It was clear the moment Billy came home from Arts and Crafts day: He was destined to be a Cracked writer.Researchers at the University of Rochester's School of Medicine have found some worrying connections between common chemicals present in most plastics and smaller penis sizes in infants. The chemicals, called Phthalates, were initially seen to shrink the genitals in a previous study, which tracked physiological changes in rats exposed to Phthalates while gestating. The scientists found a much smaller Anogenital distance (the space between the penis and the anus,) in rats exposed to higher amounts of the chemicals, which clued the scientists into the potential effects they might have on humans. Basically, those uncaring, polluting, heartless bastard chemical manufacturers have shrunk the collective junk of all mankind. But look at the upshot: You now not only have a brilliant, sensitive, earth-friendly excuse for your small penis, but you also know the scientific term for rat taint! What lady could possibly resist charms like those?
“The only reason I’ve got a small penis is because I just care too much! Thanks, Phthalates!”