The 19 Most Ridiculous Moments From the VP Debate
Editor's Note: The VP debate didnt really go as anyone planned. Sarah Palin didnt fall flat on her face, and Joe Biden didnt appear to open his eyes over the course of the entire evening. Last night didnt go as planned for our columnists either. They still got blind drunk, as is their custom on days of the week after Monday. But we made them get drunk at home, and in front of the most hotly anticipated Vice Presidential debate in history. The full results can be found here, but we've plucked some of their most insightful comments on some of the moments everyones talking about today, as well as some sexually charged moments you might have missed. On Sarah Palin's Opening Remarks on Their Plan to Fix the Economy
- 8:07 PMRoss Wolinsky - What's wrong with his eyes? They look like coin slots.
- 8:11 PMDan O'Brien - I agree with Ross, I want to store my coins in Joe Biden's eyes.
- 8:11 PMRoss Wolinsky - In these days of economic crisis, please, America: STORE YOUR MONEY IN JOE BIDEN'S TINY COIN SLOT EYES.
- 8:12 PMMichael Swaim - I think you're underestimating how unsavory the retrieval process would be.
- 8:16 PMDan O'Brien - You know, this whole election has been about Barack, McCain, and Sarah. I don't think anyone realizes that Biden has been sneaking around. Do you guys know anything about Biden? He is FUCKING INSANE.
- 8:17 PMDan O'Brien - If he proposed some kind of weather-controlling device tonight, I don't think I'd be surprised. Biden Could Write For Cracked
- 9:01 PMRoss Wolinsky -Did Biden just say Dick Lugar? That is the baddest assest name ever.
- 9:01 PMMichael Swaim - It's also a pretty decent birth control device.
- 9:02 PMDan O'Brien - There's a guy named Dick Lugar?
- 9:02 PMDan O'Brien - I want to vote for that guy
- 9:03 PMMichael Swaim - Cock Tommy Gun?
- 9:03 PMMichael Swaim - Penis Kalazhnikov?
- 9:04 PMDan O'Brien - You know, it seems like you guys have this covered, Im just gonna go ahead and watch Hangin with Mr Cooper on ION On Biden's Appearance
- 9:02 PMDan O'Brien - Did they not comb Biden's hair?
- 9:02 PMDan O'Brien - They knew this was being filmed, right?
- 9:02 PMRoss Wolinsky - His hairs are mavericks.
- 9:02 PMRoss Wolinsky - They don't fall in line. Why We're Glad Sarah Palin Isn't a Cracked Intern Part I
- 8:12 PMDan O'Brien - Okay, I've started a new drinking game.
- 8:12 PMDan O'Brien - Take a sip whenever I want to have sex with Sarah Palin.
- 8:13 PMRoss Wolinsky - Everytime Dan O'Brien wants to have sex with Sarah Palin, Joe Biden smiles.
- 8:13 PMDan O'Brien - "Bolster" *sip* "Heat up" *sip*
- 8:13 PMMichael Swaim - See, your demeaning sexism is the problem with this country. Palin Reveals Shocking New Information About Herself
- 8:23 PMDan O'Brien - She's from Alaska?
- 8:23 PMDan O'Brien - This is the first I've heard of it.
- 8:23 PMMichael Swaim - Joe Sixpack lives on Main Street eating Apple Pie and abusing his 2.4 children.
- 8:23 PMDan O'Brien - Say, does she like hockey?
- 8:23 PMMichael Swaim - I thought she was from SNL.
- 8:24 PMDan O'Brien - If I take a shot whenever she says "Alaska" on top of the drinking I do whenever I want to have sex with her, that's bad news.
- 8:25 PMDan O'Brien - Hey if I suddenly stop commenting, somebody call 911. Just say "DOB." They know where I live, and that I'm unconscious due to alcohol poisoning. On Palin's Plans for the War in Iraq
- 8:40 PMDan O'Brien - "We've got to win"? THAT is your exit strategy?
- 8:41 PMDan O'Brien - "Not lose"?
- 8:41 PMDan O'Brien - Holy shit, give her the army already.
- 8:41 PMDan O'Brien - It's fresh ideas like this that we've been missing.
- 8:41 PMDan O'Brien - Congress it's all "Lose lose lose."
- 8:41 PMDan O'Brien - Finally, someone has the balls to say "Let's win." And she also has a vagina.
- 8:41 PMMichael Swaim - McCain's got the 10,000 year plan, which I think shows some ballsy foresight.
- 8:41 PMRoss Wolinsky - It's easier to have a 10,000 year plan when you're 72 years old.
- 8:42 PMDan O'Brien - WE'RE SPENDING 10 BILLION DOLLARS A MONTH???
- 8:42 PMDan O'Brien - If I paid taxes, I'd be fucking outraged. Sarah Palin's Idea of the Obama Foreign Policy
- 8:48 PMDan O'Brien - See, I don't trust Sarah Palin. She's implying that Obama wants to meet with terrorists and just, like, hang out with them. There's no way that's true.
- 8:49 PMRoss Wolinsky - I actually WANT a president who can just hang with terrorists.
- 8:49 PMDan O'Brien - "Hey, come to the White House, terrorist. Let's just relax and watch 'Raymond.'"
- 8:49 PMRoss Wolinsky - Just go over there and be like "Hey I know we're all just throwing dice and talking about jihad or whatever, but hey - can you guys stop hating our freedom?"
- 8:50PMDan O'Brien - Mr. Cooper, what are you doing complaining about crayons? Youre crazy! On Biden's New Catchphrase
- 8:28 PMRoss Wolinsky - "Get on the stick?"
- 8:28 PMMichael Swaim - See, THAT'S what I'm talking about
- 8:28 PMRoss Wolinsky - Did he just say "Get on the stick"?
- 8:28 PMMichael Swaim - He did. And he winked at Sarah Palin right at that instant.
- 8:28 PMMichael Swaim - It was subtle.
- 8:29 PMRoss Wolinsky - He's good.
- 8:29 PMMichael Swaim - His eyes are already so squinty, it might have been my imagination.
- 8:29 PMMichael Swaim - If they get caught fucking backstage after the debates, then you'll know I was right.
- 8:30 PMDan O'Brien - Oh shit, Mr. Cooper just killed one of the insurgents. Why We're Glad Sarah Palin Isn't a Cracked Intern Part II
- 8:52 PMDan O'Brien -Dude, if she loses this election, her family is gonna fall apart because no one's paying them to pretend they love each other, and I'm totally gonna take her to Olive Garden.
- 8:52 PMDan O'Brien -"Endless pasta, baby."
- 8:52 PMMichael Swaim -O'Brien's always ready to swoop in with breadsticks and win the lady's heart.
- 8:52 PMDan O'Brien -What's the difference between a pitbull and a hockey mom?
- 8:53 PMDan O'Brien -I don't want to have sex with a pitbull in the parking lot behind a Dennys. On The Moderator's Choice of Attire
- 8:56 PMMichael Swaim -A bright blue zebra had to die so that moderator could look so bombin'. On Palin's Bush-like Mastery Over the English Language
- 8:56 PMDan O'Brien -Nucular? The moderator just said "Nuclear." You just heard how it's supposed to go.
- 8:57 PMDan O'Brien -Two crazy dictators' names butchered.
- 8:57 PMMichael Swaim -Hey, you think Joe Sixpack can pronounce the names of foreign dictators? Hell no.
- 8:58 PMMichael Swaim -He's too busy playing "America the Beautiful" on a fife.
- 8:58 PMRoss Wolinsky -Joe Sixpack is mowin' the lawn right now.
- 8:58 PMMichael Swaim -on a hot summer's day, while his wife makes some chilled lemonade, somewhere in anytown, USA.
- 8:59 PMMichael Swaim -Now the people from the bank are coming to tell him his house has been foreclosed on.
- 8:59 PMMichael Swaim -Now he's slipping the shotgun barrels into his mouth, and weeping a single tear
- 8:59 PMDan O'Brien -Doesn't Sarah think it's weird that everyone else is saying "Nuclear"? Flashbacks to 2004
- 9:03 PMMichael Swaim -Thats right. He changed his opinion. FUCK HIM.
- 9:04 PMDan OBrien -Joe Sixpack feels the same about all issues as he did when he was eight and first formed opinions.
- 9:04 PMMichael Swaim -I can never get over waffling being such a terrible thing. Is it better to stay the course ALWAYS ALL THE TIME NO MATTER WHAT?
- 9:04 PMRoss Wolinsky -I hate people who assess situations and change their minds based on new data.
- 9:04 PMDan OBrien -I love waffles. Palin's Matter of Fact Claim that John McCain Knows How to Win Wars
- 9:06 PMDan OBrien -John McCain knows how to win a war?
- 9:07 PMDan OBrien -What war did McCain win?
- 9:07 PMMichael Swaim -The Franco-Prussion war. Dan Realizes Something Shocking
- 9:17 PMDan OBrien -Shes running for Vice President?
- 9:17 PMDan OBrien -WHOA
- 9:17 PMMichael Swaim -No, shes running for President, but she has to wait eight months if she wins. Biden Describes His Flaw and Has an Emotional Moment
- 9:20 PMMichael Swaim -My flaw is that sometimes I love TOO much.
- 9:20 PMMichael Swaim -like, you know, rape.
- 9:20 PMDan OBrien -My flaw has been considered to be too much by most women.
- 9:21 PMDan OBrien -Theyre like Oh my GOD, that flaw is terrifying.
- 9:20 PMRoss Wolinsky -I love too quickly. That could be a flaw.
- 9:20 PMRoss Wolinsky -Unless you have somewhere you need to go. Sarah Palin's Kid's Names
- 9:23 PMRoss Wolinsky -Whos Moose? Is that one of her kids?
- 9:23 PMDan OBrien -No, her kids are Bagel, Trat and Sauron.
- 9:23 PMMichael Swaim -I thought it was Odin, Brussels and Camembert.
- 9:24 PMDan OBrien -Pooter, Stank and Obermeyer.
- 9:24 PMMichael Swaim -Conklin, Calculon, and Wankle
- 9:25 PMRoss Wolinsky -Is it too late for me to say Bunting, Cattleprod and Slaw?
- 9:25 PMMichael Swaim -Only if I can mention Whipple, Shank, and Samsung.
- 9:26 PMMichael Swaim -Crankshaft, Spaulding and Gex.
- 9:27 PMDan OBrien -Dripspat, Dooper and Strunt.
- 9:27 PMRoss Wolinsky -Bunker, Tallywacker and Tubes. Why We're Glad Sarah Palin Isn't a Cracked Intern Part III
- 8:58 PMDan O'Brien -Sarah, I've seen pictures of your snowmobile stupid husband. He doesn't look like he can massage your feet worth a damn. I can. I'm that guy. I have OILS, Sarah Palin, DESIGNED to make you orgasm through your feet.
- 8:59 PMDan O'Brien -You'll be cleaning out lady goo from between your toes for WEEKS. The Most Important Question of the Evening
- 8:35 PMDan O'Brien -Are there any commercials in this fucking thing or what? Find the full live blog here. Also, we'll be doing more events even liver and drunker than this. Click here to to find out about any events we're planning in the future.
What's funny is McCain/Palin lost but people kept paying the Palins to pretend they liked each other.
ReplyDamn you, the kids names made me spill my my beer.
ReplyAdding Wombat, Uterus and Hobo-Supreme.
swaim/o'brien 2012
ReplyHello
ReplyVery Nice blog with good ideas !
Very instructive...
Thanks
John
Oh mickymick, mickymick, mickymick... (what a fucken mouthful)
Reply(No 1. Get a real name)
I am an Australian. And I know a hell of a lot of Canadians. Great people, every single one. Not to generalise though, like some talentless, comedic drop-kick, turned tube-steak conniosseurs tend to fall into a habit of doing. (No 2. Using a nation or two and your own contempt of those nations is not funny in any way, shape or form, on any level, anytime, ever.) I'm amazed that you can form a proper sentence. Seems someone's paying for some sort of monkey training facility. And Obama 'bum-rushing' Canada for oil? He's a pretty weedy dude, I mean, I wouldn't shove him into the lockers at Fuckwit High for fear of breaking his arm, busting an eye socket, and putting a nice graze across his neck, and even I'M a pretty weedy dude. Which brings me to my last point: No 3. Jokes aimed at revving people up to laugh at are nothing but arrogant. They're the kind of jokes that make you end up with a face looking like a tomato, after it's gone through a blender with the blades changed for rusty barbed wire. Seen it too many times mate. But by all means keep going if you want, but you'll learn one day. Have a nice day ;)
I would suggest the names Wongo, Derbit and Schlumps. And they are all girls names.
ReplyThe part about Palin's kid's names had me laughing maniacally.
ReplyLoved this one. As sad as it is to say, this website is like a funnier, better, and cooler VH1. All of the lists, none of the bullshit.
I mean that in the best possible way. As far as "best" goes with "possible" when concerning VH1.
[...] Annars har jag i veckan skrattat åt saker på den här sidan, exempelvis det här. [...]
ReplyDOB, MARRY ME ?!
Reply[...] has been building towards this event. The final Cracked Presidential Debate Liveblog. We did the Vice Presidential Debate. We did one Presidential [...]
ReplyMeh, this is better than the commentary on the forums.
ReplyDavid Wong:
They've got the format set up so Palin will have to do as little ad-libbing as possible, so don't expect to get a lot of the "cringe" moments you've seen in the last couple of interviews where reporters really went after her until she got flustered.
I wish I could bold the last part. Apparently "What do you think about the Bush Doctrine" counts as a gotcha question for a Republican VP candidate.
LMFAO OMG,
Replyguys that was hilarious,
especially the naming kids part.. o god..
[...] Last week, Ross, Swaim and I brought you live, uncensored, in-your-face and up-your-ass coverage of the Vice Presidential debates, and you loved it. Tonight, Presidential hopefuls Barack Obama and John McCain will be going at it in a series of violent and bloody debates and we’re back, joined this time around by champion-of-hate Gladstone, to give you up-to-the-second reporting that the other major media outlets are too afraid and far too sober to give you. Bookmark this page, add it to you calendar, do whatever you have to. Just make sure you’re here at 9pm EST to witness something so fucking live you’ll feel dead by comparison, and so fucking political you just might shit an amendment. [...]
ReplyJon Stewart said it best. Sarah Palin is "the She-Bush".
ReplyI mean, she's not even from one of the continental 48. She's not a real person. And to all 200 Hockey Moms out there, she stands up for you.
When she's saying "Joe Sixpack", do you think she's referring to a six-pack of beer, or the muscle one? I would guess the beer, since most americans are fat shisnos.
Dudes, very funny! You should do this again next debate.
ReplyThis is funnier than snot. It's gold, Dan. Gold!
ReplyThat last shot is just creepy...it looks like they're planning to bang each other backstage later.
ReplyMickymick, are you actually just pretending to be Irish?
ReplyYou sound like one of those guys named Dwayne or Doug who have 1/4 Irish in them and play it up on St. Patrick's Day. They sit in the corner of a dive bar in a giant green velvet top hat and one of those oversized novelty buttons that says 'Kiss Me I'm Irish.'
The Palin kids' names were the best part...after the Mardi Gras Sarah picture.
ReplyWOW i love that whole the names of shara palins kids thing
Replyconklin , calculon and wankle lmao