Lately, there’s been a lot of questions about Jessica Simpson’s weight gain. Questions like: Is she fat? How fat is she? How did she get so fat? And, wait, who’s Jessica Simpson again? Well, you might remember her as the once svelte singer and actress whose songs you don’t own and whose movies you haven’t seen. But more likely, you remember Jessica Simpson only as that naughty, barely legal piece of eye candy you could convince to have sex with you by promising a brand new unicorn and/or Travis Tritt tickets.
Well, times have changed and now everyone’s talking about the new Jessica:
Yeah, but don’t feel too bad. True, she may have been called fat by many different people, but hordes of utterly unimportant celebrities have also rallied to Jessica’s defense and castigated the media for this name-calling. Over and over they plead their case: “Leave Jessica alone! What kind of message is this sending to young girls everywhere?”
Well, I’d like to take this opportunity to answer that question: It’s sending a wonderful message! Are you listening young ladies? The lesson is clear and true:
WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T BE LIKE JESSICA SIMPSON!
Do you want to be ridiculed? Do you want to be unloved? Do you want to be mocked on the cover of national magazines? Perhaps, even by the President? Then I urge you:
DON’T BE LIKE JESSICA SIMPSON!
Oh, but before anyone gets too uppity, I should clarify: I’m not telling you never to gain 10 or 15 pounds. I’m not saying that only skinny women deserve love. No no no. That misses the point. I’m saying don’t be like Jessica Simpson. You know, don’t be a no-talent shell of a celebrity with absolutely nothing going for you aside from your kicking body. Because guess what? Once that body goes, and it will go (as surely as Jessica goes for the last remaining Twinkie in her Costco-sized package of Hostess treats), you’ll be nothing.
The whole reason it’s wrong to define women by their appearance is because it unfairly overlooks all their more important talents, qualities and achievements. But in the case of Jessica Simpson, I’m just not sure what those are. Wasn’t her only talent the ability to unite 14-year-old boys and dirty old men in a mutual interest? Am I missing something?
Calling Jessica Simpson tubby does not unfairly obscure our appreciation of her musical talents. I mean, I hear she’s opening up for Rascal Flatts next week (yeah, I don’t know what that is, either). And if she were a better actress, we probably wouldn’t notice her difficulty in creating a waist even with two leopard print belts working overtime. But her former ability to wear Daisy Duke shorts is just not the stuff Oscars are made of.
Do you understand, girls? No one is saying that chubby women are worthless. But everyone is saying that no one cares about worthless women who used to have good bodies. And don’t think this is confined to women. Do you think Keanu Reeves would still get work if he let himself go? Oh really? When’s the last time you saw Val Kilmer in a summer blockbuster? So the key here is don’t be useless. And set your sights higher than Jessica Simpson. Emulate women who have, you know, done something. And the great thing is, if you do that, you won’t have to worry about your dress size. And you won’t have to run to your MySpace page crying about the mean things blogging scum like me have said about you.
So listen up, ladies; next time you want to supersize your value meal, first ask yourself this question: “Am I an uneducated, no talent, individual whose future livelihood depends solely on my appearance because I have absolutely no other redeeming characteristics?” If not, congratulations. You’ve probably read a book. Keep it up. But if the answer to that question is “yes,” then just know you’re running the risk of losing your only asset and being laughed at by an entire nation. At least for a few minutes until we forget about you completely.
This entry was posted on Monday, February 9th, 2009 at 7:00 am and is filed under Music, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 6th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
@Shakes
I will admit you are a funny motherfucker. Laughed out loud serveral times.
October 14th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
Почему все лавры достанутся автору, а мы будем также его ненавидеть?
September 5th, 2009 at 2:08 am
Barbara streisand is a great singer?
Disgusting, horrid lies.
Jessica is much less annoying to listen to than that whore, and she, even chubby, doesn’t trigger your gag reflex, which is more than you can say about streisand.
Also, simplly saying that you think she is a good singer makes you gay. Sorry. If you have a girlfriend or significant other, break up with her, because you are both living a lie.
August 22nd, 2009 at 7:59 am
This is heroic. Thanks, Gladstone!
July 23rd, 2009 at 11:25 am
Brilliant.
June 24th, 2009 at 7:47 pm
I actually appreciate the point you made about women here (and people in general, of course). Don’t be useless. Such a good point. I never thought I’d agree with something on cracked as much as I did with this (except maybe about the article on Glenn Beck’s comedy show).
June 15th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
A singer is ALL she’s known for over here. A commercial, sugary, cheesey pop singer with no free will when it comes to artistic expression, controlled by the record company who ownes her and the technical fools who create her voice on their iMacs…
June 14th, 2009 at 7:50 pm
Uh, I’ll go along with terrible actress, and she may or may not be all that bright. Fat? Eye of the beholder, I guess. Untalented? Not as a singer. She’s got some serious talent in that area, backed by extensive training and a five octave range.
May 30th, 2009 at 9:16 am
The most annoying thing about Jessica Simpson (and American obsession with overweight celebrities that have lost their glamour simply because of the supposed tragedy involved with that) is the fact that this jumped from being mere tabloid fodder to the national news. Before this, I wouldn’t have been able to pick her out of a line of pop tarts; now, to see her face is to hear the caterwailing of a gajillion sympathetic morons and sycophants who believe that the criteria for talent is ‘a size one, and a d cup if possible’.
Due to this, Jessica is easily as big a draw for the crowd who treats weight loss as a religion as skinny Jessica was for the college age boys who salivated over her posters. Naturally, other ’stars’ like Kirstie Alley (wasn’t she in a Star Trek movie once?) and Melissa Joan Hart (who? Oh yeah, the witch with the funny metrosexual cat) have jumped on the bandwagon. Reality shows, blah, blah, blah, humans are meat, we get it. Not intelligent meat. Larger or bigger packages of the same meat.
Does she act well? It doesn’t seem to matter; she looks good. Does she sing well? It doesn’t seem to matter; people were downing her for being a bit heavier, therefore she looks good. Then she’ll come back and lose it all and show them, and if she doesn’t, well…there’s always Kirstie Alley, or Carnie Wilson (who has long ceased to be a musician in any aspect and is now something of a sideshow in an epic battle against the bulge.)
Our TV is pure id; it’s either sex or its some crap about our collective guilt over eating far too much, the drama played out with some boring, sloe-eyed, wailing pop star who can’t even remember the mind-numbing, redundant lyrics she’s supposed to spout.
Is it possible that it’s just mad cow disease?
May 29th, 2009 at 10:40 am
Just a moment of truth and levity here, people. Take a look at the cover: http://coverawards.com/2009/02/02/news_president_barack_obama_on_jessica_simpson_39891/
Barack Obama probably could care less about Jessica Simpson, and probably had no idea about what is going on in her life. Matt Lauer sticks the cover in Obama’s face and asks him about it, and he comments on the caption of the picture that is covering him up. Seriously, folks - he is not commenting on anything other than the caption on a tabloid. Find something meaningful to get upset about, like maybe poverty, pollution, war, or unadulterated greed and consumption.
May 25th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
true dat.
May 13th, 2009 at 11:10 pm
*sanding ovation*
I’ll take a pugly girl that I can talk to for days on end over a piece of eye candy with the wit and wisdom of a rock any day. The eye candies may be easier to look at, but so is a lifeless piece of art. Beautiful, but empty. Indeed, no one would care as much about her weight if she brought talent and/or skill to the equation. I’m not a fan, so I don’t give a whoop anyway. And I think that’s the point here(G-stone, correct me if I’m wrong).
Gladstone transcends guyhood into manliness with this article, IMHO. Bravo.
May 6th, 2009 at 5:28 am
*claps*
May 5th, 2009 at 9:13 pm
thank you so much for this article!!!! it´s great to know that somebody looks beyond and tries to figure out what the problem really is… it´s not the fact that she gained or not a few pounds… it´s that she made a career based on her looks… to be blond thin and beautiful opens up lots of doors, but the door just slammed her right in the face!
ps:sorry if my grammar ain´t the best… english is not my first language…
April 30th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
honestly, that was some great advice delivered with awesome wit.
I laughed my ass off at the “gene wilder” comment for Barbara Streishand XD
April 30th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
Gstone, it can’t be said enough, but thank you for this article. I’m 17 and I’ve been struggling with eating disorders for years; I’ve been a performer for a long time, and it’s extremely competitive, especially when it comes to looks. I can go into an audition knowing I can sing circles around most of those girls, but also knowing I probably won’t get the part because I’m not the tallest, skinniest, or most traditionally pretty among them. But at the end of the day, I’ve still got my brains and my talent to rely on, and that’s what keeps me from taking it out on myself when I don’t get cast or don’t do as well in a performance as I wanted to.
That said, I think that this message should be heard by more people, instead of all the “everyone is a special snowflake, love your body” crap they make everyone sit through in health class. It’s a different world for women now than it was 50 years ago, when the most education our mothers and grandmothers could hope for was an MRS degree. A mind is a terrible thing to waste; if a girl chooses to completely disregard it in favor of her body, she has no one to blame but herself when that body goes to shit.
Everyone that thinks calling Jessica Simpson fat causes eating disorders doesn’t know the first thing about them. It can start for any number of reasons, but the best way to stop it is by focusing on things other than appearance and weight.
April 19th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
shakes=pwnage
April 19th, 2009 at 5:15 am
Megan, whoever you are, stop typing comments to defend people who have long lost their luster. You’re just acting like the Great Defender at the moment. It’s annoying and pointless.
What he says is true, DON’T BE LIKE JESSICA SIMPSON. When you first hear her name, do you think ‘talented’, or ‘amazing singer/actress’? No, you don’t. You think ’sexy’, or ‘fap fap fap fap fap fap’.
Because that’s what she build her fame on: Body.
Once THAT was gone, we really don’t remember her anymore or blah, blah, blah. Only when people started whining at other people to ‘leave her alone1111111111111111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’ DID we actually pay attention to this woman.
We barely remembered her now a days since those Daisy Dukes, and only till those pictures of her were taken and people were bitching at others for SIMPLY STATING THE OBVIOUS, did she get another few minuets of limelight.
The man is right, we should focus on more than just our bodies. Besides trying to stay fit, we should educate our mind further and practice our skills and talents.
If you think defending her was honorable, Megan. I’m sorry then, it wasn’t. It was just silly and childish for some kid to try and deflect an important lesson here.
Cracked.Com is mostly about humor, one time there’s a serious message, you try and shit on it for some now nobody. Just stop it.
If you want to be nothing but an empty, but fap-worthy, shell, go ahead! Let the rest of us real women try and actually do something more now.
April 18th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
dammit shakes, i was just going to say that….
April 7th, 2009 at 6:02 am
I’m going to be PENIS,
I’m 14, and I know Jessica Simpson is not the most talented PENIS in this generation or PENIS should i add? But she works hard and her new PENIS is good, not great but good and it helps me sometimes to realize all i should PENIS about is loving and respecting PENIS. This PENIS has come off has describing Jessica Simpson as PENIS but she can sing, there was a time when her PENIS were just horrible and i have to admit to that. But PENIS is her strong point and she just fists with PENIS. No she is not going to ever be the best young PENIS singer, but her songs make me PENIS. For all you grown up just low PENIS, stop wasting your PENIS trying to put in our heads that this girl is PENIS, she works hard and hard work pays off. I also see that you think she only got famous because of her good PENIS, well she didn’t even portray herself as a sex symbol and the beginning of her PENIS and she was successful with hits from her first album it wasn’t until her second PENIS you could see the Britney Spears portrayed. I also would like to add her third PENIS was also a very good PENIS, you could tell she matured but at the same PENIS it wasn’t just sexual songs. Until you listen to maybe that PENIS and her new one, you don’t have the right to PENIS.
Now that i have gotten really frustrated with all of your comment
one last PENIS,
(I’ll act as “PENIS”) leave her alone and fuck PENIS.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA…. im the funniest motherfucker ALIVE!!!!
March 19th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
I’m going to be honest,
I’m 14, and I know Jessica Simpson is not the most talented singer in this generation or actress should i add? But she works hard and her new album is good, not great but good and it helps me sometimes to realize all i should worry about is loving and respecting myself. This article has come off has describing Jessica Simpson as talentless but she can sing, there was a time when her songs were just horrible and i have to admit to that. But country is her strong point and she just fits with it. No she is not going to ever be the best young country singer, but her songs make me think. For all you grown up just low lives, stop wasting your time trying to put in our heads that this girl is talentless, she works hard and hard work pays off. I also see that you think she only got famous because of her good looks, well she didn’t even portray herself as a sex symbol and the beginning of her career and she was successful with hits from her first album it wasn’t until her second album you could see the Britney Spears portrayed. I also would like to add her third album was also a very good album, you could tell she matured but at the same time it wasn’t just sexual songs. Until you listen to maybe that album and her new one, you don’t have the right to judge.
Now that i have gotten really frustrated with all of your comment
one last thing,
(I’ll act as “Chris Crocker”) leave her alone and fuck off.
(:
March 14th, 2009 at 6:11 pm
[...] Sauce [...]
March 14th, 2009 at 1:07 am
That should, of course, have read, : “…that fact does NOT actually mean she is worthless.”
Close to worthless is not having an edit option on your comments box.
March 14th, 2009 at 1:05 am
Writer: The fact that you now claim to find Jessica Simpson worthless as wank material does not — and here’s where you made a big logical leap that landed you well short of sense or decency — that fact does actually mean she *is* worthless. Are you worthless because so-and-so, and what’s-his-name, would rather wipe their bums with your column than read it? If you are worthless, it is not for that reason.
Jessica Simpson’s ultimate worth is beyond your purview. She has committed no great wrongs that I know of, however (I discount of course having the body of a woman her age, which is no more a character fault than a man’s inevitably losing some or all of his hair and sexually potency as he leaves youth behind). If her crime is that you no longer desire her — well, you must adjust what you think makes someone worthless, or be worth less yourself.
I don’t know Jessica Simpson and never did, but I imagine she is probably much loved by friends and family, quite likely gives to charity, tips for services, would stop to help a lost kid at the mall, and, at the very least, refrains from calling other people “worthless” in print. If there be a God, as some believe, S/He presumably loves Jessica Simpson as well as any mortal. People’s worth is not their utility to you. That is narcissism, bordering on sociopathy.
March 13th, 2009 at 9:08 pm
This article is gorgeous. Thank you so much. And I totally agree with Danielle.
March 12th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
http://driftnews.lt/
March 5th, 2009 at 6:49 pm
Has anyone else noticed that when she sings, she looks like shes going into a grand mal seizure? Ever since I noticed that, all I can think about when I see her is that creepy tick that reminds me of a psychotic ex-girlfriend approaching her cheating ex with a Glenn Close look on her face and a schizophrenic head tilt.
March 5th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
“And if she were a better actress, we probably wouldn’t notice her difficulty in creating a waist even with two leopard print belts working overtime.”
LOL
March 4th, 2009 at 11:07 pm
man Jessica isn’t fat. she just got some meat on the bone. you just need to know how to hit it right.
March 2nd, 2009 at 4:46 pm
[...] Don’t Be Like Jessica Simpson: A Lesson For Young Girls Everywhere - With pictures for young boys … [...]
February 27th, 2009 at 7:52 pm
see, from a glance at the headline and picture, my first thought was “don’t be like jessica simpson - avoid the jessie spanno pants like the plague! these pics are proof why!”
seriously. they’re not doing her any favors.
/would still hit it
February 26th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
at the end of the day, if Peyton Manning stopped throwing touchdowns, people would talk shit about him. People are pointing out how eddie murphy hasnt been funny in years. thats because thats what they are (or were) good at.
Jessica Simpson was only good at looking hot, and now that she’s not nearly as hot as she was, people are gonna say so
February 21st, 2009 at 10:16 am
Love it. ha. so true. thank god SOMEONE wrote what everyone was thinking - just not so eloquently.
February 18th, 2009 at 11:14 pm
Real women talk back if the situation calls for it.
February 18th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
so true
February 17th, 2009 at 7:20 pm
Because she has the IQ of a broken pencil?
February 17th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
True story and statement, but even in the general public most women are admiring her and women like her. There are so many falsehoods in what women are observing and interpreting throught the media. For instance Beyonce. Her songs are nice, but her lyrics, whew! Like in Diva she says, “Where my ladies up in there who like to talk back.” If any man has been good to you and treated you with due repspect then you should reciprocate the same respect to him. Real women don’t talk back. I’m all for women’s rights, but not when their confidence becomes bumptious.
February 17th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
Needless to say, she has very cute looking!! lots pretty chicks like her should be very famous on the ta ll da ting site: ___T a ll M in gl e Co m___. Maybe she can join to attend the sexy session to attract ta ll guys!! at least, that’s what my bros and i happen to know!!
February 17th, 2009 at 5:19 am
I think is quite fair to say that jessica *herself* didn’t built her “empire”. Was she the whole brain behind her marketing campain?…. I don’t think so (but please, correct me if i’m wrong). So basiclly, if she didn’t have the resources and the people to put her on the map, she might have stay as just any random pretty girl…. so in the end, we know who jessica simpson is because of people with marketing skills and money (i’ve heard that her dad is her manager so he might have a big part in that). Her part? looking pretty and singing good enough not to make people ears’ bleed… oh, and being dumb on TV of course.
what i’m trying to say: if jessica build her own empire with her own bare hands, and was behind the whole marketing process, hands down, she could be the next apprentice!… if not, oh well, just an other good looking girl with money…. who’s putting weight now, and will be forgotten unless she pulls a Nicole Richie (because hollywood LOVES that)…. hmmm, now, to think of it, maybe it is an other marketing trick, to get everyone to talk to her.
but oh well.
Great article, by the way.
February 16th, 2009 at 9:32 pm
she’s not exactly fat yet but she looks a whole lot fatter
February 15th, 2009 at 6:36 am
man,she fat.but not fat enough that i wouldnt bone the shit out of her.
if i treat her like an object its really no fault but her own.unless of course her aim all along was to become a no talent fat-ster.
February 15th, 2009 at 5:02 am
I like her. Many celebrities also think she is talented. I learned her blog is very hot at “millionaireloves.com”. It’s a dating site for celebrities and wealthy people.
February 14th, 2009 at 10:44 pm
I just loved this article, it was really funny.
Thumbs up
February 14th, 2009 at 10:59 am
Oh my! How is it possible to misunderstand a person, that bad?
Obama is just referring to the cover of the magazine, if you actually watch the video, instead of just reading it in some transcript, you can see he’s pointing at the magazine, and you can also read that, on the magazine, it says ‘Jessica Simpson in weight battle’. He’s not calling her fat! He’s just quoting the cover of US Weekly.
February 14th, 2009 at 3:11 am
Yeah that’s all fine and well everyone, but what took the blog to mean is, I, meaning me, would still fuck Jessica Simpson. Even if she gained 30 more pounds, I would still, definitely fuck Jessica Simpson.
Just so we are clear.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:52 am
Obbop, at least you got the ‘brainlet’ part correct. Unfortunately for us, the ‘brainlet’ you refer to is the one sitting atop your dumb stick, which apparently knows how to type and use a Thesaurus. If it has opposable thumbs, do us all a favor and jab your eyes out with them so we don’t have to suffer the ill-conceived internet leavings of your ‘brainlet’ any longer.
February 13th, 2009 at 2:32 am
I think you had it right in the first sentence: you are far from the brightest bulb lighting the multi-story edifice– nay, any multi-story edifice– soaring from any city street. I don’t want to waste too much time arguing with the male version of Valerie Solanas, but your point would be more convincing if you put down the thesaurus and found factual evidence to back you up.
Using the same sort of rhetoric you have, I could “logically” conclude that blacks are to blame for the “sundry ills confronting us” (although ironically, we live in the most technologically advanced age): “Hey, everything went to shit after the civil rights movement, so it’s probably their fault… never mind that the people creating the economic crisis right now are primarily old, rich white men filled with greed on Wall Street.”
Also, I highly recommend you omit the phrase “daffy dames” when you submit your proposals to persons of higher authority, because to put it politely, it makes you sound retarded.
February 13th, 2009 at 2:21 am
My oh my was that a wordy way of showing everyone that you’re dumb.
February 13th, 2009 at 1:04 am
Admittedly I am a self-proclaimed bloke who is far from the brightest bulb lighting the multi-story edifice soaring aloft from the gritty city streets below.
Yet, my brainlet performs adequately, allowing me to fathom possibilities while being at least semi-aware of the environment my rotund body is immersed within.
Part of my thinking based upon decades of life observations and bountiful reading is that a grievous mistake was made when females were allowed to vote to the extent some males used to be allowed to vote.
Then, allowing females the full gamut of rights and privileges with no corresponding demand those females also accept all the responsibilities of full-fledged adulthood is, in my non-politically correct opinion, a societal change that has led to many of the problems facing us today.
I mention my opinion after reading some of the above comments wherein I am again confronted by a whiny female and the typical knee-jerk rhetoric so devoid of independent thought.
Males do an excellent job of screwing “things” up on their own.
Add in the types of screw ups illogical irrational emotion-laden self-centered uber-materialistic dames introduce into whatever “equation” is under discussion and is it any wonder that the many societal, economic, political and sundry other ills confronting us are present and appear to be worsening?
The Females as Property Movement endorses this message
February 12th, 2009 at 11:35 pm
Great article. Great photos too (specially the “what’s my motif” one)
February 12th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
Dammit, Gladstone. Every time I come on here to defend your honor you condemn yourself further. Next thing you know you’ll be admitting that your abuse extends to kittens and small children. On second thought, maybe that should be the topic of your next article…
February 12th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
I just red this news on tall dating site ___Tallmingle.com
February 12th, 2009 at 10:44 am
Well, I do, but it’s not like Just Me could know that. Unless, wait. Was that your dog? My bad.
February 12th, 2009 at 10:00 am
Just Me, I’m not going to be too harsh because you probably have never read Cracked, but it’s a comedy website. This “blog” is less of a blog and more of a satirical article, so almost everything you quoted was just a joke. Kind of. Most celebrities are useless, and it actually had a driving message. Obama’s quote was taken out of context in the article and was also used in jest.
So while I understand that this blog seems mean or whatever, it’s written that way for a reason. It’s not like Gladstone goes out and kicks puppies for fun.
February 12th, 2009 at 9:06 am
Typical G-Stone. If he is not making fun of dead girls, he’s busy making fun of fat chicks. And then he has to explain to everyone why it was funny. Well sir, no explanations needed, this was funny, one of your best articles in months maybe even light years. Is there anything longer than a light year? Cause somehow it feels longer.
PS: I still hate you, I dug up that little girl you made fun off and we coming for a visit so you can say sorry.
February 12th, 2009 at 8:51 am
ZooeyKarma did not need anything explained to her.
February 12th, 2009 at 7:23 am
Just me, nicely said. It’s too bad that it needed explaining.
February 12th, 2009 at 1:21 am
“More girls need to be told not to be like Jessica Simpson, because right now a lot of them think it’s what society wants them to be.”
I agree, to an extent. But it’s in the ‘how we show’ it that makes the difference. Ripping apart a person based on appearance, yeah okay, we don’t want them to be like that (youth). But if we attack her (and teach them that) aren’t we doing sort of an opposite effect that can be just as damaging?
I actually did read fully, and appreciated your feedback
But I’m trying to read it as a whole, ya know? And while there are good messages (which I did kudo) there are a whole lot of negative too. And those color what would be a decent article into, like I said, a bitter and abrasive pov.
I agree, don’t be like those who act like that, (but honestly, it’s not just Jessica, but that’s just semantics), but I think the lesson needs to focus more on why goals, intelligence, etc are good, why depending on appearance isn’t always the best way to go, and to teach tolerance… tolerance of others creates a tolerance of oneself.
Comments in this article such as:
“next time you want to supersize your value meal…”
“But everyone is saying that no one cares about worthless women who used to have good bodies. And don’t think this is confined to women. Do you think Keanu Reeves would still get work if he let himself go?”
“(as surely as Jessica goes for the last remaining Twinkie in her Costco-sized package of Hostess treats)”
“utterly unimportant celebrities..”
However this: “You know, don’t be a no-talent shell of a celebrity with absolutely nothing going for you aside from your kicking body.” is what I realize is to be the intended message. but the above quotes (yes out of context, but there’s enough of them to make the point, methinks) truly rip apart the good parts of this and leave a huge shell of degrading, pointless, and actually bordering on quite cruel.
Lastly, first off, Obama’s quote is really taken out of context. Click on the link, watch the video (it’s towards the end) and make your own judgement. 2nd of all, Rascal Flatts is actually rather well known (not important, just had to add it). And as far as talent, that’s really a viewpoint sort of matter ^_~ I’m more into other kinds of music, but some really like her style. Beautiful women in hollywood are a dime a dozen. As George Clooney said: “You can only get so far without discernible talent - then you either work, or use cheap publicity tricks to keep the public’s attention.” (Again, semantics)
I’m not a Jessica fan or against. I’m discussing the blog, not about her ;).
Btw, I liked your comments, though, cana and ecspecially zooey…I like the constructiveness and I’m really happy to not be ripped apart lol, I’m hoping you don’t feel I am doing that on your viewpoint. I’m actually enjoying discussing it with you, we’re not taking it to the ‘oh yeah, agree with me or die’ extreme lol (yeah, just joking about now…things need to lighten up here and there ^^)
To end with one more quote of George Clooney (lol I was imdb’ing all of the old actors I’ve sort of grown up around, boy are they aging o.o)
“You never really learn much from hearing yourself talk.” (Thus, I end my post here ^_~)
February 12th, 2009 at 12:39 am
waahoo said:
“What can we take from this article? If you’re good looking, but not too bright, don’t use your assets or you’ll be laughed at when you lose them. Also, ladies, cover your bodies.
Tripe.”
Also, whine whine whine.
Um no, what you should be taking from this article is that you should take time to develop interests and talents outside of “gee whiz I’m purty”.
Nice job, Gladstone.
February 11th, 2009 at 7:33 pm
You win major bonus points. Awesome article.
-another chick
February 11th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
I don’t think you entirely grasped what the article was saying. And yes, I think it is okay to pick apart Jessica Simpson for building a career on her looks and no talent, and yes, it’s okay to show girls not to be this person. More girls need to be told not to be like Jessica Simpson, because right now a lot of them think it’s what society wants them to be.
“I would rather show them positive role models, then to poke someone at them and teach them the world’s view that “this is not okay to look like”.”
Gladstone wasn’t saying “this isn’t what you should look like,” he was saying “this isn’t what you should be like.” It’s perfectly okay to be chubby if you don’t have a career built around being a sex object. If girls want fame, they should get it through having talent and being worth something. Jessica Simpson should’ve known this would happen; the more people you have idolizing you for having a “perfect body,” the more people you’re going to have tear you down when you start to lose it.
February 11th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
Okay, not going to read pages et al (read enough of them though). I do have my 2 cents though (doesn’t everyone? :p)
1) I’ve always been a bit disgusted by those who make their image based on appearance…however:
To critize for finally coming back to the real world isn’t something I’m going to condemn. For crying out loud, no matter how we all may view her, she’s a person too. How would any of you appreciate being picked apart? Everyone has something that could be used to humilate them, including the writer of this article.
I’ve read a few of the articles here and there, but this article actually made me a bit sick. Granted, it might be meant as a ‘achieve goals, not adoration based on appearance’, but honestly (from this viewpoint anyways) it didn’t come out as intended. The bitterness and crashingly abrasive attack made this sound…well, just that. Bitter and abrasive. I seriously think the writer deserves a lot of kudos, it’s not easy putting oneself on public display in any form, and obviously the op is well-liked. But we all mess up, and honestly, I think this is one of them.
I realize that the writer may be feeling backed into a corner…I’m not trying to create that feeling (I’m sure you’ve been feeling a bit upset at that)…I’m asking you to reread this…and re-read it again. Is this how you truly wanted to portray this article?
If so, then what is the lesson that this would hold for young girls? Sure, create a future, establish goals…be someone. But to hold anger in such a matter would belittle them too, ya know? And sorry to the person who said that this is a good article from a feminist perspective (yes, massively bad quoting, I apologize), I ask you to read what I’ve written. What lesson do you truly want for the girls today? I personally think there’s enough crud in each of our backyards, I’d rather teach a young girl to learn how to deal with the world around her (and yes, to grow and learn), but I would rather show them positive role models, then to poke someone at them and teach them the world’s view that “this is not okay to look like”. Seriously, yes the world needs fitness, etc. But sorry bloggy person, you went a bit too far.
Just my 2 cents (and many extra words, lol sorry)
February 11th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Oh wow… here, have another THANK YOU from a girl for this.
(I do still think it’s kind of mean-spirited to keep going on about her weight though. I mean, yes, she was the one who made a career out of her appearance, but anyone who’ll point and laugh when it changes a little is just as wrapped up in caring about appearance. If we were all really as interesting as we like to think we are, we’d be talking about something else.)
Again- THANK YOU.
February 11th, 2009 at 11:49 am
the article was great but dont u think cuz everyone is giving jessica simpson (and i mean the media) that shes gonna end being another nichole richie and go anorexic i mean come this is how eating disorders are created
February 11th, 2009 at 3:48 am
I don’t care what people say- I liked Joan of Ark. It was a good movie. (okay, I don’t know what people said about it, but I’m assuming it was bad for some reason. *dashes to rottentomatoes* 31%. See? SEE?)
And yeah, this was a good article.
Now do one about those Twilight fans who almost started a riot at hot topic the other day.
February 11th, 2009 at 1:54 am
I think Jessica Simpson is more attractive now than she was before. Now her boobs have a little bit of context behind them (yeah, I don’t know what that means either)
February 11th, 2009 at 12:12 am
Gladstone can do whatever he pleases because he is my friend on Facebook.
February 11th, 2009 at 12:05 am
Awesome call with this article G-stone, thug love.
I think it’s hilarious that everyone’s up in arms over Obama apparantly calling her fat - he was just sarcasticly repeating exactly what the cover said, and it was lost on half of the world. Then you wrote about it, and half your readers missed the point again. Taking things seriously on a comedy website is like playing catch with a quadruple amputee.
Keep up the good work!
February 10th, 2009 at 11:33 pm
Yes, I know it’s perfectly appropriate, but it makes no sense. I’m just living in a dream world where English dictionaries are prescriptive. I can’t believe there are still people around who can and will discuss such things. It’s encouraging.
February 10th, 2009 at 11:17 pm
Jay,
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender-neutral_pronoun
S/he is perfectly appropriate, both gramatically and etymologically.
P.
February 10th, 2009 at 11:15 pm
Pamcakes, while you’re at it, “s/he is special” should be (s)he, he/she or it. You’re saying “s or he”. At least you didn’t say “they”.
Also, “rack” does boobs no justice, but that’s just me.
February 10th, 2009 at 11:14 pm
I’m fairly intelligent and decent-looking, but it’s easier to feel bad about not looking amazing than it is to feel bad about not being smarter, more talented, etc. because of the emphasis the media places on looking good.
I’m sure Jessica Simpson would look fine anyway, if she wasn’t wearing a ridiculously hideous outfit.
Also, President Obama wasn’t really calling Simpson fat. If you watch the clip, he’s merely reading the title on the cover, and I took his use of the word “apparently” to emphasis how trivial the matter is, and maybe even imply that she’s not fat.
February 10th, 2009 at 11:03 pm
“Words don’t appear to be your friend, John. Please submit your next comment in the form of a shoebox diorama.”
I have to admit, that comment alone made me laugh out loud.
Which just makes me look foolish at the library.
February 10th, 2009 at 10:04 pm
HAHA put her in her place Tay.
February 10th, 2009 at 9:59 pm
G-Stone, u seem to be quite a mature woman ( if you were male you wouldn’t be complaining about Jessica Simpson ), even though i agree with your point and laughed occasionaly,
GROW UP and stop arguing with Children over the internet
Thanks
P.S. I think she looks quite healthy, bad choice in shorts but give her some credit it was probably her equaly un-talented stylist that picked them for her and anyway shes still got a crackin rack!
February 10th, 2009 at 9:09 pm
“g stone i wasnt talking about the money thing since u think u know everything i was talking about her calling jessica simpson being stupid since u feel the need to flame me”
Okay, did that sentence (oh, yes, I say *sentence* because a paragraph has punctuation) make any sense to *anyone*?
Seriously?
I know rising adult illiteracy rates are one of the many banes of our society, but honestly, my grasp of written English was better than that in Grade Three.
We get that this person is angry (over…something), but I have read fortune slips out of Chinese biscuits that made more sense than this.
P.
Who generally doesn’t subscribe to the Cult Of Being Mean To Strangers On The Internet[tm] but wants Ash (oh, yeah, that’s right; I went there and capitalised the name) to know that s/he is special.
February 10th, 2009 at 8:54 pm
g stone i wasnt talking about the money thing since u think u know everything i was talking about her calling jessica simpson being stupid since u feel the need to flame me
February 10th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
I would hit that on the fatter Jessica Simpson far more readily than the skinny one.
I also agree with every word in this article, and would be applauding and hooting obnoxiously if I was in the room as it was being written.
Also, Duane Gladstone: You missed out Kathy Bates, the most talented woman at anything ever, and who also happens to be butt-ugly.
February 10th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
I’d still hit it.
February 10th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
What can we take from this article? If you’re good looking, but not too bright, don’t use your assets or you’ll be laughed at when you lose them. Also, ladies, cover your bodies.
Tripe.
February 10th, 2009 at 6:39 pm
Gee, I wish I was as fat as Jessica Simpson.
February 10th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
Val Kilmer? How DARE YOU!!!! the man has acting chops. The Doors? I rest my case
February 10th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
G-stone can pick out typos in casual responses. Impressive work.
February 10th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
Dear SomethingSomething
Kindly Blow It Out Your Ass
Sincerely, Sock, Jar, Put That Shit Down, Xavier or a slew of other pseudonyms and nicknames that I am called/go by.
February 10th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
Actually, I think this article is more confined to other celbreties, like Nicole what’s-her-face who decided to starve herself and brak up with The Blonde chick with the lazy eye. And the her career died. On the side of the road, after having been run over back and forth, with a semi-truck full of bricks and Reader’s Digest, saying that you shouldn’t care about your weight and that irony sucks, with no friends and tire marks all over its stomach, intestines spewing from its face. Vivid enough?
February 10th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
Aside from the truly heinous outfit, I don’t think she looks that bad. She definitely could have found a more flattering/stylish/modern outfit. Tim Gunn must have passed out when he saw this…
February 10th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
This article finally puts out there what I have been thinking. If you choose to make a name for yourself by objectifying yourself (unless someone forced her to be in video washing a car in her bikini), then don’t play the victim if people say something when you lose what made you money in the first place. By the way, if she chose to dress in a way where it didn’t look like she was a cougar on the prowl (i.e. with dignity and not like divorcee barbie), then people wouldn’t be talking about her at all. But that is really the point, after all.
February 10th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
wow that’s depressing but true… i feel kinda sorry for Jessica Simpson.
Glad to see you back Gladstone!!! love your work!
February 10th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
Anyone who doesn’t get this article is as stupid as Simpson herself.
February 10th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
I’m not a fan of Jessica Simpson. I think her “music” is not fit for listening. It irritates me how she plays sexy-dumb to the media (which is a horrible message to promote), etc., etc., etc.
I agree that there is more to a person’s worth than their looks.
But I also agree that there is more to a person than their talent, or even intelligence.
Granted, it takes a certain measure of intelligence to grasp concepts like “fairness” “equality” and “ethics”–the things that make those who possess them worthwhile.
But you don’t have to be talented or a genious to be a good person. I have no way of knowing whether Simpson is a bad person or not….but until footage of her, say, kicking puppies surfaces on YouTube, I won’t attack her. I critisize her all the time for her bimbo routine, but declaring her worthless is further than I’m willing to go.
Y’know what I mean? For example, the Elephant Man was a smart dude. Far above average-intelligence and all that. BUT even if he had had an IQ of 87, I still wouldn’t have deemed him worthless because he was a good guy.
(I think?) it was Confucious who made the distinction between the wise man and the petty man. Don’t treat people kindly or cruelly based on who *they* are…..treat them according to who *you* are.
February 10th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
What should she have done, not pursued a career at all, simply because later on in life, or if she puts on a few pounds, she won’t be a desirable? Get a grip dude, she probably has far more money and experiences than you will, throughout your life.
I’m surprised that an adult male would even concern himself with such gossip. Pathetic. How the hell are you? Joan Rivers? lol
February 10th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
What a retarded article. Leave these worries to the teenage girls and find yourself some self respect, you hack.
February 10th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
John, do you mean “who” the hell are you? I think you do.
And what does it mean to say she has more “experiences” than I do.
Words don’t appear to be your friend, John. Please submit your next comment in the form of a shoebox diorama.
February 10th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
Why is everyone here bitching about feminism?
I think most feminists would probably like this article, or at least find it worthy of discussion. I do. Any article encouraging women to foster self-worth that isn’t solely based on their good looks is actually… kind of… feminist in itself.
And also funny.
February 10th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
I’m gone from Cracked for a few weeks, and when I return, not only is Gladstone back, but he’s ignited a feminist firestorm.
And seriously, is that Obbop guy real? He sounds like a lonely internet nerd pretending to be Sherlock Holmes.
February 10th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
This would have made for a good HBN, but I’m glad you did it as a written article. I like your funny-but-serious (serious-but-funny?) pieces best; just as many laughs but higher re-readability. I think we can permit you to stay on sabbatical as long as you like, provided you keep sending us things like this to read.
February 10th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
No redeeming qualities? That may be so. But god damn… that picture of her in the chair! Holy hell. Like they always say “Why don’t you take a picture? It’ll be thin and attractive longer.”
February 10th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
I dont think there’s a single word there that anybody could disagree with.
I think if Jessica Simpson read that, she’d probably go “hell, he’s got me figured out”
February 10th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
This is one of the best articles I’ve ever read on Cracked!
February 10th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Now that Val Kilmer is too fat to be objectified, he is going to run for Governor of New Mexico in 2010 (seriously). Jessica Simpson can’t do that no matter how fat she gets. So the playing field ain’t really that level, its still a mans world.
In defense of Val, he does have some talent (Top Secret, The Doors, recent role in Entourage) so maybe that makes he more qualified for a life beyond the oggling. However, in defense of Jessica, because its a man’s world, Jessica has been whored out by her father and has been raised to be oggled.
February 10th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
ash, let’s see if I can explain to you why you’re not very bright. You miss the whole point of the article by believing it’s a diatribe against fat chicks. You then say being concerned with such things is shallow. And then you praise someone else for saying my point isn’t valid because I’m not rich. So if you you’re keeping score at home, being consumed with body image is shallow, but being obsessed with money consumption is not. I know there’s no qualifying exam to use the internet, but man, can you just pretend there is, and that you failed? Thank you.
February 10th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
This is why I meet girls at college..Great article.
February 10th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Christ, I WISH I could get that thin :c
February 10th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Awesome…. truly.
February 10th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
tonylove stop spamming its really annoying and no one give a damn
February 10th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
someonewithapulse good point btw
February 10th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
seriously why cant everybody just leave everybody alone it stupid and shallow god are people really that bored that they care about a couple pounds of weight gain jesus people get a fucking life
February 10th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
Is she stupid? Check
Not in the greatest shape right now? Check
Richer then you will ever be? Check
Smart enough to cash all those checks? Check
so there ya go..
February 10th, 2009 at 11:26 am
Needless to say, she has very cute looking!! lots pretty chicks like her should be very famous on the tall dating site: ___Tallmingle.com___. Maybe she can join to attend the sexy session to attract tall guys!! at least, that’s what my bros and i happen to know!!
February 10th, 2009 at 11:01 am
Thank you.
That is all.
February 10th, 2009 at 10:57 am
Gladstone, workin’ it for women. Keep fighting the good fight!
February 10th, 2009 at 10:00 am
Wow, I’m so glad that this was put out. It is rather nice hearing a *guy* say such things instead of only the militant femi-nazis (although the latter group would never be too upset about a woman putting on weight–just that somehow ALL women have other redeeming qualities besides looks. Which some just do not).
Thank you, Gladstone.
February 10th, 2009 at 9:51 am
Haha I loved it, nice escape from the typical, (and by no means is that a complaint or criticism) list articles. What can you expect when you have a whole generation of girls that are fully committed to shows like The Hills and My Super Sweet 16?
February 10th, 2009 at 9:01 am
“GREAT essay. Looks always fade, talent will not.”
Looks like somebody missed Aretha Franklin’s performance(expensive hat and all) at Obama’s inauguration.
*granted, she has decades of stellar performances to shield herself against criticism.
February 10th, 2009 at 8:52 am
HAHAHA! ASSet!
February 10th, 2009 at 8:46 am
Wow. I’m glad I didn’t do this as a Hate By Numbers. At least I filtered out the people who couldn’t read. Many of you gave this props as just a funny bit of common sense. Thanks. That was my only agenda.
February 10th, 2009 at 8:23 am
GREAT essay. Looks always fade, talent will not.
February 10th, 2009 at 7:14 am
hahaha I would do things to Jesica Simpson as she is fat. She’s hotter fat then shes thin. I’d eat cereal out of her pooper.
February 10th, 2009 at 5:14 am
Great article. Well said, Jealousani. Nothing wrong with “the new Jessica”’s body, though.
February 10th, 2009 at 4:56 am
Thank you. This was a perfect example of feminism that isn’t bullshit. Yes, I am a bloodsucking Feminazi who huffs the souls of men. I fuck women, research gender studies, and associate with the male side of the species only to rejoice in our mutual interest in boobs. Despite this, I will feel little offense at insults aimed towards a woman who has cashed in solely on her appearance. She’s whored her body for fame, and now the metaphorical (and likely literal) diseases have come back to bite her in the ass. So I freely mock her. Her gender doesn’t protect her from criticism - that thought in itself is anti-feminist.
Hat’s off to you, sir.
February 10th, 2009 at 4:07 am
Don’t Be Like Jessica Simpson: A Lesson For Young Girls Everywhere | Cracked.com…
All of the talk about Jessica Simpson’s weight gain has sent a message to little girls: Don’t be a no-talent shell of a celebrity with absolutely nothing going for you aside from your kicking body….
February 10th, 2009 at 3:54 am
I was almost going to complain about the Val Kilmer comment.
I was thinking, hey, Val’s still a bit of all right, if I do say so myself! As a matter of fact *clicks link*! … Oh… Oh, that’s… That’s… a little disappointing…
Thankyou, Gladstone, for breaking my little, fragile, young adult heart.
February 10th, 2009 at 3:19 am
Obbop, truly, you are a visionary. And so convincing! Your logic is impeccable. I mean, “The devious workings of the female mind are self-centered and not attuned to rational logical thinking.” — Many would consider it contradictory to call someone both devious and completely irrational in the space of one sentence, but clearly they’re just deviously and irrationally twisting your words.
And some would consider a statement like “Easily led by shiny trinkets and baubles the inferior female mind is ruled by emotion and will seldom even consider the wants, needs and desires of a male.” to be misogynistic and based on nothing more than perceived slights, blown out of proportion by a paranoid moron, but what they fail to understand is that you’ve done the research! As you say “MANY males … have communicated to [you]“, and those are statistics you just can’t argue with. After all, how many paranoid misogynists could there be in the world?
February 10th, 2009 at 2:53 am
I think it is very noble of you folks at Cracked.com to take a vacation from yesterday’s mission, of being funny, and bore me to death with a tedious and utterly generic rant against objectifying women. Not many successful webzines would totally trash their reputations to make a moral point that everyone already understands.
Perhaps you can follow up, with an equally unfunny story roasting Mattel’s Barbie doll franchise? I look forward to seeing just how far you can take this message.
I am certain that you have greatly enhanced the self esteem of all the eight year old girls who click on Cracked.com.
February 10th, 2009 at 2:52 am
I wouldn’t kick Jessica Simpson out of bed for eating ice cream.
Mmmm, boobies.
February 10th, 2009 at 2:29 am
GH3Y Ret4rd3d F4gz
February 10th, 2009 at 2:17 am
@dumb_blondchick yes, yes it does, more than anything in the world it does.
February 10th, 2009 at 2:02 am
Violet: Yeah, but it’s the good kind of feminism; the kind that says “Hey ladies, don’t be dumbasses like Jessica Simpson.”
February 10th, 2009 at 1:46 am
So, I can’t remember who, but someone up there wrote “Gladstone’s Point is still valid.”
For $1000, I can write, in one week, “Gladstone’s Point.”
I want this made as much as you do. I’ll go for less. Just give me the word.
February 10th, 2009 at 1:12 am
wtf. people get upset cuz you stole their masturbation fodder gladstone. these people would stick up for a celebrity before they’d do the same for a peer. fuck em. fuck em in their fucking faces.
nice article btw.
February 10th, 2009 at 12:58 am
so, does this mean i shouldn’t be like jessica alba either?
February 10th, 2009 at 12:57 am
Females are soft and warm and cuddly but the modern-type females of today left me cold so I decided to shun them.
Let some other sucker impregnate them, attempt to sate their whims, tolerate their emotion-laden illogic.
Happiness and freedom was and is more important to me than being chained to a female.
Sure, there ARE a few decent wimmenfolk’ out there but their numbers are far too small, in my opinion, for me to take a chance with any female.
Witnessing the damage done to males and society in general by females the past few decades I felt compelled to create the Females as Property Movement.
I have been shocked by the MANY males who have communicated to me that it may actually be necessary to curtail female access to the full gamut of ADULT privileges and rights due to the too-common female inability to accept ADULT responsibilities.
February 10th, 2009 at 12:25 am
This might be the most feminist article on this site. Awesome.
February 10th, 2009 at 12:00 am
That should have read MR G-stone.
In my defense, I was dictating that comment to someone else to type.
Akwaaaaaaaaaaaaard…;-)
February 9th, 2009 at 11:57 pm
@Ratstone,
My G-stone is attractive and clever and I secretly wish he was my Uncle, because you just know he’d give mad cool pony rides.
That is all.
P.
February 9th, 2009 at 11:53 pm
@not gay clay: I don’t know dude but the last pic is the right one for me. The first one was the one in which she is FAT. If you’re into that cool, but the last one is damn sexy.. which proves G-Stone point..
February 9th, 2009 at 11:50 pm
She is certainly not fat. But the article makes an excellent point about the value of attaining real achievements in life. Cashing in on your sex appeal is no accomplishment to take pride in, any more than winning the lottery is. I hope that this is, in fact, the lesson that young people will take from this. Unfortunately, I fear that most young people will not see Jessica’s situation this way, and will simply get the message: Stay thin, at all cost. The author was trying to correct this, and for that I appreciate it.
February 9th, 2009 at 11:45 pm
Ok; I’m drunk now. Looking at those pictures has made me still want to do her in the pooper. Who am I kidding? I’d do her in the pooper regardless. It ain’t that bad, and she ain’t that bad. I wouldn’t ask her opinion on The Bothers Karamazov but I’d certainly do her in the pooper. Is there any other measure to take of a woman I seem to be missing?
February 9th, 2009 at 11:37 pm
I just think it’s kind of funny that almost everyone on Gladstone’s side uses complete sentences and half-decent grammar.
Jessica’s team, not so much.
Coincidence?
Thanks for the column, Mr. G.
February 9th, 2009 at 11:34 pm
As valid as G-stone’s points are in this article (i.e., very), I have a question:
Am I the only one who thinks she’s better looking now than before?
I mean, she’s a bit hefty even for me, but I think she was WAY too skinny in the first pic he linked. If she lost maybe 15 pounds, she’d be great for me.
Am I the only one who looks at the new Jessica and goes: “Damn! She finally looks good”? Probably…
February 9th, 2009 at 11:29 pm
Awesome article Gladstone!
Lets start idealizing women who actually have something to offer rather than their bodies. It’s not an insult to women that people are commenting on Jessica Simpson’s weight gain, it’s an insult to women that Jessica Simpson was seen as an ideal woman in the first place. She only has her body, there’s nothing else.
February 9th, 2009 at 11:17 pm
(And I’m kind of dumb. But I can run fast.)
February 9th, 2009 at 11:13 pm
You see that, RATstone? The gauntlet, it’s done been throwed down, sucker.
February 9th, 2009 at 11:10 pm
“To all you people who hate G-Stone for this:”
For this, just for this……this?!! Oh come on have some goddamn vision.
February 9th, 2009 at 11:01 pm
Gladstone, I love you.
February 9th, 2009 at 10:50 pm
lol, the part about Keanu is true, though. He’s got shit once age really sets in. I still think Jessica Simpson’s kind of cute though… BBW! Whose with me..? 0_o
February 9th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
“you remember Jessica Simpson only as that naughty, barely legal piece of eye candy”
The “barely” is eight words too late.
Nice one.
February 9th, 2009 at 10:34 pm
G-stone, that was a fantastic article. You made your extremely poignant social criticism (which, by the way, was spot-on) funny as well. Kudos, and keep up the great work.
February 9th, 2009 at 10:32 pm
To all you people who hate G-Stone for this:
Having a voice and a body does not make a talented individual. You have to have something to back it up. She doesn’t work, and hasn’t worked. She stands there and dances. Most of the time, not even that. She doesn’t play an instrument, she doesn’t write her songs, and most of what her voice sounds like is editing. Once she hits 40, she’ll be living purely off of royalties and still have no talent whatsoever. Everyone will stop caring. Except for classical music, singing really isn’t that hard. All you need to do to be “talented”, according to recording industries, is scream at the top of your lungs and do a bunch of scales. Also, you need money. In the music industry, money=talent.
While she doesn’t look “fat”, per se, she has obviously gained some weight. Like, maybe 10-15 lbs. She must have some love handles and a FUPA, which would explain the double-belt and high 80s mom jeans. She doesn’t look “healthy” either. She just looks like she gained a few.
Einstein and Stephen Hawking didn’t record an albums, either (unless you count audiobooks). Paris Hilton will make more money then most of us will in our lifetimes COMBINED, but she’s just a stupid spoiled whore and contributes nothing to society. Being more successful doesn’t make anyone worth more or less and anyone else. Even a factory worker at least works for a living and makes something, contributing to society as a whole. Paris Hilton just goes to parties. Literally, that’s all she does.
February 9th, 2009 at 10:27 pm
I gotta laugh, the sad and ugly little man that wrote this is just pissed off because even if she packed on another 40 pounds Jessica Simpson is better looking than anything he will ever get close to.
Get lost, Gladstone, if the best you can do is pick on a talentless girl, who is far prettier than anything that will ever talk to you, then you need take a long hard look at your “best”.
February 9th, 2009 at 10:18 pm
I fucking love this article. Thank you!
February 9th, 2009 at 10:15 pm
God I miss Gladstone.
February 9th, 2009 at 10:08 pm
What are you guys talking about? These comments are overwhelming positive — not to mention the e-mails from women I’ve received today who found the column encouraging.
February 9th, 2009 at 10:05 pm
It is silly to imply that a person has to have recorded albums in order to comment on the quality of another person’s music. Even though I can’t draw realistic human faces, I can still tell when someone else’s drawing is flawed and doesn’t look right.
That sort of “because you can’t do it, you can’t judge it” logic is useless in an argument. It only takes up space and proves nothing.
February 9th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
Umm, lets see…
Good Looks aren’t everything but they certainly help.
Word is: Val Kilmer is thinking about running for governor of New Mexico. That sounds like a plan B. It worked for Arnold.
Jessica isn’t completely talentless, but she should’ve replaced her manager (Dad) ages ago.
I know I sound petty, but it also seems like there’s a cultural double standard at work here. Not men vs. women. But with how the media is trying to fan the flames of a “OMG Jessica’s fat!” and yet Biance is “bootylicious”. Very minor point, I know.
Lastly (and most importantly): Fabulous work Gladstone. Thank you.
February 9th, 2009 at 9:52 pm
*Standing Ovation*
Indeed.
Still, I don’t think she cares, either. She’s from Texas (she’s from the same zip code as me, actually…) and Texans tend to have a great appreciation for fatty food. Seriously, have you ever had a chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes, and followed it with enchiladas and homemade queso? Then there’s the pie…you have to have pie…
Fuck it. Enough of this salad shit. I’m going back to steaks.
February 9th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
It’s okay Gladstone. Ignore them. We love you (but in the cool way, not the gay way).
Honestly, though, my favorite part about the article is the comments.
Also, I could have sworn that there was an article on this very site about the most annoying commenters on the web? I have to find that.
February 9th, 2009 at 9:32 pm
You people are fucking amazing, You’ve just made Gladstone fat, bald, too white, angry, jealous, hater, black, jew, mexican, murderer and probably child abuser.
All because he has a different opinion.
I love the internet.
February 9th, 2009 at 9:32 pm
I think they are missing the point…there are many people in the entertainment industry who are pretty useless like paris hilton, nicole bitchie, don kno many many more.
you shouldn´t take it so personal it is not as if jessica simpson was the pope…she is just an airhead. maybe she does have alot of money..but unless you can buy a brain these days she is preety much screwed for good.
February 9th, 2009 at 9:32 pm
Good God, she’s fat.
February 9th, 2009 at 9:29 pm
I actually really like what you have to say. Most people seem to be focusing on the fact that, oh no you’ve said something negative about a celebrity going through a ‘crisis’.
I like the fact that you are encouraging people to actually make something of themselves, make their lives more substansual. Its enlightening, rather than promote the trivial crap that is fed into the mushy brains of tweens and teens.
People are blind idiots if the only point they get from this article is only pointing out the fact that Jessica Simpson has gained a little weight (again) and she (attemps to) sing(s) other peoples songs.
My 13 year old sister’s main focus in life is clothes and tween gossip magazines. If she turnes out focused on only her looks, I think I may have to kill her with the fumes of her own nail polish.
February 9th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
I see you’re getting a bit of flak for this article.
I would like to kiss you for it.
February 9th, 2009 at 9:24 pm
I am utterly amazed at how many of these comments are ad homs directed at the author. That the author may not have written/sung an album or isn’t “talented” by whatever specious standards one chooses has NO BEARING on the validity of his points.
To all those responding to the article and attacking the author only by virtue of his “inexperience”: you’re doing it wrong. Learn to argue better, because your arguments only make the lot of us stupider when we read them.
February 9th, 2009 at 9:21 pm
OMGosh, did she blow up or what? Wow!
RT
http://www.anonymity-tools.us.tc
February 9th, 2009 at 9:19 pm
I really liked this article. Whether Jessica Simpson is talentless or not is debatable (although I happen to think she is), but Gladstone’s point is still valid.
February 9th, 2009 at 9:12 pm
You’re a dumb ass. She CAN sing and she STILL is HOT. I’m sure you’re fat belly unattractive self is nothing to brag about. Simpson is a dream girl.
February 9th, 2009 at 9:09 pm
Dude,
Don’t be a playa hater. Yeah, we all know she’s got no talent. But tell me, what do YOU have? What gives YOU the right to talk trash about someone you don’t know? Coz Karma’s a bitch, buddy.
Just because you can (put down someone), doesn’t mean you should (put down someone).
Judge someone and you will be judged.
February 9th, 2009 at 9:09 pm
HAHA who is this hack columnist to call Jessica Simpson talentless? I think she looks great, and she had the drive and talent to make more money in the past 5 years than you ever will in your lifetime. Kind of ironic.
February 9th, 2009 at 8:58 pm
Talentless? How many albums have you recorded?
While she’s not the best actor she is a talented singer.
And I don’t think she’s fat. She looks healthy. She looks normal. I like that.
February 9th, 2009 at 8:56 pm
I think that using Val Kilmer was a bad example of people with no talent. He’s been in multiple movies to where he had great performances, depending upon your taste. Salton Sea, Ghost and the Darkness, The Island of Doctor Moreau, Tombstone (I’ll be your huckleberry), and The Doors to name some of his films I’ve seen. There’s got to be a better actor than he to use here.
February 9th, 2009 at 8:55 pm
Oh god! She’s not fat. I hate how if a celebrity is over 120 lbs they act like she’s such a heifer. Those pants ARE atrocious though.
February 9th, 2009 at 8:55 pm
All women over 130 lbs. should be killed with fire.
Jk! But really, if you have that much money, you should probably consider investing in a personal trainer and a dietary consultant. Unless you just have some major genetics working against you, it shouldn’t be that big a deal to keep your weight in line when you have so much cash to drop on hiring assistants. Not that Jessica’s really all that fat. Sure, she looks kinda crappy in those pictures that have been circulating, but I think that has more to do with those stupid Steve Erkel pants she was wearing than with her actual weight. Really, though, I for one never thought she was that attractive. Something about her face and hair has always put me off. I’m on her side in the whole controversy she’s going through right now though; the media shouldn’t be such a bunch of assholes to celebs. Most celebs may be materialistic, self-centered douches, but really, who isn’t? They don’t deserve all the crap the media gives them.
February 9th, 2009 at 8:48 pm
As a teenage girl, I found this article actually pretty inspiring. In middle school, I was a bit of a chubster but lost most of that weight on the swim
February 9th, 2009 at 8:25 pm
She is a pig and those that deny that are either pigs themselves or chubby chasers.
February 9th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
I don’t think she looks fat, but she may be paving the way for future income. Later, she can always sell NutiSystem or Jenny Craig or Slim Fast with her before and after pictures.
February 9th, 2009 at 8:14 pm
First of all, I would like to say that I respect that you have a voice and you use it but are you using it to the best of your ability? I think articles just like this one do get read and you may get your popularity but you are commenting on a subject you may know nothing about. If you have a voice and use it people are looking up to you no matter if you are on the front page of some magazine or on some website. So when the 13 year old boys and girls are reading this you are teaching them that its okay to make fun of anyone. Its one thing to comment on the people who read the crap and feed in to the whole celebrity scene its another to not only make fun of them but make fun of people just like you and that sends a message. So wouldn’t you be guilty too? Food for thought!
February 9th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
I think you just gave me the ok to go and gorge myself on chocolate and fast food Gladstone. I would kiss you but my mouth is otherwise engaged with tasty, calorie filled delights.
February 9th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
Nice.
Girls, even if you don’t gain 10 pounds, you’ll still age and lose the hordes of horny teenagers (if they stick around, be warned, you can’t sleep with them until they’re 19. Also, 19 year olds may have the hard goods but they’re morons). Having interests, reading books or comic books or blogs or whatever will make you an interesting adult. Interesting adults have sex lives. Stupid adults get used and discarded at 20, used and discarded at 30 and discarded at 40. Then, out of desperation, they become born again Christians and go on crusades trying to get the rest of us to stop having sex lives. Stop this hideous cycle: learn to think critically before the belly expansion and the crows feet take hold.
February 9th, 2009 at 7:59 pm
I don’t like Jessica Simpson, I don’t care for her singing, or her being famous just by being famous. However, she is not fat! Sheesh she’s about the size of Marilyn Monroe. She has curves, and, get this guys, curves=good.
February 9th, 2009 at 7:50 pm
I couldn’t agree more with the article. Attacking her weight is justified when an person entire existence is based on their appearance and there is absolutely no talent involved.
February 9th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
Well, Jessica who? Ah, I got it. So, yeah. I prefer to be fat and happy with myself while working in whatever I want than having a nice body, depending on it, and bawwing when I lose this.
February 9th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
She’s still sexy. She’s not fat yet, she’s at that happy in-between weight that gives you tits and an ass but doesn’t make your stomach look like you’re smuggling bowling balls and tubs of lard.
She does need a better set of threads, though.
February 9th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
She’s not fat, you’re a moron.
February 9th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
Sheesh. So she went straight from Jailbait to MILF. She’s still “Hotter than YOU ™.”
I think that’s the problem. All these celebrity editors are jealous that they have no chance to achieve that kind of hotness, not even “Fat Jessica” hot.
February 9th, 2009 at 7:21 pm
i’m not sure which is more pathetic. the concept of this article or the preceeding comments posted that actually mull over it.
February 9th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
She rode her (airhead) wave of fame with the way she fit into short shorts for The Dukes of Hazzard. Now that she’s porking out she should step aside for all the others in shape to take her place.
As a porker - she is truly forgetable.
February 9th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
Yeah.. I agree. Somehow, I think she’ll be off the screen if she doesn’t get back in shape. The old men will go: ‘Where’re you, Britney?’
But still, it isn’t enough of an excuse to shorten my life span by getting fatter. =\
February 9th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
She’s on the cover of People this week saying “Don’t call me fat!”, but I am betting money that in, say, three weeks she’ll be back on the cover proclaiming: “I’m not fat any more! (How she did it!)” while wearing a bikini.
Blerg.
February 9th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
Wow, this was actually quite… good.
Witty, applicable and well thought out. Something I’d actually refer people to..
G-Stone, man, what the hell?
February 9th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
What is “combination skin”? Is it something french people get from not bathing?
February 9th, 2009 at 6:18 pm
Amen, Gladstone
February 9th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
Still would fuck her.
February 9th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
Obbop: Fond as you are of the frankly embarrassing phrase “daffy dames” - using it both here and on your blog - it doesn’t really serve to cover up the fact that you don’t cite any studies to support your conclusions that women are vacuous (or that they use cell-phones more, which would prove exactly nothing either way).
As far as I am aware, IQ is distributed more or less evenly between the genders, with a greater standard deviation for men - meaning that the smartest people in the world are most likely men, as are the stupidest.
Is there some other qualification for being a functioning adult? As a young woman growing up with highly intelligent and qualified female role models, I struggle to see what point you’re making, or indeed if it’s true why on earth it’s necessary for you to make it. If we’re so stupid, let that stupidity hold us back.
February 9th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
So true… so many struggling artists out there with true talent - even naturally hot ones - why is this bulldog-faced, fat tramp even worthy of interest?
February 9th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
she still looks good! 10 pounds? wtf is this discussion for? btw there`re a looot of hot girls here that can`t become famous like she did, i think you are missing the point. it`s not just beauty vs talent, there`s a thing called charisma and she has it
February 9th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
She’s still pretty slim, actually. I’d be amazed if she’s over a size twelve. She may be ‘fat’ for Hollywood, but she’s certainly not fat on any medical scale.
I think the term would be ‘attractively plump’, particularly given how tight her arse obviously still is.
But otherwise, good article, G-stone. Always freaks me out to see something with an Aesop posted on this site, but as long as it’s still funny, I cheer.
P.
February 9th, 2009 at 5:53 pm
Very well said, as always.
February 9th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
You, sir, are a genius. <3
On the comment Obama made about her:
I really don’t think he was making fun of her, just stating what the magazine suggested. Which is why he said, “apparently” at the end of his sentence.
February 9th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
1. Great article.
2. I still think she’s hot.
3. So long as she doesn’t talk. Good lord she’s dumb. Or just so much of a sellout that she’s willing to let everyone think she’s that dumb for a PR boost. Which is equally unattractive.
February 9th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
You just solved the economic crisis. Well played.
February 9th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
Thank you! I wish more people thought like this. But alas, the world is filled with idiots.
February 9th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
Females should only be allowed a limited role in adult society.
For their own good and for society’s good.
There are excellent reasons why females were denied the vote until 1920 and why there are societies today that still prohibit the daffy dames from affecting society with their emotion-laden addle-mindedness.
Heck, with the extent so many daffy dames have a cell phone glued to their vacuous head it is surprising as many of the dames even remember to vote in the numbers they do.
February 9th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
you know, i bet she’d look skinnier if she wasn’t wearing the up-to-my-boobs style grandma jeans. so maybe hip huggers aren’t the way to go, but mimicking senior citizen fashion trends is only going to draw more attention to where you don’t want it…
February 9th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
Great article. Absolutely true.
February 9th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
Someone should hand out copies of this article to every middle school girl in the world.
February 9th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
I dis agree with John Taube’s comment. I think his wife is a delightful woman who, one you get past her bristly exterior, has a heart of gold. That’s why I spend so much time with her.
She says ‘hi’ John.
Oh, and Mrs. glendoor42, don’t be jealous, baby. You’re still the number one woman in my life… after my own wife, of course, and if you’re reading this, honey (my wife), all of the preceding is just a joke. That’s all, just a joke. Certainly no reason to open the confidential files on my hard drive to check out the e-ticket receipts from various airlines.
I have enough on my hands without adding Jessica Simpson to the mix.
February 9th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
AMEN!
February 9th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Thank you for not missing the point, as so many in the media do on a consistent basis.
And frankly, Jessica Simpson doesn’t look that bad. If she really was highly talented, no one would give two craps about her minor weight gain. I mean, look at Jennifer Hudson. She is by no means skinny, but you don’t hear a bunch of people giving her a hard time about it.
February 9th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
I love you AND Val Kilmer. Don’t hate me. And I’m fatter than Jessica Simpson. But I have better hair.
February 9th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
And Jessica Simpsaon has really ugly clothes on. They may be a reason she looks so fat. I mean, no self-respect female with a better than average body has their jeans come anywhere NEAR their belly-button *shudders*.
February 9th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
I’d still fuck her too; I just might promise her a used unicorn instead of a new one now. I ain’t buyin’ Travis Tritt tickets for anyone.
February 9th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
This. Was. Fantastic.
February 9th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
Bravo!
February 9th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
I love you HBN
February 9th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
You make a lot of good points vis-a-vis her looks as compared to her lack of intelligence/talent and what girls should be shooting for, but the fact still remains that she’s a human being, and a woman, and this backlash against 10 or 15 extra pounds is indicative of a whole hell of a lot of social problems in this country. You can point out Val Kilmer’s weight gain and its correlation to his recent lack of work, but social constructs of beauty how they relate to a person’s worth are a lot different for men and women, which is something most guys just can’t understand.
Fat men, even talentless ones, can still get work in Hollywood. Women who are even just slightly overweight (even underweight but untoned) will be ridiculed and cast out until they’re acceptable again, and even then, people will still focus on their looks. And even in the real world, most people won’t bother to find out how inwardly perfect and intelligent a girl is if she’s overweight. It sucks, but that’s how things go until somebody figures out how to change it.
February 9th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
I still like to masturbate to Jessica Simpson,heavy or not.
She’s way hotter than that ugly skank of a wife I’m stuck with.
February 9th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
I think she was already married on that “jailbait” picture.
And you couldn’t have tricked her into sex either, becuase she was “saving it for marriage.”
Anyway, it doesn’t matter how much weight she gains, she will always have a horrible flat ass. You can’t fill your Daisy Dukes properly with that.
February 9th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
I like this post a lot.
But.
There is a point to be made (Puranjay Singh already put it pretty well) about our genetic gifts here. We have been conditioned to value intelligence from early childhood - we’re placed into education in which academic intelligence is the core, if not the only, value we work toward.
So beauty - and yeah, it usually is female beauty - is treated like a “lesser” gift. It’s supposed to be superficial, despite the fact that it’s just as genetic as intelligence, and there’s little we can do about it.
Yes, it sucks that women should have to use their looks to get ahead more than men, and we do. Yes, it would be preferable if beauty and intelligence were appreciated equally, irrespective of gender. But they’re not. And I feel like we look down on attractiveness because we see it as a female trait.
February 9th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Well said, sir. Thank-you.
Now the important thing for US to do is actually support the talented people who are less ‘attractive’ in film and music.
Does anyone honestly think that Led Zeppelin or the Beatles could have gotten record contracts today? Who cares how much Zep could wail or how likable the Beatles songs are, they were unattractive dudes and now that everyone is auto-tracked all that execs think we want is people who are pretty and can listen to their choreographers.
February 9th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
Haha, what a wonderful, moral-filled article. Not something we’d normally find on Cracked.
Am I the only one who thinks Jessica Simpson looks much hotter now than she ever did?
February 9th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
Man, hell yeah! Preach, brother! Preach!
God, I need to shave my arms.
February 9th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Good article.
Homework - Name more than five women on TV (starting with shows for tweeners, on up to Golden Girls) that have accomplished something.
All night raves, getting knocked up at 15 and got smiled at by the milkman does not count.
February 9th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
I’d fuck her, still.
February 9th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
Yeah that whole Obama calling Jessica fat thing isn’t true. He was just reading the fucking cover of the magazine. Jesus guys.
February 9th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
Hurrah!
A person who actually looks beyond the web that fashion and expectations has woven around society.
February 9th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Fucken-A, Stone.
February 9th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
This is exactly what I’ve been thinking since this whole stupid jessica simpson thing started. Glad to see that there’s some intelligence roaming around out there.
February 9th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
again i say why cant everybody just leave everybody alone
February 9th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
I agree with everything you said Gladstone, and it’s nice to see a guy with a brain who realizes what’s actually important. That said, I still don’t think Jessica Simpson is even close to being fat. She’s more the victim of bad clothing choices, like those stupid belts and the high-waisted “mom” jeans. But, like Judge Judy said, “Beauty fades, dumb is forever.”
February 9th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
but in ur defense i wouldnt wanna be like her so you do make a really great point
February 9th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
that was a verbal bitch-slap. well played gladstone…
February 9th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
rascal flatts is a country band before i begin just wanted to let u know that and thanks to the nation gettin on her about her weight the bitch is ruining country music now grrrr lol i never liked jessica simpson but i think people should just leave her alone i mean whats the big deal jesus are we so bored with our lives that we have to worry about others come on now i mean yea all she has going for her is her looks but that dont mean everyone had to obsess over it i mean its pointless what does anyone gain from making fun of her in her defense if ur not famous and ur making fun of her im sure she sleeps just fine at night knowing she makes more money than you so really by saying all that ur just conforming to society and following what they think
February 9th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
That was strangely inspiring. Thanks for the great article.
February 9th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Great point, I like how you didn’t butcher it and slowly got to the meat of the issue.
February 9th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
whatever u’re saying, the sexy looking are always in the focus!! know what, she really should be famous on the tall dating site __Tallloving.com__ for dating~ ,seems it’s such a waste being here!!lol…..
February 9th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
Providing further evidence that Jessica Simpson is a talentless manatee, she forgot her lyrics, shit her dukes, and broke down in tears at a recent concert, opening for Rascal Flatts at the Van Andel Arena in Grand Rapids, MI. Google News it.
@Singh. That’s really perceptive comparing Bill Gates and Jessica Simpson. I’m sure the perception people have of them has nothing to do with their relative value to society, right? Dukes of Hazard = Windows XP?
“Mexico is mine bitches!”
-Val Kilmer
February 9th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Jenna, I sincerely hope you were not quoting that article for truth. If you were, you might want to hit the gym, because G-Stone’s article was about YOU!
February 9th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Purangay: average brains indeed.
Who said it’s “wrong” for a good looking chick to exploit her good looks? I don’t know anyone that does, other than “moral” puritans who think showing any skin is evil.
Likewise, I know no one who hails Bill Gates as a “hero” because he’s smart and rich. That’s what he is, he’s smart, and rich. He’s not a hero.
No one suggests that hot girls are worthless or bad role models because they’re hot girls; they’re worthless if they have no value as a person. If they have no reason to be considered a role model, it isn’t because they’re good looking and proud of it, it’s because they don’t bring anything to the table as a person to warrant modeling your life after them.
But the comparison between looks and intelligence is really pointless to begin with. Looks are superficial, they’re genetics, they do nothing other than make you physically attractive. You can do a whole lot more with high intelligence than you can with great looks, as in, actually contribute something to the world and society and science, other than just look good.
February 9th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Jessica Simpson is a millionaire. She also has over 160 IQ.
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2004/07/21/DDGP17O6DR1.DTL
She may not have gotten rich the same way as Bill Gates, but she did achieve more money and fame than 99.9% of us will see in a lifetime. And frankly I think she is smart enough not to care what anyone thinks.
February 9th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
HAHAHA! That’s hilarious. But I appreciate the actual undertone that your using utilizing in your writing
author: Under what? Under wear? Iso-toners?
Me: No, the message, the moral of the story.
author: I have no morals if that’s what your insinuating.
Me: just….nevermind.
anyway…seriously kudos to getting the word out. It is great to strive to be physically fit and healthy. But being smart, ambitious, healthy (not skeletal thin) and funny are more important.
February 9th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
She’s considered FAT? Uh . . . . whatever, y’all.
February 9th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
@ holythegoalie:
huh? beauty takes no work and takes care of itself?
It would be interesting to see how many more hours these celebrities put into exercise, cosmetic application, hair treatment, etc etc. than your average person. Sure it’s not noble work like (most) intellectual pursuits, but it’s still work.
February 9th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
This is a great piece.
February 9th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Hell, people who were born dumb but *athletic* are far more likely to be able to make an actual contribution to society.
All of this ignoring the fact that nobody is born irrevocably predisposed to be a complete idiot or genius. Nature and genetics may point you in one direction or the other, but that’s a suggestion, not a mandate.
February 9th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
I agree with you, Puranjay Singh - people shouldn’t be dismissive of someone who made it on their looks - but I would argue that if Bill Gates made a series of really stupid comments/decisions that went public (essentially the mental equivalent of Jessica Simpsons fall from grace) he would be equally lambasted in the media. So in that sense there isn’t a real discrepancy between brains and beauty. Once you become famous, it’s really about society’s expectations of you, based on your past behavior/accomplishments.
February 9th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
No, people with naught but good looks are considered worthless because they [i]have no worth.[/i] They contribute little to nothing to the world [i]around[/i] them, regardless of their personal successes. Were Jessica Simpson to die at this very moment, as you were reading this, would the world be deprived of a potential scientific breakthrough or inspirational work of art?
Possibly, yes, but it’s pretty unlikely it’d be her fault.
February 9th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Puranjay– Gladstone’s not saying that Simpson was wrong in using her looks to get by–he’s saying that if you are going to use your looks as your primary source of income, you had best figure out a Plan B for the time when those looks invariably begin to go. Sure she was pretty, but Simpson was and still is a talentless person, who didn’t figure out a sideline for the day her first spider veins appeared. Compare that to Natalie Portman or Jennifer Connelly, who both have completed their degrees in fields separate from the entertainment industry.
February 9th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
Puranjay:
When you’re born pretty, you have put absolutely zero effort into trading off of your fabulous good looks. They’re there, and aside from learning how to put makeup on or what conditioner to use, the looks take care of themselves.
When you’re born smart, you still have to get those skills to materialize. You have to make use of your intelligence, which takes a hell of a lot more work than simply looking good.
How many beautiful idiots are there in the world? A lot, because it’s not hard. How many lazy really successful smart people are there? Not nearly as many, because it’s easier to be lazy, sit on your couch, and not live up to the mental potential that you’ve got.
February 9th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
“Bill Gates was born a genius, and he used his brains to become mega rich. And he is hailed as a hero because of that..”
You obviously don’t read slashdot.
February 9th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
This is a SPECTACULAR article. Bravisimo!
February 9th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
I wonder how long it will take until chris crocker does a “LEAVE JESSICA ALOOOONE!” video.
February 9th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
Here’s a thought:
Why do you think its considered “wrong” if a person born with good looks exploits that to gain wealth/fame/power, and “right” when a person born with good brains exploits that to gain the aforementioned things?
Bill Gates was born a genius, and he used his brains to become mega rich. And he is hailed as a hero because of that, even though he only used what was given to him by birth.
On the other hand, Jessica Simpson was born beautiful, and she used her body/looks to become famous and rich. But she is denounced as a woman without substance and an unfit role model, even though she too used only what was given to her by birth.
By that logic, its okay to use your given-by-birth brains, but not okay to use your given-by-birth body and looks.
Why?
Because the world social order is controlled by people who have brains, not looks, and thus, it is bent in favor of those who are intelligent, not necessarily good looking.
I think its time we reevaluate our ideals; we’re being major hypocrites in not doing so.
Oh and btw, this comes from an average looking short guy with average brains…
February 9th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
Love it LOVE it love it lol
February 9th, 2009 at 11:56 am
Be honest, everyone. If you saw the new Jessica at the supermarket, what would you really think? Would whale jokes ensue? If she blocked the aisle, would you say, “excuse me, fat lady?” It’s all about context.
February 9th, 2009 at 11:56 am
Uncle B wee you rying to mock the Femenazi Hippie Dyke stereotype or not? Your post was so dead on it could be sarcasm or it could be dogma… still can’t tell…
February 9th, 2009 at 11:50 am
Like most young people in American today, girls are stuffed with hormone laced, antibiotic laced fatty meats and tainted milk from birth. They grow up fast, ready to breed before a mature mind develops by design, and quite sexually delightful for a very short time as planned, in the prime breeding age to make stupid little soldiers! This is by design and Hollywood’s wishes, they are supposed to unwittingly the factories and the Military/industrial complex with bodies! Mindless, stupid, easily exploited, workers and cannon fodder soldiers for the Oil barons war games! Once they fall from sexual grace, designed to be soon after breeding, they must go to work in industry to generate taxes to support the uber-rich investor class, who don’t by the way, eat the tainted meats, milk or high additive foods, and who’s offspring develop mentally before sexually and get useful educations! G d planned it that way, you can’t change it, and I am from the ruling class, stockholder coupon clipper class and I want it to stay that way so it will. Remember: I get the vote at the stockholders meeting, the one that counts! You don’t!
February 9th, 2009 at 11:39 am
Haruhi, SABBATICAL.
And we shall see…
February 9th, 2009 at 11:34 am
So, is gladstone back for a while now?
If so, his leave was a little overhyped.
February 9th, 2009 at 11:21 am
yep, this is so true
February 9th, 2009 at 11:20 am
Dugg! Great article. I only wished I hadn’t clicked that obnoxious, shitrag of a website’s link.
February 9th, 2009 at 11:10 am
Thank you for this! You got it exactly right!
February 9th, 2009 at 11:07 am
See, here’s some common sense that should be taught in school.
Bravo
/Val, what happened to you man? jesus
February 9th, 2009 at 11:04 am
Let us not forget Ashley Simpson. Her music career was absolutely the WORST. (Terrible songs, booed at the Orange Bowl, caught lip-synching on SNL, being a huge C***!)
February 9th, 2009 at 10:46 am
WHAT UP WIT IT G-DAWG, we love you
February 9th, 2009 at 10:38 am
Let’s give credit where credit is due here. J Simp has an objectively strong singing voice. But I agree, the way she was marketed obscured that and turned her into naught but blond hair, boobs and bum cheeks.
February 9th, 2009 at 10:27 am
They say that “genius” is when you say or do something incredibly obvious, but it sounds like something you’ve never heard before. Gladstone–You are a genius!
February 9th, 2009 at 10:27 am
I always thought she was kind of odd looking, but I think her face actually looks better now. But for god’s sake, get the girl some low rise jeans. Mom Jeans would make anyone look fat. And they do her ass no favors. Other than the pants, she’s fine.
Also, Gladstone, your advice is right fucking on. I’m a little surprised - mostly because I come to cracked for dick jokes, but I dug it.
February 9th, 2009 at 10:26 am
Does ‘Kiss Kiss Bang Bang’ count as a block buster?
February 9th, 2009 at 10:24 am
The inability of people to comprehend both context, truth and humour on the NBC link made my orifices bleed. As for this pseudo-advice humour column there are few made truer. Well done.
February 9th, 2009 at 10:24 am
Why is it that we never see tabloid stories like “Bafflingly popular singer Jessica Simpson fails utterly at acting as well”?
February 9th, 2009 at 10:23 am
Ah, Jessica Simpson. That was a fine ass, once upon a time.
Nonetheless, I am glad that she seems comfortable enough in herself to not want to starve herself stupid trying to fit Hollywood’s ideals of her. And that article about Obama supposedly mocking her weight gain…
Wow, America, why in hell are you so damn jumpy? He wasn’t mocking her weight AT ALL. He was READING THE COVER. He might have thought it mildly amusing that he had been knocked off the cover for Jessica Simpson’s rather healthy weight, but nowhere did I detect any kind of resentment of fat people.
Jesus. I get so annoyed at the gossip rags sometimes; they’ll call anyone fat till the cows come home, and then try and bash someone for even mentioning the same person’s weight, even in passing…
February 9th, 2009 at 10:11 am
This article should be published everywhere. It’s so important for girls to hear this kind of thing other than from the same idiotic magazines featuring gorgeous brain-dead models and articles that go something like: “love yourself, be who you are! … but hey, check out this new makeup…”. It means something to hear this from a man.
Thanks G-Stone.
February 9th, 2009 at 10:08 am
I think she looks better with a bit of meat on her.
My meat.
February 9th, 2009 at 10:04 am
“redneck soccer mom”
What? She is not sexy.
February 9th, 2009 at 10:01 am
Dude, I so owe you a big frickin’ hug. What a great article.
February 9th, 2009 at 9:57 am
Agreed Panzer, but being a doe-eyed stunner was her thing. Her only thing.
February 9th, 2009 at 9:51 am
panzer-stier ross, Fucking eh!
February 9th, 2009 at 9:32 am
Hell yes Gladstone! Inspire women to be interesting! A date might be worth going on if you keep it up G-Man!
February 9th, 2009 at 9:29 am
she doesn’t look fat, she just looks less like a doe-eyed stunner and more like a redneck soccer mom.
February 9th, 2009 at 9:25 am
Great article! The only downside is that I almost got infected by the extreme stupidity in the comments section from that Obama link. I had to stop after reading a few because I could actually feel a migraine forming just by reading them.
February 9th, 2009 at 9:18 am
I don’t know, I would have settled for calling her fat. But that’s probably because I, like many men, would have settled for calling her hot back when she was.
February 9th, 2009 at 9:15 am
Great article. Funny and insightful. You are wise beyond your years, Gladstone.
February 9th, 2009 at 8:52 am
*slow clap* *standing o*
So SO true.
And christ so easy and obvious;
Emulate people with WORTH and VALUE who make contributions to society and the arts.
I love you Gladstone. I love you hard.
February 9th, 2009 at 8:52 am
I went to Cracked this morning, saw this article staring and me and a picture of Batman and Robin making out. It was an epic two-minute struggle to decide which one to look at first but, in the end, your OVERWHELMING magnetism won out. And it was worth it.
By the way, Val Kilmer may not be in any movies as of late but, apparently, he’s looking more at politics than anything else.
February 9th, 2009 at 8:25 am
You are an evil man Gladstone…
February 9th, 2009 at 8:25 am
Is it weird that this really made me feel good about myself? Gladstone, let’s just have babies already.
February 9th, 2009 at 8:22 am
Perfect.
February 9th, 2009 at 8:19 am
Am I the only one who thinks she still looks good? I still don’t like her face, though.
Gladstone’s point still applies, though. It’s not Hollywood-good looks anymore, and if that’s all you’ve got…
February 9th, 2009 at 8:12 am
Good article Gladstone. I’m a woman and basically agree with a lot of what you said. I still kind of like Jessica Simpson (just because anyone who can build a temporary empire out of stupidity is pretty smart in my book), but you’re definitely right in saying that if all of her marketability depends on her body, then when that goes…yeah. So nice job Gladstone. *two thumbs up*
February 9th, 2009 at 8:04 am
That Obama link is hilarious- the outrage in the comments especially.
“Barack Obama said “she is in a weight battle, apparently.” after looking at a magazine cover about her weight battle.”
“Barack Obama said she’s losing a weight battle? What a cock!”
“What’s that you say? Barack Obama punched Jessica Simpson in the face?”
“And her elderly mother?!? The USSA starts here people!”
Like that Extras episode.
February 9th, 2009 at 7:47 am
I’ve always thought the ol’ B-Streisand looked more like a puppy dog with that hairstyle but that’s just my take.
Also, I’m really digging this serious message about inner beauty and intelligence and all that.
February 9th, 2009 at 7:26 am
nice one!!
I guess some people know
what really matters…
thanks…
that made me feel better!!
HAHAHAH!
February 9th, 2009 at 7:23 am
Oh, Gladstone, you’re the distant, looming figure of idolatry that I can never measure up to that I never had. Every column you’ve written since leaving Cracked has filled me with indescribable joy (and a deep sense of inadequacy).
February 9th, 2009 at 7:18 am
Classy as always, G-Stone. Loved the read, and it’s always a pleasure to read someone who can properly express common sense.