Announcing The Topics Pages (Also, a Round-Up)
Way back in 2008, (December!), we quietly launched the Cracked Topic Pages. What are the Cracked Topic Pages? Why, thanks for asking, Literary Device. The Topic Pages are like Wikipedia, but only about subjects that Cracked cares about, and loaded with dick jokes, (which makes it, we suppose, like a 'Dickipedia,' if you will).
The Cracked Topic Pages cover subjects that Cracked fans care about, and it's written and edited Cracked fans and writers. Wikipedia maybe has a page about Christian Bale, but does their page openly wonder if Christian Bale might technically be a God? No, but ours does. In addition to straight facts, a Cracked Topic Page on, say, James Bond, for example, is an absurd manifesto that reflects the kind of manic attention to detail and obsession with pop culture that is characteristic of Cracked. The writer of that topic page is a fan, like you.
If you like Cracked and you like Mystery Science Theater 3000, you're in luck.We have an entry about MST3K, and it's written by a fan of that show as well as this site. Someone just like you.
The Topics Pages are also great because, if you're ever bored and looking for more Cracked content, (and, since you're reading the round-up, that's exactly what you are), we've got a new place for you to hang out and waste hours of your life reading about, let's say, extinct creatures, for example, or Philip K. Dick, or the hit novel John Dies at the End, or Xbox 360. Whatever topic you want, we have it and, if we don't, we encourage you to write it. That's right. If you want to show the world that you're an expert on one particular subject, just go to our forum, request a page, and you'll have your chance. We're giving you the opportunity to write about a subject that you feel passionate about, for a built in audience of, according to Google Analytics, "lots and lots." Cracked loves you, Baby.
Read an entry about The Simpsons that could only have been prepared by a die-hard Simpsons fan. Read the most involved and obsessed article about The Karate Kid you're likely to ever encounter in your life. Those fat cats over at Wikipedia don't have that, that's for sure.
And, sure, WIkipedia probably has a page about Steven Seagal, but we ask you: Does Wikipedia have a section of their page dedicated to Seagal wearing various funny outfits? Answer: No, they don't. But we do, and it's awesome.
Okay. Onto the articles of the week, or whatever.
GROCERY STORES HATE YOU!
Dickonomics: How 5 Everyday Businesses Trick You
Cracked is the only organization left on the planet that isn't trying to rip you off. Trust Cracked.
Notable Comment: skrag2112 says "I can't believe you didn't mention strip joints in this article. Wheres your priorities Cracked?" You can't believe we didn't attack strip clubs in an article? Why would we do that? We love strip clubs. Cracked is all about the strip club. You know nothing of our work.
5 Celebrity Wikipedia Entries They Clearly Wrote Themselves
True story, a member of the Cracked Staff's brother played a gig with Corey Feldman and the Truth Movement back in 1998, and it was the shittiest and most ridiculous experience anyone had ever seen. Think "mesh shirts + fog machine + songs about the paparazzi," and then throw in Corey Feldman. Yikes.
Notable Comment:Okay, based on the absurd amount of Shatnerites in the comments, were willing to believe that a) Shatner had nothing to do with his own page and b) his fans will follow him to the gates of hell.
GEORGE LUCAS SUCKS!
6 Classic Movies That Narrowly Avoided Disaster
Man, all those clever reporters who were so ready to talk about how financial problems "sunk" the Titanic movie must've been so pissed when it went and crushed all those records.
Notable Comment:Res_Ipsa made us laugh, "Maybe God wanted Star Wars to fail because He knew about Episodes I-III in advance." But the danger in THAT scenario is that, since the Star Wars movies were made, it would mean that George Lucas is more powerful than God.
8 People Who Inspired Words (For Embarrassing Reasons)
This convinces us that, hundreds of years ago, there was someone whose name was probably "Stephen P. Douchebag." And he was probably a douchebag.
Notable Comment: Johnrap says "Boston..." ...Sucks! Sorry. We thought you were doing like a "When I say 'Boston,' you say 'Sucks,'" thing. Regardless, Patriots lost.
6 Baffling Old School Video Game Commercials
Notable Comment: Roscoe says "And yet...now all I want to do is play Legend of Zelda on my NES." Effective advertising, ladies and gentlemen.
Worst Suicide Intervention Ever
Cracked wishes you would step back from that ledge, my friend.
YOU YOU YOU!
If Everything in Life Came with Warning Labels
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, A Day in the Life of a Famous Person of Your Choice in Flowchart Form.
only in Japa-... Mexico?!
You know this thing is going to be wild, someone in the crowd brought a beach ball!
Ku Klux Lamb
Did they all dress alike on purpose, or was it "shear" coincidence?
Tom had a long, hard walk home.
Excuse me, while I fuck the sky.
by Chaos Merchant
You rack a disciprine!
Rule Number 1: No blinking, ever.
I might have to start watching news reports on the Iraq War again.
dont blame me, I voted for predator
The evolution of man takes a pretty fucking terrifying turn for the worse.
Trolling in the park, looking for a little head.
Now THIS is Sparta.
"Look Mr. Phelps, I don't know who ordered this for you, I just drive the truck, now if you'll please sign here"