Remember that Facebook contest we talked about last week? The one where we promised to give away an iPod touch? Well, we have the winner. It wasn't an easy choice, but we have one...
That's not true. It was remarkably easy. We picked somebody at random. It's probably the easiest decision we've ever made. The only way this could have been easier would be if we just lied and didn't pick anyone.
Which we also considered but didn't follow through on thanks to a fairly stern letter from our legal department.
Anyhow, out of 501 submissions, we have chosen Calvin Pellsworth as the winner. Congrats, Calvin! (Sweet name!) Enjoy your iPod touch and thank to everyone else for playing. This will not be our last ridiculous contest.
5 Upcoming Remakes of 80s Movies That Must Be Stopped
"Red Dawn?" More like "terrible idea for a remake because its themes are out of date," right? Right gang?
Notable Comment: Goose 129 says "How about this: "A group of terrorist invade a small town, led by a ruthless mask wearing fiend named Jason Ali-Ben-Palin. Armed with a laptop that took a direct nuke blast, he is able to control everything from playboy models to vending machines. The local dojo takes on the terrorist and in some sadistic way kick ass. The terrorist are driven out of town and the Navy pilots take over and cleanse them of their evil ways." There.... all five..... one remake.... all done." You know Hollywood's gonna make that now, right? They read messageboards, and now that movie is totally gonna happen. Great.
10 People From Your Past Who Will Haunt You on Facebook
Or you could just, you know, delete your facebook account. That's a pretty good idea.
Notable Comment: Puka says "What they're really saying: I don't use Facebook or Myspace. I'm better than you." Nailed it!
5 Innovative Ways Hollywood is Screwing You Over
We're still gonna buy every single version of The Dark Knight they ever release.
Notable Comment: mtrix534 wonders "what does nc-17 stand for?" It's 'Not Saf-' oh...oh. Not...cool for under 17? Not...censored? Huh. This is really a quick google search that we just don't feel like doing, so we're gonna say it means "Nine Cocks," (with eight cocks, you can still slip by with an R rating).
6 Famous Unsolved Mysteries with Really Obvious Solutions
Isn't the real mystery inside of us all? (We don't know. We're aksing.)
Notable Comment:Blackrifice says "Excellent article, you guys are geniuses."
What? He's right.
5 Most Overrated Jobs of All Time
Working for Cracked is the only admirable job left.
Notable Comment:GOTI says "I was starting to believe Cracked had stopped stalking me. Sure, you posted about that mountain thing yesterday, about 2 days after I heard about it elsewhere, but I was gonna let that slide. But then you post about private eyes/Humphrey Bogart right after I watch "The Big Sleep."" Oh GOTI, we'll never be done stalking you. P.S., you sleep weird. That thing you with your arm? Weird.
YOU YOU YOU!
The Most Awkward Moments of All Time
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? Check out this week's contest about: How to Stay in Business After the Economic Meltdown.
Your move Orkin man.
"Really, Janice? Blow the horn at them? Giant robotic fucking ANTS are attacking our car and you want me to 'blow the horn at them'?!?!?
See, I would have figured Sarah Jessica Parker as an Obama supporter.
"Don't blame me. I voted "Neigh" on Proposition 204." "
My name in Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Some people disapproved of Zorro's "tough love" parenting.
Waiting for the helium dealer, they look forward to getting high.
When you absolutely, positively need to suffocate your kid.
Above picture: Statue-tory Rape.
This is why Medusa is never allowed to come to orgies...
This ad was sponsored by Daleks for Obama.
Instead of giving profits to the poor, they spent $100,000 on a damn robot to hold up the sign.
Oh how I wish I didn't.
Do YOU remember what 150 feet at all times means???
Some of the most monumental moments in history happened because some idiot was really bad at their job.
We're so inundated with Trump news that we shrug off scandals that would tank any other president.