Dear Mom and Dad,
Hey! It’s your first son, Michael (the one in Hollywood). I’m here in Hollywood, striking it big. I should mention I met T-Boz the other day. You probably don’t know who she is, but trust me, it’s kind of a big deal. We might work together on some projects.
Anyway, I know I haven’t written since I moved out. Things have been kind of hectic for the last three and a half years. You know: unpacking boxes, setting up Internet, pretending we’re not home when the landlord comes by, that kind of thing.
But I thought it might be a good time to catch up. How are you? I heard you had another kid; that’s great! I hope to meet him/her next time I’m free (looking like mid-2010, although that could fill up if this T-Boz thing takes off).
This bailout is pretty nuts, huh? I’ve been watching the whole thing on the news; first it’s going to pass, then it doesn’t pass, now it’s coming back. All that money. It really makes you think: sometimes, it’s important for money to be given to people, even if the reason they need the money is that they’re failing.
Of course, I wouldn’t know much about that. It’s pretty tough to fail out here in H’Wood (as we call it). There just seems to be opportunities everywhere. Just last week I saw the Robert Zemeckis building. His building!
So when I talk about the bailout of AIG as an example of generosity and understanding in the face of desperate failure, then that’s just what I mean. Washington is like a family, you know? The lawmakers are the parents (like you!) and the U.S. banks are like the kids (like me!).
It’s just so refreshing to see that even though AIG may have made some mistakes, Washington is thoughtful enough to help them out, and see their potential for growth.
Oh, did I mention? I’ve eaten nothing but Kraft Macaroni and Cheese for the past eight weeks. I think I might be getting some kind of malnourishment; my skin is yellow and sometimes I don’t go to the bathroom for two days. I only mention it because I know how much Mom likes biology stuff like that. It’s quite the experiment!
So yeah, what do you guys think about the bailout? Feel free to write me about it, perhaps in the memo section of a check. That would be kind of fitting, to write about a bailout on a check, right? See, your boy’s still a joker! Who cares if we had to sell the dogs to make the electricity bill this month? I’ve still got a smile on my face and a chuckle in my pocket! Not that I can afford a luxury like pockets right now, but the point stands.
I might be writing a thing for Taint Magazine, by the way. It’s a new magazine, but I have high hopes (don’t look into it; it’s hard to find).
Seven hundred billion dollars. Sure seems like a lot of money, doesn’t it? A lot more than, say, six hundred dollars, which coincidentally is how far behind I am on my rent. And it’s like, where is all this money? Probably stuffed into a huge mattress in the White House somewhere (my guess is the Lincoln Bedroom).
Where does money like that come from, anyway? Where does money come from at all? Beats me. I’ve been working in Hollywood for months now, and I still haven’t figured that one out. Actually, a Producer at a party showed me one place where money comes from once, but I don’t think I’d want to do that again. I had to shower so much afterwards I think I spent as much on water as I made!
Hopefully I’ll find some money soon, or I may just have to give that guy a call. I’d prefer not to though; I’d rather bail out.
“Bail out!” That’s funny, that I’d mention that when that’s not even what I was talking about. Yeah, so hopefully I’ll be able to bail out of that thing, or have someone bail me out.
I love you both very, very much. I just thought I’d mention that.
By the way, happy birthday Dad! I know it was last month sometime. Sorry I didn’t call you; my phone’s been on the fritz ever since I had to give it back to the phone company.
I was just reading this really interesting article about birthdays. It seems in some parts of the world, people actually give gifts on their birthdays, instead of receiving them. Isn’t it fun to learn about other cultures?
Anyway, another year older, another year closer to death, as they say. But I know that you won’t be bothered by that, especially because you’ve had such a fulfilling life, and such a close, giving relationship with your wife and children. Of course, it never hurts to play it safe! You wouldn’t want to go out feeling like you hadn’t provided for your family.
I mean, I’m just guessing. Maybe a small (or larger) token of your love for someone in need? I saw something like that on Dr. Phil before they took the TV, and it seemed to really give the guy a sense of deep meaning and peace.
“Bailout” is such a funny word, too. I think it comes from sailing, when a ship would have a slow leak and people would have to “bail out” the water to keep from drowning. I can really imagine what that was like; slowly going numb as icy waters creep up towards your mouth. I really can. And you can’t always bail yourself out; sometimes it takes the whole crew, pulling together.
I bet sometimes, when things were really looking bad on a ship, they’d use things to try and plug the hole. Like something absorbent and papery. Probably, they’d be so panicked, they’d use whatever they had in their pockets. Yep, I’ll bet they’d take wads of money even, and just use that to plug the hole. Imagine: a six hundred dollar hole.
Did I mention I don’t have a bucket? I’ve been meaning to buy one.
I think the important thing about this 700 billion dollar bailout is that it’s being given with no strings attached. It’s heartwarming, really. Even though the banks have made some mistakes in the past, the President realizes that it’s important to encourage young people in their time of need.
AIG may be in a tight spot, but they’re trying, you know? They’re probably working their butts off everyday, auditioning, writing spec scripts, jumping in front of celebrities’ cars…metaphorically.
So to have Uncle Sam help out in a time of need just means so much. How is Uncle Sammy, by the way? Please send him my love and a copy of this letter.
I should go now. T-Boz is finishing up her dinner, and I want to try and talk to her again before she leaves the restaurant. It took me so long to track her down!
Hope to see you soon. If I don’t write for a while, it’s because my address has changed. You can just write to the Homeless Shelter on Fairfax; I keep a P.O. Box there.
Oh and Mom, since you asked about it: yes, you can transfer money directly into various accounts online. If you want, I’d love to show you how.
Your beloved son,
Michael
P.S. 600 dollars.
When not writing for Cracked, Michael is doing just fine financially as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
Last 5 posts by Michael Swaim
- The 10 Most Devastating Insults of All Time - December 1st, 2008
- The Best Quotes from the New Britney Spears Documentary - November 27th, 2008
- Extinction Is Only For Ugly Animals - November 26th, 2008
- Every Episode of 'House' Ever - November 22nd, 2008
- If You Wanna Make An Omelette, You Gotta Let Some Kids Get Molested - November 13th, 2008
October 15th, 2008 at 8:51 pm
thanks! i cut’n'pasted this into my email did a little tiny bit of editing and sent it to my folks…..
no word yet as to whether it will be more profitable than standing on the side of the road with a cardboard sign that reads “hubby left me and the kids for my best friend need $$$ for a thank-you card” but i’ve got my fingers crossed
October 3rd, 2008 at 7:48 pm
I admire Jenn’s subtlety.
October 3rd, 2008 at 10:10 am
Michael, Shana, you should get a room.
then use it
and use it
Then make a video
and put it on here.
That is all
October 3rd, 2008 at 9:55 am
*Girlish giggle* Ahhaaa <333 I feel special. <333
October 2nd, 2008 at 10:49 pm
Dammit Shana, how long do we have to beat around the bush like this? Can’t you see I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU!?
October 2nd, 2008 at 5:05 pm
@ Metalbrainsurgery- Thanks for blowing my cover.
@ Michael- Just out of uh.. curiosity, would you actually make such videos?
October 2nd, 2008 at 2:58 pm
Swaim, on the traditional Comedy Grading Scale, you consistently rate between a banana cream pie and kumquat! Keep up the good work.
October 2nd, 2008 at 2:41 pm
color*
October 2nd, 2008 at 2:41 pm
racism is the belief that one race is superior to another. And the “communities of colo” was the wording in the bill, from 1977, proposed by democrats.
I’m not saying that minorities should be held back in anyway, or that the poor should be held back. What I am saying is that this economic crash is dirrectly the fault of government sticking its nose into where it didn’t belong.
October 2nd, 2008 at 12:56 pm
A quote from from your link, Venerial dude . . .
“The policy in question is the 1977 Community Reinvestment Act (CRA), which compels banks to make loans to low-income borrowers and in what the supporters of the Act call “communities of color” that they might not otherwise make based on purely economic criteria”.
Uh, does that not say “communities of color”? And knowing that there are disproportionate numbers of minorities struggling with poverty in this country, does not constitute racism.
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:52 am
they passed* damn cracked and their no edit feature.
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:47 am
Uh lawyermom? Racist? against poor people? Last time I checked poor people is not a race. So I guess when you think of poor people you think of one race in peticular. Wouldn’t that make you a bit racist?
And yes this whole thing is the governments fault, the passed legislation that demanded that banks give out high risk loans to low income families. That’s not rasist, its fact.
http://www.lewrockwell.com/dilorenzo/dilorenzo125.html
I suggest you actually fact check your shit before you start throwing out ignorant insults like racist.
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:24 am
Oh yeah, it’s all those poor people who bought million dollars houses at 1 percent interest and no down payment, then walked away from them a year later when the real rate kicked in . . . yeah, that’s it all right. And it took since 1977, too. A bit racist, that view.
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:49 am
The banks didnt really make the mistake this whole shitty situation was started in 1977 when the dems in congress passed a resolution that forced banks to make high-risk loans to lower income families… Their intentions were “good” but they created this situation… not the banks.
October 2nd, 2008 at 4:12 am
Looks like I’m not the only one living the dream right now
October 2nd, 2008 at 1:52 am
It’s like looking 5 years into my future
October 2nd, 2008 at 1:48 am
New blog layout sucks. Please change back.
October 2nd, 2008 at 12:11 am
Gee Swaim, you sure that letter isn’t too subtle??
This “Grammer” character needs to learn to deal with American English or quit the interwebs, seriously.
Oh and if you need money and have those videos on hand then I’m sure we can arrange something.
October 2nd, 2008 at 12:07 am
The no-handed pedobear strikes again! Wait, can a no-hander ask for handouts?
October 1st, 2008 at 11:48 pm
How can I get a subscription to Taint Magazine. Sounds good. Is there a website?
October 1st, 2008 at 10:51 pm
damn t-boz! its been a while girl! good to see you.
ask me http://www.howtolosegirls.com
October 1st, 2008 at 10:24 pm
too long, didn’t read
October 1st, 2008 at 10:21 pm
um ok, that didnt work. Pedobear swaim everyone:
http://i270.photobucket.com/albums/jj108/Metalbrainsurgery/pedobearswaim.jpg
October 1st, 2008 at 10:20 pm
October 1st, 2008 at 10:18 pm
Copied and Printed.
Its in the mail, Mom!
October 1st, 2008 at 10:08 pm
Swaim are you hitting up an underage girl?
Pedobear swaim photos soon to follow.
October 1st, 2008 at 8:50 pm
I just don’t how to respond to that.
October 1st, 2008 at 8:37 pm
Referencing John, always referencing.
Shana: There’s only one way to find out…WINK.
October 1st, 2008 at 8:29 pm
This reminds me of the letters I would have sent to my mom during college, except that I couldn’t afford stationary.
Funny stuff, Swaim!
P.S. Kidneys sell very well on the black market. No one says that they have to be yours.
October 1st, 2008 at 8:07 pm
wow swanky new layout. nice article too. do ‘columnists’ get paid better than ‘bloggers’?
October 1st, 2008 at 7:33 pm
And what if I were to hold you to that Michael?
October 1st, 2008 at 6:20 pm
Taint Magazine, referencing Mr. Show or stealing from it?
October 1st, 2008 at 5:58 pm
Grammer: Don’t call yourself “Grammer” and correct someone’s spelling. It’s GRAMMAR damn you!
October 1st, 2008 at 5:56 pm
What you don’t realize is that I shout every word into a dict-a-phone. I have no hands.
And Shana: videos forthcoming. Thanks for sticking with it. If you want, i can send you some private vids of me winking into my webcam. I’m totally cool with that.
October 1st, 2008 at 5:30 pm
RE Your banner “Slander Without Any Inherent Meaning”
It’s not slander because it’s written down. I think you mean Libel, in which case you’d be LWAIM.
October 1st, 2008 at 5:24 pm
That was a good/depressing article. You look cute in that picture. When are you going to start posting videos again?
October 1st, 2008 at 5:04 pm
CHEQUE DAMN YOU!
October 1st, 2008 at 4:10 pm
*MY* mom wouldn’t take the hint if I sent her that letter. How pathetic is that?
October 1st, 2008 at 3:53 pm
I suppose you’re right actually. I mean, it’s nice for people outside Britain to learn they’re most German.
October 1st, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Ewww… Ramen is fine w/o cheese… that sounds disgusting…. Good Article
October 1st, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Panzer: Because the entire succession of the British throne is interesting.
October 1st, 2008 at 2:47 pm
instead of kraft macaroni just put some cheese in your ramen… it works good for me!
October 1st, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Why was Gladstone’s comment deleted and the entire succession of the British throne wasn’t?
October 1st, 2008 at 2:17 pm
395. Baron Tassilo von Twickel - he aint got a shitshow.
But seriously, why the hell did someone feel the need to copy+paste the line of sucession to the British Throne into an article about….well, whatever the article was about. The sheer randomness of that amused me tho.
October 1st, 2008 at 2:13 pm
holy shit, epic spam
October 1st, 2008 at 2:05 pm
Was Gladstone’s original comment deleted for any reason (for example, the fact that it was extraordinarily disturbing)? Because if it was, then his second comment should go, too.
Just saying.
October 1st, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Isn’t Taint Magazine from a Mr. Show sketch?
October 1st, 2008 at 1:51 pm
If he were to eat nothing but Ramen Noodles he will turn beige… like an asian, I say he eats hobos… they are free.. and much more nurishing! Plus there are lots of them in hollywood.
October 1st, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Truly funny article. But the reply from Mike’s Mom was the icing on top.
October 1st, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Why are you wasting your money on macaroni and cheese (Kraft, no less!)when ramen noodles are 5 for a dollar?
October 1st, 2008 at 12:53 pm
A chuckle in my pocket. Brilliant.
October 1st, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Dear mom and dad,
I want my money back, you assholes. You’re too old to be borrowing money from me now.
You’ve got 5 days, after that, I start taking a finger for every day I don’t get that money.
October 1st, 2008 at 12:02 pm
I won’t be fooled again, fake Gladstone!
greengoddess–I am in my 20’s right now, and that’s close to how I live…I haven’t had anything repossessed mainly because you have to pay for everything in full at garage sales or when you take it from your grandmother’s basement.
Well I’m off to look for a new job since the one I have now pays about a third of my monthly expenses and I’ve been there for almost 4 months now.
Swaim, nice article..even if it hits a little close to home.
October 1st, 2008 at 12:01 pm
Swaim, I think it’s great you’re finding such a fulfilling way to live without money… it’s kinda like a Zen thing, isn’t it? It’s for the best that you have left all the trouble money can cause you behind, and can now revel in your newly found spiritual bliss.
Now, please accept my best regards while I sweeten my Kopi Luwak with the powdered bones of children.
October 1st, 2008 at 12:00 pm
I’m glad to hear you read me in bed, Gamble!
October 1st, 2008 at 11:07 am
The macaroni part had me laughing on my bed.
October 1st, 2008 at 10:31 am
[...] out this hilarious piece by writer Michael Swaim, an open letter to his parents, titled “How to Use the Bailout to Ask [...]
October 1st, 2008 at 10:18 am
shit is gaayyyyyy
October 1st, 2008 at 9:20 am
LOL, I’d tell em to look for a new job or take on a part time job!
Jiff
http://www.privacy-center.ru.tc
October 1st, 2008 at 9:14 am
Dear Mom and Dad,
Thank you for the twenty dollars you sent me. It was not $600 like I asked for, but hey, a gift is a gift, right? Of course now I am far short of the money I need to stay off of the street and out of…movies…but do not let that worry you!
Your son,
M to the S
p.s: Please send money for vaccinations!
October 1st, 2008 at 9:07 am
I’m not entirely sure what Gladstone’s comment is implying, but it made me feel distinctly uncomfortable and more than a little creeped out.
October 1st, 2008 at 9:01 am
I am so proud of you, son! Writing for Taint? Sounds like your good old-fashioned values held up, you know, like Quaint? All that money we spent sending you through college, law school and then back to college to study film . . . we are feeding the baby Tang and crackers, and we tell him it’s worth it to see you shine. I don’t really understand the bailout. You’re so smart to understand it! We hear a little about it on our portable radio sometimes. We’re living in the car now, but it’s okay, it’s a comfy car. They talk about “Wall Street” and “Main Street.” What do they mean? When we had a home, we lived on Second Avenue. And all that talk about “pork barrels” is making me hungry. Come see us soon, son. We’re right over there on 12th now, behind the 7-11 dumpsters. You could bring us some of that macaroni. That sounds good.
October 1st, 2008 at 8:53 am
My god Swaim. I am so nostalgic right now. This is how I lived in my 20s.
Good times. Good times…
October 1st, 2008 at 8:47 am
Swaim, perhaps you consider that maybe its time for you to change you lifetyle? I’m sure all the drugs and swinging parties are glamourous and everything, but that shit costs money man. Just think, with all the money you would save you could buy yourself a hot wife from eastern europe. And then put her to work (not like that, jeez).
Or you could just whore yourself out to really fat chicks for $1000 each.