009 at 9:28 am
Valentine’s Day is a corporate sham?? CIGARETTES ARE DANGEROUS????? HAS SOMEONE WARNED THE PRESIDENT!!????
February 13th, 2009 at 9:22 am
ahaha, I love how every couple of sentances bring in another word for sex. Great article.
February 13th, 2009 at 9:10 am
VKfG has a point, I think. Valentine’s Day has evolved into a pseudo-religious holiday in that in that the society at large will expect you to participate even if the day means nothing to YOU, just because it means something to THEM. If you’re not making a conscious effort toward furthering the day’s agenda (candies, fucking, etc.), you’ll suffer the stigma of an outcast. People take offense if you’re not overjoyed to receive a bunch of chocolates you didn’t want in the first place, and not giving any in return? What a killjoy, right? Same goes for Halloween and a lot of other holidays that are just “good, clean fun”. If you’re not interested, there’s obviously something wrong with you.
February 13th, 2009 at 9:01 am
THANK YOU DOB! You hit the nail on the head
Another great article!
February 13th, 2009 at 8:59 am
What the hell do you mean, “nothing sacred is being tarnished”? How about the concept of love?! This holiday is kitsch at it’s finest. Valentine’s Day represents an amalgam of all the superficial and pathetic symbols that people associate with love: roses, cupids, candy and other such petty bullshit.
Valentine’s isn’t really about true love, that powerful force that makes the world go round. Not because it’s an evil capitalist holiday like the bitter loners say, but because there is no ritual or tradition that can truly express that kind of emotion.
Thus, while Valentine’s does have “nice intentions”, it only cheapens the idea of love. Not to mention that it turns people into idiots. Oh and I aint talking about the sappy adorable couples that bounce about in parks and malls. I am talking about the cynical people that smirk at the idea of love because they confuse it with Valentine’s stupid set of symbols. I’m alose talking about you lonely, desperate people who would hook up with just about anyone, not because you love them but because you hate the peer pressure.
February 13th, 2009 at 8:57 am
I don’t have a problem with the cards, chocolate, and anal. I have a problem with expectations that my wife has, like I’m supposed to be romantic because it’s fucking Valentine’s Day. Fuck you, shut up and eat your sloppy joe and like it. You’re lucky I let you out of the closet to honor Saint Valentino.
February 13th, 2009 at 8:56 am
Brilliant, DOB.
Frankly, I used to whine about how I had no one on Valentine’s Day, but you’ve painted this holiday in a whole new light.
Thanks for opening my eyes.
February 13th, 2009 at 8:53 am
Hmmm…one of my middle names is Valentine, i’ve researched it and just fyi he was a roman who sheltered christians from other romans who had lion throwing plans.
You may be right about there being lots of St Valentines but i went to catholic school from like…birth. They beat the saints into you. Literally.
As for the commercialisation of Valentines, who cares? You get a chance to tell someone you love that you love them, or even just to make a few people feel good about themselves by sending them an anonymous ’someone likes you’ card or boquet of flowers! Who doesn’t enjoy that! Plus its the only day a year Stalkers can fly their full colours and not get arrested!!
I say leave it be, there’s no formal/religious celebration set aside for it apart from a Mass IF you’re a catholic. And i mean like, a GOOD catholic.
Let everyone enjoy their flowers and chocolates and overuse of pink and red and overpriced cards, there’s no harm in it, its a holiday based on LOVE. Christian religions promote being loving as the way to live life. Ipso Facto, its in keeping with various christian traditions
Plus, this year i actually HAVE a Valentine, AND with it being one of my names its almost like its my birthday or something(send me gifts!), so dont crap on my day, bitches!!
February 13th, 2009 at 8:53 am
[...] http://www.cracked.com/blog/i-fucking-love-valentines-day/ [...]
February 13th, 2009 at 8:50 am
“Until someone creates delicious bacon that also tells me I’m handsome…”
Actually, Oscar Meyer Low Sodium bacon does just that and then some, but only if you cook it in the oven, not in the microwave.
February 13th, 2009 at 8:44 am
I’m just commenting to laugh at JMS’s comment: HAHA.
February 13th, 2009 at 8:36 am
I put a comment in yesterday’s photoshop segment, about how I was impressed that most all the submitters were able to look beyond the easy “I want to bang you” angle, and find other clever ways to do their fake Valentines cards.
Now, we these images. That basically send subtlety and cleverness a card promising anal rape, and then follow through on that promise.
Still funny, though…
February 13th, 2009 at 8:29 am
So hating a holiday makes me have delusions about being an artist? Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. I don’t hate the holiday because of the consumerism; frankly, it gives me an excuse to eat candy. I hate the holiday because of condescending pricks like you that make jokes at the expense of single people everywhere because you don’t seem to remember what it was like to be single. If you did, then you wouldn’t post such a heartless article.
February 13th, 2009 at 8:26 am
hahahahahah
look at how cool you are, you’re an artist
hahahahahah
brilliant!
February 13th, 2009 at 8:21 am
The first-ever mention of Valentine’s Day was in Chaucer’s Parliament of Fowls, in case anyone is wondering. This was at least 6 years before Hallmark stumbled on the scene with its “Sorry you came down with plague!” card/teddy bear combo.
February 13th, 2009 at 8:20 am
I agree with the Tommy The Brat. Hell im single this valentines and i tried to get myself a date (fail) but i dont even feel like somethings wrong if you cant get one. Its a saturday night, start of reading week (in T.o) and who wouldnt wanna be doing something new.
i think ppl internalize their hate for valentines and make it more about them then about others enjoying themselves. live and let live…and lets fuck.
February 13th, 2009 at 8:15 am
holy fuck! i never stop being impressed by you. this was fantastic.
…in the butt
February 13th, 2009 at 8:05 am
You tell em DOB!
I might be getting my girl fuck all but there’s a good chance I’ll score anyway. She’s cool like that.
February 13th, 2009 at 7:58 am
The best reason to hate Valentine’s Day: single girls. They’re all, “I wish I had a Valentine. Non-single girls are so lucky to have Valentine’s.” Then when you’re all, “I have your solution. Let’s bone!” they say no.
Valentine’s Day should be the one day where every lonely person should be able to go into a bar and bone a complete stranger to relieve the depression. Of both parties! Perfect solution, because you’re taking away your own misery selfishly, and selflessly replacing another’s misery with disappointment, dissatisfaction and apologies. But noooo, it doesn’t work that way. Stupid rejection.
Or maybe it’s my fault because “Let’s make beautiful music… in the butt” is my opening line.
February 13th, 2009 at 7:33 am
DOB says what we should be thinking.
February 13th, 2009 at 7:33 am
I”m a lonely bastard, so every Valentine’s Day I just end up swimming in my own self-pity. Sometimes I just go out to the mall and glare at the couples, simply by principle.
This also applies if I actually have a girlfriend at the time. No real reason for that part, it’s just the kind of thing you let go on so long that by now it’s less for the actual reason and more just for the sake of it.
February 13th, 2009 at 7:27 am
Meh, those single people who don’t have someone on Valentine’s day should have fucking prepared by hooking up with someone if it bothers them so much. I bet those bastards forget to get people presents on Christmas too.
February 13th, 2009 at 7:15 am
Because single people have to watch non-single people be all happy and be reminded of what they don’t have and (most times) of what they used to have. It’s like inviting starving people from Africa to an all-you-can-eat buffet and making them watch. “Valentine’s Day is just a commercialized holiday!” is many times, in my opinion, just code for, “dammit, no one to love/bone/donkey punch this year!”
Anyway, I was happy when the anal sex card was finally put in . . . I was just waiting for that.
And yes, fuck Arbor Day. Fucking trees. (Is that what that’s about? Too lazy to Wiki it.)
I also nominate Glendoor to be the new Wikipedia.
February 13th, 2009 at 7:01 am
I don’t give chocolates to my girls on valentines day coz it makes them think they have permission to let themselves go. Instead i give them trainers and a mirror.
February 13th, 2009 at 6:59 am
Happy Valentine’s Day to you DOB, my love!
I am looking forward to some deep dicking and chocolates!!
February 13th, 2009 at 6:40 am
Love the article, BUT …if you think about it
first it was very cool to celebrate valentine’s
THEN it was even cooler to shit about the pointlessness of valentine’s
and NOW the coolest is to shit about the people shitting the pointlessness of the holiday…
so…maybe we should go back to “celebrating valentine’s is cool”? i don’t know. i kinda lost myself in my own thought.
February 13th, 2009 at 6:38 am
Valentine’s Day is sentimental, and so it’s stupid.
And girls get offended when guys don’t give them chocolate on that day. Why? No one knows. No one gets women, not even women. How many break-ups have been because someone forgot Valentine’s Day? According to movies, like, LOTS
February 13th, 2009 at 6:29 am
My big issue with Valentine’s day is that for some reason I HAVE to participate or I get labeled as a too cool for school know-it-all grinch. Quite frankly, I just feel like this kind of thing is more meaningful if done at random, throughout the year. Where’s the romanticism in a cheaply made “I Wuv You” mammal that is distributed by EVERY GODDAMN person on the same day?
Granted, it ensures some bonage, which my charm and looks fail to do so often.
P.S. @ Johnna.. Dickin’ is the celebration of love in my world. My lonely, lonely world.
February 13th, 2009 at 5:55 am
Valentines Day is rent day. Christmas, her birthday, your anniversary, and Valentine’s Day. Rent day.
February 13th, 2009 at 5:45 am
in korea they have 3 - 4 valentine days
valentines day
white day
black day
peppero day
quite annoying actually
February 13th, 2009 at 5:36 am
It’s the celebration of love.. what could be better than that??
February 13th, 2009 at 4:46 am
Wow. I’m surprised by this article. I’m also wondering when people decided that being cynical artists was in vogue. Not that I disagree… completely, just seems odd.
For Valentines Day, I want to find a place filled with couples picnicking, and stage a loud, obscenity-filled fake break-up. Now all I need is someone to do it with. OH GOD I’M SO ALONE D:
Also, lol_alf, if that’s true, it’s awesome.
February 13th, 2009 at 4:24 am
My point exactly ^^
February 13th, 2009 at 3:57 am
great article, short and too the point with a good amount of funny mixed in
February 13th, 2009 at 3:52 am
Hey Happy fiday the 13th everyone…..its the most romantic day of the year!
February 13th, 2009 at 3:29 am
valentine’s day was originally a holiday meant to prevent screwing; there was some sort of pagan festival that hooked up teens for sexual liaisons, and the church didn’t approve. so they tried to replace it with some saint’s day, they made up a backstory and everything. kind of ironic.
February 13th, 2009 at 3:25 am
We should redirect our anger to another holiday. Like Arbor Day. Yeah, fuck Arbor Day! I don’t even like Arbors.
February 13th, 2009 at 3:16 am
good points… i generally like to bone everyday though… not just on holidays you expect it
February 13th, 2009 at 3:07 am
I never really got the hate towards Valentine’s Day, and I was a pathetic loner who celebrated VD by switching hands during my own happy time and imagening it to be my gift for the day. Some times i would put lotion on that hand, or a really fancy glove.
February 13th, 2009 at 3:07 am
Great article but not what I was expecting.
I saw a D.O.B. article on V-Day and was expecting a twisting, gyrating, story of fear and loathing involving “Jack”, strippers, explosives, sucker punches, and since this is Valentines Day some form of chocolate or a heart shaped card.
Still, keep writing them and I’ll keep reading them.
February 13th, 2009 at 2:40 am
I agree with this article 100% =]
February 13th, 2009 at 2:36 am
The Valentine person that Valentine Day’s is named for is Rufio
Valentine. His wife or girlfriend, history is not clear, said don’t get
her anything for their anniversary, he didn’t…..and was martyred.
February 13th, 2009 at 1:52 am
Grrr I hate Valentine’s Day
February 13th, 2009 at 1:34 am
Great article! You make some good points.