5 Things You Shouldn't Be Able to Buy on eBay

Guess how many speeds Swaim's dick has!

When not giving guided tours of eBay's nether-world, Michael is the head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!

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About Michael Swaim

I write here sometimes. Also make videos. I also do that one (the videos one) at my own site, Those Aren't Muskets! (www.thosearentmuskets.com). I also do a lot of other stuff, but it's not as directly applicable to the Internet, and I feel like that's what you're probably most interested in. I often shave.

151 Comments

I laughed so freaking much, but that might be mild delirium from being so goddam tired. I cant go to bed. I must continue scouring this site like a headlice comb...

7/2/2009 9:41:37 AM

FuckingInsomnia

I would guess 25 to 26 different speeds

6/29/2009 9:43:08 PM

MatthiasJames

There is a legit site (syphtr) that tells directors/reps
about "unknown" actors - decent move for us who are still struggling, just FYI.

6/28/2009 3:52:01 PM

Elisabeth09

haha

6/23/2009 6:25:46 PM

MikeLiterous

Thanks now I have to kill the next dread wearing beatboxer I see and god forbid he say the words footlocker.

6/7/2009 10:20:23 AM

jer676

I was literally JUST watching that first porn clip before i watched this. What are the odds

5/28/2009 3:14:43 AM

juju69

you r awsome

5/23/2009 4:37:43 PM

melissag1921

Well it kinda looks like a ghost-

oh snap
er-something like that. The point is it was funny, just take the compliment!

5/22/2009 10:56:34 PM

Chickamauga

see you tuesday michael ;)

5/20/2009 1:25:12 PM

moogirl226

Did anyone else notice that the pic of the penis advertisment was DOB?

5/18/2009 5:46:21 PM

1000bpm

haha so funny

3/21/2009 4:13:16 AM

reckless_wreck

Win for the reference to the pancake rabbit

3/14/2009 5:26:03 PM

Sonicsceam2

yeah that's SWAIM, I want to be a robot too
-Hoff_fan

3/11/2009 8:17:47 PM

homerpower

SWAIN is awesome

3/11/2009 8:15:48 PM

homerpower

"BTW, what's the setting right below Prison Rape? I think I'd prefer that one (I like to start things off slow)."

most likely regular rape. Or the equivalent. then beneath that its rape under the influence of alcohol, clumsy, but still illegal.

3/9/2009 7:49:44 AM