Two years ago, we took you inside the insane world of Japanese Halloween costumes. Last year we visited the dark carnival that is the German Halloween industry. So how to top that this year? What nation or ethnic group would we slander next? Mexico is a fairly reliable whipping boy. Everyone hates Italians, how about them? Also, fuck Mongolia.
Well, it turns out that Japan is just way, way better at this than anyone else. So to keep it interesting, we've decided to throw the strangest costumes the rest of the world can muster against the Japanese. Sort of a World War of costumes that will haunt your dreams.
We didn't even know we wanted to see the Japanese take on Eddie Murphy in Delirious, but now we can't imagine how we lived without it.
Hey folks! There's a party in my pants! Only one guy's shown up so far, but he seems in pretty high spirits.
Cobalt Rape Demon, a character from a popular Japanese children's cartoon.
We're hoping Inter-racial limb and scalp transplants are a pretty big thing in Japan, because otherwise this is pretty inexplicable. We honestly can't tell if this is racist or not.
This is a little clearer.
The joke here is evidently that this guy's suit shrunk in the wash, but we have no idea why the back of the jacket is missing. They clearly didn't use the extra fabric on his shorts. Huge fake penis = funny. Clearly visible actual penis = also funny, but in a way that will make people edgy and uncomfortable.
See, now that's classic "huge fake penis" funny. Just be careful to not hang around schools in this one.
Leaving Japan for a stretch, this is actually a pretty good lobster costume, but also a perfect example of why men with mustaches don't get modeling work anywhere but Germany.
Russia has a weird relationship to western culture. They'll spend decades denouncing capitalism, and then wait in line for hours to taste a Big Mac. Or in this case, a Russian kid will murder an American icon and then use the severed head to compliment his pantyhose.
This is not a costume you wear if you want to meet women. This is a costume you wear if you want to meet victims.
Sort of a furry meets Eyes Wide Shut thing going on here. For at least a couple reasons, this looks like it would be a nightmare to clean.
Included for both the terrifying dead eyes, and for how pronounced the camel-toe is on this costume.
Fake noses are a pain in the ass for costumes, given their propensity to fall off while drinking or engaging in certain sex acts, but we don't think this is the answer. These guys look like they're about to hold up a Hallmark store.
Of course anything Westerners can do, the Japanese can do crazier. This is evidently some sort of Fourth Reich Reindeer superhero.
We were going to make some sort of "which one's the costume" joke, but we can't bring ourselves to do it - they're both so happy, we love these guys so much.
When Japan was six-years old, Christmas murdered his parents, and ever since then he's been kind of weird about it.
A star/flower/kitty mask. A lot of powerful iconography here, this represents an early attempt by Japanese scientists to crossbreed the cutest costume ever.
Holy fuck. We have looked at a lot of costumes these last few years, and this is the only one we've seen that makes you look like a child molester version of Brent Spiner.
Your guess is as good as ours. We can't disagree with the label though.
We lost track of the name of this one, but we're guessing it said "Orthogonal Pig Hat."
Kicking off our last cluster of rest-of-the-world-ers, this British costume represents a pretty fundamental misunderstanding of either the Rudolph mythos, or the basic anatomy of reindeer.
Shiver. From the part of Russia still using wood etchings for mass communication--there's actually a whole series of these, all featuring cherubic little boys outfitted in frilly costumes and longing pouty facial expressions. We went with this one because, in addition to the creepiness, we like the diagram of the important features of a carrot.
"Hey lady. I'm near-impotent and like to hide in the corner. Wanna fuck?"
For the winner in the not-Japan category, we have Germany at its absolute best. First of all, this is the creepiest lighting ever. It looks like a kangaroo prostitute standing under a lamp post on a deserted street, wondering how life slipped away from her. And why is her baby red? Is it still coated in afterbirth? Is this actually some non-marsupial in the midst of a C-Section? Fuck you Germany for making us ask these questions.
And yes, Japan topped that shit 11 times. Hold on to your butts.
We don't know what it is, we don't know why the wings disappeared when it landed on the cat's head, and we don't know where the probe is. All we do know is that we haven't been able to sleep since we saw these pictures.
The humor value of this Hello Kitty costume is directly proportional to how raspy and gruff the wearer's voice is. If you've got a bad cold or have spent years of your life at sea, putting this on and announcing to the room that you weigh the same as three apples will probably kill someone from laughter.
In Japan there's a huge problem with these guys sneaking into beach resorts and waiting for unsuspecting sunbathers to seek shelter from the sun.
The lack of leg holes, or room for anything south of the thigh, suggest this is probably the only haunted condom costume made for hovering double amputees in the world.
It's because of costumes like this that we here at Cracked finally changed our "sticking our dick in mailboxes" policy.
This robot is programmed for loving and is fully equipped to take it by force.
If you're kind of shy, this is the costume for you, because the less you say, the more hilarious it is. If you can wear this to a party, stand in the corner and say nothing the whole night, people will talk about you for years.
Awesome. If there's any adventurous girls reading this, here's an idea for this Halloween: turn this costume around, put it on, and see how many people get it. Now imagine trying to explain it to your children years from now, when a picture of it turns up on The Facebook of Tomorrow.
In Japan, they don't really understand how sideburns work.
It's stuff like this where Japan really demonstrates their dominance in the "fucking insanity" arena. The best western scientists working with the smartest robots could work for years and not come up with something like this.
Best costume of the year folks. We love the speedometer on this. Great for keeping it under control, and for measuring your progress. "Hey! We're making incredible time!"
If those costumes didn't convince you that the world is a terrifying place, check out 5 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Apocalypse Could Actually Happen. Or calm your nerves by reading up on The 7 Most Easily Escapable Movie Monsters. Or cower in the face of the horror that is CNN attempting to do comedy.
Bawitdaba, pass the green beans.
It's hard out there for millionaire purveyors of garbage pizza.