I Fucking Love Valentine's Day
I'll be totally honest: I fucking love Valentine's Day. I know. I know. You hate it. Hate it. Grrr. You hate it because it's a Hallmark holiday; because it's a shallow, commercialized moneymaker, and because you are extremely cool and tragically brilliant.
Look how cool you are. You're an artist.
You know what I find to be the most aggravating thing about Valentine's Day? That every year, at least one person (but always more) will say, as soon as the holiday is brought up, "You know Valentine's Day is just a made up, corporate holiday, right? That it's just designed to make money? Did you know that?" They say it like it's some big secret, and only they know the truth because they dared to break off from the herd and question everything.
But, honestly, is there anyone who isn't aware of how commercialized the holiday is? Does anyone think they're honoring a saint or a god or anything when they're buying chocolates? Like smokers knowing that cigarettes might be vaguely dangerous, I think it's safe to say that, from now on, no one will ever have to enlighten anyone else about how basically meaningless Valentine's Day is. No one anywhere thinks they're celebrating to honor any saints, or anything.
So, do you hate Valentine's Day because you hate consumerism and Valentine's Day shamelessly pulls in $14 billion a year? Fine. Great, you can totally hate consumerism, that's terrific. Just be aware that, when someone is buying somebody else a weepy, overpriced, bastard Hallmark card or a heart-shaped Whitman's Sampler, they're not thinking, "Score one more for consumerism!" No, they're thinking, "Hey, a card. [Insert Name] will really love this," or "Chocolates. I just might be boning someone tonight."
There are plenty of lame holidays, but none take as much shit as Valentine's Day, and I just don't get where all this animosity is coming from. I can see people getting angry about the commercialization of Christmas, or Thanksgiving; those holidays had clear meanings that have been obscured and exploited. But Valentine's Day? Nobody even knows what the hell that's about. My co-blogger and the Heavyweight Champion of Internet Video Mike Swaim touched on the fact that we're not even totally sure who this holiday is supposed to honor, historically speaking, but that was just the tip of the iceberg. There's anywhere from three to a billion dead Christian martyrs named "Valentine," and no one has ever been able to reasonably pinpoint which one deserves his own day. And, before the Christians, pagans had excessive feasts around February 14 that are closer in spirit to what we celebrate today than the lives if Christian martyrs but, again, who knows? It's all a mix of pagans, boning and dead Christians at this point. The meaning of Valentine's Day hasn't been lost over time because there never was one.
So, nothing sacred is being tarnished. No one is being dishonored. So, what are you so mad about? Valentine's Day is about chocolates, excess and boning, and generally a filthy, sticky, delicious combination of all three if you can manage it. Until someone creates delicious bacon that also tells me I'm handsome, I will hold up Valentine's Day as man's greatest invention. From when Valentine's Day was started in America until today, in whatever year this is, we have consistently celebrated commercialization and money and porking and candy and chocolate and cheesy cards. What's wrong with any of those things? What's wrong with a holiday about eating candy and fucking? I know how painfully cool you are, and I know you like being miserable all the time and today presents the perfect opportunity for you to be even more miserable and bitter and whiny, but just shut up for a while. People are just trying to smile and bone and eat tons of chocolate. Why do you have a problem with that?
I HAVE A MASSIVE STONKING ERECTION
ReplyWhat's sad is that people need someone to tell them when to eat candy and fuck. . . and then charges them a bundle for it. I prefer to eat candy and f**k any other day of the year. At least I know the guy who bought the candy and I'm f*****g isn't just following some trend.
ReplyEven though some of my family members have tried to use Valentine's Day as another excuse to give each other s****y gifts, I still love that "holiday". As DOB put it so perfectly, it's the one day of the year that "eating candy and fucking" go hand in hand. IMO, though, any holiday that includes candy also calls for boning.
ReplyA lot of people claim to hate Valentines Day because they are single, but I have never been in a relationship on Valentines day (granted, I am relatively young) but I love the s**t out of it. Everyone's so happy!
ReplyI have no problem with it, cause I don't really care about it, but I think most people that don't like V-Day are butthurt about not being able to get any.
ReplyObviously, being the handsome devil you are, you were never faced with that problem. Because you were too busy boning.
What I'm saying here is that you're ridiculously attractive.
- Bacon.
It's turned around so that now, at least among people my age (late teens, early twenties), you're ridiculed if you DO celebrate Valentine's Day. For f**k's sake, love yourself, love your friends, love your family... don't waste your time loving trite conspiracy theories.
ReplyI hate Valentine's Day because it reminds me how painfully lonely I am. I think that's why a lot of other people dislike it too.
ReplySee for me the problem is that Valentine's day has turned into a day where you are basically the subject of ridicule (even more than normal) if you don't have someone professing their love for you. And a lot of people don't have that, which is perfectly normal, yet somehow you're made to feel stupid or worthless about it.
ReplyWow, I'm not sure sex has ever been mentioned in a higher percentage of sentences in any cracked article, even the ones about sex.
ReplyI dislike Valentines day because I'm bombarded with pink. Pink makes me sick.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesIf you dislike pink you're probably not getting any. I love to get me some pink.
If you dislike pink you're probably not getting any. I love to get me some pink.
"What's the matter with a pink banana, when it's scattered and covered with the baby batter?"
Dude, I know this article is hella old, but thank you! Valentine's Day has never bothered me, even when I am single for it. Now Christmas? Being single for that is waaaay more horrible. Then you get loads of time off of work and school to contemplate your failed relationships. Valentine's Day is one day, nothing is closed, you don't have to participate if you don't want to, and the day after there are EPIC sales on candy and other cute s**t that is pink and red.
ReplyHere's three words that make Easter infinitely more awesome: Cadberry Egg sales.
I like Valentines day, of course I celebrate by watching as many horror and creature feature movies in one day as I can but still, makes me feel good.
ReplyI dislike Valentine's Day because I never have a date for it.
Reply[i]NEVER[/i]
this.
I think I'm going to steal that last card for my husband this year.
ReplyI dislike Valentines day because of the blatant rip off factor. A dozen roses that cost $19.99 in Jan cost $50.00 on Feb 14th. I don;t mind the boning and candy except when the boning involves the florist screwing me up the ass.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesOnly screwing you're getting this Valentines Day.
The solution: buy your flowers in January and stick them in a vacuum so they can't die. IT'S FOOLPROOF MAN
Or just grow the roses yourself. Even though its not very manly, apparently.
1) Can we please stop the "I hate 'x' because it's commercialized"? It's pitiful, douchey, pretentious, and so far no one in human history has listened to the "i'm so cool, i don't conform" rant without b***h-slapping the person giving it.
Reply2) What would it take to get you to start your own line of valentine's cards, starting with 'beautiful music'?
I was just telling people this exact thing a couple of days ago, they claimed they hated the day because of how left out they feel but as I told them the good about valentines day, at least in Australia, is that it isn't a real holiday. It's not like christmas where its expected that everyone celebrates its more like Halloween where no really expects you do anything. Sometimes I completely forget it's even on.
ReplyTotally agree. Ithought those people walking around with roses had just robbed a florist or something, turns out they were giving out porking vouchers. If you catch my boner ;)
I'm so desperately lonely.
just went deep and caught that boner
I hate it because it makes the gestures seem shallow. "Here, I bought you this because it's Valentine's Day", rather than "Here, I bought you this because I think you're awesome".
ReplySee, that's where you're wrong. People are DESPERATE for excuses to show others affection without seeming creepy or overbearing. That's why we set up specific days where it's not mandatory, but certainly encouraged, for you to act a certain way. It's a social convention that lets us know where we stand with other people. If someone just straight up gives you flowers and chocolate, you'll just be all, "Oh, what? This is so out of the blue. I have no idea how I'm meant to react in this situation. Do I need to get them something in return now? How often are they going to do this?" Valentines Day says, "It is now permissible to be super-romantic without it being weird."
I have a legitimate reason to hate valentine's day. Its my birthday. I am expected to buy presents for a chick just to get laid ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Replyfair 'Nuff.
although, if you f**k up royally at least you have the whole 'birthday' thing on your side.
Chances are you MAY get laid anyways.
You might be with the wrong chick.
I dislike Valentine's Day for three reasons. One, it uses love to make money. This is also why I don't like eHarmony and why I would hate shows like __ of Love if love had ever been involved in one. Second, it plays favorites with emotions. Its all chemicals in the brain and it seems a little unfair that only love is celebrated while rage, fear and furious jealousy are suppressed. Third, I've spent them all without a date and I'm a bitter, bitter man. I'm just awful.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesOkay, not fear.
You could have summed that up far more succinctly if you'd just said "I'm bitter and lonley."
He could have, but it's a lot more eloquent this way.