The 7 Dumbest Things Ever Done by Airport Security
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If there's one holiday ritual we all know and hate, it's that yearly trip to the airport, where the friendly security man awaits with his X-ray machine, his metal detector and possibly a well-lubed rubber glove. While none of us want to spend the holidays involved in a terrorist incident (unless you're living in the Die Hard universe), you have to admit that sometimes security gets a little out of hand. And then there are horror stories like... #7.
Terrorist Breasts Safely Disarmed with Pliers
Just Another Day In Line: Mandi Hamlin was just trying to grab a flight from Lubbock, TX. She made it through the main security scanners and her various metal piercings hadn't set off any alarms. Then she was wanded by a female TSA employee and discovered that, without her knowledge, her breasts had joined Al Qaeda. Uh-Oh: Apparently figuring that the metal nipple rings were there to disguise some kind of implanted boob lasers, Hamlin was forced to remove both of her piercings. One came out with no problem, but the other had to be removed using pliers. This was done behind a screen, while (according to Hamlin) male agents stood nearby laughing at her. Here's what the Transportation Security Administration had to say for itself: "TSA supports the thoroughness of the officers involved as they were acting to protect the passengers and crews of the flights departing Lubbock that day... In the future, TSA will inform passengers that they have the option to resolve the alarm through a visual inspection of the article in lieu of removing the item in question." We suppose the visual inspection beats the hands on approach. Though it's just a matter of time until Al Qaeda develops some kind of poisonous nanodarts that can fire out from those piercings and kill everyone on board. Or at least that's what keeps happening in that dream we dare not tell the therapist about.
To Make Things Worse... Before the Hamlin incident, the TSA saw fit to feel up dozens of women, forcing them to take off their shirts in public while a female TSA agent felt all around the bra. Don't worry, ladies, after enough complaints rolled in the TSA promised to exclude your boobs from the pat-down. Unless the metal detector goes off... #6.
All Men Named David Nelson are Terrorists
Just Another Day In Line: You probably know that all airline passenger lists are compared against a no-fly list, which the TSA didn't even want to admit existed at one time. The problem is that, as it turns out, sometimes more than one person in the world shares the same name. Uh-Oh: So, you can imagine the chaos that erupted when a "David Nelson" somehow wound up on the list. That name isn't exactly as distinctive as, say, Flavor Flav, so the result was many, many David Nelsons getting pulled out of line every single time they flew (including one David Nelson who got called out by security four times on one trip).
It doesn't help that the process to get your name removed from the watch list takes at least a month and a half, and the ACLU had to sue to even get that. In a nice touch of irony, one of the lawyers who was working for the ACLU was named...David Nelson.
To Make Things Worse... An easier way to get off the no-fly list is to just change your name, as one Canadian man did. Yes, the entire no-fly list is founded on the idea that terrorists are stupid enough to fly using their own names. #5.
The Cutest Little Terrorist Ever!
Just Another Day In Line: Now, of course the whole "block every flyer with the same name" thing doesn't apply to the obvious cases. Like they're not pulling little David Nelson babies out of the line or anything, right? Right? Uh-Oh: Yep, TSA employees pulled Matthew Gardner out of the line because somebody with that name showed up on a federal Most Wanted list. Matthew is five.
Agents searched the belongings of both Matthew and his mom. When the mother went to comfort the upset child, she was told to back away. Because, you know, it totally says right here on the screen he like shot six dudes at a bank in Reno. But, hey, we've heard of little kid suicide bombers before, right? It could happen. And really, can you ever be too careful? To Make Things Worse... Yes, yes you can. For instance, if you not only stop an infant in line, but you stop an infant from flying because, again, he shows up on the no-fly list.
Parents have gotten repeatedly held up (or missed flights completely) waiting to get passports and other documentation faxed in to prove their one-year-old wasn't a little terrorist mastermind. #4.
"All We Need to Take the Plane is a Butter Knife. And the Pilot."
Just Another Day In Line: Anybody protecting our safety on airlines obviously isn't going to let somebody bring a knife on board. And, of course, the TSA plays things safe by confiscating thousands of Swiss Army knives and others that could make damn fine weapons in the hand of a trained nutjob. We're not going to complain about that, are we? Uh-Oh: Well, there's the case of Patrick Smith, who got stopped with a butter knife. A butter knife from the plane. It was one of the knives they give you with your in-flight meal.
But what was this crazy man doing trying to sneak airplane issued silverware through security anyway? Why couldn't he have just waited to get one with his meal, like a normal person? Well, the airline issued it to him. Because he works for them. As a pilot. And all of this happened while he was standing there in full pilot uniform. Wrap your mind around that. If this man was a terrorist and intended to fly a plane into a building, he doesn't need a knife to get into the cockpit. They pay him to sit there. To Make Things Worse... With such stringent standards, they catch every dangerous knife, right? Well, there was somebody who got through a security checkpoint with a four-inch knife blade after getting his apparently far more dangerous pudding confiscated.
As for all those knives they do confiscate, you might be wondering what happens to them. After all, some of these knives are cherished possessions of the owners, or beloved heirlooms! So, of course, there's a process to get them back. They call it eBay. |
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Amen.
May be worth mentioning that most airlines issue metal knives in business/first class anyway. Suckers in economy get to use plastic. I guess you don't need a sharp knife to eat economy-standard meals anyway...
So four terrorists get on a plane, each of them have three three ounce bottles of explosive liquid... that's 36 ounces of explosive liquid...
Before they got on the plane they went to the local safeway and bought the very sharp plastic knives people use to cut vegetables, since they aren't metal nobody notices...
Airport security is all a facade, it's just there to make the stupid people feel secure, it's not hard for an intelligent person to get something on a plane.
Also, why would they do something with a plane again? It's been done already!
Since terrorists have s**t loads of money, couldn't they just buy their own plane and fill it with explosives and take off from a private airport?
It's not about the actual event, it's how that event changes our lives. Their next act of terrorism won't be a plane blowing up a building and taking lives, it will be them taking away our technology by exploding something that will cause an electromagnetic wave to destroy everything I use to look at porn.
I'm not the smartest person in the world, but if I can point out the obvious stuff like this, don't you think that terrorists could see it too?
"Where are all the stupid people from? And how'd they get to be so dumb?" NOFX.
People's racism astounds me. As well as people's retardation.
The last one reminded me of this: http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article1234193.ece
Yeah, that fuss with the names is really disturbing. Once, think it was maybe in 1998, I wanted to buy a cell phone that was advertised at an appealing price. Ofc one had to sign up for a year which required prospective buyers to disclose their personal data. Ok, no probs, it's only natural. So I filled some form and filed it. Maybe a few minutes later I was called and a young gentleman stated that I was on a black list. WHAT??? Yeah, under the same address (I used to live in an apartment building) someone with the same name had accrued a substantial amount of debt with the cell company. Okay. No probs, I told the guy that I never had any contracts with them in the past so that person had to be someone else.
He didn't believe me (ofc). Okay, then I said "Check my ID number. You do record ID numbers, don't you?" "Sure we do, but I'm not allowed to check the records for ID numbers..."
Uh, oh. Okay. "Here's my ID, please check if my ID is in the system..."
"Can't do that, it's against company policy, I can't check it."
"Okay, then if you believe that I'm the man with the debt then I'm authorizing you to check 'my' record."
"But what if it's not yours?"
That was UNREAL.
In the end I went to a different provider and bought myself some other phone. Okay, it wasn't as good of a deal but at least I was allowed to spend my money.
Ridiculous.
We could use some of these fine people at the Portland, Oregon airport. When I was travelling to San Antonio I used a carry a weekend backpack. I managed to bring two liter sized containers of shampoo and conditioner, full sized hair and skin products, make-up, and a bottle of water. That was a while back though, so maybe I couldn't pull it off now.
To be fair, it's not just the TSA. I had to go to my local court house a few times, and I always keep a knife in my purse. The trained cops have an x-ray machine. Once, the machine was down, so they *hand-searched* my purse. Of the 6 or 7 times I've been in there, they've never discovered the knife. Then there's the Jeff Dunham lotion-on-Peanut's-butt incident. Seriously, if you've never heard that, please look it up.
I say the security guards are either retarded or don't get any action because they are retarded
Not an airport security check but I had an incident too - I was traveling in NYC subway at 3am in the morning and this cop asked me to come out at a stop. I had no idea why and he told me that I had broken some *laws* that says "Thou must not put your feet on the seat"....Not only he made me miss my train but he also *fined me $50*! The judge too ignore my plea and I had to pay $50! I paid freaking $50 just for placing my feet on the seat in front of me in an empty train at 3am in the morning! I'm going to blog it with the picture of the ticket, judge's decision and probably pictures of people carrying bicycles, big boxes and bicycles in the NYC subway....Raaaaaagggggggggeeeeeeee!
just make all airports nudist airports and problem solved!
sort of....
also funny story...i was flying and when my carry on went through the metal detector they saw a knife in my bag. they stopped me and asked if i had a knife in my bag...i said no (which i thought was the truth---i didnt realize it was in my bag from a hiking trip i had gone on a few months before)the guy then informed me that the were pretty sure that there was and searched my bag for the knife. they didnt find it. the sent it bakc through the x-ray machine and again saw the knife. they again searched my bag and couldnt find it. we repeated this process several times. each time i said 'im not sure what your are seeing but i am almost certain i dont have a knife in my bag ( i remind you again that i did have a knife but forgot about it). finally after about 2o minutes the called his supervisor over who looked at the x-ray and then searched my bag and found nothing. he then said 'well im not sure why but the x-ray shows a knife...but there deosnt seem to be one here.' he then radioed someone and they let me on the plane with my bag (and again i remind you a knife which i forgot about). my flight was uneventful. i got to my hotel room and started unpacking and as a removed the last article of clothing (a sweater that was the same color as the interior of the bad) i found my knife! My concenr is not that i accidently smuggled a knife on a plane...my concern is that a trianed security person saw it on a x-ray...several times...but must have thought his machine was broken and was just randomly showing knives in bags! or perhaps more terrifying that apparently one can conceal a weapon by laying a sweater over it!
First off, i would like to say that I am a republican. Secondly I would like to say that I am one of the few people who supports much of the policy decision of G. W. Bush. having said that i owuld like to say that i actually felt physically ill reading this article. however, the problem is not in the policy...it is the fact that we are hiring people who would otherwise be flipping burgers to carry out the policy. this is about those individuals (who i guess have pretty s****y live...and honestly a pretty s****y job) suddenly being given an absurd amount of authority over others. if you want a explanation of why this s**t happens take a look at the zimbardo prisoners study....people given authroity over others pretty much become cocksuckers (not the good kind) instantly. In fact a great deal of training tkaes place to try and prevent this problem with police officers...and look at how big of dicks a lot of cops are. so give a guy a job for $12 an hour and tell him he gets to decide who can and cannot get on the plain...then tell him he is allowed to do what he needs to in order to make that decision...then see how quickly s**t hits the fan.
Whoops. Meant Handofevil.
Oh Jesus.
Re: HandofDevil
A few weeks ago I was flying and I had ALL of my art supplies with me in a bag. I went through security and got stopped, yes? They pull out a pair of scissors I forgot to take out of my bag, look at them... and then shove them back into my bag (which has probably... 75+ pencils in it) and tell me to have a nice flight. Cleared!
He looks so familiar. I saw his profile on the celebrities and millionaires dating site --------R i c h R o m a n c e s .c o m---- last week. It's said he is interested in dating hotties on that site!
My friend who works in a Disney store in an airport was almost arrested by TSA for bringing a Snowglobe to Lost and Found. Seriously.
They took him to a back room somewhere and held him for 30 minutes, interrogating him and saying how they could arrest him under the Patriot Act.
Um, what? He brought a snowglobe (that someone left in the Disney Store) to LOST AND FOUND.
"DUUUUR, IT HAS WATER IN IT, IT MUST BE A BOMB!!!"
The saddest (funniest?) part about it was, he was in his full Disney cast member garb the entire time.
When my parents and I went to New York last winter, I took my laptop. We also had a jar of peanut butter. While going through the security checkpoint, they opened the suitcase after scanning it (apparently the peanut butter looked like a bomb when sitting on top of the laptop) to check and make sure we weren't carrying a bomb. They also ran the laptop through some machine to make sure it wasn't a bomb in disguise. We got to keep the laptop, but they confiscated the peanut butter. Apparently, they won't let you take stuff on the plane if you might be hiding a weapon in it.
Wrap your mind around that. If this man was a terrorist and intended to fly a plane into a building, he doesn't need a knife to get into the cockpit. They pay him to sit there. pricelesss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
which caused them to be even more lunatics and cause misery. but their persisting incompetence wont go away.
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