6 Terrifying Things They Don't Tell You About Childbirth
You know what's scarier than death? Birth.
For those of you about to have your first child, or who are considering it, you should know that there are some things about childbirth they're not telling you. Disgusting, horrifying things.
Our goal here isn't to talk you out of having kids (it'd suck to be the website that convinced mankind to go extinct). We just want you to be prepared so you don't run screaming from the hospital.
#6.
The Placenta
Webster's defines the placenta as: "the organ in most mammals, formed in the lining of the uterus by the union of the uterine mucous membrane with the membranes of the fetus, that provides for the nourishment of the fetus and the elimination of its waste products."
Urban Dictionary would describe it (if there was such and entry) as, "The lumpy, blood-soaked terror that comes out after the baby and will visit you in your nightmares for years to come."
This is a blobfish. A real placenta can be found here if you dare.
The upside of witnessing the birth of a placenta is that the image it burns into your soul will make you thankful for the six sex-free weeks you have ahead of you. The downside is that you will forever wonder if your baby had a previously unnoticed twin who could have went on to make you a fortune as the star of untold numbers of b-rated horror films.
Picture a vagina blowing a meat-bubble. Now imagine someone surgically attaching that meat-bubble to a newborn via a pulsating sausage casing.
#5.
Episiotomies
Modern medicine is full of examples of "cures" that seem worse than the condition they are designed to treat (or in the case of episiotomies, prevent). For instance, the dreaded episiotomy. The word itself comes from the Greek "epison," which means "pubic region," and "-tomy" which, one can only assume, means "to cut the fuck out of."
In an episiotomy, a scalpel is used to create an incision that starts at the bottom of the vagina, and goes downward towards the rectum. As if this wasn't hard enough to watch without crying like the little girl that our high school gym teachers always knew we would turn out to be, the procedure is carried out at the same time the baby's head is forcing its way out.
This, but with scissors. And a vagina. And imagine a screaming baby coming out of the box.
Why would a highly trained, and over-paid professional do such a procedure? To keep the vagina from tearing, silly. To the layman (and by "layman" we mean weeping, trembling onlooker), this seems like breaking your own windows with bricks to keep the neighborhood kids from breaking them with baseballs.
So why do they do it? Remember that time Barney the dinosaur locked his keys in his car and tried to get in by climbing in thru the exhaust pipe? Well childbirth can be just like that. But in reverse. And with blood. And instead of an exhaust pipe, it's a vagina.
Yeah, just like that.
#4.
Feces
You might be tempted to think all the time you have spent watching clips of poo-porn on the internet would prepare you for this, but you would be wrong. We'll spare most of the smelly details since Cracked is a family site (as long as your family consists of alcoholic pop-culture junkies) but be assured that after the birth experience your view of poop will never be the same.
First off, the mom-to-be is going to take a big fat dump on the hospital bed. Yes, Hollywood tends to leave that part out.
Apparently, passing an 8-pound canned ham through your hoo-ha compresses the intestine and has a tendency to push any fecal material inside of it out of the body. Also, there will probably be no fewer than 10 people in the room watching it happen. Oddly, mom may not even know it has happened, and those who witnessed it will probably be too polite (or horrified) to say anything.
Secondly, the baby is gonna poo too. That isn't news. In fact, "baby-shit yellow" is a color available on the new Chevy Camaro. Oddly, that same color is not an option available for the baby's first duke. For the first few days the baby's bowel movements will be black, and have the consistency of fresh roofing tar. Also, it will be about as easy to clean as fresh roofing tar. They may also taste like fresh roofing tar, but who wants to eat fresh roofing tar just to make that comparison?
To put it in perspective: Have you ever spent a night drinking cheap beer, only to wake up with a headache, and a serious case of black diarrhea? It's a lot like that. Which begs the question, "How did the baby get Budweiser in the womb?" The answer of course is: Through the umbilical cord. Duh!
My wife had her second baby a few weeks ago. I was there at both deliveries, both cesarean, so maybe avoiding most of the points raised with natural births. Still, the overwhelming emotion wasn't joy at witnessing a new life emerging, or horror at any of the processes of childbirth whatsoever, but fear that my wife and baby might die.
ReplyYes, you WILL poop on the birthing table. However they will whisk it away so quickly nobody will really notice. Plus, you can always blame it on the baby and say he/she took a huge crap while passing through the birth canal. That's what I did.
ReplyEpiseotomies. Meh, not really a big deal.
What you forgot to mention is that the momacitas boobs will become glutted with colostrum and be as heavy as a god durn Chevy truck.
Seriously, I could have done severe bodily harm with my left titty.
"Like a Rock" is no exaggeration.
You guys have to pay $10,000 to have a baby?! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?! Thats insane! How do Americans keep breeding? You should all come to Canada. Its free
ReplyI got hit with that fee once, you guys get hit with higher taxes every day. You should all come to America, where we actually get to keep our money.
I love this. I almost sent it to one of my pregnant friends...but I don't wanna freak her out. Man, if I ever have a baby, my boyfriend is never gonna let me forget if I poop on the hospital bed! lol.
ReplyHow could they leave out meconium aspiration? That's when the baby goes to take its first breath and chokes on it's own tar-like poop.
ReplyO_O
Hah. I'm English. Screw that final point :D
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesI'm Australian so...me too :D
I'm in Romania. Births often cost $500 in a private hospital, no less. The price tag in American hospitals sucks.
And yet most Americans sincerely believe that it's only places like North Korea where that is true, or that England and Sweden are like North Korea (easy to lie when most Americans don't own passports). I can't even imagine the brilliant caliber of propaganda required to convince so many teabaggers that universal healthcare is a bad thing to be avoided at all costs. I've heard everything from allegations that if all the doctors at a hospital are sick they'll send in a mailman or Coast Guard ensign in to fill in, to ridiculous tales of "rationing" and people dying while waiting days in the ER waiting room to see a doctor after being in a serious car crash. How can so many people LIKE the fact that most bankruptcies in this country are because of medical bills, and most of those people had insurance? Not to mention the promise that if you lose your job you lose your insurance, and if you get sick between jobs you may never be able to get it again because now it's a "preexisting condition" (though "Obamacare" tries to fix this last bit).
Some of my fellow Americans really are just sickened at the thought of helping their fellow countrymen. I guess the only hope is for more people to one day be in need of such help themselves, and at the way things are going that's going to be happening quite a lot in years to come.
sucks to be them.
Wait what, you have to pay to have your baby? That is ridiculous.
ReplyYou don't have to pay to have your baby, you have to pay for taking up the doctors' time and medical instruments and etc.
not to mention that you boning, never will feel the same tight, when all heal's up.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesActually, the vagina has an amazing ability to contract again to its original form. Granted, it doesn't always happen, but it happens 95% of the time.
Hahaha sooooo not true, dude. So not true. It's actually the opposite for some women.
That's what Kegels are for. If you do them consistently you can friggin hold a bic pen with your vagina and write your own birth story. Just sayin'
Have you had sex before? There's not looseness unless there was a problem, like tearing that wasn't taken care of, which usually isn't a first-world problem. Muscles tend to be tight and firm when they're worked a lot.
Why does it seem like everyone, including the author, as so ANTI-baby? Listen guys, I was right there and I'm telling you, when you're watching your child being born right in front of your eyes, your brain is going to do flips and you're going to be feeling 20 differant emotions at once. It's gonna feel like you just ran a marathon, and you're not even the one that's actually giving birth! All that being said, unless you're incredably shallow, you'll have a whole mess of things more important on your mind then some dumb placenta. Man up you chump, YOUR A FREAKIN DAD!!!
ReplyDude, the author has three kids...
F-you. You're just the spectator.
I didn't learn anything new and it wasn't even remotely funny. Congrats on the super s**t article!
ReplyI'm so happy I'm gay and never have to deal with s**t like this.
ReplyThese are some reasons why I don't want to have kids. Other reasons? Hmm, they're frigging expensive over their lifetimes, they take up a giant chunk of your life, that vag is never going to be as tight as it was before, and they're something else to worry about keeping safe. But the number one reason? I don't want to be responsible for the development of another human being. I'm almost positive I'd screw it up.
ReplyI have a dog. Heck of a lot cheaper, and the wife agrees. We both have lots of relatives and have no problem playing with their kids. Just let them take care of all the hard stuff.
Screw all the "abstinence only" talk some schools try to push on their students. It seems the #1 way of avoiding teen pregnancies is to sit all those little 6th grader crumb crushers down in front of a TV, pop in a VHS or DVD, and play for them an actual live birth (after the parents have consented to its recording and distribution). Uncensored, uncut except for time constraints, showing as many of the above six "terrifying things" as possible. After they've all returned from the bathroom after throwing up their breakfasts or lunches, I'm pretty sure they're either going to avoid sex for as long as possible or they're going to be pretty darned insistent about using birth control once they do start hooking up.
ReplyDamn right!
This is partially why I choose home bith.
ReplyI will be doing the same.
Now imagine you, as a good female doctor-to-be (maybe), has to witness all of this and more for a few years. Yeah, I'd like to see you want to have kids now.
ReplyThis is EXACTLY why I'm pro choice
ReplyNope, that was just plain really bad taste.
These are reasons 1-6 why I never want kids.
ReplyExcept something that is cut is more likely to tear. Think of it this way, try to tear a sheet. It's hard right? Ok, now snip the sheet ever so slightly with scissors. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiip! Much easier, huh? Episiotomies do the same thing. They are unnecessary and more damaging than natural tears. In fact, getting women UP and off their backs while they give birth is likely to prevent any tearing at all. The vagina is very elastic, it's meant to stretch.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesEpisiotomies are basically controlled tearing that can easily be sewed back up once the baby's out of the uterus. Consider it more like cutting your sheet via scissors as opposed to managing to tear the damn thing with your hands. Also, tell that last part to the obstetricians who put the woman in a gynecological position in the first place. Not an ideal position for childbirth, of course, but doctors have a better view and more access to the womanly attributes.
Exactly. They've found that it also causes more cases of incontinence and other issues later too. There is no reason to do epitomizes. Further studies have shown that all the so called "controlled tearing" is completely false, and takes much longer to heal then the natural tears.
Episiotomies are for the DOCTOR's convenience, not the woman's. Reclining birth positions, the whole on-your-back-with-your-feet-in-stirrups thing, sets labor and delivery up to be much harder for the woman (she is fighting against gravity, resulting in longer, more difficult labor and birth and more complications). It is only beneficial to the doctor, who has more access to the business end, ostensibly to have more control. Sorry, guess what, this creates the problems the doctor must try to manage! By encouraging a woman to labor and deliver in the natural childbirth positions (squatting, leaning), you eliminate the majority of the reasons for episiotomies in the first place. Additionally, by massaging the perineum and allowing the birth to happen naturally, rather than pushing under direction by the doctor, the perineum is much less likely to tear. Although occasionally an episiotomy is recommended (such as if the baby's head is too big or it is breech, etc.) to minimize complications, 9 times out of 10, it's not necessary at all, and only makes recovery longer and harder for the mom. And I have 4 kids. I know.
OK, to give number 5 credit, they do that so there isn't MASSIVE tearing of the genital region. they do it so there's no risk of there NOT BEING a genital region left. It's more like throwing a brick through your window to prevent a meteor from destroying your neighborhood.
ReplyThat's false actually. The latest research has shown they take longer to heal, often cause long term incontinence, and don't really help at all.
Another problem with childbirth is that it contributes to the increase in the human population, and in turn, to major environmental problems like climate change. Of course, people are too sentimental about having babies to want to think about that...
ReplyThe world population is growing because people are living longer. Its not like everyone used to only have 1 kid per family and now everyone is having 5 kids at a time. Only recently has the average life expectancy been above 80.
As long as we're tossing sentimentality out the window in favor of cold logic, let's consider some things: the world won't run out of resources in my lifetime, and I'm not likely to live long enough to see any major negative consequences of climate change. Bearing that in mind, I objectively have no reason to give a shit about overpopulation; I'll be dead, why care? Aside from misplaced sentimentality about things like the prosperity of future generations and the survival of humanity and blah blah, naturally.