The 7 Most Easily Escapable Movie Monsters
|
When victim and movie monster square off, it's not exactly a chess match. Here's seven monsters that anyone with working legs and the IQ of a well-trained Dalmatian could escape. Samara Morgan from The Ring
How will she kill you?
How can you win? Since nobody seems to have tried this, we don't know if she'll wait, biting her non-nails in your cathode ray tube until the new season of Battlestar Galactica starts and you have to come back. Also, maybe try to mess with her. Can she come out of a laptop? A video iPod? Go to a TV store and you'll probably get a Scooby Doo-esque chase scene with the two of you running in and out of screens. If all else fails, run out the clock in a sports stadium with Jumbo Vision and take a lot of innocent people with you.
How will it kill you? How can you win? Also, it seems to have a bomb built inside it somewhere, activated by pushing buttons on its wrist.
If you can wait until it's asleep and turn that thing on, all you have to do is run. Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
How will he kill you? How can you win? Also, don't talk to anyone within 150 miles of a Leatherface encounter. Every single one of them is related to him and wants to eat your succulent young flesh. Just keep driving until you’re not in Texas any more. The demon Pazuzu from The Exorcist
How will he kill you? How can you win? The demon will probably be frustrated enough to leave at this point, and if not, hey, just go somewhere else and get drunk. We should add a disclaimer that the possessed girl will most likely die, but this article is about how you can survive. Michael Myers from Halloween
How will he kill you? How can you win? With this knowledge, maintain a brisk walking pace in an open area such as a field. With no objects to suddenly appear from behind, Myers will soon be just a tall man alone in a field, stabbing at some cows.
If he does make it into your house or similar enclosed area, call the police, but try not to make any reference to an indestructible ghost-giant killing machine. This will inevitably lead to a single skeptical officer arriving at your door, finding no evidence whatsoever, and then being killed in your presence later on, having learned a valuable lesson about trust. NOTE: This section can also be applied to Jason Voorhees from Friday the 13th.
How will he kill you?
How can you win? This tactic can equally be applied to the Body Snatchers, creditors and minor inconveniences. Also, if you suspect one of your enemies is The Thing, smile! He or she died a painful death before getting taken over. The Blair Witch from The Blair Witch Project
How she kill you?
How can you win? The Blair Witch is, however, old, dead and picks on children. If you are reading this distinctly adult-oriented site, you should be old enough to just punch her in the face and stroll away, possibly walking on her lawn in the process. |
|
|
Well, for the observant victim, Samara's main weakness is that you know when she's going to come get you. That is, in seven days, right down to the fucking minute. One would think the obvious thing to do would be to step outside and leave the TV behind. Go camping maybe.
The Predator's weakness is honor. Even Schwarzenegger realized this, since he noticed it butchered everyone in the film except for the helpless woman they had taken hostage. Using this knowledge to your advantage, smear yourself with feces and crawl weeping toward it. Wrap yourself around its shin and rock back and forth, making as much mess and noise as possible. The 
Leatherface is stupid. Really, inbred-to-the-point-of-extinction stupid. Your recourse is to be smart. Not even that smart, just stop running and screaming for two fucking minutes. If you get out of his line of sight and keep your trap shut, he'll forget you exist and wander home to play with LEGOs.
Don't listen to him. You've likely been given the advice that he'll mix lies and truth to fuck with you, the trick is to pay no attention to either. There's always the chance that your mother does suck cocks in hell, but there's not really a lot you can do about it, is there? Have a cup of tea and nod thoughtfully at each of his points, and then counter with a quote from a popular cartoon or anime series.
Reddit
Facebook
StumbleUpon
Digg
Del.icio.us
FarkRecommended for Your Pleasure
-
6 Star Wars Characters Too Retarded for Film
by: Tom Gibbens809,075 views -
6 'Brilliant' Movie Scientists (Who Suck At Their Job)
715,122 views -
6 Magical Movie Items They Wasted on Bullshit
684,375 views -
6 Movie Plots Made Possible by Bafflingly Bad Decisions
648,207 views
Here is how you kill pretty much any of the "nigh invincible" movie monsters: when that inevitable moment in every movie comes when said monster is on the ground, incapacitated for long enough for the heroine to walk ten feet away, drop her weapon, and start crying loud enough so she doesn't hear the monster stand up, CUT THEIR f*****g HEAD OFF. Or make them explode. Chop them to bits. Don't stab them in the face with a coat hanger until they fall out of a second story window, then assume "they be dead," go grab an axe and chop his goddamned head and limbs off, so when they do regain consciousness, they can no longer f**k s**t up. They will be a headless, limbless sack of depressed rage for the rest of their seemingly immortal lives. Hell, make a profit out of it. Let the grieving family members of their victims piss on the corpse for 50 bucks a pop, and I'm sure there are those serial killer necrophiliacs that would pay a couple hundred for a midnight sexing.
The pictures scared me to death. I feel incredibly pathetic.
To escape zombies, don't act like a dick, shut up, and lock down. Get your gun if you have one. It's like deer hunting, only in reverse!
The way to escape Chucky: Like how to escape swans. Grab him by the f*****g neck, and throw him as far away as possible, then run for your life. That, or f*****g stab his ass until they can't identify him at the morgue.
So to escape the Predator all I need to do is tie my hands together and weep? If he's honarable there's no way in hell he's going to kill a fourteen year old girl.
For the people talking about Candyman or Pinhead any other Movie Monsters you have to summon, those kind of creatures are pointless to this list. The list isn't easily avoidable, but escapable. Which implies that the monster is slready there.
I think classic "Living Dead" zombies deserve an honourable mention. How to escape? Walk. Not even quickly. Dawn of the Dead even proves at the end that you can just run through the bastards.
Note: this is a very ill-advised tactic for 28 Days Later style zombies, who will merely catch you and vomit blood into a giant wound they have opened from your sternum to your rectum.
what about Chucky?
just punt the f****r!!
This article is I have to say one of my personal funniest on here, giving note to these lines:
"There's always the chance that your mother does suck cocks in hell, but there's not really a lot you can do about it, is there? Have a cup of tea and nod thoughtfully at each of his points, and then counter with a quote from a popular cartoon or anime series."
"This being the case, you're likely able to move faster than the standard Myers saunter-–the pace of a retarded glacier."
"Evidently, by making you stand in the corner, then pushing you over. This is particularly effective if you happen to be a 5-year-old with brittle bone disease."
Definitely LOLworthy. Good job, Cracked.
@Conformist138
Yeah actually I saw some of the movies and in fact it seems like Leatherface barely is even a serial killer. Many of the people he kills he's just forced to by his sadistic family. Quite frankly if you could just issue social services (backed up by a SWAT team and preferably a lynch mob of rednecks) you'd be A-OK
"Just keep driving until you’re not in Texas any more."
Probably good advice whether Leatherface is involved or not.
That was always my opinion, Flashpenny. Some people just can't help themselves; my best friend wants to have Pinhead's babies. My first thought? That's gonna hurt like HELL on the way out!
What about Pinhead? If you find a weird puzzle box given to you by a merchant asking you about sadomasochistic desires, DO NOT SOLVE THE f****n' BOX! Burn it. That makes Pinhead quite escapable. Just don't open the box and you're cool.
As for Mrs Blair Witch, you They could have just said 'f**k it', turned off the camera and BURNT THE FOREST TO THE GROUND
You could not escape Michael for many good reasons. First off, yes he doesn't run but unlike retards like Leatherface and Jason or just plain idiots like Freddy and Chucky, Michael's smart. If he hears that you're locking all the doors and boarding up all the windows of your house so he can't get in, he'll get in beforehand. He knows all the shortcuts. Secondly you can run but eventually you'll tire out from all that sprinting whilst Michael will be full of energy from just having a nice stroll. Thirdly f you live in Haddonfield you can't really leave because of the crappy economy so Michael'll be comin' to getcha! So you can't really sell your house to evade him. Plus no matter how many bullets you empty into him, no many how many times you stab him, no matter how many balconies you throw him from, no matter how many times you set him on fire, no matter how many times you run him over, no matter how many times you beat him with a pipe, no matter who many times you poison him, no matter how many times you hang him, no matter how many times you electrocute him, Michael will always be back for your guts next Halloween. He's the one slasher villain who's virtually inescapable.
You should show pictures from any Halloween except the first one. He walked normally in the original. Then they got lazy with the scripting and just made him walk like a retard for the next half dozen movies to help the chase scenes. It's a major reason why they all sucked balls after the original.
Perfect example: compare A) Michael coming down the stairs after Laurie in Part 1; with B) Michael coming down the stairs after Laurie in the hospital in Part 2. It's pathetic.
Ok so I am fully confident that there will someday be a Zombie invasion. This being said I recommend you all read "The Zombie Survival Guide." Though written as though it spawned from a Cracked writers mind (I love you Cracked) it certainly contains some very helpful tips for surviving the invasion. Must read for all.
ME_Also- Thanks, I actually know a hell of a lot about Zombies because even though I am terrified of them, my DVD collection is mostly made up of the Zombie genre so that I know what to do. But what your saying is good advice.
I have many plans of action for Z-day depending on the type, cause, intelligence, speed and general nuance of the Zombies in question.
My gripe is this. Every time I tell someone that I have Kinmortophobia their first reaction is to laugh in my face and then pretend to be a Zombie but we shall see whos laughing on the other side of their faces when I have made a Planet Terror style Utopia and the rest of you dismissive cynics are shambling about outside of it with half of the "other side of your face" OFF!!!
Yeah thats right.......OFF!!
Ouch, coincidence.
More on Movies & TV
-
7 Horrifying Moments from Classic Kids Movies
1,041,637 views -
6 Beloved TV Shows (That Traumatized Cast Members For Life)
950,677 views -
5 Badass Movie Characters You Didn't Know Were Real People
944,779 views -
The 5 Most Maddeningly Unresolved TV Plot Lines
928,752 views
-
The Men Who Stare At Goats: New Trailer
by: CRACKED21,257 views -
Curse of the Duck Hunt Dog
by: Tremendosaur67,902 views
-
Articles
-
Videos
-
Columnists
-
More Cracked
-
About
Copyright © 2005 - 2009 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.
Actually, I'm pretty sure that Samara can appear out of any reflective surface. For example, in the Japanese original (or if it was Ringu 2) she appeared out of the visor of a guy's motorcycle helmet. So basically, even if sitting their at your sheltered camp site, as soon as you grab a drink of water she's gonna get ya.