Some of you may not know this, but our "Photo Research Department" is a fairly complex organization. (We do Google image searches and generally use the first picture we find.) For the first time, one of the pictures we'd randomly stolen from Google involved someone who actually reads Cracked, which came as quite a shock, (we didn't know anyone read Cracked). We received this message:
"In your article, Tech Zombies: 6 Technologies That Don't Know They're Dead, you use a cropped picture of three guys in spandex suits with ridiculous crotches. Well ... that's my band. I'm a regular reader (and obsessive digger) so I am totally glad to see a portion of a picture of us crop up on the site."
We were thrilled to give these fellas some more, albeit, strange publicity, especially when we heard that they were a "psychedelic space rock opera from the future." If there was ever a genre of music that so embodied the Cracked spirit, it's the hitherto untapped "psychedelic space rock opera from the future" genre. They also sent us over a link to their band, The Frontier Brothers and we're including it as a way of saying "Thanks for not suing us for stealing a picture of your crotches." (Do yourself a favor and check out "Jump Blues.")
CHECK BEFORE YOU WRECK, TECH!
Tech Zombies: 6 Technologies That Don't Know They're Death
Sorry MP3 players, but you're like that totally clueless and inappropriate great grandparent that makes the family uncomfortable. You don't belong here anymore, and it's time to get rid of you.
Notable Comment: Dylancholy says "I disagree only with the magazine one. it goes hand in hand with why ebooks don't sell as well as the hard copies because a book is something you need to look at and on the internet it's just TEXT." A book is something you see, but an article on the internet is ... something you feel? We're not totally sure what you're trying to say here, Choly but, on the bright side, we don't really care.
5 Tiny Mistakes That Lead to Catastrophe
This isn't the kind of mistake that forces you to pay child support for 18 years, this is the kind of mistake that temporarily blinds and cripples New York. Now that other kind of mistake isn't sounding so bad, is it?
Notable Comment: Don't bother, it's a pointless debate about the metric vs imperial system. People presumably read the article and had opinions about it, but that's pure speculation on our part.
The 6 Worst Comic Book Super-Husbands
You'd probably beat your wife if your name was Yellowjacket, too.
Notable Comment: AnderX says "I like this version of Mr Fantastic. The movies would have been oscar worthy if there were several scenes of him smacking around Jessica Alba every time she made one of those smart ass remarks." Why stop there? Why not slap Jessica Alba whenever she was wearing clothes? Not just in Fantastic Four, but in every movie. You just don't want to encourage that dangerous, clothes-wearing back-talking kind of behavior.
The 8 Most Bizarre Patron Saints
Is there a patron Saint of Cracked? We think there should be a patron saint of Cracked. Who do we talk to about this?
Notable Comment: Wild_Marker says "That's it, I declare myself the patron Saint of commenting on Cracked. I called it First!" Terrific. What's the opposite of praying to a saint? Like, if you happen to hate everything your saint represents, do you try to put a curse on that saint? Because that's totally what we want to do with our "first"-posting, tallmingle-loving, article-focus-derailing patron saint of comments.
6 Terrifying Things They Don't Tell You About Childbirth
And you thought the actual baby was the worst part of having a baby. You wish, buddy.
Notable Comment: steveysteve says "When my baby girl came out she had a triangle shaped head and she was a bright, angry purple colour. This would have been fine, but I'd been playing SplatterHouse the night before, so I damn near smacked her with a two-by-four." No commentary for that, it just made us chuckle. (We love Splatterhouse.)
YOU YOU YOU!
If Websites Came With Warning Labels
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? Check out this week's contest about: James Bond Devices for the Discreet Drug User.
I may not know art, but I know what I like...
...and I like goose sex.
Before the internet sometimes you had to roam the world to find a statue of your particular fetish.
by Big Bad John
"Alert Lord McVader that I've found that Protestant whore Leia!"
I find your lack of faith and begorrah disturbing.
"Did you hear that?"
"Oh, it must've just been the wind"
"Dude, look down!"
"CURSE YOU, PANTS NINJA!!!!!!!!"
This is why you can't see behind the sushi bar.
Take me to your landlord.
"Could we borrow a cup of crystalline solid disacchiride?"
.....and that is where Oscars come from.
Mic Jagger has been reincarnated as a car, doomed to chase a rolling stone forever!
While Eduardo looked for the contact lens,
Maria and Juan prayed he'd find it.
Jose' decided to look from a higher point.
And Philipe,... well he's just a show-off.
Are you making the field sobriety test harder because we're Mexicans?
Instagram influencers are often absurd.
A good horror story is hard to pull off.
All commercials are a least a little weird.
These actions stars were so bad at being badass, they were just ass.