Since the dawn of time, men of science have had an antagonistic relationship with your penis, and today is no different. Brilliant researchers around the globe still undertake decades of education just for the mere chance to spend every day messing about with your wang, and all presumably just to spite you. Here’s what Modern Science has been doing to eradicate your dong when you weren’t paying attention:
It was clear the moment Billy came home from Arts and Crafts day: He was destined to be a Cracked writer.
Researchers at the University of Rochester’s School of Medicine have found some worrying connections between common chemicals present in most plastics and smaller penis sizes in infants. The chemicals, called Phthalates, were initially seen to shrink the genitals in a previous study, which tracked physiological changes in rats exposed to Phthalates while gestating. The scientists found a much smaller Anogenital distance (the space between the penis and the anus,) in rats exposed to higher amounts of the chemicals, which clued the scientists into the potential effects they might have on humans. Basically, those uncaring, polluting, heartless bastard chemical manufacturers have shrunk the collective junk of all mankind. But look at the upshot: You now not only have a brilliant, sensitive, earth-friendly excuse for your small penis, but you also know the scientific term for rat taint! What lady could possibly resist charms like those?
“The only reason I’ve got a small penis is because I just care too much! Thanks, Phthalates!”
A group of surgeons at Okayama university in Japan have published a paper about a curious medical condition know as ‘Phantom Penis Syndrome.’ No, it’s not the term for being haunted by a ghost that’s “being a total dickhead,” but rather the genital variant of ‘Phantom Limb Syndrome.’ Typically associated with sex-change operations, Phantom Penis Syndrome describes the tendency for the feeling to remain in the penis long after it has been removed from the body. So basically, it’s more like being haunted by your own severed dick.
Aaaand that’s it!
Horror movies are now officially over: There’s just no way anything is going to trump that. What fear could you possibly have of something as trivial as a masked murderer, when the ghost of your own amputated cock is living inside your mind every minute of every day?
These symptoms can last anywhere from days to weeks, with one particularly unlucky patient experiencing PPS for over 6 months. Even worse, the poor bastard reported that the penis had the feeling of being “always and constantly erect.” Yeah, laugh it up now, but you know those guys that have the hiccups for a few years and yearn for death? Try having your dong lopped off and then getting 24/7 blue balls for six months. If you make it out the other side of that experience with your sanity intact then congratulations, Jack Bauer! You can have a small, tasteful funeral in honor of your lost manhood, but then you better get back to work; those terrorists aren’t going to grimace disapprovingly at themselves.
Horrifyingly enough: Actual Size!
Researchers at the University of New Mexico have recently completed some long-term studies on the correlation between intelligence and sperm quality. To the surprise of absolutely nobody, this crack team of brilliant career scientists have definitively concluded that intelligent men have higher sperm counts, better overall sperm health, a superior genetic makeup, make for the best lifelong mates, are preferred for one night stands, and are generally much sought after in all regards by women across the board in their blind tests. Furthermore, the scientists also found that New Mexico men with PhDs report higher incomes than their peers, are easily capable of beating up all other scientists, once dunked over Michael Jordan in a one-on-one game but never brag about it, and have a 172% success rate in bringing their partners to something called “Hyper-Orgasm.”
“Also, intelligence is directly proportional to penis size. I have an IQ of 165. That’s like…this!”
This new information even goes out of its way to contradict a previous study stating that handsome men were found to have better sperm. So even if you’re a gorgeous half-rack of man-slab, unless you have access to a series of reputable journals who will publish articles backed with years of hard research about how you’re the Ultimate Warrior Of Sex, you pretty much just relinquished all future tail to the scientists. If you listen carefully, you can hear the faint and distant howl of a million penises suddenly crying out in terror, and then falling silent.
MILF Appeal: The fact that you’ve pushed another human being out of there totally makes me want to get in there.
A new product, currently undergoing testing before official release, aims to solve one of the main complaints of aging women: Decreased libido. Lowered sex drive in older women is caused by diminishing levels of testosterone, and up until now the cures have always brought unwelcome and unsightly consequences. This new product, called LibiGel, is unique in that it raises testosterone levels without the usual side effects of acne and unusual hair-growth. The gel is applied, when desired, to the skin of the upper arm and takes effect almost immediately. So if, in the near future, you find yourself locking eyes with a tipsy cougar across a crowded bar and you notice, to your horror, that her upper arms are coated in slime – it’s okay! That just means she’s rarin’ to go…or else she’s a C.H.U.D. Your call.
C.H.I.L.F.?
On the down side, you’re going to find out first hand what H.P. Lovecraft was talking about - as millions of slippery-limbed and ancient creatures are about to become “active” again for the first time in ages, and will soon be nightmarishly jockeying for the Pole Position on your manhood.
“Oh, your grandma has cancer? Well, I might know of a way you can get your hands on the cure…”
A dramatic discovery has revealed a new potential source for the much-desired embryonic stem cells – cells that are sought after for everything from curing cancer to reversing paralysis - and it’s one which skirts all of the inherent moral issues in harvesting cells from embryos. The new source of this miracle cure?
Your testicles.
Apparently certain cells harvested from human testicles are imbued with many of the same properties as embryonic stem cells, but because of their source are much more likely to pass the tough legislation. Experts say this conclusively proves that God is a complete and total tool, as only cruel-hearted divine intervention could explain why the new magical cure for basically everything wrong with life has to come from “harvesting” your own balls.
“You heard me. These things. These things right here. I said harvest ‘em.”
Thomas Skutella, lead researcher at the Center for Regenerative Biology and Medicine in Tuebingen, Germany, states that the chief benefit of this discovery is that there are “no longer any ethical problems with [retrieving] these cells.” Which begs the question: Is Thomas a girl’s name in Germany? If not, may I humbly offer a diagnosis of Phantom Penis Syndrome, because if you don’t see an ‘ethical problem’ with reaping the fruit of your own ball-meat, Mr. Skutella, then I can only assume your package to have been lost in delivery. I guess it could be argued that he’s just willing to put his body on the line for the good of scientific advancement but God damn - there’s just no measure for dedication like that! I would ordinarily say that it takes giant balls to do what Thomas is doing, but I think we all know where the problem lies in that statement…
This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 10th, 2008 at 8:00 am and is filed under Science, Science News, Science Stuff, Scienitists, Sex. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 21st, 2009 at 7:59 am
i agree with HMDK. oh and magemasher13, go cut your balls off then. and if you’re a girl, i dont know, go pull your labia off.
September 21st, 2009 at 8:46 am
Magemasher13.
Hey, take your fundie anti-science bullshit elsewhere.
Go read up on actual biology studies and especially WHY embryonic stem-cells would be vastly superior to work with.
And as for the “taking a life part”, well, you’re free to think that’s what it is. But get this: The ban on embryonic stem-cells didn’t actually prevent any abortions. All it did was ensure that already terminated pregnancies would get thrown away instead of put to use for finding cures. So if you consider a zygote a life, not only was that life “taken” once… it was “taken” once again by the ban and thrown in the bio-hazard bin instead of possibly helping OTHER lives. Talk about adding insult to injury.
And that is why religion needs to stay the fuck out of science.
Because even if the intentions are pure, if misguided, it ends up not only hindering scientific breakthroughs, it ends up with the holier-than-thous with fertilized egg all over their faces.
September 16th, 2009 at 9:13 am
[...] star Eliza Dushku talks Joss Whedon and Dollhouse (Thx: Crave Online) 5 scientific discoveries that spell doom for your penis [...]
September 14th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Hey, now…scientists are damn sexy.
I don’t work in a lab. Of course I don’t.
August 30th, 2009 at 11:46 am
Now we have even more reason to lop off the balls of violent sexual predators; everybody wins!
Though now we have to contemplate whether or not to check off the box for testicles on our organ donor cards. Will they let you into Valhall without balls?
August 3rd, 2009 at 9:17 pm
harvest my balls? WHY DIDNT I THINK OF THAT!?!?!?!
June 25th, 2009 at 11:13 am
@Call me asker:
Testosterone won’t enlarge your junk. In fact, if you take testosterone, your body stops producing it, and your balls actually shrink. They return to normal size after you stop taking T and your body starts producing it again. I’ve heard that taking HGH (Human Growth Hormone) makes your junk bigger, but like anything has some side effects.
June 1st, 2009 at 3:45 pm
Normgarry, Cracked actually was banned at my school under the category of ‘tasteless’.
March 17th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
nice.
so is there a chance to enlarge our dick? (without surgery)(exercises maybe)
taking testosterone?
supplements that increase testosterone is it possible
March 12th, 2009 at 1:56 am
Actually stem cells harvested from living people without harming them, from sources such as testicles like you mentioned in your last example are NOT embyonic stem cells. They are Adult Stem cells. A very, very large difference. Adult stem cells do not require the taking of another life to harvest and when used they don’t encounter tissue rejection like fetal stem cells.
Also, using adult stem cells over 5,000 cures for previously untreatable diseases have been discovered.
Using embryonic stem cells exactly ZERO cures have been discovered after 3 decades of research. 0. None. Not a single one. EVER. They grow great malignant tumors, though.
March 11th, 2009 at 3:51 am
I can actually access Cracked at school - and the Australian DET are computer nazis. They bad things for being under the catagory of “health”.
I wish I was kidding.
January 15th, 2009 at 8:16 am
NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO NOT MY BALLS!!!
December 31st, 2008 at 11:21 pm
Cracked was suddenly banned by my office’s Websense server as “Sex”.
I’m suprised it wasn’t sas “tasteless humor”.
December 24th, 2008 at 11:00 pm
[...] http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-scientific-discoveries-that-spell-doom-for-your-penis/ [...]
December 18th, 2008 at 12:11 am
ROFFLMFAOAPIMP
KODIAK! YOU’RE SO FUCKING FUNNY!!!
I’LL SEE YOU SOON!
December 15th, 2008 at 2:47 am
While I appreciate your lil’ joke, oh Wizard of Chronic, I gotta say Brockway’s the shit.
I mean, this article had everything: Dicks, science, thongs… what more do you want?
Keep on looking out for our genitals, Brockway.
December 14th, 2008 at 8:14 pm
It was clear the moment Robert Brockway finished his last article, he was clearly not destined to be a Cracked writer.
December 14th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
[...] So without further adieu: The 6 Deadliest Creatures (That Can Fit In Your Shoe) | Cracked.com 5 Scientific Discoveries That Spell Doom for Your Penis | Cracked.com 7 Bullshit Rumors That Caused Real World Catastrophes | Cracked.com The 7 Dumbest Things Ever [...]
December 14th, 2008 at 8:02 am
The bartender in the picture for #1 is dreamy.
December 13th, 2008 at 10:08 pm
HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!
December 13th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
Those are LIES and SLANDER, kodiak
December 13th, 2008 at 6:34 am
Guess what,I just found she have a profile on a dating site for celebrities and millionaires
– http:U k w e a l t h y m e n.c o m —.How cool is this.
December 12th, 2008 at 10:29 am
Last night, I gave the system of philosophical and spiritual learning that Christians subscribe to and Alabama Hot Pocket.
Its vagina still reeks.
The system of philosophical and spiritual learning that Christians subscribe to has a smelly vagina.
December 12th, 2008 at 7:51 am
Kodiak
You couldn’t have cause you’re gay.
December 12th, 2008 at 6:19 am
The pictures made me lol more than most of this article.
December 12th, 2008 at 3:34 am
@Metalbrainsurgery, that’s because I am a tool.
December 12th, 2008 at 3:30 am
@greengoddess, I’m talking about the Christian God. @everyone else, I’m simply answering a question, not trying to stir things up.
December 11th, 2008 at 8:33 pm
I wanted to write something supportive, if not clever, but now I gotta go look up “Alabama Hot Pocket” on Urban Dictionary.
December 11th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
The reason people get offended when you mock religious figures is two-fold: first, it’s attacking a system of philosophical and spiritual learning that they subscribe to, which by extension is attacking them. Secondly, it tends to make the attacker look like they’re not only ignorant, but derisively so, which is always repulsive.
There’s your answer. Feel free to dispute it, yadda yadda yadda.
Funny article, Brockway.
December 11th, 2008 at 8:19 pm
I gave God an Alabama Hot Pocket. He cried and threw up. I chuckled.
December 11th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
God can be a tool, just ask Job, he’ll tell you.
December 11th, 2008 at 7:38 pm
Harvesting balls could work.
Think about it,
1) every man harvests his balls.
2) no more babies can be made because of said harvested balls.
3) we all die of cancer anyway…
4) but since we made no babies there’s no one left to HAVE cancer.
CANCER IS CURED!
December 11th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
What spells “DRY” for my female hood is BONO…. That man is a hideous chode and makes never never ever want to have sex again. Oh that ladies nasty whale tale
December 11th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
@SsnakeBite: As a matter of fact, I worship Bigfoot. I am very pissed off at you.
December 11th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
My God, I guess if I wanted to lol any more in the #1, I couldn’t do it, that was fucking hilarious… “Is Thomas a girl’s name in Germany? If not, may I humbly offer a diagnosis of Phantom Penis Syndrome, because if you don’t see an ‘ethical problem’ with reaping the fruit of your own ball-meat, Mr. Skutella, then I can only assume your package to have been lost in delivery.” That totally does it.
December 11th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
I believe in Dammut which has often caused awkward situations where believers of a certain OTHER deity mistake my supplications for blasphemy.
December 11th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
…Harvest your own balls…?
December 11th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
@Metalbrainsurgery: “alabama hot pocket” made me laugh so hard…
@lithium: Which god are you talking about? Do you only believe in one of them? If so, which one? ‘Cause I was thinking about believing in a god, but I’m not sure which one to go with.
December 11th, 2008 at 11:59 am
It amazes me how much people can get upset when somebody insults a religious character (especially when they’re doing so jokingly). It amazes me that anyone can be so offended that somebody insults someone we have no way of telling if they ever existed or not.
“Hey! Bigfoot! You’re a dipshit!” Will someone get on their high horses as well?
Seriously, it’s one thing to have faith, but I can’t stand the general bigotry nowadays. Guess what? IF God exists, that means he’s the one who made us able to doubt his existence and to insult him. If he existed AND cared that we don’t respect him, he’d already have struck “blasphemers” with lightning by now, don’t you think?
December 11th, 2008 at 10:41 am
Oh and Brockway, it turns out your sister is into scat. We were having some very intimate time together, and then she asked me to give her an alabama hot pocket.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=alabama%20hot%20pocket
Well needless to say, it freaked me right the fuck out. Just lettin you know.
Your mother on the other hand has cyphillis and I wouldn’t go near her, let alone do anything with her. She seems nice tho.
December 11th, 2008 at 10:34 am
lithium, as someone who belives in God myself, I have one thing to say.
Shut the hell up. You look like a tool.
December 11th, 2008 at 9:34 am
im not suprised, not surprised at all. we all want more cock and the ‘people’ just want another excuse to get their hands on more, for more ‘research’ and life saving cures of course.
December 11th, 2008 at 7:48 am
she is my favorite. Just saw her on milllionaire personals site— http:U k w e a l t h y m e n.c o m —last week. I am wondering what kind of relationship she is looking for on that
site.Is she single again now?
December 11th, 2008 at 6:42 am
Holy shit, am I full of myself today.
December 11th, 2008 at 6:40 am
I was too harsh. I’m sorry Brockway, I’ll still read your stuff. And since no possible combination of words will win any argument on the internet because even when people know they’re wrong, they won’t admit it just for the sake of winning an argument, I refuse to argue. I will however use this comments section as it was intended to be used and comment on the article.
Funny stuff. Keep it up. Oh, and the calling God a tool thing kind of killed the mood and left me shaking my head but otherwise, good job.
December 11th, 2008 at 5:31 am
To ss: Lithium’s right. Don’t joke about God being a tool. We all know it’s true, and knowing that the bearded guy in the sky is an asshole is pretty depressing. We should kill him with science before he realises we’re onto him.
December 11th, 2008 at 4:45 am
Then how’d we get here ss? Oh, shit. I just started something didn’t I?
December 11th, 2008 at 4:38 am
2 lithium
There is no god ,you tool.
December 11th, 2008 at 3:56 am
you called God a tool in your article. That’s not something to even joke about. I will be sidestepping your pieces in the future.
December 11th, 2008 at 3:52 am
I loved the photoshopping in this article, especially the ‘Birth of Man’
December 11th, 2008 at 1:48 am
Okay, I just assumed everyone already knew of the ball-stem connection (stem cells come from embryos, embryos come from sperm, sperm comes from balls), but no one said anything because the implications were too horrifying to even consider. I guess not. Thanks for nothing, science.
December 11th, 2008 at 1:45 am
You know Robert, you have to forgive Horace a bit. Having that name probably got his ass kicked quite a lot in grade school, and his namesake is one of the great names of ancient literature. Modern aspiring pretentious liberal arts majors even make pilgramages to his ancentral home.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Horace%27s_Villa
But that’s okay, ’cause I will help you out.
Your mother has AIDS..
December 11th, 2008 at 1:37 am
so do you want a new heart or do you want your balls?
it boils down to:
new heart: you will continue to live
keep balls: you will continue to have a reason to live
December 11th, 2008 at 1:25 am
tomensnaben:
Two words - genetic compatability.
You don’t want organ rejection? You gotta use yer own balls.
December 10th, 2008 at 11:25 pm
Er… About that last one. They’ll probably just harvest them from the corpses of organ donors and men having sex changes. No worries about losing your own while you still want them.
December 10th, 2008 at 10:03 pm
two absolutley gross articles where i skipped over most in one day. Wonderful
December 10th, 2008 at 10:02 pm
I clicked expecting to see a summary of all the man-hating “data” promoted by sarcastic, embittered women, about how the entire male gender is obsolete and so on. But you completely fucking delivered without once referencing one of those idiots. You got me to laugh without reaching for the low-hanging fruit.
Low-hanging.
Man fruit.
Balls.
December 10th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
Glendoor, Cavalier, AND CJ approved of that one?
Wow.
I wish I could take credit, but I think we all know that the dicks are the real winners here.
Oh, and don’t mind Horace: I think he’s just my very first troll. The other columnists told me this would happen, but I just thought it would be more, I don’t know, impressive?
Can’t you at least imply that my mother has AIDS or something? The other writers are gonna make fun of me for having such a weak-ass troll unless you step your game up, Champ.
December 10th, 2008 at 8:52 pm
I skipped the bit of the article that had the picture of a peeled penis - no one needs to see that…
But the rest was very good.
Horace is a douche and probably thought Gladstone was funny…
December 10th, 2008 at 8:46 pm
“On the down side, you’re going to find out first hand what H.P. Lovecraft was talking about - as millions of slippery-limbed and ancient creatures are about to become “active” again for the first time in ages, and will soon be nightmarishly jockeying for the Pole Position on your manhood.”
Hilarious!
December 10th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
God doesn’t LET it happen, He MAKES it happen!
Cuz God’s a dick.
December 10th, 2008 at 7:30 pm
Ladies!
I am now offering cancer preventative shots for your:
face
chest
ass
stomach
uterus
hair (does hair get cancer? better not leave it to chance!)
PM me now for an appointment!
December 10th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
Chud references always = win
December 10th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
The horror……… mother nature was already a total bitch when she put ours on the outside, but to make them a cure for cancer? WHY DOES GOD LET IT HAPPEN!!!
December 10th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
“C.H.I.L.F?” = Brilliant.
You should invite Horace over for a barbecue or something. He really hates you for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Maybe he’s secretly DOB?
December 10th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
seminiferous tubuloidial buttnoid!
December 10th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
@Pedgerow
Oohh, snap.
December 10th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Hubcap,
Yea, it’s the Birth of Man, they just changed the position of god so that’s he’s pointing at the wang instead of Adam’s finger.
December 10th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
Is that pic with God pointing to the Man’s testicles photoshopped? I know it’s based on renaissance works like the painting on the ceiling of the Sistine chapel, but that just seems too perfect.
December 10th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
there is a pic of Freddie Mercury on the fridge
December 10th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
Well hey, at least we among the male population will have something else to boast about…
December 10th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
[...] My new Cracked article about how the sum of all human knowledge hates your penis is up over here, and you can Digg it here if you like it, or even if you don’t like it, just [...]
December 10th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
Ugh, testicle harvesting… I’m terrified.
December 10th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
Very good article! Horrific and disturbing but funny non the less!
December 10th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
I’m offiically scared of going near labs now…. especially if they want to have a dick measuring contest…..
December 10th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
A whole article devoted to dick jokes. About damn time.
Good job Brockway!
December 10th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
If your balls are full of the cure for cancer, why do people get testicular cancer?
December 10th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Brockway,
That was average, at best, for a cracked.com column. And this comes from someone who really, really thinks dick jokes are funny.
Go choke on a cock.
Best,
Horace
PS. Congratulations are in order, however. This fair to middling column was 100 times better than last week’s piece of shit.
December 10th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Funny, yes. Horribly scary, yes. Pain in my nether-region, yes.
December 10th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Holy crap that was funny. My clients at workk must be thinking i have gone insane. Or maybe im justy moreso than usual. Ghost cock… love it . And they thought my ex’s frankencock was funny lol
December 10th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
“I said harvest ‘em.”
oh fuck, you made me blow milk out of my nose and into my keyboard.
damn thing’s all boogery now.
December 10th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
YAY scientist sperm! YAY MILFS! YAY C.H.I.L.F.s! Brockway, I think I love you.
December 10th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Ball harvesting? The horror.
LALALALALALALALALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!!!
December 10th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Wow I wish I had the sack to harvest my own sack to save lives. But then I’d need some sort of fake sack to you know replace whats missing so my wiener isn’t lonely.
December 10th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
That’s definitely a misuse of the word “upshot.”
December 10th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Hey no one said we have to harvest our own balls we can harvest the balls of homeless people. They have no permanent address so technically they dont exist, making my idea completely ethical
December 10th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
greengoddess, you are right! offensive material! at cracked.com! i never thought i’d see the day. I’LL NEVER READ THIS SITE AGAIN!
December 10th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
I don’t see how this is a big deal. If everyone ELSE gets a smaller dick too, then I am still on the same playing field as everyone else.
December 10th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Wait, they can go faking stem cells with ball cells? That’s terrifc! If they’re willing to pay, i’m putting my balls on the line for science right now. If that gives us a shot at immortality, I’ll do it for free.
Hell, even if immortility requires grinded babies, I’m all for immortality. Unless those babies are kittens.
December 10th, 2008 at 11:56 am
The picture of the mother with her cheeks hanging out for all the world to see and drool over is completely offensive. Men should see women as equals, not objects. And who does that woman think she is anyway?
I wish my ass looked like that.
December 10th, 2008 at 11:55 am
lol…. ball-meat.
December 10th, 2008 at 11:52 am
LOL, very well said indeed. I like the MILF comment. Never thought about it that way before!
jess
http://www.privacy.de.tc
December 10th, 2008 at 11:52 am
The penis in the picture is much larger than mine
December 10th, 2008 at 11:29 am
YES!! There you go, Brockway - you’re officially a Cracked writer! THESE are the topics you must numerically list.
Hooray!
December 10th, 2008 at 11:24 am
Hmm I read “Skulltula” instead of Skutella.
I knew Zelda had a different purpose for Link…
Plus, alivche, did Brockway die after writing ths article? Christ!
Where are the harvesting saws?!
December 10th, 2008 at 10:47 am
Next time would you mind not using my ex-wife’s picture in your articles.
She probably sent that to you just to get back at me.
December 10th, 2008 at 10:36 am
#2 is the most scarring thing I have yet to see on cracked…and that is saying something. I am not finishing the rest of the article, and it should be removed from your archives. Some things ARE sacred, buddy boy…
December 10th, 2008 at 10:34 am
Lol. Robert wrote “C.H.U.D” - which when pronounced like ‘hood’ means ‘fucked’ in slang Hindi.
December 10th, 2008 at 10:31 am
I will be ready when the harvest begins…
December 10th, 2008 at 10:20 am
Hannah Montana is the reason for all Phantom Penis Syndrome.
December 10th, 2008 at 10:12 am
On the stem cells - they’ve harvested stem cells from umbilical cords and actually gotten results, while embryonic stem cells “have potential” and are apparently controversial.
You’ve got to imagine that umbilical cords are a better source than testicles since they’re at least somewhat renewable…
December 10th, 2008 at 10:02 am
C.H.U.D.
I love that movie.
December 10th, 2008 at 9:55 am
MichaelFurlong: WTF? You are more interested in taking psuedo-steroids then having a hot MILF good to go? For shame man.
December 10th, 2008 at 9:53 am
Try zinc during infancy. It’s supposed to help increase long dongs.
December 10th, 2008 at 9:50 am
C.H.I.L.F.? ROFLMAO!
December 10th, 2008 at 9:50 am
Awesome. I must have grabbed at my balls like ten, eleven times while reading this article…
Come to think of it, that’s actually three or four times less than normal while reading articles on cracked.
Still… Good show old boy.
December 10th, 2008 at 9:43 am
Really funny. I don’t know how many hours you spent finding the font for “GHOST COCK,” but it’s perfect.
December 10th, 2008 at 9:38 am
one of the most hilarious articles in weeks. good to see some great material again
December 10th, 2008 at 9:27 am
I laughed so hard at C.H.I.L.F…..I’m just now catching my breath.
December 10th, 2008 at 9:22 am
The last paragraphs is great. Im gonna have to take extra protective measures in future, another reason to be paranoid.
Hey do you think that testosterone gel would work for blokes? Not increasing labido so much, but usefull for a heavy weights work out. Could it be similar to taking steroids, cause they can do some long term damage to your body.
December 10th, 2008 at 8:56 am
HAHAHA… CHILF.
nice MILF whale tail, as well…
December 10th, 2008 at 8:47 am
I was gonna say “THIRD”!
Fuck you alivche
FUCK YOU
December 10th, 2008 at 8:43 am
your fans all over the world will miss you. Rest in peace! I just find you on the celeb and millionaire dating site****** U k w e a l t h y m e n.com— ********** and he have a chat with you there.
December 10th, 2008 at 8:39 am
That was amusing.
December 10th, 2008 at 8:33 am
First!