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Insane Japanese Halloween Costumes!

By Robotman October 31, 2006 176,193 views
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The Japanese invented reliable automobiles, robots that look like dogs and most of the more interesting sex acts on the web. But how well do they do costumes? To find out we strapped on our favorite web browser and scoured what the online Japanese costume world had to offer. We were not disapointed.

Full Body Costumes



From the world famous "Party Costume" line of party costumes, we have here a bodysuit patterned with what appears to be one of those Magic Eye things. "Don't focus on my ass. Focus through it."

We feel the need to point out that we didn't photoshop this, although clearly, this is exactly the kind of thing we'd photoshop were we inclined to create a monkey costume with an obscenely large sack and a tiny penis.
On a related note, if any of our readers work for a charitable organization, we'd be willing to bet that the "monkey with an enormous ball sack and tiny penis costume" might just be the hot new successor to those rubber Livestrong bracelets.


Translation: "I eat and live in your poo!"


Nothing says "I love the US of A!" and "man camel toe" like an American Flag bodysuit.


If you ever wanted to connect your head to your penis like some insane M.C. Escher drawing, this Halloween, consider the Mobius Giraffe.


Masks


Here' a giraffe, wearing a nice yellow collared shirt. Plaid too. Guess he couldn't afford the bottom half of the giraffe costume, so he wore the yellowiest thing he could find.

The closer you look at the way the mouth is hanging open like that, the more you have to wonder if we've stumbled upon an outfit for an unusually specialized type of fetish.


This might be the most racist thing we've ever seen.


This is either a Japanese version of Homer Simpson or a brave samurai warrior, battling his most dangerous opponent yet: jaundice.




This is sort of what we'd imagine a holiday film by Quentin Tarantino would look like.
Dasher: "Have you ever given a guy a foot massage?"
Blitzen: "Fuck You."


Translation: "We have won a Super Baseball Tournament! Now to celebrate with a ritualized act of group sex!"


One, it' a tail, not an enormous ropy piece of poo. So get your mind out of the gutter. Also note the lack of massive testicles, making this statistically the most wholesome monkey costume in this article.


Translation: "Rub me against women!"


This eggplant clearly has somewhere to be, so we won't keep him.


In Japan, Spiderman wears black, not red, and his great powers inspire no great responsibility within him. Actually, he spends most of his time using his incredible abilities to molest women on commuter trains.


We were a little torn about whether to use this picture or not, as the model is clearly not Japanese. We decided to include it, and a few others, simply because they were too ridiculous to pass up. Our favorite part of this one is the cocksure look on the guy' face. "Yes, that is the lower body of a swan ballerina, thank you for noticing. My skull is an enigmatic and magical being, and has a complicated back-story and creation mythology. I would be happy to explain it to you over coffee, or perhaps a drink sometime."


The next logical step after a swan ballerina on your head is of course a swan ballerina around your crotch, here inexplicably modeled by a 13 year-old boy. It' been awhile since we were that age, but we can't imagine this costume doing a kid any favors if any of his friends saw him in it. As we've seen time and again, 13 can be a pretty tough age for a boy, especially when you have legs like a goddamned woman.


And finally, we have the last costume from Japan. And we don't mean the last costume in this article, or the last costume wefound. We mean the last costume ever. The Omega Costume. Over the course of researching this article, we discovered that the huge amount of heroically retarded costumes we saw were only incremental steps of the development process of the Japanese Costume industry. Incremental steps that led to this, the greatest costume to ever exist:


Chris Bucholz is a Contributing Editor at Cracked Magazine, and writer of the hilarious blog Robotman!




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151 Comments

I swear that at least 3 of these costumes were designed by Bjork.

11/1/2009 9:44:22 PM
likalaruku

that was just too great! the swans, hahahahaha

10/30/2009 5:51:49 AM
ninja_panda

A tanooki is a raccoon.

10/29/2009 3:55:34 PM
STINKbone

no one gives a f**k what a tanooki is. its a monkey with big balls, and you're all nerds for bitching about it.

10/29/2009 2:53:43 PM
Anathame

Isn't a swan head usually depicting man parts in Japan? we might have a similar costume with a giant mushroom on our head or Dick Chaney sticking out the front of our pants (not a half bad idea!). Still quite disturbing...

10/29/2009 10:34:16 AM
Destructifier

For haloween this year, I'm going as a republican voter. Two reasons, 1) I don't have to buy a costume, and 2) it's the scariest thing I can think of.

10/29/2009 6:42:37 AM
T-Weezy

Yes, the main purpose of Haloween has become an excuse for boys to get free candy and girls to dress like sluts. "You're supposed to be a witch? Yeah, maybe if she was a prostitute..."

10/29/2009 6:39:50 AM
T-Weezy

Do you guys know where to purchase that monkey costume with the enlarged nuts? Thanks! Trying to get it for halloween

10/23/2009 11:18:50 AM
wheeleyum

The large sacked monkey costume is actually a costume of a japanese mythological spirit known as a Tanooki, a name some of you may recognize from Super Mario Brothers 3 as one of the suits you could find. If you do recognize it from that, congratulations on being old. Anyways, the Tanooki of legend was basically a raccoon thing that was depicted with massive balls that they would actually fight with. So yeah, japan has been weird for a long f*****g time.

10/10/2009 8:38:39 PM
happyheathen

great ideas

9/24/2009 3:12:00 PM
Plussizecostume

OMG. The most disturbing are definitely the European posing in the freak costumes. I need to erase that from my brain.

9/11/2009 9:29:59 PM
Sexy-Costumes

Anybody who thinks a portrayal of raccoon-dog with large testicles is remotely strange has never seen animals before. Seriously. LOTS of animals have large genitalia and lots of people like to exaggerate them for no real reason.

9/11/2009 1:22:15 PM
UncleNorathOWEN

I heard that tanukis use their jumbo-sac as a parachute so they can float gently down from tree tops.

8/1/2009 10:01:43 PM
Mahawk

I think this article (and the people's comments) are misinformed about the "monkey with the testicles"

http://obakemono.com/obake/tanuki/

4/7/2009 6:57:12 PM
drunkenstyle

The best part about the first "monkey" costume. . . Totally looks like a Tanuki, a Japanese spirit that goes around to sake bars and never pays for his drinks, along with having huge testicles. Even better . . . Japanese school children will sing the song "Tan Tan Tanuki his balls go swing swing" on the playground. I feel like it explains so much (about the Japanese).

10/29/2008 12:09:23 PM
chelsea_a

Because it was a japanese face made by a japanese company.A race can't be racist against itself.

10/27/2008 12:49:24 PM
Leperkhan

How is that costume of the black guy racist but the one under it not?

10/27/2008 11:21:50 AM
MichaelFurlong

The Tanuki has massive balls because it's supposed to represent fertility and all that stuff. Although sometimes they give it a fat gut instead, but is that anywhere near as hilarious?

10/27/2008 7:34:52 AM
Starik20X6

I'd wear that baseball thing.
Well, maybe if they changed the shape to make it actually round and not look like you have a beer gut.

10/27/2008 6:02:32 AM
RedEye5

Well Kala, if we did have costumes like those, people would be all like "Hey! Where the f**k did all the slutty devil girls go?" I might not even bother to answer the door because whats the point when all the girls are wearing f*****g MONKEY COSTUMES. What a turn-off.

6/24/2008 9:00:06 PM
Slightly_sane

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