Since the dawn of time, men of science have had an antagonistic relationship with your penis, and today is no different. Brilliant researchers around the globe still undertake decades of education just for the mere chance to spend every day messing about with your wang, and all presumably just to spite you. Here’s what Modern Science has been doing to eradicate your dong when you weren’t paying attention:
#5. Plastic Shrinky-dicks
It was clear the moment Billy came home from Arts and Crafts day: He was destined to be a Cracked writer.
Researchers at the University of Rochester's School of Medicine have found some worrying connections between common chemicals present in most plastics and smaller penis sizes in infants. The chemicals, called Phthalates, were initially seen to shrink the genitals in a previous study, which tracked physiological changes in rats exposed to Phthalates while gestating. The scientists found a much smaller Anogenital distance (the space between the penis and the anus,) in rats exposed to higher amounts of the chemicals, which clued the scientists into the potential effects they might have on humans. Basically, those uncaring, polluting, heartless bastard chemical manufacturers have shrunk the collective junk of all mankind. But look at the upshot: You now not only have a brilliant, sensitive, earth-friendly excuse for your small penis, but you also know the scientific term for rat taint! What lady could possibly resist charms like those?
“The only reason I’ve got a small penis is because I just care too much! Thanks, Phthalates!”
#4. Ghost Wang
A group of surgeons at Okayama university in Japan have published a paper about a curious medical condition know as ‘Phantom Penis Syndrome.’ No, it’s not the term for being haunted by a ghost that’s "being a total dickhead," but rather the genital variant of ‘Phantom Limb Syndrome.’ Typically associated with sex-change operations, Phantom Penis Syndrome describes the tendency for the feeling to remain in the penis long after it has been removed from the body. So basically, it’s more like being haunted by your ownsevered dick.
Aaaand that’s it! Horror movies are now officially over: There’s just no way anything is going to trump that. What fear could you possibly have of something as trivial as a masked murderer, when the ghost of your own amputated cock is living inside your mind every minute of every day?
These symptoms can last anywhere from days to weeks, with one particularly unlucky patient experiencing PPS for over 6 months. Even worse, the poor bastard reported that the penis had the feeling of being “always and constantly erect.” Yeah, laugh it up now, but you know those guys that have the hiccups for a few years and yearn for death? Try having your dong lopped off and then getting 24/7 blue balls for six months. If you make it out the other side of that experience with your sanity intact then congratulations, Jack Bauer! You can have a small, tasteful funeral in honor of your lost manhood, but then you better get back to work; those terrorists aren’t going to grimace disapprovingly at themselves.
#3. Science Sperm!
Horrifyingly enough: Actual Size!
Researchers at the University of New Mexico have recently completed some long-term studies on the correlation between intelligence and sperm quality. To the surprise of absolutely nobody, this crack team of brilliant career scientists have definitively concluded that intelligent men have higher sperm counts, better overall sperm health, a superior genetic makeup, make for the best lifelong mates, are preferred for one night stands, and are generally much sought after in all regards by women across the board in their blind tests. Furthermore, the scientists also found that New Mexico men with PhDs report higher incomes than their peers, are easily capable of beating up all other scientists, once dunked over Michael Jordan in a one-on-one game but never brag about it, and have a 172% success rate in bringing their partners to something called “Hyper-Orgasm.”
“Also, intelligence is directly proportional to penis size. I have an IQ of 165. That’s like…this!”
This new information even goes out of its way to contradict a previous study stating that handsome men were found to have better sperm. So even if you're a gorgeous half-rack of man-slab, unless you have access to a series of reputable journals who will publish articles backed with years of hard research about how you're the Ultimate Warrior Of Sex, you pretty much just relinquished all future tail to the scientists. If you listen carefully, you can hear the faint and distant howl of a million penises suddenly crying out in terror, and then falling silent.
#2. MILF Gel
MILF Appeal: The fact that you've pushed another human being out of there totally makes me want to get in there.
A new product, currently undergoing testing before official release, aims to solve one of the main complaints of aging women: Decreased libido. Lowered sex drive in older women is caused by diminishing levels of testosterone, and up until now the cures have always brought unwelcome and unsightly consequences. This new product, called LibiGel, is unique in that it raises testosterone levels without the usual side effects of acne and unusual hair-growth. The gel is applied, when desired, to the skin of the upper arm and takes effect almost immediately. So if, in the near future, you find yourself locking eyes with a tipsy cougar across a crowded bar and you notice, to your horror, that her upper arms are coated in slime – it’s okay! That just means she’s rarin’ to go…or else she’s a C.H.U.D. Your call.
On the down side, you're going to find out first hand what H.P. Lovecraft was talking about - as millions of slippery-limbed and ancient creatures are about to become "active" again for the first time in ages, and will soon be nightmarishly jockeying for the Pole Position on your manhood.
#1. The Cure for Cancer: Your Manhood
“Oh, your grandma has cancer? Well, I might know of a way you can get your hands on the cure…”
A dramatic discovery has revealed a new potential source for the much-desired embryonic stem cells – cells that are sought after for everything from curing cancer to reversing paralysis - and it’s one which skirts all of the inherent moral issues in harvesting cells from embryos. The new source of this miracle cure?
Apparently certain cells harvested from human testicles are imbued with many of the same properties as embryonic stem cells, but because of their source are much more likely to pass the tough legislation. Experts say this conclusively proves that God is a complete and total tool, as only cruel-hearted divine intervention could explain why the new magical cure for basically everything wrong with life has to come from “harvesting” your own balls.
“You heard me. These things. These things right here. I said harvest ‘em.”
Thomas Skutella, lead researcher at the Center for Regenerative Biology and Medicine in Tuebingen, Germany, states that the chief benefit of this discovery is that there are “no longer any ethical problems with [retrieving] these cells.” Which begs the question: Is Thomas a girl’s name in Germany? If not, may I humbly offer a diagnosis of Phantom Penis Syndrome, because if you don’t see an ‘ethical problem’ with reaping the fruit of your own ball-meat, Mr. Skutella, then I can only assume your package to have been lost in delivery. I guess it could be argued that he’s just willing to put his body on the line for the good of scientific advancement but God damn - there’s just no measure for dedication like that! I would ordinarily say that it takes giant balls to do what Thomas is doing, but I think we all know where the problem lies in that statement…
You can read more about direct threats to your genitals from Robert at his own site, I Fight Robots, or you can save some time and just punch yourself in the crotch until you pass out.