Cracked just posted our second call for interns in the forum, and that means one important thing: All previous models must go! In the interest of fairness, I’ve decided to stage a contest that will hopefully give the new interns an idea of exactly what a Cracked internship is all about, as well as give the old ones a fighting chance to survive.
***
“You’re probably wondering why I called you here today, interns,” I greeted them as I always do - naked from the waist up with my current emotion finger-painted onto my bare chest. Today I was “coy.”
“No, sir,” replied Wheeler, our only female intern and coincidentally, our most stalked, “it said on the memo that there was to be a fight to the death. That was really funny!” She giggled coquettishly, which is a kind of pastry I believe. She really was quite pastry-like, now that I think about it.
“That wasn’t a joke, Wheeler. I have good news and bad news for you. The good news is you’ll all have a fair shot at keeping your jobs and, by extension, your lives. The bad news is this hammer,” I said taking my Bad News Hammer down from its mounting place on the wall above my desk, “which I will kill one of you with today in the grand Viking tradition.”
“That’s…really not legal,” Meyers interjected, his boyish good looks and shining white teeth glinting like stars in the evening sky “and I don’t think it’s historically accurate.”
“Meyers, God love you son,” I replied, locking the doors behind them, “but if I wanted your opinion I would beat it out of you.”
“Plus, I think the internship just ends in a week and we go home. Nobody gets fired in the first place,” added Stowalski, his stupid face trembling from trying to contain all that stupidity.
“Listen, whining won’t appease the hammer, fellas. It’s like my grandpa always said: If something’s worth doing, it’s worth doing to the death. So let’s get down to the rules. This contest will consist of three competitions, each reflecting a task that a typical Cracked intern would be asked to do in an average workday. You will be judged on accuracy, style and skill. BEGIN!” I screamed, mounting my desk and holding Bad News aloft.
There was a long moment of silence as the interns looked about awkwardly.
“Begin what?” Wheeler ventured.
“The first contest! Cracked interns are frequently asked to find images for our understated yet brilliant columns. So your first challenge is: Find me the craziest photo of Gary Busey in existence. You have five minutes.”
There was a flurry of abs, and the soft bouncing of breasts as Meyers and Wheeler burst into motion. Stowalski just sat down at a computer like the retarded bastard that he was.
Five minutes later, I examined the first results.
Stowalski
“This is rather disappointing, Stowalski. Sure, it’s crazy, but it’s a little obvious, don’t you think? If there’s one value that Cracked embodies, it is the subtle, understated grace of a billion swans making sweet love to heavily sedated ballerinas.”
Stowalski took it pretty hard, just like his mom does every night.
“FROM MY DICK,” I added triumphantly.
It mattered little that I didn’t speak the setup to that joke aloud; I could see he was impressed by my wit from the fleeting terror in his eyes as I swung my hammer around in celebration.
Wheeler
“Excellent work, Wheeler!” I said, attempting to rub her buttocks, which I had just decided was a perfectly acceptable congratulatory gesture, “the dull gleam in the eyes, the unnaturally large smile and the mere hint of fury. This is beautiful work. You truly are a triumph of both breasts and brains!”
I could tell she was interested by the way she slapped me and told me in no uncertain terms that she was not now, nor would she ever be interested from now until the end of time.
Meyers
“Good job, Meyers! Making out with a monkey accurately illustrates the frightening instability of the notorious Busey. But…perhaps it’s a little overwrought? It speaks of a kind of desperation on your part which could only be eased by 46 minutes of sensual rubbing from your superiors,” I suggested, seductively pantomiming some extremely lewd groping at him.
I could tell he was flattered by the way he started to cry a little.
“The second contest! Cracked interns will frequently have to research some disturbing, horrifying material as fodder for the shining brilliance of our articles. Find me…the best examples of Quantum Leap Slash Fiction on the Internet!”
As they hurried at their tasks, I passed the five minutes by drumming “Another One Bites The Dust” on Stowalski’s head. I hope the subtle foreshadowing was not lost on him.
Wheeler
Sam rose from the couch and approached me with a positively predatory look on his face. “Now that’s the Admiral I know and love. I figured it out after the leap into that bar. I just had to get back to the beginning. If I could fix the retrieval program from the beginning, then I could trigger it myself when I was ready to come home. And, Al, I’m really ready to be home.”
Sam leaned down and took my face in his hands. “Hey, kid. I love you too.”
We joined together in a deep kiss, the kind that rocks you to the base of your soul. I felt myself growing hard as Sam moved to kiss my neck. My voice was rough as spoke. “Did you lock the door?”
Sam practically purred. “Oh yeah. I also got Ziggy to lock out the security systems while you weren’t looking.”
I showed my appreciation by kicking over her desk; women love a forceful man, I am told.
Meyers
Al liked to love Sam most in the quiet hours of the morning, just before dawn crept over the skies. In those moments of peace, every touch of Al’s hand and movement of his body loosed a symphony from Sam’s skin. Sam’s body held a richness of history, of experience, of unrivaled intelligence and profound love and loss. It was more than words, more than music, more than any image or thought. It was the very element of Sam, basic and abstract at the same time.
And in those moments, Al could thank him for the gift of his love.
Stowalski
A breeze whispered through the apartment, filling it with the scent of salt water and romance. Sam didn’t know who he was, but recognized the man who pulled him onto his lap: Stephen Baldwin. Like all the brothers, he was handsome with an infectious grin. He rubbed Sam’s stomach, licked his face.
“I could just eat you up…”
Suddenly, his fingernails dug into Sam’s belly, breaking the skin, as his teeth shredded the flesh of Sam’s cheek.
“Now the final contest! Though our Photoshop skills are legendary, we writers are frequently overcome by the awesome sex-cocaine parties that we all totally have all the time,” I said, gesturing to the cocoa powder I had ingeniously left all over my desk as evidence, “we don’t always have time to Photoshop, so sometimes you’ll have to do it for us. For your last challenge: Bring me a Photoshop of famous inventor Nikola Tesla spliced with a bear!”
As they sprang into motion, I took the opportunity to practice the killing blow by swinging my hammer repeatedly just inches from Stowalski’s face. I wondered if he got the hint.
Wheeler
“Masterful, Wheeler! The cuteness offsets the deadly danger inherent to the Tesla Bear. It sets our hearts aflutter, as it cramps our balls with terror. Truly great,” I went to give her a congratulatory buttock rub, but reconsidered after she punched me half a dozen times in the crotch. Something told me this was just not the right time.
Meyers
“Not bad, Meyers. But nothing special. While I do appreciate the massive creepiness of the face you chose, it’s just a little bland,” I informed him gently, flipping him off with one hand while pointing to the finger with the other. I wanted to make sure he didn’t miss the intricacies of my constructive criticism.
Stowalski
“God. Damn. It. Stowalski. You useless motherfucker! You screw up every task I give you, and just when I think you can’t get any more useless…you go and do something completely awesome like this! You thought outside the box, Stowalski! You’re a rebel which no oppressive box may contain! I cannot, in good conscience, murder you like a feed cattle right here in this office after this,” Stowalski let out a sigh of relief, his stupid bovine nostrils breathing out his stupid breath everywhere. “I may not like you, but I recognize greatness when I see it.”
“Meyers, I’m sorry” I said, wiping the word ‘coy’ off my chest and quickly painting in ‘bloodrage.’
“I’m really distraught about this decision, and afterward I’m going to go out and get hammered to kill the pain. I just wanted to say I’m sorry once more; I hate to repeat myself, but I really wanted to hammer that point home. It’s just that Wheeler really nailed this contest, and Stowalski murdered you with a hammer in that final round,” I could tell he appreciated my dilemma by the way he cursed my name and fled for the door.
***
Sometimes I miss those pearly white teeth, shining like a lighthouse in the fog, guiding me through the dense miasma of agony that is this mundane world. And it’s times like that when I take out the necklace I made from those teeth and rub them, and I think of Meyers.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 11th, 2009 at 3:07 am and is filed under Cracked, Interns, Murder Most Foul, murder. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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October 7th, 2009 at 11:08 pm
Ohh man! I nearly died of laughter when I saw the koala bear with lightning bolts of doom radiating from its head! That is awesome!
September 16th, 2009 at 11:47 am
I barely made it past the second paragraph before I LOL’d a pair of keys and a half eaten pop tart. I don’t think any man can write this well. Are you shark? Or man-shark? A msharnak?
July 9th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
Was the slash fiction real? o_0
July 9th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
Whenever I hear/read/think of Brockway’s name, I immediately think “Oggway and North Haverbrook”…
March 4th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
i suck too
March 4th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
fucking amazing.. i know u wanted to put the hammer to stowalski, but myers had to go.. its okay man we all have to make tough descions
February 20th, 2009 at 11:50 am
Brockway you’re awesome… Fucking genius man.
February 19th, 2009 at 5:13 am
Man, I love reading your stuff!! You are what David Wong used to be, really! You write in the line of John Cheese, and he is one of my favourite online-comedy-writers of all time, serious! GJDM!!
February 18th, 2009 at 5:42 pm
[...] week’s Cracked column is up over here, wherein I kill a promising young student for really just no reason at all. If you support [...]
February 17th, 2009 at 9:33 pm
Wheeler really kinda sucked; I thought she should have lost
February 17th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
This is the funniest thing I’ve ever read, you should write more like this XD
February 17th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
I, too, was convinced that this was also written by DOB. You might have to murder him next, to be sure you have no more competition as Funniest Cracked Blogger.
February 16th, 2009 at 11:49 pm
jezzus that is the funniest shit ive ever read on cracked
February 16th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
The life of a Cracked employee seems like fun. You know, the way the life of a bank robber would be fun.
February 15th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
HA! i love it. Very remnant of a kind of Matt Maiellaro and UCB put together. i like your style
February 15th, 2009 at 5:00 am
Someone is advertising for an online rich dating site “^^^^millionaireloves com^^^^” I have just read the news on the rich women seeking soul mate club millionaireloves.com advertisers you need to stop! Millionaireloves.com is a controvercial site for high quality singles!!
February 14th, 2009 at 9:07 am
I totally want to hear how Another one Bites the Dust souds like in some ones head, i ‘ll go get my cat.
February 14th, 2009 at 2:07 am
I’ve never posted a comment here before, but this made me laugh so freakin’ hard, I had to!! That was hilariously awesome!!! The funniest thing I’ve ever read on here.
February 14th, 2009 at 12:32 am
This is probably the funniest cracked article I have read. My only complaint is that you misspelled “Nikola Tesla”
February 13th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Where do you want your internet delivered, Brockway?
February 13th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
aha! great stuff man. DOB does it well, but this was just over his stuff in the same genre.
February 13th, 2009 at 7:49 am
Fucking hilarious! XD
February 12th, 2009 at 10:33 pm
That was HILARIOUS!!!
February 12th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
The I Fight Robots link at the bottom is fantastic. I didn’t click on it, but the way you described it, I probably would if I was in prison for kitten rape and had 35 years to kill.
February 12th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
Dude, you are absolutley amazing. I used to skim your articles and “meh” most of them but the recent ones are fucking amazing. Will you marry me?
February 12th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
funny i will uploaded this to tall dating site—Tallmingle.com— to share with my best friends,especially the hot models.
February 12th, 2009 at 10:07 am
The call is now up in the writer’s workshop thread in the forums, look in the lounge. I look forward to molesting you both mentally and physically!
Maybe even spiritually! I’m figuring stuff out!
February 12th, 2009 at 3:59 am
You magnificent bastard.
February 12th, 2009 at 3:43 am
What the hell? There’s some kind of a test to be a cracked writer? I thought you just randomly picked funny looking hobos from the stree- I mean, Internet.
February 12th, 2009 at 2:27 am
A koala bear’s head surgically attached to a tesla coil IS brilliant.
February 12th, 2009 at 2:23 am
My office has a small swarm of awesome interns, and I am so sending this to them. Funny stuff, Brockway!
February 12th, 2009 at 12:48 am
That was freakin hilarious! Also, ironically, really made me want to intern at Cracked…
February 12th, 2009 at 12:06 am
I love these “around the office” blog posts. Whether it’s DOB, Brock or G-Stone they’ve all been consistently good.
February 11th, 2009 at 11:37 pm
When did internet comedy become The Highlander? I take it you haven’t read the comments on the early HBNs. It’s a well-known fact that Gladstone killed Lexx to take his place as the guy who makes videos for Cracked. And now obviously Swaim has killed Gladstone for that privilege. An epic confrontation between you and DOB is, at this point, inevitable.
Also, fantastic article.
February 11th, 2009 at 10:52 pm
I just shit in Thor’s pants, too. Sorry Thor. My bad.
February 11th, 2009 at 10:06 pm
I think I just soiled myself from laughing too hard.
February 11th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
I enjoyed this article, but I had to note the overwhelming tendency toward DOB-mentions in the comments. I just had to say–and don’t take this the wrong way, or any way at all since it is totally out of context–”Gladstone.”
That is all.
February 11th, 2009 at 9:14 pm
Great, now my girlfriend thinks I’m nuts for laughing (very hard) while alone in the living room.
Funniest thing I’ve read in a really long time, great job!
February 11th, 2009 at 9:03 pm
…I want to add my name to the list of people who have fallen in love with you.
Except I’m a guy. So I can’t do that, because that would be gay. So, uhm.
Great post, uh, dude. Why don’t we, uhm, have a … a beer sometime and … do manly stuff like pump iron and not shower.
February 11th, 2009 at 8:59 pm
Yeah, I’d love to see any one who talks shit about DOB say it to his face..
Or make through the rest of this year alive.
You’re all bloody brilliant.
February 11th, 2009 at 8:58 pm
That was orgasmic. Thank you so much, grandma. I really liked it.
February 11th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
Glad to see you’ve switched from accessorizing with dickies to dental themed jewelry. We ladies now have a better view of that naked upper torso of yours.
May I fingerpaint “Awesome!” on it sometime?
February 11th, 2009 at 8:46 pm
5/5
absolutely amazing article
February 11th, 2009 at 8:28 pm
I laughed so hard that I peed a little.
February 11th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
This might be the best Cracked article i have ever read. ever
February 11th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
That was incredibly funny all the way through, but the Koala Coil just fucking killed me.
February 11th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
That was simply fantastic… an exercise in awesometrics!
February 11th, 2009 at 7:39 pm
Wait…why am I fighting with DOB now?
Jesus, I do not want to fight DOB - the guy decorates his office with the heads of lesser writers. Roeder didn’t leave; he’s a fucking lampshade now. Every time I’m in his office, he spends the entire duration of the meeting distractedly tapping an empty space on his wall and softly humming the tune to “Danny Boy.”
When did internet comedy become The Highlander?
February 11th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
I don’t understand where this whole DOB/Brockway feud came from or why…but I’m thinking “write-off”. 100 words on some random subject. Winner gets bragging rights. And readers get double dose of awesome internet comedy. Or maybe you two could just beat the shit out of each other.
February 11th, 2009 at 6:53 pm
Haha, this is hilarious. Brockway is one thing DOB is not: a good writer. And by that, I mean more subtle. Which makes it funnier.
February 11th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
[...] week’s Cracked column is up over here, wherein I kill a promising young student for really just no reason at all. If you support [...]
February 11th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
“Whining won’t appease the hammer, fellas.” Truer words have never been spoken.
February 11th, 2009 at 5:35 pm
DOB and Brockway are both funny as hell. So just shut up about it.
I want to see Stowalski naked.
February 11th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
You sir have humbled me. Never before have I laughed so hard in my life, you are truly my greatest creation. The rest of the earth shall kneel before you and proclaim ye to be God, my chosen one. And in death, ye shall be my jester.
February 11th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
That Tesla coil koala bear was the best thing I’ve seen on this site
Hilarious article!
February 11th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
task #2 is terrifying.
February 11th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
that was perfect just pure awesomenesss
February 11th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
Great job, Mr Brockway.
You and DOB are really funny. (Just so you know, I think this site allows two really funny guys!)
February 11th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
I claim The Teslabears as my indie band name.
February 11th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
Wow.
Rarely does an article make me laugh as hard as I just did.
Good job, Robert.
February 11th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
this was so fucking funny. hilarious best from the columnists i’ve seen probably ever. i love you brockway.
February 11th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
Did you actually write those fan fiction excerpts?
Awesome post.
P.S. DOB, just checking in with my usual request to have my internet babies.
February 11th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
@Fitzgerald- “Have to”? “Have to”!? No no no, motherfucker, you get to. You get to photoshop legal notices onto pictures of my genitals and you’re a better person because of it. Damn interns wouldn’t know an opportunity if I stuck it in the copy machine and mailed a picture of it to their sisters, I swear to God.
Great post Brock!
February 11th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Simply brilliant! The M night Shyamalan-esque twist killed!…..poor Meyers.
February 11th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
This is pretty funny.. I saw another one thats funny as hell but alot shorter. http://www.caseydeville.com
February 11th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
I never read DOB. Can’t stand the stuff, it just oozes with self-satisfaction, like the kid who always laughs at his own joke to remind you he said something funny.
February 11th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
That was really, really funny.
February 11th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Bravo!! What a great read, and the last picture is pure awesome! I didn’t know you had it in you, but I’m glad you totally took it out and slapped me straight across the face with it.
February 11th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
I want to intern at Cracked so bad right now.
February 11th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Another brilliant piece. Your funniest to date, IMHO.
Also, I’m awaiting Brockway’s cameo in Cracked TV.
G-Stone and DOB did it, so it only makes sense that you do one too.
February 11th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
Dob comparisons are totally fucking irrelevant and stupid and irrelevant. Great article Robert.
February 11th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Reminded me of Jay Pinkerton, in a fucking fantastic way.
February 11th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
So do you sniff the cocoa powder or smoke it?
February 11th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
Hamilton: I would totally buy that book
February 11th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
this is the funniest shit I’ve ever read.
February 11th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
Does anyone else wish they could buy a book about the daily lives and rituals of the Cracked writing staff? These wacky stories are the funniest stuff on the site - which, in my opinion, is no small compliment. Kudos to you Brockway and DOB for creating some of the most hilariously insane blog posts known to man!
February 11th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
I loved the Teslabears.
February 11th, 2009 at 11:48 am
full of win.
February 11th, 2009 at 11:38 am
everyone, notice how Carl, Gemineye870530 (fucked up name), The Prowler, and some others, like to suck DOB’s dick. honestly, i mean, the guy is funny, but just overdoes it at times. and you all dickride the chucklefucker.
February 11th, 2009 at 11:23 am
Funny. But I had to double check the writer’s name cuz I thought it was DOB’s style.
The electric koala pic is an inspiration to photoshoppers everywhere. Thanks for sharing.
February 11th, 2009 at 11:10 am
Stowalski you useless motherfucker!
February 11th, 2009 at 10:51 am
the koala sealed the deal man. brilliant!
February 11th, 2009 at 10:42 am
Unlucky brockway, DOB already invented comedy apparently…
February 11th, 2009 at 10:28 am
Great, now I can’t not look at a hammer non-sexually.
You magnificent bastard.
February 11th, 2009 at 10:19 am
God I love this website.
February 11th, 2009 at 10:19 am
can you please include wheeler’s full body pic next time?
February 11th, 2009 at 10:11 am
Where’s the mention of how we sometimes have to Photoshop legal notices on to pictures of DOB’s genitals for people who steal from the site? Sometimes in different languages, also.
February 11th, 2009 at 10:07 am
*Busey, not Busy. Though I’d totally digg getting busy with Busey.
February 11th, 2009 at 10:07 am
If Gary Busy was any sexier….*phew* IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE??
Amazingly funny but I have to agree, you’re first person sexually aggressive narrative has been done before, it was still extremely enjoyable though.
February 11th, 2009 at 10:01 am
Brilliant.
Bad news hammer needs to be a meme.
February 11th, 2009 at 10:00 am
You know, Brockway, you started off so easy on us all when you first moved into the blogs. But somewhere around the Jack forcing you to write a political blog entry you just seemed to go into overdrive crazy mode.
Damn man, you’re funny. Thank you for this. It was great. But be careful of spending too much time around DOB. He does terrible things to you once you’ve passed out from too much cocaine.
February 11th, 2009 at 9:50 am
you’re becoming really, really, great. make a few more articles then we should have brock vs. dob. wouldn’t that be awesome? or a brock and dob present…
February 11th, 2009 at 9:14 am
“BEGIN!” I screamed, mounting my desk and holding Bad News aloft, erect as a viking warlord.
Also, I was standing
Oh wait, DOB already did that…. shit.
February 11th, 2009 at 9:01 am
Coquettish is actually a japanese punk band. check ‘em out…
February 11th, 2009 at 8:55 am
That was really fucked up. I loved it.
February 11th, 2009 at 8:39 am
.. quickly painting in ‘bloodrage…’
vintage Brockway.
February 11th, 2009 at 8:18 am
Freakin’ awesome
February 11th, 2009 at 8:16 am
Stowalski’s Tesla-bear is awesomesauce
February 11th, 2009 at 8:06 am
This reminds me of high school.
Cept they get paid.
February 11th, 2009 at 7:53 am
Magnificent.
February 11th, 2009 at 7:40 am
I didn’t like this. Sorry, Brockway, I think DOB’s just got the market for first-person perspective pinned down. It doesn’t give you enough room to do your own stuff without trying to sound like him - but a less funny version. Next time?
I liked the koala.
February 11th, 2009 at 7:33 am
Next time… give them all hammers. Lock them up with the Tesla-bear images and see who snaps first. The most deranged intern can stay to write us even more insance articles!
February 11th, 2009 at 7:27 am
Extremely funny. I love that koala bear Tesla splice, it was brilliant.
February 11th, 2009 at 7:27 am
SECOND!
And I’d gladly give my teeth for Brockway’s bling.
February 11th, 2009 at 7:25 am
Im starting to like the columns much more than the lists. This one was solid gold.
February 11th, 2009 at 6:39 am
I don’t think I want to be an intern anymore…
No wait, I still totally do