Cracked Columnists

The TRUTH about why Obama can't be President

I'm sure you've heard about this BULLSHIT, where the SUPREME COURT of all people have turned their backs on the TRUTH and decided to let some guy with a name that DOESN'T SOUND VERY AMERICAN TO ME be President.

Well I'd like to see this so called "Supreme Court" stop me and my caps lock key from exposing the truth. Using the pages on the Internet that Google Doesn't Want You To Know About I've uncovered the shocking truth about Obama's secret life! Read on, but be warned that the revelations are so outrageous, that your head's ass might just crap its pants!

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April 4th, 1960: Barack Hussein Obama is born in a secret Masonic chapel beneath the streets of Paris. With genetic material scraped from the shroud of Turin and eggs stolen from an unconscious Marilyn Monroe, Obama is carried to term in the womb of a mysterious three headed dog, ancient beyond man's ken. For the first few months of his life he is raised by a shadowy cabal of ancient knights and professional baccart players, who program him with the knowledge he will need to one day destroy America.

Summer 1961: An infant Obama is secretly taken to Hawaii on a submarine powered by free energy.

August 4th, 1961: Barack Obama is "born" in Hawaii.

November 22nd, 1963: Barely three years old, Obama is devastated to hear that his close friend John F Kennedy has been killed. Obama vows to dedicate his life to fighting criminals in their own element, and begins years of audacious martial arts training.

November 9th, 1966: Barack Obama is killed in a car crash while being driven home from day care by his caretaker, Paul McCartney. The tragedy leaves McCartney inconsolable and unable to play music. His bandmates are reluctantly forced to replace him.

November 12th, 1966: Barack Obama is cloned. To make the transition seamless, his fragile new body is accelerated back to the age of six inside of a horrific growth vat powered by children's belief in Santa Claus.

July 20th, 1969: A young Barack Obama wins a Masonic Science Fair project by faking the first landing on the moon using a simple reaction between baking soda and two mice with buzzcuts.

September 1983: As part of his spiritual training, and to please his cruel lord Crom, Obama buries thousands of Atari ET cartridges in the desert.

October 4th, 1985: His training complete, a costumed Barack Obama apprehends his first criminal, television anchorman Dan Rather, who had been terrorizing the city, committing wanton acts of having a liberal media bias. Obama's crime fighting catchphrase "Kenneth! Check these frequent punches! -punch-" is misheard by Rather and then later ruined further by R.E.M. Obama is so disheartened by this that he stops fighting crime, and turns towards politics.

September 13th, 1996: There's one too many Obamas! It turns out the first Obama didn't die during that car crash, and was secreted away by the original Paul McCartney. Together the two had spent the past thirty years living together in a wooden cabin in Idaho, Paul teaching his ward everything he knew about the art of songcraft. In the early nineties the original Obama left his life of seclusion, and begun a meteoric rise up the popular music charts. Upon finding out of this shocking development on the eve of his election to the Illinois Senate, the replacement Obama orchestrates the murder of the original, who is now going by the name Tupac Shakur.

February 12th, 1998: While Googling himself, Obama accidentally misspells his name, comes across the contact details for Osama Bin Laden, and e-mails him on a lark. Amused by the story, Bin Laden agrees to exchange ICQ #'s with the state senator, and the two begin a life long friendship.

September 11th, 2001: Working with his close friend Osama, Obama orchestrates the 9-11 strikes on New York, in a desperate attempt to finish Dan Rather off.

Late 2003: With a Senate seat and potential presidential bid in his future, Obama is forced to curry favor with powerful oil executives. Over the course of the next several months, he sneaks around Southern California under the cover of night, murdering electric cars.

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You and me together can spread the truth dear reader. If you show this article to two friends, who each show it two friends, who each show it to two friends, and then the fifteen of you form a softball team, and you call your team "The Truth" - well... Let's just say I'd like to see the media ignore that! Please sign the comments below if you are willing to participate, but do not have two friends.