Cracked Columnists

The 19 Most Ridiculous Moments From the VP Debate

Editor's Note: The VP debate didnt really go as anyone planned. Sarah Palin didnt fall flat on her face, and Joe Biden didnt appear to open his eyes over the course of the entire evening. Last night didnt go as planned for our columnists either. They still got blind drunk, as is their custom on days of the week after Monday. But we made them get drunk at home, and in front of the most hotly anticipated Vice Presidential debate in history. The full results can be found here, but we've plucked some of their most insightful comments on some of the moments everyones talking about today, as well as some sexually charged moments you might have missed. On Sarah Palin's Opening Remarks on Their Plan to Fix the Economy

  • 8:10 PMDan O'Brien - "Stop corruption on Wall Street." That's it?
  • 8:10 PMRoss Wolinsky - You know what? I want to meet this Joe Sixpack character.
  • 8:10 PMMichael Swaim - He's hanging out at my place. He's now Joe Fourpack.
  • 8:10 PMDan O'Brien - "If I'm Vice President, I'm gonna stop corruption...Just seems like a no-brainer."
  • 8:10 PMMichael Swaim - And he's pissed about the subprime mortgage crisis, I can telly ou that.
  • 8:10 PMDan O'Brien - "And you know what? No more poor people. Am I missing something? No more poor people or crime."
  • First Impressions of Biden

    • 8:07 PMRoss Wolinsky - What's wrong with his eyes? They look like coin slots.
    • 8:11 PMDan O'Brien - I agree with Ross, I want to store my coins in Joe Biden's eyes.
    • 8:11 PMRoss Wolinsky - In these days of economic crisis, please, America: STORE YOUR MONEY IN JOE BIDEN'S TINY COIN SLOT EYES.
    • 8:12 PMMichael Swaim - I think you're underestimating how unsavory the retrieval process would be.
    • 8:16 PMDan O'Brien - You know, this whole election has been about Barack, McCain, and Sarah. I don't think anyone realizes that Biden has been sneaking around. Do you guys know anything about Biden? He is FUCKING INSANE.
    • 8:17 PMDan O'Brien - If he proposed some kind of weather-controlling device tonight, I don't think I'd be surprised.
    • Biden Could Write For Cracked

    • 9:01 PMRoss Wolinsky -Did Biden just say Dick Lugar? That is the baddest assest name ever.
    • 9:01 PMMichael Swaim - It's also a pretty decent birth control device.
    • 9:02 PMDan O'Brien - There's a guy named Dick Lugar?
    • 9:02 PMDan O'Brien - I want to vote for that guy
    • 9:03 PMMichael Swaim - Cock Tommy Gun?
    • 9:03 PMMichael Swaim - Penis Kalazhnikov?
    • 9:04 PMDan O'Brien - You know, it seems like you guys have this covered, Im just gonna go ahead and watch Hangin with Mr Cooper on ION
    • On Biden's Appearance

    • 9:02 PMDan O'Brien - Did they not comb Biden's hair?
    • 9:02 PMDan O'Brien - They knew this was being filmed, right?
    • 9:02 PMRoss Wolinsky - His hairs are mavericks.
    • 9:02 PMRoss Wolinsky - They don't fall in line.
    • Why We're Glad Sarah Palin Isn't a Cracked Intern Part I

    • 8:12 PMDan O'Brien - Okay, I've started a new drinking game.
    • 8:12 PMDan O'Brien - Take a sip whenever I want to have sex with Sarah Palin.
    • 8:13 PMRoss Wolinsky - Everytime Dan O'Brien wants to have sex with Sarah Palin, Joe Biden smiles.
    • 8:13 PMDan O'Brien - "Bolster" *sip* "Heat up" *sip*
    • 8:13 PMMichael Swaim - See, your demeaning sexism is the problem with this country.
    • Palin Reveals Shocking New Information About Herself

    • 8:23 PMDan O'Brien - She's from Alaska?
    • 8:23 PMDan O'Brien - This is the first I've heard of it.
    • 8:23 PMMichael Swaim - Joe Sixpack lives on Main Street eating Apple Pie and abusing his 2.4 children.
    • 8:23 PMDan O'Brien - Say, does she like hockey?
    • 8:23 PMMichael Swaim - I thought she was from SNL.
    • 8:24 PMDan O'Brien - If I take a shot whenever she says "Alaska" on top of the drinking I do whenever I want to have sex with her, that's bad news.
    • 8:25 PMDan O'Brien - Hey if I suddenly stop commenting, somebody call 911. Just say "DOB." They know where I live, and that I'm unconscious due to alcohol poisoning.
    • On Palin's Plans for the War in Iraq

    • 8:40 PMDan O'Brien - "We've got to win"? THAT is your exit strategy?
    • 8:41 PMDan O'Brien - "Not lose"?
    • 8:41 PMDan O'Brien - Holy shit, give her the army already.
    • 8:41 PMDan O'Brien - It's fresh ideas like this that we've been missing.
    • 8:41 PMDan O'Brien - Congress it's all "Lose lose lose."
    • 8:41 PMDan O'Brien - Finally, someone has the balls to say "Let's win." And she also has a vagina.
    • 8:41 PMMichael Swaim - McCain's got the 10,000 year plan, which I think shows some ballsy foresight.
    • 8:41 PMRoss Wolinsky - It's easier to have a 10,000 year plan when you're 72 years old.
    • 8:42 PMDan O'Brien - If I paid taxes, I'd be fucking outraged.
    • Sarah Palin's Idea of the Obama Foreign Policy

    • 8:48 PMDan O'Brien - See, I don't trust Sarah Palin. She's implying that Obama wants to meet with terrorists and just, like, hang out with them. There's no way that's true.
    • 8:49 PMRoss Wolinsky - I actually WANT a president who can just hang with terrorists.
    • 8:49 PMDan O'Brien - "Hey, come to the White House, terrorist. Let's just relax and watch 'Raymond.'"
    • 8:49 PMRoss Wolinsky - Just go over there and be like "Hey I know we're all just throwing dice and talking about jihad or whatever, but hey - can you guys stop hating our freedom?"
    • 8:50PMDan O'Brien - Mr. Cooper, what are you doing complaining about crayons? Youre crazy!
    • On Biden's New Catchphrase

    • 8:28 PMRoss Wolinsky - "Get on the stick?"
    • 8:28 PMMichael Swaim - See, THAT'S what I'm talking about
    • 8:28 PMRoss Wolinsky - Did he just say "Get on the stick"?
    • 8:28 PMMichael Swaim - He did. And he winked at Sarah Palin right at that instant.
    • 8:28 PMMichael Swaim - It was subtle.
    • 8:29 PMRoss Wolinsky - He's good.
    • 8:29 PMMichael Swaim - His eyes are already so squinty, it might have been my imagination.
    • 8:29 PMMichael Swaim - If they get caught fucking backstage after the debates, then you'll know I was right.
    • 8:30 PMDan O'Brien - Oh shit, Mr. Cooper just killed one of the insurgents.
    • Why We're Glad Sarah Palin Isn't a Cracked Intern Part II

    • 8:52 PMDan O'Brien -Dude, if she loses this election, her family is gonna fall apart because no one's paying them to pretend they love each other, and I'm totally gonna take her to Olive Garden.
    • 8:52 PMDan O'Brien -"Endless pasta, baby."
    • 8:52 PMMichael Swaim -O'Brien's always ready to swoop in with breadsticks and win the lady's heart.
    • 8:52 PMDan O'Brien -What's the difference between a pitbull and a hockey mom?
    • 8:53 PMDan O'Brien -I don't want to have sex with a pitbull in the parking lot behind a Dennys.
    • On The Moderator's Choice of Attire

    • 8:56 PMMichael Swaim -A bright blue zebra had to die so that moderator could look so bombin'.
    • On Palin's Bush-like Mastery Over the English Language

    • 8:56 PMDan O'Brien -Nucular? The moderator just said "Nuclear." You just heard how it's supposed to go.
    • 8:57 PMDan O'Brien -Two crazy dictators' names butchered.
    • 8:57 PMMichael Swaim -Hey, you think Joe Sixpack can pronounce the names of foreign dictators? Hell no.
    • 8:58 PMMichael Swaim -He's too busy playing "America the Beautiful" on a fife.
    • 8:58 PMRoss Wolinsky -Joe Sixpack is mowin' the lawn right now.
    • 8:58 PMMichael Swaim -on a hot summer's day, while his wife makes some chilled lemonade, somewhere in anytown, USA.
    • 8:59 PMMichael Swaim -Now the people from the bank are coming to tell him his house has been foreclosed on.
    • 8:59 PMMichael Swaim -Now he's slipping the shotgun barrels into his mouth, and weeping a single tear
    • 8:59 PMDan O'Brien -Doesn't Sarah think it's weird that everyone else is saying "Nuclear"?
    • Flashbacks to 2004

    • 9:03 PMMichael Swaim -Thats right. He changed his opinion. FUCK HIM.
    • 9:04 PMDan OBrien -Joe Sixpack feels the same about all issues as he did when he was eight and first formed opinions.
    • 9:04 PMMichael Swaim -I can never get over waffling being such a terrible thing. Is it better to stay the course ALWAYS ALL THE TIME NO MATTER WHAT?
    • 9:04 PMRoss Wolinsky -I hate people who assess situations and change their minds based on new data.
    • 9:04 PMDan OBrien -I love waffles.
    • Palin's Matter of Fact Claim that John McCain Knows How to Win Wars

    • 9:06 PMDan OBrien -John McCain knows how to win a war?
    • 9:07 PMDan OBrien -What war did McCain win?
    • 9:07 PMMichael Swaim -The Franco-Prussion war.
    • Dan Realizes Something Shocking

    • 9:17 PMDan OBrien -Shes running for Vice President?
    • 9:17 PMDan OBrien -WHOA
    • 9:17 PMMichael Swaim -No, shes running for President, but she has to wait eight months if she wins.
    • Biden Describes His Flaw and Has an Emotional Moment

    • 9:20 PMMichael Swaim -My flaw is that sometimes I love TOO much.
    • 9:20 PMMichael Swaim -like, you know, rape.
    • 9:20 PMDan OBrien -My flaw has been considered to be too much by most women.
    • 9:21 PMDan OBrien -Theyre like Oh my GOD, that flaw is terrifying.
    • 9:20 PMRoss Wolinsky -I love too quickly. That could be a flaw.
    • 9:20 PMRoss Wolinsky -Unless you have somewhere you need to go.
    • Sarah Palin's Kid's Names

    • 9:23 PMRoss Wolinsky -Whos Moose? Is that one of her kids?
    • 9:23 PMDan OBrien -No, her kids are Bagel, Trat and Sauron.
    • 9:23 PMMichael Swaim -I thought it was Odin, Brussels and Camembert.
    • 9:24 PMDan OBrien -Pooter, Stank and Obermeyer.
    • 9:24 PMMichael Swaim -Conklin, Calculon, and Wankle
    • 9:25 PMRoss Wolinsky -Is it too late for me to say Bunting, Cattleprod and Slaw?
    • 9:25 PMMichael Swaim -Only if I can mention Whipple, Shank, and Samsung.
    • 9:26 PMMichael Swaim -Crankshaft, Spaulding and Gex.
    • 9:27 PMDan OBrien -Dripspat, Dooper and Strunt.
    • 9:27 PMRoss Wolinsky -Bunker, Tallywacker and Tubes.
    • Why We're Glad Sarah Palin Isn't a Cracked Intern Part III

    • 8:58 PMDan O'Brien -Sarah, I've seen pictures of your snowmobile stupid husband. He doesn't look like he can massage your feet worth a damn. I can. I'm that guy. I have OILS, Sarah Palin, DESIGNED to make you orgasm through your feet.
    • 8:59 PMDan O'Brien -You'll be cleaning out lady goo from between your toes for WEEKS.
    • The Most Important Question of the Evening

    • 8:35 PMDan O'Brien -Are there any commercials in this fucking thing or what?
    • Find the full live blog here. Also, we'll be doing more events even liver and drunker than this. Click here to to find out about any events we're planning in the future.

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