I dove through the window of Cracked.com’s Editor-in-Chief Jack O’Brien with fire in my eyes and, now, shards of glass in my shoulder. He didn’t immediately look up from his newspaper. I guess he’s used to this sort of thing by now. He just sighed and immediately reached for his phone, presumably to call the police.
“You can’t keep doing this, Dan.” I couldn’t tell if that was an order or just Jack’s way of saying he didn’t believe in me. Either way, I’d show him.
“Listen to me, hang up that phone, Jack, we need to talk.” Jack paused and looked at me, his head cocked to one side.
“Just ‘Jack,’” he said. “What, no nickname?”
“I don’t have time, for nicknames, Jaxico Burress.” Huh. Turns out I did. “Have you seen the nominations for the 2008 Weblog Awards? It’s horsehit.”
The Weblog Awards, for the uninitiated, is the world’s largest blog competition. Blogs and Bloggers are nominated, finalists are determined and separated by category. Anyone who wants to can vote, and the winners get…I don’t know, something. A badge? A hat? Whatever, the point is, they win something, and I know that I want whatever the trophy is, even if they don’t technically give out trophies. (Chocolates?)
“No, Dan, I haven’t seen the nominations…though, I’ll be honest, I don’t see what it has to do with Cracked.”
“Who’s talking about Cracked? This is about me, Jackramé, not Cracked.”
“Ah,” Jack said, “I see, okay. I’m just gonna go ahead and stop listening to you now, then.”
While Jack swept up some stray pieces of glass that got into his office somehow, I continued on about the biggest internet-related upset since the last time I wasn’t nominated for some stupid internet award.
“It’s total garbage. They’re supposed to be the biggest blog competition in the world. They even have a category for the ‘Best Bloggers,’ and I wasn’t friggin’ nominated. That’s my friggin’ category. And do you want to know what the worst part is?”
“The worst part isn’t that you broke another one of my windows?”
“Don’t be ridiculous, of course not. The worst part is that for a while I thought I was nominated.”
That’s the truth. When the nominations were announced, I genuinely thought I made the cut, despite the fact that I didn’t receive an email, a phone call, or any other sign that might indicate that the Weblog committee was even aware of my existence.
“Why would you think that,” Jack asked. I put my arm around his shoulder.
“They say that, the night before he received his party’s nomination for presidency, George Washington sat up in his bed and exclaimed ‘I’m going to be the first president of the United States.‘ They say that Mozart, as young as six, would go around saying “I’m the greatest,” like a younger, whiter, less impressive Muhammad Ali. And they say that, before he painted the Sistine Chapel, Michelangelo sat up in his Italian bed and shouted ‘I’m-a gonna be-a one of the greatest-a painters of all-a time-a, buon giorno, mi chiamo, va bene, mamma mia!”
“Who says that?”
“And that’s what I felt, Jacura TSX. I felt it in my bones that this nomination was mine.”
So confident was I, in fact that I didn’t even bother to check the list of nominations. I just bought a tux and started drafting an acceptance speech.
So confident, in fact, that I told all of my friends and family members to check out the nominations before I did. So confident, in fact, that I emailed all of my enemies and told them to suck it, (which was actually okay, because I sort of do that on a daily basis anyway).
It was one of these enemies, (who, for the purposes of this column, I’ll call “Gladstone”), that pointed out that I wasn’t nominated. I assumed that “Gladstone” was confused, (for the purposes of this column, let’s say he’s chronically forgetful due to his remarkably old age), so I decided to check out the nominees for myself.
And you know what? Even that didn’t convince me. I honestly believed, for no discernible reason, that I was nominated, and that they must’ve made a tremendous mistake. I was so positive, that I signed up for the messageboard so I could address this issue in their “Finalists” section:
When no one responded to my thread and, what’s worse, no one corrected what I perceived to be an unfathomable spelling error, I called up Weblog founder Kevin Aylward. Our conversation went something like this:
DOB: Hey, Mr. Aylward, this is Dan O’Brien from Cracked.com.
Kevin:…I’m sorry, “Crack?”
DOB: Cracked. As in, ‘Hey, it’s the hit comedy website, Cracked.’ You’ve heard of us.
Kevin: “Cracks?” Are you saying “Cracks?”
DOB: No no, Cracked. E-D. Past tense.
Kevin: “Cracked” like “broken?”
DOB: (sighing) Yes. “Cracked” like broken.
[Note: Whenever I try to explain to someone in real life what my job is, that is exactly how the conversation starts. Without fail.]
Kevin: I see, okay, yeah, I can see your website right here. It’s very… How can I help you?
DOB: Well, I saw the nominations for ‘Best Blogger’ and I think you made a mistake.
Kevin: Oh?
DOB: It seems like you accidentally put my name down as ‘field negro,’ when actually it’s ‘Dan O’Brien.’ It’s fine, lots of people make that mistake, so if you could just-
Kevin: I’m sorry, there’s no mistake. Field Negro is a blogger- a good one, at that.
DOB: Oh, I see. Okay, well, then it seems like you accidentally put my name down as ‘Rachel Lucas’ when actually it’s ‘Dan O’Brien.’ People rarely make that mistake, but it has happened before, so if you wouldn’t mind-
Kevin: Rachel is also an established blogger.
DOB: Gotcha… It seems like you accidentally put my name down as-
Kevin: I’m going to cut you off, there and get right down to this: All of the nominations are correct. You just weren’t nominated.
DOB: Okay, so you do see the problem, great. If we could just get my name up there, then, we’ll all-
Kevin: No, you misunderstand. You weren’t nominated, and you won’t be nominated. If I had to guess, I’d say it’s because Cracked isn’t technically a blog. It’s a series of articles, videos, comics and columns, a disturbing amount of which, I might add, seem to be about Hannah Montana, for some reason.
DOB: What the hell do you mean we’re not a blog?
Kevin: Blogs update several times a day. And often, a lot of the blogs that we deal with are newsworthy, and important. And, you know…relevant. Cracked’s just not very relevant, in the blog world.
DOB: Wait, are you trying to imply that Cracked’s not relevant?
Kevin: I think I’ve gone pretty far beyond implying it, but sure.
DOB: How dare you! I’m the definition of relevant. I’m Mr. Fucking Relevant. I got relevance spewing out my god damn ass.
Kevin: Wow, that’s enough of that.
DOB: Let’s get something straight, DOB is all about relevance. He lives it, okay? I put the ‘dick’ in ‘relevance,’ you understand?
(There was a slight pause.)
Kevin:…There is no ‘dick’ in relevance.
DOB: No? Must’ve left it in your sister, then. Huh.
Kevin: Excuse me?
DOB: Ooh, sorry, Guy, you’re breaking up, I can’t…quite…hear-
And then I threw my phone out the window. Which, in retrospect, was a poor decision. But, I like to think that we live and learn, even though I’ve ended every single phone call the exact same way and so far haven’t learned a thing.
***
“Is that not the saddest thing you ever heard, Boss,” I asked Jack.
“I guess so, but, again, I wasn’t even close to paying attention, so really…”
“I’m just sick of being snubbed, you know? I don’t ask for a lot. I’m a simple man. All I want in life is to win all of the awards in the world and have rough, slimy sex with super models. Is that so wrong?”
“Well, yeah, for a couple of reasons.”
Jack could tell that I was feeling pretty low. I was going through his desk and stealing his office supplies, as usual, but my heart just wasn’t in it, and Jack noticed it. As I listlessly broke his three-hole-punch over my knee, Jack stopped sweeping up his stupid glass for a minute to actually talk to me.
“Listen, Dan, you can’t beat yourself up over this award. Cracked isn’t a blog. You’re not a blogger. We weren’t nominated because this just isn’t our contest, in the same way that a sandwich can’t be nominated for best supporting actress. Unless it was Meryl Streep’s sandwich, I guess. Look, we’ve lost competitions in the past a lot, but, in this case, it wasn’t our fault. We just don’t fit this competition. You see?” I perked up.
“I think I get it. Yeah, you’re saying, like, There’s always next year for the Weblogs, right?”
“What? No. I’m specifically saying that you won’t be nominated for the Weblogs next or any year, that’s the whole point.” I climbed atop Jack’s desk, erect with confidence. Also, I was standing.
“Next year. Yeah. We’ll show those Weblog jerks what blogging’s all about.”
“I promise you that we won’t, but, whatever. You seem happier now, so please leave.”
“This has been really inspiring, Boss. Thank you. You know, if I had a dad, I’d…I’d want him to be someone just like you.” I thought about this briefly. “Though, come to think of it, I do have a dad… And he’s a great dad. Much better than you’d be. Yeesh.” My energy restored, I stole the mouse to Jack’s computer and dove out the only window in his office that wasn’t already broken. Never to be seen again…
Until I needed cash…
EDIT: HOLY SHIT! For reasons that make absolutely no sense to me, there is now a POLL on the Weblog Messageboard that asks “Does Dan O’Brien deserve a Weblog Award?” (Thanks to BrianCX7 for the tip.) I don’t know what brilliant and attractive soul decided to create this poll, but I thank he/she with all of my heart/penis. Vote yes on that son of a bitch! FUCK YES!
This entry was posted on Friday, January 9th, 2009 at 8:00 am and is filed under Bastards. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 7th, 2009 at 8:56 pm
Lool too funny, you are amazing, freaking AMAZING okay?! you deserve to have your amazingness recognized :] you will win many awards I’m sure of it :]] (double smiley for super emphasis)
October 16th, 2009 at 9:50 am
i’m re-reading all the DOB articles freaking brilliant! love you!
October 10th, 2009 at 3:48 am
Someone give this man a medal, the NPP (take it from Obama if necessary), $10,000 and a hooker.
Now.
September 21st, 2009 at 5:59 am
Dan’o should already have the nobel prize. Im pushing for it.
August 8th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
This is old, but holy fuck is it hilarious.
Without hyperbole, a fucking triumph in comedy.
Excellent. This is why i read this site. This is why everyone should read this site. and give every possible award to the columnists this site employs.
August 7th, 2009 at 8:35 pm
i love articles like that
June 26th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
I wonder how long it’ll be until DOB wins the Nobel Prize.
May 23rd, 2009 at 6:59 pm
“Huh, must’ve left it in your sister. Hmm.”
xD I don ‘t know if you made that up or I’m woefully ignorant of well-known jokes, but that is an instant classic.
January 17th, 2009 at 8:42 am
I mean.. Begging with THEM at gunpoint.. of course.
January 17th, 2009 at 8:40 am
Mr. DOB. I have an idea (stop snickering and shut-up). If you can’t beat them (or beat the hell out of them) then join them.. Take your work, make an actual blog, and ‘blog’ your articles, your brilliance. They will then be forced to let you play in their reindeer games! That, or begging at gunpoint isn’t out of your league. I’m sure.
January 17th, 2009 at 2:27 am
Gotta show love to Mr. GFK.
I can just imagine you running around your room listening to The Champ over and over again.
January 16th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
lol, this article is hilarious. I demand you recieve a raise for it! Call up “Bringin’ Sexy Jack, Whut?” up this instance and tell I said it was cool. Also, Andross, I graciously invite you to, at your earliest convience, eat your own shit.
Back to the Shadows,
Peace
January 16th, 2009 at 9:02 am
[...] Aylward, the founder of the filthy Weblog awards. I remembered him from our conversation last week, wherein he explained that I didn’t deserve any of his blogger awards because I wasn’t [...]
January 16th, 2009 at 12:20 am
you DEFINETELY deserve an award!
so so funny.
your humor is sexyy
January 15th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
jack and danial o’brien.
joint venture?
drunken mayhem?
whiskey?
definitly.
(maybe)
in conclusion pretty funny.
(bows head in remembrence of g-stone)
January 15th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
Yeah, fuck andross!
January 14th, 2009 at 4:41 am
I simply have one question for andross… what the fuck is your great contribution to this world? at least someones trying to make people laugh and smile all your doing is giving this whole thread that pre-rape feeling. so go fuck yourself and the horse you rode in on also known as your mother.
January 13th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
Hey, everyone! Andross smells!
Ewwww!!
January 13th, 2009 at 10:04 am
You still have yet to top “Two Jack a day smoking habit”
January 12th, 2009 at 9:08 pm
goo
January 11th, 2009 at 7:51 pm
“And they say that, before he painted the Sistine Chapel, Michelangelo sat up in his Italian bed and shouted ‘I’m-a gonna be-a one of the greatest-a painters of all-a time-a, buon giorno, mi chiamo, va bene, mamma mia!””
… and WarioWare: Twisted! (and, I guess, Touched!) comes to mind.
Also: I can’t vote in the poll, and I refuse to count myself among the numbers of such a facist regime of “relevenceries”.
January 11th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
I don’t know what lauging is either!
I meant Laughing…….it was a typo…I’m not stupid or anything….well maybe
January 11th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
I nearly died lauging. DIED!
I love this website it’s cracks me up!
Get it?
Crack?
No?
…never mind…
January 11th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
Don’t know if anyone has noticed, but they are having a poll deciding whether or not to give DOB his rightfully deserved award.
http://weblogawards.proboards85.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&thread=815&page=2
Vote now, my friends.
January 11th, 2009 at 7:13 am
I just read Wallsy’s comment and I was thinking the same thing. Blogs update several times a day? Jesus, I’m home most of the day and I don’t have a real job, but even I don’t have that kind of time. Is that true or just comedy for the post? I’m too tired/lazy to look it up right now (opening a new tab is so exhausting sometimes…).
And everyone please leave Andross alone. She/he is obviously a sad, perhaps even angry person with very little access to a sense of humor right now. And that’s just when people need Cracked the most, isn’t it?
January 11th, 2009 at 4:01 am
Guys look, it’s Andross! Andross, everybody! Hi, Andross! Andross!
Hello!
January 10th, 2009 at 11:14 pm
Not the same Andross you’re thinking of.
January 10th, 2009 at 11:05 pm
Hi Andross! Hey guys, Andross is back!
January 10th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
PS - Are you related to Jack O’Brien or not?
January 10th, 2009 at 9:46 pm
haha I guess I’ve stirred up some hatred and a fair amount of cock/rape jokes and even a skull fuck reference, although it was more of a skull stabbing than a skull fuck reference.The point remains, “I didn’t get an award for my mediocre blog on a half assed website and that makes me sad so I’ll use my blog to bitch to my loser fans about being a loser.” And the most pathetic part about it is not that you’re using your blog to complain (I’m sure most of us would use it to complain) but that its not the first time your complaining about not winning an award you seem to hate.Cats are funny, whiny failed sitcom writers are not.
January 10th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
Wow, most of these websites that are nominated are total shit. Why has cracked NEVER received any really big awards? It’s hilarious, and so is Dan!
January 10th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
This - well, it’s not a blog, obviously … article? - contained the best made-up conversation ever. Or was it?
January 10th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
Wow Dan, you just made the Weblog awards relevant to people other than those nominated.
That’s quite an achievement right there.
January 10th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Jacura TSX, ha! brilliant.
And also, I’m glad someone finally gives ghostface his due. btw is Statutory Rap ever gonna get back in the game?
January 10th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
The whole article was absolutely hilarious, but when i really lost it was
“I climbed atop Jack’s desk, erect with confidence. Also, I was standing.”
I was laughing so hard my roommate thought I was crying into my hands.
January 10th, 2009 at 11:10 am
You are so funny. I was reading this article with my grandfather sitting near me, and i was trying so hard not to laugh at the following:
DOB: How dare you! I’m the definition of relevant. I’m Mr. Fucking Relevant. I got relevance spewing out my god damn ass.
Kevin: Wow, that’s enough of that.
because he would think it was totally inappropriate.
I adore you.
January 10th, 2009 at 10:29 am
Andross, I would like to have sex* with you.
*My sex involves a screw driver rather than a penis, and your eye socket.
January 10th, 2009 at 8:58 am
I don’t care if you aren’t nominated. I’m voting for you.
January 10th, 2009 at 7:01 am
hahha this gave me a big lol
January 10th, 2009 at 6:36 am
I, too, think that Gladstone is a douche.
Im not sure if it was the late nights parked in front of his house furiously masterbating under the pouring rain trying to get a glimpse of him, or the fact that he never responded to my messages about how i would like to fellate his itty bitty clitty. Either way i am absolutely positive that if i decided to stab him with a sharpened rib bone from the last person that made my love go unrequited…Vinegar and Water would leak out.
January 10th, 2009 at 5:02 am
yeah you should have been nominated fucken webdicks
January 10th, 2009 at 3:51 am
I’m a state trooper. You could be like me and get nominated for world’s biggest dick every year….or everyday really.
January 10th, 2009 at 3:16 am
To be safe though, I think you should go and set fire to Gladstone’s hair.
January 10th, 2009 at 3:03 am
Hahaha! DOB, hilarious as always. Misspelled your name as field negro - priceless.
Actually, though, if something like this - http://driftglass.blogspot.com/2009/01/scam-in-high-castle.html - is ON it, most sane people would want to be OFF it. Even a list of weblog finalists. That’s the batshittiest thing I’ve ever seen.
Every single day Cracked puts a smile on my face and makes me laugh, literally, out loud. Which is why they took me from my office computer and put me in this room with very soft walls, but still, that alone should have made it an automatic win, even for their stupid jerky award. And they know it.
January 10th, 2009 at 2:40 am
Wallsy, by that logic, this is definitely a blog.
January 10th, 2009 at 1:34 am
Amazing! I’d like to shake your hand, starting with your weiner
January 10th, 2009 at 1:24 am
Ah, DOB, you’re amazing! I’d kidnap you and tie you to my bed any day over any of those over bloggers!
January 10th, 2009 at 1:10 am
THAT WAS COMEDIC GOLD!!
Loved it, DOB. Your days are exactly like mine, my friend.
Also, Jacura TSX, that was a good one. I’ve always wanted a Jacura RSX, but a TSX might be nice too.
Anywhore, PEACE!
January 10th, 2009 at 1:00 am
this entry has firmly cemented DOB as my favorite of all the cracked writers.
masterful work as always.
January 10th, 2009 at 12:39 am
I have just one question: How is this not a blog? And there are seriously blogs that update several times a day? Where do these people get the time? Do they not have jobs, families and friends?
January 9th, 2009 at 11:56 pm
@checkminus-
Thanks, and thanks for asking. Hectic Holiday travel, for one. The fact that the computer I was using crashed, for another. I wish I had a more entertaining answer, but the truth is that a number of irritating factors came together making it virtually impossible to write an article in time.
I swear I’ll never take another unannounced absence again.
January 9th, 2009 at 11:51 pm
“Kevin:…There is no ‘dick’ in relevance.
DOB: No? Must’ve left it in your sister, then. Huh.”
Consider that line stolen.
January 9th, 2009 at 11:19 pm
great job as always, mr. o’brien. i just have a quick question: why no article last week? i always look foward to reading them, and when i didn’t see one last week, i was quite sad.
January 9th, 2009 at 11:09 pm
“I climbed atop Jack’s desk, erect with confidence. Also, I was standing.” You’re a sick puppy.
I’m really concerned if Andross thinks this is a true story.
January 9th, 2009 at 10:50 pm
Aww, it’s ok DOB. If you told me to jump off a bridge I’d still laugh at you.
January 9th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
Yon can tell from the picture that the smashed window is the Editor-in-Chief’s, he is obviously hiding in the corner office to dodge DOB.
CRACKED not relevant? Thats riDICKulous!!
January 9th, 2009 at 10:00 pm
your one cunny funt DOB
January 9th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
Oh my goodness gracious. That was sooo fucking funny. I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time. Wow, thanks bud. Really.
January 9th, 2009 at 9:49 pm
Gee even Susan Lucci gets nominated for awards — you may just be the online version of Rodney Dangerfield!
January 9th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
Holy crap! that’s the funniest thing I’ve ever read!
January 9th, 2009 at 8:57 pm
omg that was the funniest thing i ever read. I loved it!
January 9th, 2009 at 8:57 pm
@DutchDrunk
I believe his words were ‘Eat many dicks’.
You’re a failure as an obsessive fan. Go back to your life and wholesome, nurturing family.
January 9th, 2009 at 8:40 pm
@James Kopf.
When G-Stone’s trying to suck dick you’ll know it because he’ll be flailing around desperately and hopelessly in your pants.
January 9th, 2009 at 8:38 pm
I’m sorry, everyone. I pulled out and messed-up Andross’ hair a few minutes ago, and he stormed out of the room in a huff. He’s in the shower now, I can hear him crying, and I saw this page was still up. Excuse him.
That article was a fun read, even though I have no idea who any of those bloggers are and only a vague memory of the existence of the Weblog Awards. I followed the link to Pop Candy and I do remember seeing that one before, though. What the hell, I’ll go vote for her.
Again, sorry for Andross’ little fit. I think his sphincter might be a little torn.
January 9th, 2009 at 8:32 pm
Andross.
In the words of the great Dan O’Brien:
“Eat a dick”
January 9th, 2009 at 8:31 pm
Hi Andross! How’s the wife?
January 9th, 2009 at 8:26 pm
Hey, Andross is here, everybody! Hey, it’s Andross! Andross, everybody! Hi Andross!
January 9th, 2009 at 8:25 pm
Best blog, EVER.
January 9th, 2009 at 8:13 pm
Why should you get an award? You work for a website that was previously a magazine which was a rip off of a kid’s shitty comic book and is now the home of lists.Plus whining about not getting an award you apparently hate makes you a douche.Is Jack O’Brien your uncle/dad or legal guardian? Seems like that would be the only reason you would have a job here.Get back to writing lists about The World’s X Blankiest Blanks.
January 9th, 2009 at 7:33 pm
DOB is my favorite columnist/blogger
January 9th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
It’s about time Ghostface Killah gets the thanks he so rightfully deserves. He’s the champ!
January 9th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
first off fuck you i love gladstone… second this was great i loved it. so many pants shittingly funny parts. ahhh… good times
January 9th, 2009 at 6:11 pm
Gladstone is indeed a douche, and that last article just wasn’t good. It’s like he’s trying to suck dick. Barrels of man-whore dicks.
January 9th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
Tears are currently rolling from my eyes…
You outdid yourself yet again DOB!
January 9th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
What I love about you, DOB, is how you’re clearly a genius, but make yourself to be a complete idiot or borderline insane.
January 9th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
no worry’s i’ll vote.
FOR YOU.
January 9th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
Cracked should win shite, end of story.,
January 9th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
Once again ,DOB, you out did yourself. Very funny article. When the “Cracked.Com Awards” are held-I will be voting for you as best everything!
January 9th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
Wow, If you don’t win SOMETHING for this specific non-blog-bloggy thing than something is wrong with the world because this is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. Thanks Dan.
January 9th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
Hey, DOB. Isn’t the website Bartender is on technically a blog? You could win with that.
January 9th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
“DOB: Let’s get something straight, DOB is all about relevance. He lives it, okay? I put the ‘dick’ in ‘relevance,’ you understand?
(There was a slight pause.)
Kevin:…There is no ‘dick’ in relevance.
DOB: No? Must’ve left it in your sister, then. Huh.”
Pretty much the first time Cracked has managed to go beyond breaking my poker face and producing awkward sounds. That, and the end actually made me laugh.
January 9th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
Could be worse. At least you’re not me.
January 9th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
You’re great. Best blogger on the site.
January 9th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
” …in the same way that a sandwich can’t be nominated for best supporting actress. Unless it was Meryl Streep’s sandwich, I guess.”
I lol’d heartily.
January 9th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
I just love the DOB meets JOB episodes!
You’re the man Dan!
January 9th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
I would vote for you DOB.In fact im still going to, even though you’re not in it.Hell I WILL find a way.
January 9th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
Why is it that DOB’s stuff never gets old? Maybe it’s not the most intelligent humor on the site, but darn it it’s funny. I truly, honestly have a huge amount of respect for him, just for how many ways he can make fun of Jack’s name. Jacura TSX. Jacramé. Jaxico Burress. Classic.
January 9th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
DOB is the only person who keeps me coming back to cracked.
fucking hilarious
January 9th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
DOB that was some hilarious shit. You fucking rock. Oh and the award DOB should get is a huge dildo that way he could take embarassing and uncomfortable pictures with everyone he knows making them hold his “trophy”. Go DOB.
January 9th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
So…question…why does Douglas JackArthur keep putting glass in his windows if DOB’s going to break them? Or, you know, paying him?
January 9th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
One of the perks of speaking a language other than English offline is that you can pronounce “Cracked” however you wish, stressing ED as a separate syllable while ignoring all rules of English pronunciation if you so damn please, because, fuck you that’s not the language I’m speaking right now, sacrebleu.
That way, you get much less funny looks when you say you’re addicted to Cracked.
January 9th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
I would have voted for you. Know who else would have voted for you? Internationally obscure grunge artist Joe Cotten. Look up his music on Myspace!
January 9th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
You’re like equal parts Bruce Willis and Andy Dick.
I shall call you Dick Willis.
January 9th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
DOB you just got the gold medal for window diving. Ford Prefect couldnt have done a better job.
January 9th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
wateva.. 921 and counting.. the no of dicks fox has eaten till date… 922 3/4th….
January 9th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
A pox on their insinuations! You know what you need to win, though? No legs. Everyone would love your blog (oh yeah- you’d also need your own website) if you had no legs. You could call it, “Sit Dan and Read This”, or something.
But in all seriousness, of course cracked.com isn’t a blog. Blogs are read by pathetic losers, and I read Cracked, so there you go. QED.
January 9th, 2009 at 11:49 am
“I climbed atop Jack’s desk, erect with confidence. Also, I was standing.”
I laughed so hard I nearly ejaculated tears (from my eyes you sick bastards)
January 9th, 2009 at 11:48 am
Could be worse. You could have been nominated in the Best Humor Blog category but then your minions desert you and you come in like 9th and then you throw a chair out the window in distress but then you look down and the chair is still there and it turns out you threw your dog. And the dog didn’t even break the glass. He just hit the window with this thump and then your neighbors call the police because apparently *they’ve* never accidentally thrown a dog at a window. And then they’re all “We’re better than you”. It was a shitty day for everyone, DOB.
January 9th, 2009 at 11:44 am
I’m sick of people saying you’re the only reason they read Cracked when several of us have ripped off your style completely for posts, providing additional reasons for people to read cracked! So there.
January 9th, 2009 at 11:27 am
that is frustrating. every time i try to tell my co-workers about this genius writer DOB on cracked, i get that same “did you say crack?” response.
then i get pulled in for yet another “random” drug test.
January 9th, 2009 at 11:18 am
OK guys, focus. We’ve got a dog to harrass:
http://twitter.com/weblogawards
Man I’m gonna harrass the shit outta that puppy.
January 9th, 2009 at 11:02 am
lol… its funny.
http://www.ezzal.com
January 9th, 2009 at 11:01 am
i do believe the blog awards are limited to entrants sporting no more than 5 penis jokes per blog article….you just need to clean up o’brien, and its yours.
January 9th, 2009 at 10:55 am
This was hilarious. If I didn’t work alone in a cold, dark, cave of a room, my hypothetical coworkers would have had me dragged away by now. It brought to mind Douglas Adams.
January 9th, 2009 at 10:33 am
goddamit, you made me snort coffee out my nose. the burning!
January 9th, 2009 at 10:32 am
BLASPHEMOUS!
Your post, not the nominations.
January 9th, 2009 at 10:31 am
I’m with Katezorz–there hasn’t yet been an award that deserves you. Even the Nobel Prizes weep silently in the night, lamenting that they could never come close to your glory.
January 9th, 2009 at 10:31 am
DOB got a shout out on the Weblog Awards website.
http://twitter.com/weblogawards
January 9th, 2009 at 10:23 am
Well, there’s ‘war’ in Weblog Awards, so i think it might be a conspiracy, they’re at war with you DOB!!!! Anihilate them!!
January 9th, 2009 at 10:14 am
Not funny.
January 9th, 2009 at 9:56 am
This will not stand! I am hereby founding “The Daniel O’Brien Award for Excellence in Being Daniel O’Brien.” Because really, DOB, you’re too good for these stupid awards. Webbies? Weblogs? None of these so-called awards are deserving of you or your magnificent abs (also, could you upload a few dozen pics of your magnificent abs? I need them… for research). You deserve better.
January 9th, 2009 at 9:44 am
nobody compares to you DOB.
January 9th, 2009 at 9:42 am
“No? Must’ve left it in your sister, then. Huh.” That alone deserves an award lol.
January 9th, 2009 at 9:36 am
I think you earn, at the very least, employee-of-the-month. I’ve heard your work space is clean, and you get along well with others. Who give’s a rat’s left nut what they think. The Anchoress? Pshaw, I say. Lindsay Beyerstein. Give me a break! Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Oh, and there’s no ‘penis’ in Weblog Awards….
January 9th, 2009 at 9:34 am
Yeah, I’m fairly confident that if DOB doesn’t get some sort of physical trophy for his… whatever it is that he would win an award for, he’s going to hurt someone. Which would be hilarious. But still, come on Cracked, give the man something to commemorate his contributions to… that field he contributes to. A stapler with a smiley face drawn on it, a coffee mug with CRACKED LUVS YOU scrawled on the side in permanent marker, a crayon drawing of a blue ribbon, SOMETHING!
January 9th, 2009 at 9:32 am
My heart broke when I saw “Jack” instead of a nickname. You poor thing; it must have been very traumatizing.
There are so many snarky little phrases in here that I couldn’t possibly pick out my favorites… DOB, you are so much freaking FUN to read.
January 9th, 2009 at 9:30 am
Hannah Montana is the one behind DOB never winning any awards.
January 9th, 2009 at 9:30 am
DOB, you win all the imaginary blogger trophies that I have to give. =)
January 9th, 2009 at 9:29 am
Just awesome… Glad you would give props to Ghostface, too.
January 9th, 2009 at 9:25 am
You sir, win at making my day.
“Must have left it in your sister. Huh.” Classic!
If there were a prize (maybe a box of jumbo pixie stix or something) for Most-Use-Of-Dicks-In-A-Nonsexual-Way-But-Still-Awesomely-Done, it would be yours for all eternity.
January 9th, 2009 at 9:20 am
I really, really, really think the other Cracked writers should just band together and start their own contest before DOB goes on a murderous rampage for his trophy and models. In fact, they could save money by MAKING the trophy a model. It’s earth-shattering bursts of insight like that that really make the world a better place to live in.
January 9th, 2009 at 8:57 am
Whenever an article starts with DOB meeting JOB you know it’s going to be good.
January 9th, 2009 at 8:56 am
Seriously, I love articles like this.
Is there a forum for coming up with Jack names? Do we get a No Prize if you use them?
January 9th, 2009 at 8:56 am
“Jack’s Wife”
“No? Must’ve left it in your sister, then. Huh.”
Probably the only reason I read this site is for O’brien articles.
January 9th, 2009 at 8:33 am
DOB, you are such a delight.