I’m sure you’ve heard about this BULLSHIT, where the SUPREME COURT of all people have turned their backs on the TRUTH and decided to let some guy with a name that DOESN’T SOUND VERY AMERICAN TO ME be President.
Well I’d like to see this so called “Supreme Court” stop me and my caps lock key from exposing the truth. Using the pages on the Internet that Google Doesn’t Want You To Know About I’ve uncovered the shocking truth about Obama’s secret life! Read on, but be warned that the revelations are so outrageous, that your head’s ass might just crap its pants!
__
April 4th, 1960: Barack Hussein Obama is born in a secret Masonic chapel beneath the streets of Paris. With genetic material scraped from the shroud of Turin and eggs stolen from an unconscious Marilyn Monroe, Obama is carried to term in the womb of a mysterious three headed dog, ancient beyond man’s ken. For the first few months of his life he is raised by a shadowy cabal of ancient knights and professional baccart players, who program him with the knowledge he will need to one day destroy America.
Summer 1961: An infant Obama is secretly taken to Hawaii on a submarine powered by free energy.
August 4th, 1961: Barack Obama is “born” in Hawaii.
November 22nd, 1963: Barely three years old, Obama is devastated to hear that his close friend John F Kennedy has been killed. Obama vows to dedicate his life to fighting criminals in their own element, and begins years of audacious martial arts training.
November 9th, 1966: Barack Obama is killed in a car crash while being driven home from day care by his caretaker, Paul McCartney. The tragedy leaves McCartney inconsolable and unable to play music. His bandmates are reluctantly forced to replace him.
November 12th, 1966: Barack Obama is cloned. To make the transition seamless, his fragile new body is accelerated back to the age of six inside of a horrific growth vat powered by children’s belief in Santa Claus.
July 20th, 1969: A young Barack Obama wins a Masonic Science Fair project by faking the first landing on the moon using a simple reaction between baking soda and two mice with buzzcuts.
September 1983: As part of his spiritual training, and to please his cruel lord Crom, Obama buries thousands of Atari ET cartridges in the desert.
October 4th, 1985: His training complete, a costumed Barack Obama apprehends his first criminal, television anchorman Dan Rather, who had been terrorizing the city, committing wanton acts of having a liberal media bias. Obama’s crime fighting catchphrase “Kenneth! Check these frequent punches! -punch-” is misheard by Rather and then later ruined further by R.E.M. Obama is so disheartened by this that he stops fighting crime, and turns towards politics.
September 13th, 1996: There’s one too many Obamas! It turns out the first Obama didn’t die during that car crash, and was secreted away by the original Paul McCartney. Together the two had spent the past thirty years living together in a wooden cabin in Idaho, Paul teaching his ward everything he knew about the art of songcraft. In the early nineties the original Obama left his life of seclusion, and begun a meteoric rise up the popular music charts. Upon finding out of this shocking development on the eve of his election to the Illinois Senate, the replacement Obama orchestrates the murder of the original, who is now going by the name Tupac Shakur.
February 12th, 1998: While Googling himself, Obama accidentally misspells his name, comes across the contact details for Osama Bin Laden, and e-mails him on a lark. Amused by the story, Bin Laden agrees to exchange ICQ #’s with the state senator, and the two begin a life long friendship.
September 11th, 2001: Working with his close friend Osama, Obama orchestrates the 9-11 strikes on New York, in a desperate attempt to finish Dan Rather off.
Late 2003: With a Senate seat and potential presidential bid in his future, Obama is forced to curry favor with powerful oil executives. Over the course of the next several months, he sneaks around Southern California under the cover of night, murdering electric cars.
__
You and me together can spread the truth dear reader. If you show this article to two friends, who each show it two friends, who each show it to two friends, and then the fifteen of you form a softball team, and you call your team “The Truth” - well… Let’s just say I’d like to see the media ignore that! Please sign the comments below if you are willing to participate, but do not have two friends.
This entry was posted on Tuesday, December 9th, 2008 at 8:00 am and is filed under 2008 Presidential Campaign, Barack Obama, Conspiracies. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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July 2nd, 2009 at 7:56 am
Oh, also, I love you Bucholz.
July 2nd, 2009 at 7:56 am
I really hope that the comment immediately before mine is a joke.
June 30th, 2009 at 9:35 pm
wow just readin those comments gave me a head ach u can just tell that obama becoming the leader of america ( god help us all ) was to no thanks to them sence u have to be 18 to vote most of them wont be any help next election
heres another little tid bit during elections around here schoolers who were regerstered to vote in urban schools were bused to voteing stations during school (bit too biased for me)
but then i did notice some one menton that now our tax dollars will help us instead of bringing democracy to iraq (weather they want it or not thats america i cant do any thing about it) but from what i hear hes planning on building a transportation system from las vegas to dinsey land i also know that there was a man recently couldnt take the money out from his bank account due to a new law obama passed thus excriceing his freedom of speech muttered some thing about killing obama when he left the teller called the cops and the man was arrested for treason
June 20th, 2009 at 8:48 pm
Haha well guess this article sucks! Cos guess what people. Barrack Hussien Obama is President!!!! And there ain’t nothing you scumbag haters can do about it ;P
June 8th, 2009 at 11:01 pm
You don’t sound American, traitor.
June 7th, 2009 at 11:07 pm
I love it, the way websites like this can make ANYTHING seem trivial through the use of seething sarcasm.
“Yeah, him needing a birth certificate to prove that he was born in America is TOTALLY relevant. I mean, if he was born in another country, that would be sacrilegious! Let’s get an old white guy into the office, instead.”
State the truth, but state it in such a fashion to make it sound like sarcasm, and BAM; you’ve won the argument and people’s hearts.
EVERYTHING Obama does wrong is casually brushed under a rug and, when pointed to, is either given a shrug, or the red-flag-waver is called a racist or some such nonsense.
I’m guessing that the BEST thing Obama can do is. . . nothing.
May 31st, 2009 at 11:24 am
I am very confused how a birth certificate from FRANCE is not printed in FRENCH! I am fluent in English and French, so I know that isnt French, I think im a little smarter than you buddy. Obama is president, nothing you can do about it.
April 13th, 2009 at 7:43 pm
this isnt even funny guy. you just posted that obama committed the 911 attacks which werent even funny to begin with. if youre going to say tacky and taboo things then you should at least develop a real sense of humor
April 13th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Ok. NINTENDO IS BEHIND THIS.
LISTEN: When you fight brock, you get TM 08 for beating him, which is bide.
B(a)r(a)k 08 bide(n)
also, if you line up notradomus and nintendo, the “n” “t” and “d” line up (if notradomus is spelt right)
April 13th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
i lol’d
April 11th, 2009 at 9:57 pm
well hes president now to bad for you move to canada if u dont like it <3
March 31st, 2009 at 8:39 am
I did not really think that this was funny. Not one of your better pieces of work.
March 24th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Hey, Jenny, you know what else sucks? Your grammar skills.
Perhaps, before you go making fun of someone you don’t personally know for “sucking”, you should first make sure you don’t suck because, boy, would it look dumb!
Also, how can you already judge a president only a few months into his tenure?
March 13th, 2009 at 11:52 am
I’ll rather have a socialist Obama than a War loving, Religion abusing, torture giving Bush. At least he will use our tax money to help us not use it to go to war with muslims. Religion wars, worse than Hitler’s genocide.
March 4th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
id rather have Bush fro the next 20 years than Obama he sucks!!!!!!!!!!!
February 17th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
How is he the next Hitler, he hasn’t killed any Jews yet. You’re just sad because Bush can’t sit there like a freakin’ moron for the next 20 years…
February 17th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Haha. You are very funny and retarded!! lol Sad to say, some of that might be true. I hate Barack Obama!!! He’s the next Hitler!
February 5th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Best thing about this article is jazzmin
January 27th, 2009 at 11:06 am
jazzmin i love you
January 23rd, 2009 at 10:19 pm
The TRUTH: Obama was Hitler’s personal secretary!
January 23rd, 2009 at 6:35 pm
oh and u guys so ignerent instead of sittin here tlkin crap about obama because u here some stupid rumors about obama from som ignerent haterz u relly need to get a life and go look at ur selves in the mirror because talkin bout people just shows u have issues and u need to back off,stop bein jelous and go spend some time gettin a reality chech cause obama is our president and u cant do any thing about it . oh and prove all them things ur talkin about how can u prove he was in training for a terrorist oh yeah ya cant so shut up!!!duh
January 23rd, 2009 at 6:28 pm
u guys r all dumb u all need to get a life and stop hatin on obama..!!!!! obama is the president of the united states so get over it haterz oh and get a life!!!!duh
January 22nd, 2009 at 2:05 am
I am forming a softball team tomorrow.
January 20th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
You are dumb. and let me tell you when you start off your story with the first sentence with “bull shit” in it, you instantly sound like and idiot.
January 17th, 2009 at 3:28 am
I don’t know which is more hilarious, the article or the comments.
1. Obama is not the Anti-Christ, if you’re even suggesting he is then he cannot be as the Anti-Christ’s rise to power (as described in the bible) describes him as being an excellent leader who deceives the whole world, and is NOT suspected of being anything else. In other words, If you think he’s the Anti-Christ he’s not. Simple as that.
2. Obama supporters, this is a Comedy website, by getting all offended or defensive of him, oyu really just look silly. Its sort of like that old quote about how you can tell a mans weakness by the jokes he doesn’t laugh at. Alls getting defensive about him proves is that you’re more concerned with him as a person than him as a politician (aka you’re no better than the black/white idiots who only voted/didn’t vote for him because he’s “black”, which is a very bad way to decide who who represents a country btw.)
3. 2pac, and Barack Rhyme, coincidence? I THINK NOT.
January 15th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
Fauxbama killed Tupac?! dammit!
and he didn’t kill dan rather. double damn.
i’ll spread this message.
January 6th, 2009 at 7:53 pm
Clever.
Very Clever.
January 6th, 2009 at 11:10 am
Oh my
Best Article ever.
This was good.
I applaud.
December 25th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
Oh my god at first I thought this was some crazy right-wing bullsh*t but wow this is funny good job
December 22nd, 2008 at 7:02 pm
Tupac’s still alive though…….
December 18th, 2008 at 9:57 pm
So that’s what happened to Tupac!
December 18th, 2008 at 10:44 am
You have got to be crazy.this wouldn`t even make a good fairy tale.
December 16th, 2008 at 9:36 pm
Hahahahahahahahaha
December 14th, 2008 at 4:22 am
LMFAO @ the Tupac reference!!!
And guys… if you’re going to get into some hugeass debate about politics and actually want to be taken seriously, I don’t think the comments section on Cracked would be the best place to do so…
December 13th, 2008 at 7:59 am
also, very funny article.
December 13th, 2008 at 7:54 am
Karsten — “But what I find fucking hilarious is that most of Obama’s appointments have been renown conservatives leaving many of his fellow democrats feeling betrayed.”
I agree, it’s so fucking hilarious that every single one of Obama’s economic appointments with previous affiliations are Democrats, and that in the broader cabinet there is not yet a single Republican. That certainly is concerning his fellow democrats. I bet they’re just STEWING.
But please, in the interests of not constraining conservative/liberal ideologies to parties, do us the honour of identifying the conservatives amongst Obama’s appointments. You said most, so you’ll need 8.
Give it up. Seriously. You and your idiot ‘fiscal conservative’ friends need to stop trying so hard to claim the inbound policies of fiscal caution and competence in the face of an economic disaster as fiscal conservatism.
I wish I could predict whether the multi-billion dollar programs still on their agenda are going to wipe the stupid grin off your face, or if you’ll just go catatonic trying to maintain your idiotic delusion.
December 13th, 2008 at 7:18 am
Love the article! It’s about time people start making hilarious article about this shit.
December 12th, 2008 at 10:41 pm
[...] The Truth About Why Obama Can’t Be President [...]
December 12th, 2008 at 8:55 pm
The only real problem is that this isn’t the most outrageous theory out there.
December 12th, 2008 at 4:21 am
This article is not intended seriously. If you are analyzing its political merits, then you either lack perspective or a sense of humor.
December 11th, 2008 at 8:34 pm
Hmm, this article fails in the ha-ha department. You should’ve made it believable and it would’ve been more funny.
I’ve read through lot of these posts and I think that people announcing here about this article being satire are embarrassing themselves. 10-year-old even with american education would know that.
People who post strongly here about this post aren’t necessarily believing that this particular article holds much fact at all, but rather that there are still issues about Obama that need discussing.
December 11th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
I have about decided that some people can’t handle the truth.
December 11th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
I’m five years old and a giant asshole whose mother dropped him on the head so many times I *still* can’t figure out the whole shit-goes-in-the-toilet thing. That’s why I can’t understand satire/sarcasm and that’s why I say that this article is the stupidest, un-funniest thing I’ve ever read! Boo-HOO! Excuse me, I need to go and clean the shit out of my pants.
December 11th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
I didn’t vote Obama, I am a fiscal conservative. But what I find fucking hilarious is that most of Obama’s appointments have been renown conservatives leaving many of his fellow democrats feeling betrayed. The funny thing is the New World Order some of the crazies flipped out about earlier in the comments as a defense to this “stupid” article will not actually happen, just a more common sense president. This is why I still believe in a Republic, because if it was a direct democracy this country would have died long ago.
December 11th, 2008 at 11:09 am
so suprised at how people took this as offensive…
ok I too found some truth about obama on the internet!
here it goes;
As you know George Bush is the Sithlord, but what you dont know is that Obama is his apprentice.
Before the election Obama was infected by aids grown inside ET’s body as an assaination attept by Dan Rather.
So to save his life,
the evil Sith lord George W. Bush had the superblood blessed by Satan to be infused in his body. Then John mccain had his voters vote for Obama so that Obama would win and they can go on to part on of their plans of stealing the hope diamond and fund the secret U.S. plan of making sucidal bombing Ninja Pirate Cyborg Zombie Squirrels with laserguns, cup holders, Microwave oven, antibullet shields, surface to air anti aircraft chainsaw rocket launchers and hdtv attachments.
All to team up with their close friend Osama in order for there real goal of overthrowing every major religion to found their one true religion Cheejameeke: Where the worship a god- a buddhist/rabbi who can turn into a hamburger and is named Chuck-e-Cheese.
Also who ever worships this god not only is immortal, but they feed off the tears of victims, the souls of babies, the hopes and dreams of the sick and dying and the prayers of the suffering. It gives the sith nurishment.
And contrary to popular belief the real reason why the economy is suffering is because the Jedi were supose to maintain its balance untill Bill O’Rielly called Bill Marh to inform their master (Obama) about how to terrorize more children this christmas…so they got Ellen Degenerates (who’s actually a man named Tim McGraw) to kill the God of Money Making using soap, flux compassitor, a magic bean, some lightbrights and max payne video game covers…in order to travel back in time to kill Kennedy and frame Lee Harvy Oswald.
December 11th, 2008 at 8:48 am
April 4th, 1960: Obama is reborn from the ashes in which he lived for century’s. taking a liking to his new form he lives his life until age 5. He then joins a group called american ant eaters assosiation (aaa). there he meets clem the lonely ant eater(also he can talk… and fly). They then come up with the plan to put obama in the whitehouse. Age 10, obama meets god and bestowed upon him is the secret to life to aid him in his quest. Age 11, obama and clem ride the waves of hawaii. Age 15, obama learns that he grows stronger after feeding on the tears of children. Age 18, obama loses clem in an accident that involves peanut butter, a dentist, and 12 sticks of dynamite.
December 11th, 2008 at 8:09 am
haha you guys are fucking retarded.
December 11th, 2008 at 4:55 am
A) Barrack Obama is a 10-feet tall beastman who showers in vodka and feeds his babies shrimp scampi, I saw him shoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe. He’d eat a homeless person if you dare him. His heart is like a basketball filled with ricotta cheese and his poop is considered currency in Argentina. He made Tony Romo fumble the ball!
B) Barrack Obama’s tears can cure cancer. He gave Hillary Clinton HIV! and Bill LOVED him for it! He loves mac and cheese, but he hates pork, but he likes blogs, and he loves youtube, and he loves the police, but he hates the band. Barrack Obama created the matrix!
C) Barrack Obama is a secret muslim-marxist atheist-corporate colluding-wealth redistributing-elitist-community organizing-terrorist befriending-ignorant on terrorism non-citizen of Hawaii who has the papers to prove it.
One of these is not like the others, care to point out which?
Sadly, the 2008 race would have been so much more awesome if it were A, or B.
December 11th, 2008 at 3:55 am
It is teh liez!!! I noes bcoz I have seen the burth sert!
It is at here!!!
http://scottthong.wordpress.com/2008/11/05/obamas-american-birth-certificate-found1one/
December 11th, 2008 at 3:37 am
The police already know and the nay sayers below are lobbyists sent by obama to make your beliefs waver
December 11th, 2008 at 2:58 am
I enjoy tihs atricle. I only trust secret people. If everything was out inthe open, we’d all be sissy cry-babies!
December 11th, 2008 at 2:26 am
Obama revoked Pluto’s status as a planet.
December 11th, 2008 at 2:04 am
all i can say is lol… people who took this seriously are idiots.
grow up. take a joke, move the fuck on with your life.
the end.
December 11th, 2008 at 1:50 am
wait… is this really true? b/c somebody should really tell the police about this
December 11th, 2008 at 1:30 am
TW501 sounds like a genius.
December 11th, 2008 at 1:19 am
Oh Cracked! Why dost thou let the occasional gay-ass unfunny article on to your site? 20 seconds of my life I can never get back… For shame…
December 11th, 2008 at 12:41 am
Obama is responsible for S.I.D.S.
December 11th, 2008 at 12:24 am
barack Obama forged his Subway Sub Club card and ruined it for everybody.
December 11th, 2008 at 12:23 am
Barack Obama was driving Princess Di’s limo.
December 11th, 2008 at 12:17 am
Actually, Obama is a natural born citizen. he was born in Hawaii two years after it achieved statehood. To imply otherwise is at best misinformed and at worst blatant lies. That claim that his birth certificate was a forgery sounds highly suspicious to me. All evidence shows that he was indeed born in Hawaii after it had achieved statehood. See for yourself that this was made up.
http://snopes.com/politics/obama/citizen.asp
December 10th, 2008 at 11:46 pm
I think Obama is a legitimate American. However, the scan of the Cert of Live Birth that was produced was found to be a forgery. The records are under lock and key. Obama refuses to show a real, valid, stamped certificate.
If there is no problem just show the damn document. Obama is making this a bigger deal than it needs to be. Problem is the truthers are letting him lead them on. I can just imagine that he’s waiting for just the right moment to produce it an generate a sympathy wave out of all this.
If my above assumption is correct it just continues to prove what a passive-aggressive narcisistic jackass he is. I still can’t believe it was him or McCain, talk about bad and worse choices.
December 10th, 2008 at 11:33 pm
I’m surprised more people who read Cracked can’t recognize basic satire…
December 10th, 2008 at 11:09 pm
Barack Obama sends people belated birthday cards.
December 10th, 2008 at 11:03 pm
Wow! I can’t believe some people are taking this seriously XD
December 10th, 2008 at 10:54 pm
Also, he was actually born in Ireland…”O’Bama”
December 10th, 2008 at 10:53 pm
I heard that Barack Obama parks in handicap spaces.
December 10th, 2008 at 10:50 pm
Pics or GTFO
December 10th, 2008 at 10:45 pm
And then you americans don’t want to be called morons. Just by reading 1% of the comments proves the theory.
btw, i lol’d with the article.
December 10th, 2008 at 10:29 pm
God. the election stopped being funny November 5th… 2007
Can we just stop now?
December 10th, 2008 at 10:05 pm
I shall say this once more, as this no longer amuses me. If you have something stupid to say, please refrain from typing it here. Your idiocies can go somewhere else.
December 10th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
Hey Busholz, you think that getting progressively poor is funny?
You think I weep from happines when I see bankers getting bailed out so they can continue raping the world?
You think I enjoy my bank account being fucked by dollar fluctuations?
You think I really enjoy drinking asparthame?
You think I really enjoy seeing videos of some insanely rich fuckers chanting in front of giant stone owl in the middle of the fucking woods?
You think this makes me laugh and scratch my bum?
You think I laugh when I hear IRS bureaucrat say on camera in Iddish “Nothing will help you”?
You think I have set my desktop picture with some Iraqy kid with shreded legs?
And laugh every time I see it?
Well, you obviously think all these things. Otherwise I can’t explain how you can write this article and sleep well.
December 10th, 2008 at 9:20 pm
Robb,
Does Martin Luther King remind you of Hitler?
December 10th, 2008 at 9:13 pm
Brockway’s Obama blog was over 750 last I checked. We’ve got some catching up to do people! You don’t have to make your comments long. Really. Please don’t make them long. People will just skip over them anyway, so don’t bother. *really… please
December 10th, 2008 at 9:13 pm
Articles like these just throw people off the truth which is the coming New World Order and Obama will play his part in it even though it was irrelevant which candidate people chose in end.
Have you actually watched videos of his speeches during his campaign? People are praising him like nazis praised Hitler. It’s horrifying.
BTW I’m not american myself but seriously people, open your eyes.
December 10th, 2008 at 9:09 pm
And that’s why I didn’t vote for him.
December 10th, 2008 at 8:48 pm
Worst if I might call it “article” ever read. Chris Bucholz, You are really unique.
December 10th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
Also….Willy, next time try using a capital “J” in Jesus. A little respect is all I’m sayin’. What with him being the son of God and dying for everyone’s sins when we’ve yet to prove we’re worth it.
Silly Jesus.
December 10th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
I heard that Barack Obama was caught necking in the movie theater during “Schindler’s List”.
December 10th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
Wasn’t it Tupac who sang, “Although it seems heaven-sent, we ain’t ready to have a black President.” Interesting…Tupac was clearly trying to say Obama couldn’t be President, and that is why he was shot.
I also heard Obama impregnated Bristol Palin and Jamie Lynn Spears.
December 10th, 2008 at 8:28 pm
That was Hilarious, all the people that took that seriously or posted any kind of serious comments on the discussion for this are so stupid they probably think Democrat is a demo of a coming political attraction.
December 10th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
@free my willy: “December 10th, 2008 at 10:30 am
lbh muslims arent the only people who dont eat pork, jews dont eat pork too, and neither did jesus
and yes you are ignorant”
Jews don’t eat pork? OMG! NO SHIT, REALLY?
Silly jews.
Hey do you know who’s a silly jew?
Mel Brooks.
*BTW, I’ve got a good friend who identifies strongly with being jewish, he just not a practicing jew. He has eaten pork on occasion, so lighten up there…
silly willy.
BOOBIES, DONUTS and….Weiner Poopies!
December 10th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
All these stupid little pee-ons who believe the untruth. This DAMNED Internet shit is your demise and it will be your biggest burden. There is no place for the truth, no one hears.
December 10th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
If you have something stupid to say, refrain from typing it here.
December 10th, 2008 at 7:59 pm
fuck with the truth and you can eat your own shit. What dumb fucking site and what a bunch of dumb fucking assholes
December 10th, 2008 at 7:56 pm
HAHAHA I bet you a million bucks some conservative redneck believes all of this! Republicans, your comments simply say this “WAHHHH WAHHHHH WAHHHHH WE LOST! MCCAIN SHOULD HAVE WON!.” Get the fuck over it. You lost! Go back into your trailer parks, back woods, and hill-billie bars!
December 10th, 2008 at 7:49 pm
@Alex Cassell:
Aren’t you my cousin?
Click once if you know thijs.
December 10th, 2008 at 7:49 pm
Are you retards fucking serious? The entire article was written in tongue in cheek fashion.
“With genetic material scraped from the shroud of Turin and eggs stolen from an unconscious Marilyn Monroe”
How in the name of Holy Fucking Samurai Jesus could anyone take that seriously?
December 10th, 2008 at 7:47 pm
obama is possibly going to be the worst president ever. take from the rich, give to the poor..this isnt a fairy tale robin hood. stop being so blinded by his charisma. he is indeed the anti-christ. god help us all.
December 10th, 2008 at 7:43 pm
THIS IS REALLY STUPID. GET A LIFE AND SHUT THE FUCK UP.
December 10th, 2008 at 7:29 pm
“While I realize this is Cracked (or should I say On-Crack)”
shut the fuck up, you foolish cunt
December 10th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
Bucholz could easily get an aneurysm by reading just half of these responses.
December 10th, 2008 at 7:09 pm
This can’t be real? Sources?
December 10th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
fuck you
December 10th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
ROFLMAO! To the wonderful satire and also this great comment below
“Coming to Cracked and complaining that the jokes are in bad taste is like wanting refunds for Special Olympics tickets because all the competitors were retarded”
December 10th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
I don’t know how legitimate the theory of Obama being a clone of Tupac Shakur is in the first place.
I guess my overall point is that reasonable discussion or even lighthearted satire is preferable to slanderous accusations and political pissing matches. I’m tired of people shouting their opinions in my face like they were gospel truth.
I’m done trolling now. (I hate it when people do that…)
December 10th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
[...] and decided to let some guy with a name that DOESNT SOUND VERY AMERICAN TO ME be President.From:http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-truth-about-why-obama-cant-be-president/ Publicado por Aaron en [...]
December 10th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
MODERATOR: Please for the love of god delete all of these people who didn’t read the article.
Or put a disclaimer that says “Satire? Dunno wot that sayz internets???? Wiktionary! (even more annoying punctuation)”
JUST GET RID OF THESE PEOPLE seriously the stupidity is bringing cracked down. Oh yeah, and where are they all coming from? Digg or something? Everybody stop digging this.
Having said that: So, Jesus WAS black? I knew it
December 10th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
[...] Dec. 10th, 2008 at 5:18 PM Im sure youve heard about this BULLSHIT, where the SUPREME COURT of all people have turned their backs on the TRUTH and decided to let some guy with a name that DOESNT SOUND VERY AMERICAN TO ME be President.Source:http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-truth-about-why-obama-cant-be-president/ [...]
December 10th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
@Anonymous
“but the President of the United States is nowhere near comparable to a fart joke”
I don’t know, the one we had for the last eight years damn sure is, for a plethora of farty reasons.
December 10th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
“why obama can’t be president”,…
well I got news for you…..the people spoke and he IS GOING TO BE!
December 10th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
First off, we’ve recently experienced a conservative president disregarding the Constitution and making laws for himself, so forgive me if I can’t take your “The President needs to adhere to the Constitution” too seriously. Nevertheless, I agree with you the President does need to adhere.
As for Obama’s birth…what legitimate questions still remain? I’m not understanding…the birth certificate was produced, the birth announcement from the 1961 paper was produced…maybe we could go to Florida and get the courts to halt the recoun….wait, never mind.
Look, if after 4 years our country is going even further down the shitter, I’ll be the first at the booth the vote the mofo out. But after 8 years of unconstitutional, unamerican, unintelligent leadership, I just cannot, for the life of me, take right wingers concerns seriously. Sack up and realize Bush painted you all into a huge corner. I believe Obama is the right man for the job, the best man for the job…and to question not his leadership skills, but something as ludicrous as his birth, after supporting documentation has been produced…it’s simply childish. It’s a irrational attempt at holding on to something that’s already done. You had your 8 years of retarded leadership that has seriously damaged this country…how about we pipe down now, take it like a man, and let’s see how Obama does. I guarantee you nothing he can do in 4 years will be anywhere NEARLY as bad as what has happened over the past 8.
December 10th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
Guest_Name: “Unless people are willing to take part in rational, informed debate, I will exercise my right to laugh at them.”
That’s the problem, though. Rather than take this issue seriously, a joke has been made out of it, thereby, de-legitimizing the debate. While I realize this is Cracked (or should I say On-Crack) and not CNN, it doesn’t help forward the debate in any serious way. Instead, it is designed to get people to laugh at the issue and dismiss it rather than debate it seriously. And, that is my biggest problem with this article and others like it.
December 10th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
Dearest Anonymous:
Unfortunately, labels like “liberal” or “conservative” tend to have a negative connotation in today’s political environment. I, for one, take offense to being blindly labeled one way or the other, and I think many people on both sides feel the same way.
As to the divisive nature of this article, it’s important to take it in context. It’s not appearing on MSNBC or CNN, it’s Cracked.
In regards to “laughing away criticisms” of certain candidates, some criticisms are laughable, plain and simple. For every person who makes a legitimate point about lack of experience or voting records, there are three more shouting about firearms bans and totalitarian rule. Unless people are willing to take part in rational, informed debate, I will exercise my right to laugh at them.
December 10th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
Guest_Name: “Most people don’t fall under blanket labels, having views that espouse both sides of American politics.”
I think most that are into politics would agree with that.
Guest_Name: “Name calling only exacerbates the atmosphere of divisiveness that pervades our political culture.”
I’m not “name calling,” but instead attempting to abbreviate and identify the two primary opposing political ideologies that exist in our country today. If one is looking to bridge divides, articles like this perform the opposite service.
Guest_Name: “Also: Dick, fart, boobies. (Comment was too serious.)”
I like “fart jokes” just as much as the next guy, but the President of the United States is nowhere near comparable to a fart joke. That was my point, and that is the problem I have with the liberal habit of laughing away criticisms of their candidates. You would not afford your candidate’s conservative counterpart the same, so don’t do your candidate any special favors. The constitution should be taken seriously and followed regardless of party.
December 10th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
Anonymous: Oh, of course! Satire is for idiots who don’t have any decent ideas! I see it so clearly now! Thanks for clearing that up.
People like you, with your “liberal” this, and “conservative” that are a major part of the problem, my friend. Most people don’t fall under blanket labels, having views that espouse both sides of American politics. Name calling only exacerbates the atmosphere of divisiveness that pervades our political culture.
So forgive me if my natural reaction to unchecked lunacy is to make “cutsie little jokes [sic]“, but some people are so far out in left (or right, as the case may be) field that it’s difficult to take them seriously.
Also: Dick, fart, boobies. (Comment was too serious.)
December 10th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
WTG!
The Obamamessiah will save us all, Ya jus’ gots ta bahlieve!
Fo’ shizzle!
December 10th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
If you can’t compete in the arena of ideas, attempt to make cutsie little jokes. That seems to be the rule for liberals these days. Look no further than the ever-popular liberals like Daily, Colbert, or Olberman, to name a few, for proof.
Let me remind you liberals that it’s all fun and games until the joke is on you too. Obama will be President to all of us, so when fails he will fail you too. Further, a future conservative President could be in a similar situation, and I have a feeling you liberals won’t be so forgiving. Personally, I want our Presidents to adhere to our constitution regardless of party.
There are legitimate questions regarding Obama’s birth and, therefore, his eligibility to be President as laid out in the constitution. Set your bias aside and take the time to look into the claims before jumping to conclusions.
December 10th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Is this serious? The asinine comment regarding Obama’s unAmerican name is really the only comment that could have plausibly come from an uninformed though mentally sound American. Whoever wrote this is either having a great laugh or is currently hiding out in his broom closet inventing absurd conspiracy theories from the fetal position. But, upon reading this article again I am inclined to think this a clever piece of political satire so that I may sleep peacefully tonight.
December 10th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
This is the dumbest article in recent memory. Was this an attempt at a joke?
December 10th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
HATERZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
December 10th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
HE IS A GREAT MAN
quit fukin hatin!
December 10th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
LEAVE BARACK OBAMA ALONE!!!!!
December 10th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
Jeezus. Great, funny satire.
Horribly idiotic comments. Read first, Comprehend next…then post.
December 10th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
aids has manifested into a living being. barack.
December 10th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
yeah that whole nazi unfortunate incident… barack.
December 10th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Thank you for clearing this up!
December 10th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
obama is responsible for global warming, he eats aborted fetuses for lunch, he uses the tears of children as a refreshing drink, obama has mind powers which causes fine white women to orgasm at the speed of light, obama engineered the black death which killed 25% of europe,
yes we all know now obama is a secret muslim ninja who engages in covert warfare against great country music
god help us all
December 10th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
you people fucking kill me. get a grip wackos
December 10th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
“Coming to Cracked and complaining that the jokes are in bad taste is like wanting refunds for Special Olympics tickets because all the competitors were retarded
Now that was hilarious”
Yes timgsm, that was fucking hilarious.
@squidbilly/ secret squirrel “I’m not flirting, I was sincerely mistaken”
That ….that…. just really hurts my feelings. I’m crushed.
December 10th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
also….if you look past the mistakes at the begining of the Iraq war and the eventual 10 year old policy on housing that screwed us on the economy, the past 8 years wasnt that bad …like for example people in africa are getting more aids medicine which is a really good thing (look it up….it was on ABCnews earlier)
trust me. Oh and before you call me a bushie, or uncle tom, or some other shit, the first guy I ever voted for is the Messia-er Barack Obama, and proud of it.
He’s president now(I mean in Janurary), so I’m looking forward to
see both dem’s and rep’s complain how he didn’t do a good job or he’s screwing up and hiliary clinton for 2012 or sarah palin for 2012 and yadayadayada….
December 10th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Man I dont know whats funnier, the original post or the comments. People, who I’m assuming are under the age 18, living with their parents, and or just really really lonely in their life are actually putting up a large fuckin riot fuss. I’m gonna guess that of all the people reading this(going by the amount of comments, scientific data and all margin of error)
25% have no life (they live in their parents basement and blog)
20% are those damn 12 yr old kids on Xbox live/World of Warcraft aka WoW (hehehe…WoW)
30% idiots who’d believe anything they see on internet sites run by jackasses
10% are people who’s mom and dad are brother and sister
another 10% are like most hollywood celebs who are fighting for some kind of cause…even if they dont understand…yet they do it so people can look at them or pay attention to them
and the rest of us are just those of us who want to ENJOY THE FUCKIN ARTICLE AND KNOWS THE GUY ISN’T TRYING TO ATTACK OBAMA, NOR SHOULD ANYONE WITH AN AVERAGE INTELLIGENCE SHOULD TAKE IT SERIOUSLY!!!!!
its fuckin cracked.fuckin com for christ fuckin sakes I can understand if this was a CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, or a newspaper article but goddamnit.
sorry bout the rant….just bored and suprised how many dipshits use the web now and then…where the hell was I the past few years?
ey..Juan. I’ve tried, but Feud said its too late. =)
December 10th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Obama uses children’s hopes for a tissue and their dreams for toilet paper.
December 10th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
OK, first off no one is seriously taking this article, um, seriously. It’s just an excuse for a political argument. So all the non-Americans thinking that we “don’t get it”, trust me, we do. BUT, in true American fashion, we’re going to start a fight over it!
Secondly, Obama won because he was the Democratic candidate. If Hillary won the primary, she would probably be president. It’s solely because Bush did so f-in horrible that this country was desperate for a change. So GOP, thank Bush for getting Obama elected.
Finally, Obama didn’t win solely because he got the black vote…(yes, I heard that Howard Stern thing…it was funny, and it did disgust this white Obama supporter…) but a hell of a lot more white people voted for him than black.
I like big boobs and I cannot lie.
December 10th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
This is hilarious!
December 10th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Heyzeus fucking christ. I can not even spell my name.
December 10th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
I’m a wee bit afraid that some nut in the internet (and, probably, US of A) would believe the living shit out of this article.
December 10th, 2008 at 11:54 am
[...] The TRUTH about why Obama can’t be President | Cracked.com __________________ ‘96 LX450, 33" Revos, OME lifted, etc, etc Love the life you live, live the life you love. -Bob Marley Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. -Oscar Wilde Right-click image transloading made blindingly easy. Firefox users, auto-embed youtube videos on mud. TUT / Stats [...]
December 10th, 2008 at 11:48 am
I am Barack Obama the First a.k.a Tupac Shakur and I am still reading this
December 10th, 2008 at 11:45 am
well, I like to call myself a Partiot, and I feel like I’ve been let down by by my country when I read something like this. Let’s get to the bottom of this and figure out where he was born once and for all. We should burn him, piss on his ashes, and analyse the remains for tell-tale scientific traces of being a muslim. Only then will we know if he’s fit to lead our magnificent country. God bless you all.
December 10th, 2008 at 11:37 am
This is so not funny at all… my god.
December 10th, 2008 at 11:36 am
This all a bunch of hooey. It has already been firmly established that the original Obama was killed by Obama’s third clone (who was also responsible for assassinating JFK, thalidomide in babies, and the invention of methamphetamine).
December 10th, 2008 at 11:35 am
“Mr. Madison. What you’ve just said….is one of the most insanely idiotic things I’ve ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response was there anything that could even be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”
December 10th, 2008 at 11:10 am
Who is this Obama person and would he like my nuts on his forehead?
December 10th, 2008 at 10:57 am
Coming to Cracked and complaining that the jokes are in bad taste is like wanting refunds for Special Olympics tickets because all the competitors were retarded
Now that was hilarious
December 10th, 2008 at 10:53 am
I heard Obama has a secret death ray that allows him to see your thoughts through a television screen and collect all your credit card numbers. He is behind 82% of all identity thefts in US. He uses this money to fund a secret terrorist base on the moon, which was covered up by his earlier conspiracy (Thus explaining why no one has landed on the moon in so many years).
December 10th, 2008 at 10:49 am
I must be a fuckin moron. I read this and though, “This is fucking funny.” But now that I’ve read the comments, this is either a slam against our president (Obama, not the retard), or a serious opinion piece about the global economy and war with Pakistan.
No, wait a minute. Perhaps I’m not a moron. Maybe I’m Canadian. Or is that the same thing? Eh?
- Confused in Michigan
December 10th, 2008 at 10:47 am
“that your head’s ass might just crap its pants!”
I love stuff like that!!! LOL!
December 10th, 2008 at 10:46 am
The fact that some people are angry about this scares me. Its satirical, and if you can’t see that, I have to admit I just lost a little bit more faith in the American education system. Regardless of the several morons in the bunch, it was very well done. Kudos
December 10th, 2008 at 10:41 am
My WORD! He really IS the Anti-Christ!
So… Damn good thing I voted for him!
We will SMASH the World-Wide Christian infrastucture!
We will make Woody Guthrie’s “This Land Is Your Land” the REAL National Anthem!
We will bring the Smurfs BACK to Saturday morning television!
And we will clone Spanky McFarland and put him in the Vatican as Pope Spanky the 1st!
You Fools! You cannot stop us!
*NYAH-ha-haaaa!*
FREE RHODE ISLAND!
SALUTE THE RADIOACTIVE FROGS FROM KRYPTON!
Hail Satan!
December 10th, 2008 at 10:39 am
Umm, do you people who are angry about this know what satire is? I am Canadian and I figured it out.
December 10th, 2008 at 10:30 am
lbh muslims arent the only people who dont eat pork, jews dont eat pork too, and neither did jesus
and yes you are ignorant
December 10th, 2008 at 10:18 am
As a lifelong Democrat, it makes me sad to admit that the current recession/depression is the result of more than a decade of, not just, corporate greed & de-regulation but also lax congressional oversite on both sides of the aisle.
We will not be invading Pakistan, or any other country for that matter, because our country is not merely flat broke but trillions of $ in debt. Diplomacy is all we can afford at the moment.
The only way we would properly manage another invasion is if our creditors (China etc…) are willing to help fund it.
DONUTS!
and
Boobs!
December 10th, 2008 at 10:05 am
To Heyzues: Yeah! What the fuck is up with all that crumbling decor and rusted fences?! That shit pisses me off. Everytime I drive by I get so fucking jelous! I want a beater with rims to, instead of my geo metro! And my girl? Wheres the fucking ass on my girl?! And don’t get me started on my complete lack of bling!
December 10th, 2008 at 10:00 am
Yeah, its not like Obama stole all the black votes that normally go to Republicans. Statistically, the black vote usually goes democrat, regardless of the candidate’s race.
December 10th, 2008 at 9:51 am
Why do some people believe that the only reason Obama was able to get elected is because he is black? I will admit that every time I drive through the ghetto I wonder why black people have it so much better than me. Now that I think about it they do get an unfair advantage. Just have everything handed to them while whitey has to work twice as hard to get half as much.
December 10th, 2008 at 9:49 am
“I must say it will be funny seeing a guy trying to run the US with smoke signals, invading Pakistan, making friends with Iran and convincing them to love Israel all in his first day.
All I can say about this guy is welcome to the next Depression”
I dont think he will invade Pakistan, just send in special forces… Atleast he isnt going to war like bush did…
You can thank bush for the next Depression.
December 10th, 2008 at 9:47 am
@Flanker: Stop calling his speech “Shirley”!
December 10th, 2008 at 9:36 am
Nice article.
Obama and his ever popular “Surely” speech during the democratic convention where he states the obvious with the words surely in front of it and avoids giving a solution.
I must say it will be funny seeing a guy trying to run the US with smoke signals, invading Pakistan, making friends with Iran and convincing them to love Israel all in his first day.
All I can say about this guy is welcome to the next Depression
December 10th, 2008 at 9:15 am
what a complete prick you are, ok so some of his life isnt true, but from the view you give of your writing, your a right old cunt
shut up!
December 10th, 2008 at 9:08 am
AMERICA’s need of the hour is a president who cares for middle class population of America .That president is OBAMA.
http://www.indiainfraguru.com
December 10th, 2008 at 8:58 am
Very Funny, made me forget I was eating breakfast and now it’s all over my keyboard. How do u get oatmeal out of a keyboard?
December 10th, 2008 at 8:41 am
I am such a big fan of you since last year. Wish everything goes well for you. Can you do me one favor? just tell me is it you on****** U k w e a l t h y m e n.com— ********** ?
December 10th, 2008 at 8:26 am
Months of reading Cracked Top X Lists has left me unable to read more than 2 paragraphs. My train of thought derailed when I saw the photoshopped birth certificate and the Obama pics. The LOL lobe in my brain released the endorfin called Caption-T, and it left me unable to finish the article.
December 10th, 2008 at 8:24 am
Looking he?There’re way too many rumors coming out each day.I even
start thinking if it is true that Charlie Sheen once found his love on
the celeb and millionaire daitng site -U k w e a l t h y m e n.com—
December 10th, 2008 at 8:16 am
Yes, Blagojevich was arrested today for trying to sell Obama’s senate seat. Yes, Chicago and Illinois are both very corrupt. Yes, it is a political machine. A machine that runs on bacon.
December 10th, 2008 at 8:09 am
mmmmm….bacon. yummy bacon.
You know who hates bacon? Muslims.
Silly muslims.
December 10th, 2008 at 7:42 am
Oh man that is the funniest thing I read in a loooong ass time. Keep this good stuff coming man, seriously. I thought I was having a bad day, but you totally cheared me up ..
time for another red bull !
December 10th, 2008 at 7:05 am
Go Cubs!
December 10th, 2008 at 6:52 am
LMAO THis is teh funniest thing ive evaa readd
December 10th, 2008 at 6:51 am
First off free my willy ,well that didn’t sound right, You and I would probably agree on more things than you think. I ‘m not a right wing conservative, I’m married to a Jewish social worker and voted for Obama if that tells you anything. But………
“my point is right wing christian conservatives ignore the most obvious glaring stuff just to push their own agenda, but what they dont realize is that 2 wrongs dont make right”
All extremist do this not just the right or left religious or secular.
“how can a communist run country have more cash reserves than america”
Walmart is how.
“glendoor first of all former secretary of state madeline albright admitted that america and the uk imposed the sanctions to push iraqis to overthrow saddam, it didnt work”
No, but again Saddam could have complied at any time with UN sanctions( not just USA and the UK) or the people could have rose up and overthrew him. (people get the government that they deserve.)
“if you still dont believe you are free to google, also america gave saddam billions in the 80s because he was not an islamist, funny isnt it.”
No, is was more that Iran is Islamist not that Iraq was not.
“as for islam, well sir, compare the 72 million tons of agent orange dumped in vietnam resulting in birth defects(same with depleted uranium), ww1,ww2,korean war, invasion of granada, assasination of irans president, producing snuff films etc done by america(not all american, elite rich conservative christians and the neocons)
America did not start WW1 or WW2 or the Korean War and if your child was going to school in Grenada, wouldn’t you want them rescued? The British with help from the CIA arrested and deposed Dr. Mohammed Mossadegh, he was not assassinated and snuff films are not exclusively
American.
“and no i dont hate america, there was a time when the world was filled with chevrolets and ford cars, where made in america was everywhere, now all we see is made in china,japan,taiwan, india etc”
Japan makes better cars and will continue to dominate the market until we get our act together.
And for someone that is allergic to conservative right wingers you sure seem to have a lot of sympathy Muslims, who are about conservative and right wing as you can get. I ought to know I spent about five years in the Middle East and a year in Bosnia. Hell Saudi Arabia didn’t outlaw SLAVERY until 1975.
No one in this world is innocent except people under the age of ten and sometimes not even then.
And lastly …….BOOBIES BOOBIES BOOBIES.
December 10th, 2008 at 6:45 am
Wow, Cracked fails again. Amazing.
BRING FUCKING HATE BY NUMBERS BACK, YOU HACKS
December 10th, 2008 at 6:39 am
We must spread the truth brother !, but don’t forget about the other half of the puzzle… about 8000 years ago the Mayan(don’t worry they wrote this all down on rocks) prophets devised a plan so…devious, that modern scholars dare not speak its name. 2012 my friends will be the year that the Rothchilds, the Vatican and the Plaedian empire will emerge to rule us all by potato chip. This will begin with the “surprize” discovery of a colony on Mars. This colony of proto nasis will begin its invasion of 3 named warriors, led by John Wilkes Booth and Lee Harvey Oswald and financed by international bankers and reptoids in this dimension(as well as plasma beings from the 5th dimension) just after the Cubs win the world series. Watch the skies !
December 10th, 2008 at 6:14 am
Oops, I’m sharing a computer with squidbilly and put that last comment under his handle…
December 10th, 2008 at 6:08 am
I’m not flirting, I was sincerely mistaken…
December 10th, 2008 at 6:07 am
holy crap, barak obama has a lot of work cut out for him,
wait till he tackles the issue of abortion and teaching evolution in schools, then the shit is gonna hit the fan
December 10th, 2008 at 6:00 am
OK Idiot, everyone is forgetting one thing. Even if Obama was born outside the United States, he is still a Natural Born Citizen because his mother was a natural born citizen. Due to military service and travel, if you are born outside the US and one of your parents are natural born citizens, then you are a Natural Born Citizen.
Learn the law before you try to challenge it morons.
December 10th, 2008 at 5:57 am
having bisexual females in this blog(under 30 years of age) would be awesome
but unfortunately the closest we have is ross wolinsky
secret squirrel stop flirting with glendoor
December 10th, 2008 at 5:43 am
and yes i am honest enough to admit muslims in america have a great life, and no non of the 9/11 guys were american muslims
and no i am not a muslim
my point is right wing christian conservatives ignore the most obvious glaring stuff just to push their own agenda, but what they dont realize is that 2 wrongs dont make right
right wing christians dont even realize america’s trade deficit with china, running into the hundreds of billions of dollars
how can a communist run country have more cash reserves than america even though their economy is on
yeah yeah i know this is a comedy site and i love cracked but sometimes i am just allergic to ignorance coming from right wingers
no such thing as a “great right wing christian hero”
December 10th, 2008 at 5:41 am
I put my seed in my sister’s belly.
December 10th, 2008 at 5:40 am
There’s middle aged men on this site? I thought you were all bi-curious co-eds. Where am I???
December 10th, 2008 at 5:37 am
glendoor first of all former secretary of state madeline albright admitted that america and the uk imposed the sanctions to push iraqis to overthrow saddam, it didnt work
where is the proof you ask, oh i dont know, maybe she said it on national US television, and a billion articles on the iraq sanctions
by the way saddam hussain was a secular dictator, tarek aziz (deputy prime minister of iraq)who was saddam’s right hand man is a iraqi christian and iraq was the most secular country in the middle east
if you still dont believe you are free to google, also america gave saddam billions in the 80s because he was not an islamist, funny isnt it.
as for islam, well sir, compare the 72 million tons of agent orange dumped in vietnam resulting in birth defects(same with depleted uranium), ww1,ww2,korean war, invasion of granada, assasination of irans president, producing snuff films etc done by america(not all american, elite rich conservative christians and the neocons)
as for the right wing principles, lets see america borrowing billions from china, the largest oppressor of christians and buddhists and muslims in the world to fund “democracy and freedom” in the middle east
and no i dont hate america, there was a time when the world was filled with chevrolets and ford cars, where made in america was everywhere, now all we see is made in china,japan,taiwan, india etc
the roman empire wasnt destroyed by the barbarians, they destroyed themselves
stop fighting wars you dont believe in, and start exporting cars and your culture
December 10th, 2008 at 5:31 am
Boobies tend to try to grow under my shirt too, unfortunately they are middle aged fat old man boobies, unless I exercise like hell, that usually keeps them at bay. I’m not really fond of cucumbers, no matter where the are from.
December 10th, 2008 at 5:24 am
Boobies grow under my shirt. My favorite cucumbers grow in Finland.
December 10th, 2008 at 5:18 am
BACON RULES!!!!!!! donuts are pretty cool too, but most of all………………
…………………..Boobies people Boobies.
December 10th, 2008 at 5:08 am
I am a machine that runs on cracked articles. And bacon.
December 10th, 2008 at 5:07 am
I’m commenting first on the article. Funny stuff. murdering electric cars… But seriously we all need to learn how to properly surf the web. Or for that matter research any given topic. Obviously some people reading this CRACKED article have no clue what they are reading.
I’m glad you keep teachers in business or else maybe just maybe we would take it upon ourselves to pull that large dome out the anus and learn on your own.
December 10th, 2008 at 4:59 am
Sure, never has there been a government that’s misused the trust of its citizens. Nope, never. Human nature is just the kind of that if you give your ruler your total support, he’ll be totally nice and thankful to you, like, always.
As for me being arrogant or fecal, well, I’m not the one calling other people things like that. Looking through an outside perspective, that definitely counts for something.
December 10th, 2008 at 4:59 am
PRICK!!
December 10th, 2008 at 4:45 am
What are you talking about, trolling? I make a valid point, support your government and it will support you. But I guess there are just too many assholes that think they can do it better. So, if you can do a better job, get into politics and do it.
Christopher, my first comment wasn’t directed at you. Your comment was kind of mean spirited so I made a jab at you. I mean there’s criticism, and then there’s being a jerk about it.
And Mr. Clock, you’re an arrogant little peice of shit. Take a look at yourself from an outside perspective and I’m sure you’ll agree.
I’m done with this article and will not be posting on it again or checking back so don’t bother replying, I said my piece and I’m moving on.
December 10th, 2008 at 4:26 am
The government can only improve if people get behind their leaders? So let’s give those who have power our wholehearted support instead of criticizing them?
You don’t even troll well, dude_person. Get out of my Internet please.
As for the article: so utterly boring I coudn’t but stop reading it before the middle of it.
December 10th, 2008 at 4:23 am
Um… not to put too fine a point on it, but Obama was born August 4th, 1961… not 1960.
As for the rest, you might wanna letting some oxygen in when you inhale.
December 10th, 2008 at 4:03 am
@dude_person
OMG!? You mean none of this is real!?!?!?
Seriously though I have been enjoying Cracked for decades and I understand this is (an attempt at) comedy. I mean, did you even read my post? I think the article sucks because the author is an uncreative and boring writer, and the article itself I find plain unfunny, not because I didn’t “get it”.
December 10th, 2008 at 3:54 am
you suck at life and the article blows
December 10th, 2008 at 3:53 am
And for the enlightenment of everyone, the government can only improve if we get behind our leaders and support them rather than bitching all the time. Would you be a nice president if everyone was against you? Would you make efforts to change things if you couldn’t turn on the TV or computer without hearing all the schoolyard bullshit about you? I didn’t think so. You’d say “Fuck, 4 years of this shit? I’m gonna assassinate myself.”
December 10th, 2008 at 3:48 am
Oh, and Christopher Ellis. You’re funny. I like laughing at you.
December 10th, 2008 at 3:47 am
@ A Realistic Person and others who don’t get it. Kindly scroll up to the top of the page where under the cracked.com logo, you’ll se that this is a humor and video site. The since 1958 thing is a joke as well since, you know, the internet wasn’t around back then. Next, go to Wikipedia and look up these words:
- Humor
- Satire
- Parody
and just for fun:
- Life with your head removed from your ass
That is all.
December 10th, 2008 at 3:12 am
Wow. What a horribly boring article. With a structure so formulaic and overused to begin with, one would normally think to make up for it with something fresh by contrast. Instead it is further beaten to death by the plain filling which feels so forced into being “totally random maaaaaan” that I cannot help but picture the writer, beads of sweat on his brow and pants around his ankles, just as he grunts and shits it out.
December 10th, 2008 at 3:10 am
haha i agree, this is clearly just satire aimed at the ridiculous allegations that both the mccain party and the media have hurled at obama.
also, to the ‘realistic person’, it’s coming from a canadian, isn’t it?
leave bucholz alone, he’s supporting obama, albeit in a veiled way. if any of the ridiculous number of people who’ve commented this in a derogatory way have read any article on cracked, they’d be overwhelmed by the amount of sarcasm contained in each article.
surprised that they failed to see that in this one.
December 10th, 2008 at 3:09 am
******WARNING******
!!! THIS IS SATIRE !!!
******WARNING******
December 10th, 2008 at 3:08 am
*waits for the democrat vs. republican war to break out as america is invaded by iraq to bring peace*
December 10th, 2008 at 3:07 am
I love the comments on here responding as if this article is SERIOUS. Lighten up! You know the USA has a reputation for not “getting” irony, right? You’re not helping!
December 10th, 2008 at 3:06 am
Im tellin ya, better elect an all American boy, even if he’s brainless. We had one for 8 years and it wasnt bad. And now I have to end this transmission and get out of the swimming pool because my private plane lends in Texas and I dont like when the water ripples. I dont know why they cant fix this. God wanted me to have a flying swimming pool and a true American president.
December 10th, 2008 at 2:55 am
I’m quite sure this whole article is a satire. I’m pretty sure the author is imitating and making fun of how obscure the claims against Obama have been from oppositions. Leave him alone.
December 10th, 2008 at 2:48 am
fucking gay. that’s all i can say about this…whatever the hell you can dub this incoherent ranting, coming from a white American by the way. A man’s name does not make him who he is you fucking idiot. Throughout campaigns, they have literally HUNDREDS of people put to work who dedicate their employment solely to make sure that the one they’re supporting doesn’t have any skeletons in his/her closet, you fucking moron. I’m sorry to say that your article even made it on a website which was more than likely created by you. You are a worthless, pathetic, and most of all ignorant dumbass who deserves much less than this comment. Kindly go fuck yourself.
December 10th, 2008 at 2:48 am
Want to set up a dating site at no cost and earn much money at home? Then email me jim4partners@yahoo.com or chat with me on yahoo messenger jim4partners.
December 10th, 2008 at 2:46 am
Fuck you phick. You bigoted asshole. babaganoush is right, you should kill yourself you inbred fuck. It’s people like you that make this country, nay, this world, such a terrible place to live in. You make Hitler seem like a gentleman and a scholar. Your opinions suck. P.S. Tell your mom to practice some more with her brother. She sucked.
December 10th, 2008 at 2:41 am
Well, it is NOT the most absurd thing I’ve heard people believe in. If people do believe in this, that is. Which I’m sure some will. Honestly. Anyway, fun article and great work getting in all of those stupid claims in one coherent story. =) I LMAO
December 10th, 2008 at 2:31 am
A junk article that not worth reading hhh…
December 10th, 2008 at 2:31 am
Sigh to teh nonbeliever.
I hate Dan Rathers, omg. Poor poor Paul McCartney, I had to read this all again just to fill my mind with it. I shall sleep soundly tonight.
btw I have to admit, I’m not politically well versed, and President Bush is definitely not the best suited for the job he had… But to say that he’s the reason for the economic downfall is only KINDA fair… I think it has a lot to do with corporations, too. I mean, not to mention how terrible spoiled Americans themselves happen to be… We hardly work and get paid a lot for it. *shrug* Just sayin’.
I’m so gonna swipe that catch-phrase.
December 10th, 2008 at 2:24 am
Excuse me!!! Mcdonald or Mccartney is not real American names as well. You all whites are immigrants in USA and forcefully are ruling on the real Americans : “The red indians” so stop marginalising all other races except whites.
Be sensible and think of betterment of society as a whole rather than being a red neck.
December 10th, 2008 at 2:02 am
i had no idea barack o bama has such a shady past. thank you, cracked, for exposing the truth (again). I’m surprised no-body ever brings up mortal kombat character ‘baracka’ (sic?).
He may not be real, but i suspect that he may have some sort of connection with this whole thing and is using his non-existence as a kind of excuse to fool people. Baracka… BAMA? (picture needed)
December 10th, 2008 at 2:00 am
Phick, this country was ruined quite a few years ago.
December 10th, 2008 at 1:58 am
This story is no more stupid then people thinking Obama’s going to fix the the mess we are in. It just ain’t gonna happen, not in our lifetime.
December 10th, 2008 at 1:57 am
Baba, our economy can get lower, much lower, but nothing can go quite as low as your mother on a saturday night.
BOOYAH!
December 10th, 2008 at 1:55 am
You’re a retard
December 10th, 2008 at 1:44 am
screw you baba i am entitled to my opinion
December 10th, 2008 at 1:44 am
guess what again? ur a dirty right wing neocon rat bastard piece of shit who cant readily excpet that a black man was elected to the highest office the country has to offer. call bill o reilly, paul hannity, and the rest of the fox noise squad and tell them that i send a very strong and direct “FUCK YOU” to them. and by the way, u got 4 years comin up. this is payback for what bush did for the past 8 years.
and u proclaim that obama will ruin our economy….. really? can we ACTUALLY GET any lower than where we are today with the ill-conceived planning that is the bush administration? it amazes me that someone so blatently ignorant and ill-informed can go running their mouth about how ‘OBAMA WASNT BORN HERE” and still hold their dignity. u, sir, amaze me. with your utter stupidity and self-righteousness, you have soiled the name of america by bashing the name of the man to run it. go to the top of a tall building, look down, and mark the place where u want to land. then jump.
December 10th, 2008 at 1:42 am
Hahahaha! Excellent. Screw with their minds!
December 10th, 2008 at 1:37 am
hey guess what? ur a piece of shit
December 10th, 2008 at 1:34 am
i love you sir! even though this wasn’t true at all, he is still going to ruin america. thanks for making fun of the person i hate most:)
December 10th, 2008 at 1:30 am
[...] months, he sneaks around Southern California under the cover of night, murdering electric cars. The TRUTH about why Obama can’t be President | Cracked.com yet it still seems more logical then "ZOMG! HE WUZ BORN IN TEH AFRIKAZ!!!11!1!11!!!!" [...]
December 10th, 2008 at 1:26 am
Psychologists have a name for this bullshit. They call it bullshit.
December 10th, 2008 at 1:19 am
that was the single biggest waste of time ever
December 10th, 2008 at 1:16 am
simon you are a RETARD
December 10th, 2008 at 1:13 am
Ridiculous. Funny…but ridiculous. Not too far from what some believe probably, sad to say.
December 10th, 2008 at 1:12 am
Somebody has to punish the corrupt.
December 10th, 2008 at 1:12 am
I just finished reading this story and I jizzed in my pants
December 10th, 2008 at 1:03 am
you know what man!
why do many people critizise obama?!
he is gonna be the president believe it or not!!
you cant do anything to avoid it!!
and by the way!!
now a days, clonning machines do not exist!!
not to mention in 1966!
December 10th, 2008 at 1:03 am
> November 12th, 1966 : Barack Obama is cloned.
Everyone Knows That Only Us Americans are Capable of Doing Something as Clever as Cloning, I mean Anything Else Would be as Crazy as an ARAB Inventing ALGEBRA This Proves that Saddam ^H^H^H^H^H^H^H Barrack is a Natural Born American.
December 10th, 2008 at 12:59 am
Author forgot to mention he took this straight from Fox Mulders personal diary. Left out the part about Obama’s children being alien human hybrids. Hooray for government conspiracies and coverups!
December 10th, 2008 at 12:45 am
MUHFUGGEN BIX NOOD
December 10th, 2008 at 12:37 am
# Anansi’s Daughter Says:
December 9th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
You know what’s funny?
People actually taking this article seriously.
Honestly, anyone would think you were a bunch of New Zealanders.
As a New Zealander, I’m telling you now that you better be an Australian, as they’re the only country legally allowed to trade insults with us (as long as they continue to supply us with bowie knives and koala hearts, as stipulated in the 2nd ANZAC Trade Agreement).
Also, from what the newspapers around here have been saying, Obama is actually Dracula, and is converting all the hope in the world into blood.
December 10th, 2008 at 12:28 am
Obama washes with a loufa.
December 10th, 2008 at 12:27 am
Jokers.
December 10th, 2008 at 12:12 am
Then along came McCain - who made everything so much worse.
December 10th, 2008 at 12:00 am
Blazing Saddles blocked out fart noises but kept the N word in? How tasteful. NOT!!! What a bunch of bullshit.
December 9th, 2008 at 11:59 pm
Hmm. I’m pretty sure that most of these right wing comments are being written by the same person/s, via changing their handle. They all pretty much say the same thing. As for the people saying Obama isn’t transparent enough with his information, I do remember something about tight-lipped secrecy in Bush’s tenure. Correct me if I’m wrong…it was all so long ago, and my memory is fuzzy.
December 9th, 2008 at 11:50 pm
My mom, God bless her, took me to see Blazing Saddles when it first came out. Mel Brooks and a PG rating, what could be more appropriate for a 10 year old right? (Woops). It got bumped up to an R a week later. The fart scene did make me laugh harder than I ever had in my life… until Young Frankenstein .
Her second woops came a year later when she was going through, what I like to remember as, her Masterpiece Theater phase. Foreign films were classy and intelligent so she took me to see Cousin Cousine. Oh, my. (That movie also got an ratings upgrade, I think)
Sometimes I wonder if I’d be better adjusted if she’d remarried or had the nerve to go the the movies alone.
December 9th, 2008 at 11:40 pm
Love that bit of the “original Obama” rising to stardom and murdered and named Tupac.
loads of lulz
December 9th, 2008 at 10:52 pm
Oh, wait…maybe I don’t really understand how this whole “first” thing works. I apologize, internets.
December 9th, 2008 at 10:51 pm
FIRST!
Also, the comments were JUST AS FUNNY as the article.
My caps lock key works too!
December 9th, 2008 at 10:43 pm
@ I hate black dudes!
And I quote “Fuck Niggers!”
You know the bravery and intelligence level of people on the internet never ceases to amaze me.
On a related note, about twenty years ago A&E showed Blazing Saddles.
They cut the sound out on the farting scene, because they were afraid some might find it offensive , but left in , throughout the whole movie, every single N word. which, I guess, they thought was not as offensive as fart noises.
December 9th, 2008 at 10:25 pm
I hold a lot of hope for our new President. That said, I swear Bucholz, that read as if you really were a part of some of those nutjob websites. Well done, sir. You got me to smile on a work night.
December 9th, 2008 at 10:11 pm
“… article Sucks! …Writer isn’t even remotely funny… innacuracies…Cracked check facts…(piss, moan whine, whine, whine)…Barack Osama socialist(rant rant rant)…Liberal fucktards…blinded by biased media….(blah,blah, blah)…people ignorant ……read the Constitution (typing 2,000 word comment laying out political philosophy)…NAZIS!”
There. Argument won!
Thanks Bucholz. That was good for a giggle or three.
December 9th, 2008 at 10:07 pm
I’m just sayin’
December 9th, 2008 at 10:06 pm
I love all the news about liberals getting pissed because Obama is acting more conservative than Bush.
December 9th, 2008 at 10:05 pm
like one and a quarter friends, but I’ve got the truth’s third base covered, no problems.
December 9th, 2008 at 9:55 pm
as hilarious as that seems… still has a ring of truth about it.
December 9th, 2008 at 9:45 pm
[Black dude wanna know why people are being fuckin retards and wanna start a riot and/or race war over this "article"] needs psychiatric help. Just sayin’.
December 9th, 2008 at 9:42 pm
I lol’d
December 9th, 2008 at 9:29 pm
yeah…people are still wanna start a riot…
ok, pissed off hippies and rednecks who are saying AHHA!!!!!
please start get into a mob and start a riot! that way can “heroicly” go into town and “save” some plasma tvs, some PS3’s, 360’s, some new sneekers, a nescalde and some rolexes from the destruction.
but then Obama may call in suicide bomber tickle-me-elmo with I hate bushit shirts with rainbows flying out his ass to come illegally over the border to bust a cap up my ass…then explode…as the now the messi- er..president elect single handedly rounds up every criminal with his god-like powers and stablize the economy just by staring it with an angry frown and shouting “GET BACK TO WORK!!!!”
December 9th, 2008 at 9:19 pm
But seriously, I loved it.
December 9th, 2008 at 9:18 pm
This is so amazing. So very amazing.
. . .
Amazing that you covered up the part about the ruling cabal of panda bears reverse engineering the elections . . . from an alternate future . . .
December 9th, 2008 at 9:17 pm
He be reprasentin’ ay’body not just black folk.
December 9th, 2008 at 9:05 pm
Yes, ChelseaNicole, there is a fucktard clause.
December 9th, 2008 at 9:00 pm
The reason he won is because every single black person voted for him just because he is a black man. Most of them didnt even know the platforms of his campaign, it was clearly based on the fact he was black. Don’t believe me find the video where Howard Stern sends a fake reporter to Harlem to ask people who they are voting for and why.
December 9th, 2008 at 8:57 pm
That explains FUCKING everything!
I already forwarded it to my family of bigots.
December 9th, 2008 at 8:53 pm
It’s funny how people are saying Obama won because he is a black man.
Did we forget Alan Keyes? Republican candidate for president 2 terms ago? He was black….and did not come close to winning.
If McCain had chosen a running mate with senate or house experience, he could have won.
December 9th, 2008 at 8:35 pm
“Le Department de Health”? That’s the worst French I’ve ever heard. Come on, Bush-holes, I thought you were Canadian. It therefore follows that you speak French properly.
Oh, and RJFried, it’s not random, it’s genius. Pretty much everything referred to in the article, such as faking Paul McCartney’s death, and the REM song, are references to real events (the “Paul is Dead” conspiracy theory, and “What’s the Frequency, Kenneth?”, respectively).
I hereby give this article a million out of five.
December 9th, 2008 at 8:21 pm
@Jenna_Tullwortz
In the comments contest: Jenna wins today!
Bwawahahahahahaha!
December 9th, 2008 at 8:16 pm
@ Zaffino34
Barack Obama is Marvel’s the Black Panther.
Strong political ruler.
Black.
Crazy like a fox
Loyal only to himself..
Debate over.
December 9th, 2008 at 8:10 pm
I think chris bucholz has been reading too many cracked/internet video comments, and thus his articles have turned into unfunny random garbage that is detrimental to your health and mind if read for periods of time.
Thanks for reading
December 9th, 2008 at 8:07 pm
‘ey where da white wimmen, at?
December 9th, 2008 at 8:01 pm
You know who else was inexperienced? Abe Lincoln.
December 9th, 2008 at 8:00 pm
R.E.M. is GAY!
December 9th, 2008 at 7:51 pm
Why did the comments turn into real political talk instead of the ridiculous bullshit that normally floods through here. Where is the giant flame war about something totally unrelated? Or the arguments about whether or not Barack Obama is a super hero? Where is the crazy shit I have come to love!?!?!
December 9th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
You know what’s funny?
People actually taking this article seriously.
Honestly, anyone would think you were a bunch of New Zealanders.
December 9th, 2008 at 7:30 pm
@ EchoCharlie
“Souls num num num”
December 9th, 2008 at 7:29 pm
I don’t know about you guys, but I LIKE R.E.M.’s “What’s the Frequency, Kenneth?” Barely anything to do with anything…
December 9th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
a little too dry for my taste of satire
December 9th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
crap…I ment Fightmaster (damn you big hands and tiny keyboard!!!)
December 9th, 2008 at 7:21 pm
(in agreement with Unbalanced)
The article’s enjoyable. The comments are, well retarded (most of em.)
I wonder if obama is someway related to , chuck norris, with Thor, Theodore Roosevelt, travel back in time to fight and kill Ghangis Kan, and trains daily with
Max Fightsmaster.
December 9th, 2008 at 7:16 pm
I’d like to commission Bucholz to do a similar hard hitting report into the rumors of Obama having a time machine and this also being responsible for the invention of napalm, Hannah Montana and gassing Jews wearing a Hitler mask.
I’m just saying, it could happen.
December 9th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
That’s ridiculous. Paul McCartney wouldn’t live in Idaho.
December 9th, 2008 at 7:14 pm
shii, im from illinois, and NO group of people IN THE HISTORY of POLITICS has been quite as corrupt as my state’s politicians. That said, what the hell do you expect from the governor of said ultra corrupt state? did you expect him to have it chosen fairly? if so, you are an out-of-touch, naive, thoughtless person whom, frankly, i am surprised can read and breathe at the same time.
December 9th, 2008 at 7:08 pm
Can’t we at least give Obama a shot at office before calling his policies bullshit? Yeah, being a young(ish) black guy helped him in the election. You know what else helped him? Bush having a 76% DISapproval rating. No republican could have won this election without totally ostracizing himself from the party. Also, McCain probably should have picked a less retarded monkey for a running mate.
Obama and Biden are two very smart men who deserve at very least a sporting chance from the american people. Fair?
December 9th, 2008 at 6:58 pm
This was stupid as hell
December 9th, 2008 at 6:56 pm
It makes me laugh how many people believe this guy is serious.
December 9th, 2008 at 6:56 pm
George W. Bush won because he was white. Think about it: would he have gotten any votes if he was a black wheelchair-bound lesbian? Would he have gotten YOUR vote? Would he have even been NOMINATED?!? The prejudice runs deep. It’s times like this I’m glad that election results are determined by nine Jews in a cave in Florida.
December 9th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
I think Asriel makes a clear point. There is just not enough racist terms for us whities. Maybe Bucholz might work on this rather than just phoning in this transcript of last nights drunken bullshit session at the local…
Bucholz (if that’s indeed your real name) - lift your act!
Asriel - stop eating souls for a minute* and cut the dose - you can’t possibly be expected to be taken seriously with that attitude.
.
.
.
.
.
.
*PS2 Game reference - look it up
December 9th, 2008 at 6:50 pm
To Overlord Morgus: You know who else proposed a final solution?
To White Power: Go clean your trailer you racist fucknut.
To Wizard of Chronic: You’re edgy, aren’t you? Don’t be such a tool.
This is the trifecta of fail people. These posters should be dragged out in public and beaten with something, preferably spiked, until they are completely cleansed of stupid.
December 9th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
I only have one and a half friends, so I can’t send the article out, but I would like to sign this petition banning Michael Moore from speaking in my state.
December 9th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
This is stupid and I got cancer from reading it,
and contracted AIDS from reading the comments.
The only person I can agree with here is Spider Jerusalem.
December 9th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
Suck Gas and Haul Ass is what I say. God Bless America and the 1099. I pay less taxes than the W-2 assholes that would rather be bottom feeders instead of business leaders.
December 9th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
To all the people saying they don’t think Obama should be president because he’s a socialist… That’s the exact reason I think he should be president.
A more socially responsible president is exactly what you need to avoid anouther credit crisis. Keynes style policies are the only way to prevent the market going locco.
Socialist doesen’t mean Soviet, you know.
December 9th, 2008 at 6:26 pm
Shii is a dumb prick. If you want to ruin our shorelines with bullshit drilling go ahead. Let’s see if there is any left after 10 years and Exxon Mobil is done shipping it all to China.
December 9th, 2008 at 6:24 pm
lol politics!
December 9th, 2008 at 6:24 pm
This was ment to entertain and put light humor into the mix and already it’s became a political forum for insults and shit. None of the stuff is true and the author knows that, so assholes who dont think that, please fuck off. Would you be happier if he did a Mccain one? Or a Sara Palin one? Or Better yet a Joe Biden one for any republicans out there? As long as it’s not full of hateful demening things that is. The Osama and 9/11 thing was kinda a little much, but making fun of terrorist (who want us to fear them) is a win in my book.
December 9th, 2008 at 6:15 pm
Fuckin’ De La Hoya I lost 3 grand on that mother fucker. Do you think Obama can give ME a bail out?
December 9th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
Do you want to be a fucking idiot? Obama is the fucking president! Deal with it.
December 9th, 2008 at 6:09 pm
Obama won because America thinks hope, good looks and charisma can run a country.
Too bad there’s nothing in the way of intelligent policy behind the charisma.
One example, “We can’t drill our way out of the energy crisis, primarily because it would take ten years to see measurable results of oil drilling. I propose instead we support green technologies by investing $150 billion OVER THE COURSE OF TEN YEARS in hydroelectricity, wind, and solar power.”
Not only is he inexperienced, he’s accomplished nothing, and the governor who was in office at the time of his appointment just got arrested today for corruption after “trying to put the Senate chair for Obama’s replacement” up for win to the highest bidder. (Just happened today.) Obama could very easily be implicated in that as well.
Make fun of Asriel all you want, but he’s right. If Obama were white he’d have been laughed right out of the primaries for trying to run on absolutely no grounds whatsoever. He’s a joke.
December 9th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
Chicken Boo.. Who are you talking to? I’ve never heard anyone insult someone for not liking Obama.. I know lots of people who don’t, and they never get insulted either.. You must live somewhere bad o_O
December 9th, 2008 at 6:06 pm
KKK members are going to gain weight… in lead.
December 9th, 2008 at 6:01 pm
I hid that Grand Wizards body in my back yard under the port a potty.
December 9th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
I agree Asriel, just because I don’t like Obama, I’m automatically a former Nazi, a current member of the Klan, and believe slavery should be brought back. It’s amazing the ignorance of people in this country. I don’t trust Obama because he is very secretive, why didn’t he release his health records and education records? I believe he has something to hide and that he is a socialist. Those are the reasons I don’t like him. I don’t like Nancy Pelosi either, so I guess I’m sexist and a wife beater or some other bullshit the loony left decides to call me.
December 9th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
Asriel..
Its funny how you make a list about being called a racist just because you don’t like obama.. And follow it up with a comment such as;
“Obama won because he’s black”
*Yeah.. You sure aren’t a racist! Damn all those fools who thought otherwise.. They must just be black!
* = Sarcasm
…Honkey…
December 9th, 2008 at 5:59 pm
wow, a bunch of non sequiturs.
and that’s funny?
worst article.
ever.
December 9th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
Its funny how,
If you dont like obama your automatically a:
1) Honkey
2) Racist
3) Red Neck
4) Any other racist term for white people
Obama won because he’s black, and thats the trust because his history, and his choices alone would have had any other person laughed out of the running for president.
When you get enough dumb blind followers you can achieve whatever you want!
December 9th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
So he’s not the antichrist, then?
December 9th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
Why don’t you stupid honkeys suck on Sean Hannity’s dick while you rub Bill O’Reillys 90 year old wrinkly nutsack you mother fuckers!
December 9th, 2008 at 5:46 pm
Stupid Nigger. Now he has some dumb ching chong Jap in his cabinet.
December 9th, 2008 at 5:46 pm
nigger. thats right, i said it, and I’m a white guy
December 9th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
all you fucking conservative retards can fucking MOVE if you dont like it.
OBAMA WON.
AMERICA DECIDED HE WAS THE BETTER CANDIDATE.
so SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DEAL.
December 9th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
[...] baccart players, who program him with the knowledge he will need to one day destroy America. The TRUTH about why Obama can’t be President | Cracked.com Who else loves Cracked. __________________ My Blog Don’t think it hasn’t been a little slice [...]
December 9th, 2008 at 5:35 pm
By the way, veaudaux, you, sir, are a funny mother fucker.
December 9th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
CRIPPPLLEEE FIGGGHHHT!
December 9th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
Rabble rabble rabble 9/11 rabble rabble rabble leftist rabble rabble rabble right wing rabble rabble rabble muslims are evil rabble rabble rabble iraq rabble rabble rabble!!!!
December 9th, 2008 at 5:20 pm
So your saying my belief in Santa Claus was worth something. Damn Reagan and his socialist policies.
December 9th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
I see your rabble rabble, and the only response I give to you, sir, is: harumph harumph harumph.
December 9th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
Eric, do you even know what the word superstition means? By your little comment, when you presumed to speak for everyone, it’s apparent you don’t.
December 9th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
I like monkeys. There were not enough monkeys in this article.
December 9th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
Mmmm…. delicious meta-humor.
December 9th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
Great article! But as an Australian im offended a Canadian would dare write an article about an American president… right to bear arms…. something…
December 9th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
Woohoo! I was starting to worry that no one here would fight over this.
Bucholz: Mission Accomplished.
You’re a god damn credit to the force, son.
December 9th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
glendoor42, no one cares about your interpretation of your own superstitions. Give it a rest.
December 9th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
This is entirely accurate.
I personally witnessed this using my time machine.
December 9th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
glendoor’s getting mad–i’m taking cover
December 9th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
“sure we killed half a million iraqi kids by imposing the worlds most brutal economic sanctions from 91 to 2003,”
No, Saddam Hussein killed all those people and more because he would not comply with UN mandates.
And there is a lot of Muslims in the world who will stand there and tell you what a peaceful and loving religion Islam is while they are getting ready to cut your head off because you are non- believer.
Google the term” bloody borders of Islam” sometime and try to read it with your head out of your ass.
December 9th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
obama isn’t the best
December 9th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
fuck everyone who says obama isn’t the best
December 9th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
Thank you for your insightful wisdom, OVERLORD MORGUS. Once again leftists let slip their totalitarian tendencies to permanently silence those that disagree with them.
December 9th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
obama is big god
December 9th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
I’m not sure that everything in this article is entirely accurate…
December 9th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
TSHP - I’ll fight with you!
December 9th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
These right wing fucknuts need to be final solutioned.
December 9th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
this article would have been funny if it werent so true
everyone knows that barak obama is a secret muslim socialist whose only goal in life is to promote the seduction of fine white women by blackand to sell america to the muslims.
those damn muslims, sure we killed half a million iraqi kids by imposing the worlds most brutal economic sanctions from 91 to 2003, sure we dumped tons of depleted uranium in iraq, they deserved it because they are brown and believe in “allah”
why do those iraqis hate our freedom???
December 9th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
There’s nothing in here about how Obama adverted a worse catastrophe on September 12th by defeating Moammar Kadafi at Trouble.
December 9th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
that was… amazing.
December 9th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
Gee, CavalierX, you seem to have a lot of hostility towards comedy writers who provide you with free entertainment (albeit of sometimes questionable quality) on a daily basis.
Maybe you should take a vacation from the cracked blogs for a while. I honestly don’t think any of us would miss you for a few weeks. Think about it. It might be good for you.
Also, Bucholtz, the article wasn’t bad, you crazy Canadian bastard, you.
December 9th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
“I don’t often say this about people. But every so often, someone (you) really deserves cancer. In any form, seriously, take your pick.”
Why give anyone a choice? They’re always gonna pick skin you fuckin’ idiot.
December 9th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Yay, Idaho! Only thing is, I’m pretty sure Paul McCartney probably hasn’t even heard of Idaho…
We DO have cabins here, though! Oh boy, yes we do!
December 9th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
I just made sure to remember that authors name so I never read anything from him again. I suppose that was supposed to be satire. But it wasn’t cutting. It wasn’t clever. It wasn’t boring. Wait. Never mind, it was boring.
December 9th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
Only 65% of this is actual fact. The rest is just speculation.
December 9th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Well when somebody acts like they’re hiding something, naturally some people will assume they are hiding something. I’m sure he’s a US citizen, but damn, I need more ID to shop at Sam’s club than Obama needs to occupy the White House. Cough it up Barry, and your goddamn college transcripts too while you’re at it. I mean, you ARE smarter than Bush, right?
Right, Barry?
December 9th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
“I think the September 11th comments were in bad taste.”? Bad taste? Does this guy even read this site? Coming to Cracked and complaining that the jokes are in bad taste is like wanting refunds for Special Olympics tickets because all the competitors were retarded.
Also, this was an excellent article. The best kind of political humor - the Obama haters can revel in his being painted as an arch-villain, and the Obamatrons can enjoy the joke on a “that’s not that different than what some red staters ACTUALLY BELIEVE” level. You, sir, are a true uniter. If you hadn’t been born in a third-world country, I’d vote for you in 2012.
December 9th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
I have been all over this country(USA) and the world and the South is no more full of fucktards than anywhere else.
Look at the following examples:
Michael Swaim, California
Wayne Gladstone, NY and Maine
Daniel O’Brien, New Jersey and Rhode Island
Chris Bucholz, Casnadia
Robert Brockway, Oregon
Ross Wolinsky,North East somewhere
See…. North, East, and West, full of fucktards.
December 9th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
It’s too bad that Obama corrupted Osama like that. That scruffy fella was going places.
December 9th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Barack Hussein Obama… This is conviently similar to the obvious terrorist name:
Barracks Hussein Osama. This consists of the words “Barracks”, which is like a bunker, Hussein, which is the same name as the famous, dead, terrorist Saddam Hussein, and Osama, which is the name of the other famous, possibly dead, terrorist Osama Bin Laden.
I rest my case. This man is a terrorist, and it’s far too obvious to take seriously.
December 9th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
finally someone dares to tell the truth without any fears of certain death at de hand of professional baccart players
December 9th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
Hey wait a second… is Obama trying to execute the old “pull my finger” gag?
December 9th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
This article really isn’t funny.
December 9th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
I have two friends
but they are both fucktards from the south
Even worse, the both voted for Obama :-O
Stupid fucktards!
December 9th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
See ChelseaNicole, ChelseaNicole Sucks not only disagreed with your hypothesis that the south isn’t full of fucktards, but provided a living example in the process. You’re going to have to hone those debate skills if you expect us not to subtly pity your quarter of the U.S.
December 9th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
To Chelsea-
As a Texan who is living in Minnesota, I believe I have the credentials to answer your question. Yes. Yes they do.
December 9th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Tupac isn’t dead and Santa is real.
Bucholz, I’m starting to think that you and your caps lock key WANT enemies.
December 9th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
It’s nice when people don’t get satire Chris….
….Really super.
December 9th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
This was AWESOME!
I don’t see what the problem is; it has just as much credibility as all the OTHER conspiracy theories you always hear about.
December 9th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
All people from the south who voted for Hussein are fucktards.
December 9th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Does anyone who reads CRACKED.com have two friends?
December 9th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
i am participating!
December 9th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
i’m from the south. i voted obama. do people really think all people from the south are fucktards?
December 9th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Obama gave me a cookie for christmas.
…I like cookies
December 9th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
“How to Win a Fight Against 20 Obama Clones”?
Kill yourself.
Rob them of the satisfaction of eating your brains.
December 9th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
I’m John McCain and I approve this message.
December 9th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Horrible! Less funny than mad T.V.!
Please just get back to writing hard hitting thought provoking articles like “How to Win A Fight Against 20 Children”
December 9th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
“Le Department De Health”
Haha. This article was even funnier on the second read.
December 9th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
If you really want to spread this truth, you’ve got to get ol’ Gladstone on board. He’s got over 1000 friends on Facebook.
December 9th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
Now this is REAL investigative journalism. Hard hitting, straight talking and in-depth stuff. Man… I wish we had more people like you to rid this world of the lies we are told. Oh… Just hang on for a minute… “What did you say Mr Stone? Hang on - I have a great script for a true story. Even better than JFK.”
December 9th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
The story about his Kenyan roots was just a ploy to boost the country’s struggling economy….how exactly is still unclear.
December 9th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
The Tupac part is my favorite.
December 9th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
Besides, most right wing pundits are keeping this relevent, so I suggest you have a long chat with Fox News.
December 9th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
Not only did the article have me laughing, but the comments are funny as hell to! Mad props to Spider Jerusalem and Dustin. Btw, no one likes a whiner, CavalierX.
December 9th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
I am reasonably sure that, in his first State of the Union speech, the Obama will announce “Every Network Journalist is now an enemy of the Republic”. At that point, the Obama will send his new apprentice Chris Matthews, to hunt down and destroy all network journalists. Once that is complete, all news will provided via the previously useless “O” magazine.
December 9th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
Of course, it all makes sense…
The car accident left him paralized, therefore he NEEDED to eat babies to regain his strength and walk again.
Dam you Bucholz, you’re a crazy sonova bitch but you just might be onto something. I’m gonna give you your badge back back and put you on temporary assignment, but you’re walkin’ a real thin line Bucholz! I’ve got the cheif up my ass, and I need results!
December 9th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
You failed to mention the time he started a forrest fire, killing Smokey the Bear in the process.
December 9th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
TWO friends? Look here, Mr. Rockafeller, not all of us have the kind of money it takes to bribe a social circle THAT big.
December 9th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
LOL, pretty funny dude. Pretty funny indeed.
jess
http://www.Privacy-Center.net
December 9th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
you’re all forgetting the most important point.
The man owns a Zune! Clearly, he’s in M$’s pocket, just waiting for the opportunity to murder all us linux users in our sleep!
December 9th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Theta:
McCain=Senator from Arizona
Goldwater=Senator…from Arizona!
(insert dramatic chipmunk music here)
You may have stumbled on to something. Stay away from Bucholz’s Supra (which apparently is in immediate elephant-crushing danger); you may be a target now that you know the TRUTH.
December 9th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
You’re behind the times, Bucholz. In the Ultimate Clonage saga, they revealed that even though Obama’s a clone, he’s not actually a clone. The original is the clone, ever since his confrontation with The Jackal.
December 9th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
[...] baccart players, who program him with the knowledge he will need to one day destroy America. The TRUTH about why Obama can’t be President | Cracked.com Who else loves Cracked. __________________ My Blog Don’t think it hasn’t been a little slice [...]
December 9th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
Guys guys guys (and that one gal… you know who you are)! We’re missing the big picture here. Sure he was born an abomination, killed at six and is now a clone. Sure there’s other stuff wrong with him (try to guess where I stopped reading). But at the end of the day, you just have to ask one question.
Is he a republican?
Case closed.
December 9th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
late pass, election’s over.
December 9th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
NO WAI!
it all makes sense now! the truth must be heard!
ha ha! some of this is so ridiculous, i’ll be suprised if most southerners don’t take it seriously! and if they do, i hope that the rest of america bitch slaps them for being retarded.
seriously though, this article is full of lols
December 9th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
I love that you used the birth certificate he actually put up. Not that this will stop the people already minting “Impeach Obama” buttons, but fuck them, they’re sore losers.
It never fails to amuse me this same tactic was also used on John McCain and Barry Goldwater.
December 9th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
This is even stupider than the last several idiotic political articles Cracked published, and without even the merit of having some “meat” to it. Or anything remotely amusing. The election’s over, Cracked. Put Bucholz and Brockway back on the dusty shelf on which you found them and find some writers with talent.
December 9th, 2008 at 11:57 am
# tariro Says:
December 9th, 2008 at 9:44 am
You are just jealous that Obama has managed to convince the American electorate to vote for him. He was born a leader and he will always be one. The writer do not have evidence to prove this. Period! Exclamation mark!
Fixed.
December 9th, 2008 at 11:51 am
No mention of his Power Ring?
The time he threw the whale at that boat?
His closure of Cracked Magazine?
Replacing public figureheads with pliant Obaclones?
Bucholz would’ve covered these, but then this wasn’t the work of Bucholz, was it?
December 9th, 2008 at 11:49 am
“Kenneth! Check these frequent punches!” is the best catchphrase of all time.
December 9th, 2008 at 11:47 am
When one of these Obama’s turns out to be Ben Reilly, I am going to be so pissed.
December 9th, 2008 at 11:40 am
Hannah Montana gave birth to Obama.
December 9th, 2008 at 11:38 am
Hm.. interesting.
I say we wage a counter attack against the rebellious Canadians immediately
December 9th, 2008 at 11:23 am
I’ll be that guy; I think the September 11th comments were in bad taste. Otherwise, a solid theory.
December 9th, 2008 at 11:14 am
You forgot to mention Earth 2’s Obama who went mad with power and created nonalcoholic baby food.
December 9th, 2008 at 11:05 am
I had two friends, but Barack Obama killed one. The other? Barack Obama.
Never again.
December 9th, 2008 at 10:49 am
Bucholz, is this the official view of Canada? Just want to make sure… If it is, I feel compelled to report this to the Lord Obama immediately.
December 9th, 2008 at 10:43 am
I thought Tairo was joking.
If so, bravo.
December 9th, 2008 at 10:43 am
Hahahaha. Awesome. Let’s see if this causes the same level of shitstorm that Brockway’s masterfull article caused last week…
I’ll start.
YOU DIDN’T MENTION THE BLACK PANTHERS OR THE CIGARETTE SMOKING.
By Black Panthers, I of course am speaking of the black vigilante group Obama started in the late 1970’s. Wasn’t Power Man in it?
December 9th, 2008 at 10:40 am
I’m gonna go post a link to this on Freerepublic, then sit back and watch the death threats roll in. I’m laying odds that its not two days before you wake up to find a severed elephant head crushing your precious 1986 Toyota Supra.
Seriously, Bucholz. Fuck your Supra.
December 9th, 2008 at 10:40 am
Wait…internet friends, or real friends?
December 9th, 2008 at 10:35 am
Tairo: I don’t often say this about people. But every so often, someone (you) really deserves cancer. In any form, seriously, take your pick.
December 9th, 2008 at 10:20 am
Oh, and his on again, off again rivalry with M&M, from their vigilante days.
December 9th, 2008 at 10:09 am
” two mice with buzzcuts.” HAHAHAHAHAHA
And yes Crom is a cruel lord, but he laughs at your four winds and your weak casnadian Gods.
December 9th, 2008 at 9:59 am
I think the Atari ET-ocide was his greatest gift to America.
December 9th, 2008 at 9:58 am
I always suspected…
December 9th, 2008 at 9:53 am
Obama’s Wikipedia page is about to undergo some serious rewrites.
December 9th, 2008 at 9:44 am
You are just jealous that Obama has managed to convince the American electorate to vote for him. He was born a leader and he will always be one. The writer do not have evidence to prove this. Period!
December 9th, 2008 at 9:40 am
Santa isn’t real!?!?!?!?!? WTF this article is full of holes!
December 9th, 2008 at 9:38 am
Congratulations tairo. He would have gotten away with it to if it werent for your vigilance.
You tosser.
December 9th, 2008 at 9:25 am
I have two friends! Unfortunately, one’s a dog, so he’s not terribly sociable. However, he does want to show his support.
December 9th, 2008 at 8:24 am
Hey! I have at least two friends.
I have at most two friends.
December 9th, 2008 at 8:21 am
God dammit…. *shambles*
December 9th, 2008 at 8:20 am
You forgot to mention his secret terrorist training or his radical Islamic beliefs, as well as his gambling problem (he plays bridge with the aliens at Area 51 and has thrown the economy into shamble to cover his gambling debt to the messengers of Ignork 7).