We'll be honest: we have no idea why we called this one "Vaseline." It was time to put it a title, and it just felt right, you know? It really has nothing to do with these or any articles that we've published on the site. We're really as confused as you are.
Will this be a continuing trend? Will we keep titling our round-ups with random, unrelated words? It's certainly easier, that's for damn sure. Plus, there are so many words out there, we'll never run out! We could post a new round-up every day if we wanted to! But we don't!
7 Dumbest Things Ever Done by Airport Security
"Please deposit all nail clippers, shampoo and babies in the trash compacter before boarding the plane."
Notable Comment: Two dipshits spent the entire comment section of this article, (as well as a few other articles, actually), fighting back-and-forth about absolutely nothing. Not about the article, or anything. They were just a couple of freaks arguing and boasting about how tough, cool and funny they are, (punctuated by the fact that they spend hours writing comments on the internet, every single morning). This is great, really, because it's exactly why we set up the comments section in the first place. A couple of years ago we were like, "Hey, let's make a website with a bunch of funny articles for free, every day," and then someone else was all, "But we'll need a place for a bunch of puffed-up, trash-talking internerds to argue over bullshit and play make believe," and then a third guy goes "Oh, let's have a comments section after every article. It'll be perfect." Thanks for staying true to the mission, Jason and Fur_beach.
5 Government Programs that Backfired Horrifically
America banned alcohol, and drinking was never a problem in America, ever again.
Notable Comment: The_Prowler wonders " I am still trying to whom the infamous rack belongs, but I have had no such luck." If you've spent any time on this site, you know which rack he's talking about. Does anyone know who this woman is? We've tried finding out, but we were unsuccessful. By this reasoning, we can only assume that she is a manifestation of our idea of a perfect woman, and we created her with our minds. You're all welcome.
The 8 Most Horrifying Body Modifications
We called this one 'Pierce Brosnan' because his name has the word 'Pierce' in it, but we'd also like to point out that we have his face tattooed on our backs.
Notable Comment:Spoo, who judging by this comment is gunning for a job as a Cracked Staff Writer, quips " suppose you want to remove the penis implants? Is that called beading off?" Bam.
7 (Bullshit) Rumors that Caused Real World Catastrophes
So, if no one's pissing in the Corona, why does it still taste like piss?
Notable Comment:Wow. Well, that's the last time we call "football" "soccer," we can tell you that. From now on, whenever we want to talk about "American Soccer," we'll use a different, made-up word so as to avoid a) confusion and b) absurdly furious reactions from Non-Americans. From now on, we'll just call it "Rugby."
HEIST TO MEET YOU!
5 Real Bank Heists Ripped Right out of the Movies
Except, in the movies, there's less implied prison rape.
Notable Comment: Lionheart says " They planted five "suspicious devices," helpfully spray-painted "BOMB" in English at local police stations and around the post office itself. That would be because Swedish for 'bomb' is... 'Bomb'" Right, we know that the Swedish word for "bomb" is "bomb," but it was the English version that was written on the suitcases. It's all about reading the intent of the painter based on the brush strokes. It's a difficult distinction to recognize, but if you look closely, you'll see what we mean.
Why Switching Bodies Would Sometimes Suck
No one actually works in this office, do they?
YOU YOU YOU!
When (Adorable) Animals Attack
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, When (Adorable) Animals Attack.
"And the winner of this year's physicist costume party goes to MISS HADRON COLLIDER!"
Spontaneous Human Confettication
Excuse Me... Everyone... yes, if you could just form a line here to be consumed.
Millions flocked to see the crucifying of Butterfly Jesus.
To those of you that don't immediately recognize that car as the "Dirty Truckster", driven by Dick Dastardly & his faithful dog sidekick Muttley, from the Fender Bender 500 cartoon, let me know what sex with a woman feels like...
"We're here to pick up your daughter"
Warning: Trashcan may ejaculate without warning
In the last days of the Punctuation Wars, the colons launch their last offensive against the apostrophes.
Megatron's younger brother, Pentetrator, while weaker in power, received equal or greater respect from the ladies.
Now this design just doesn't work. How can you see in front of you?
2 lawyers, one holds down the poor defenceless pig, the other screws him in the ass. Typical.
A pinata is caught, and prepared for a party.
Skeletor had to do some things he wasn't particularly proud of to achieve his height of power
WORST. HAMLET. EVER.
Instagram influencers are often absurd.
A good horror story is hard to pull off.
All commercials are a least a little weird.
These actions stars were so bad at being badass, they were just ass.