6 Terrifying Things They Don't Tell You About Childbirth
|
You know what's scarier than death? Birth. For those of you about to have your first child, or who are considering it, you should know that there are some things about childbirth they're not telling you. Disgusting, horrifying things. Our goal here isn't to talk you out of having kids (it'd suck to be the website that convinced mankind to go extinct). We just want you to be prepared so you don't run screaming from the hospital. #6.
The Placenta
Webster's defines the placenta as: "the organ in most mammals, formed in the lining of the uterus by the union of the uterine mucous membrane with the membranes of the fetus, that provides for the nourishment of the fetus and the elimination of its waste products." Urban Dictionary would describe it (if there was such and entry) as, "The lumpy, blood-soaked terror that comes out after the baby and will visit you in your nightmares for years to come."
The upside of witnessing the birth of a placenta is that the image it burns into your soul will make you thankful for the six sex-free weeks you have ahead of you. The downside is that you will forever wonder if your baby had a previously unnoticed twin who could have went on to make you a fortune as the star of untold numbers of b-rated horror films.
Picture a vagina blowing a meat-bubble. Now imagine someone surgically attaching that meat-bubble to a newborn via a pulsating sausage casing. #5.
Episiotomies
Modern medicine is full of examples of "cures" that seem worse than the condition they are designed to treat (or in the case of episiotomies, prevent). For instance, the dreaded episiotomy. The word itself comes from the Greek "epison," which means "pubic region," and "-tomy" which, one can only assume, means "to cut the fuck out of." In an episiotomy, a scalpel is used to create an incision that starts at the bottom of the vagina, and goes downward towards the rectum. As if this wasn't hard enough to watch without crying like the little girl that our high school gym teachers always knew we would turn out to be, the procedure is carried out at the same time the baby's head is forcing its way out.
Why would a highly trained, and over-paid professional do such a procedure? To keep the vagina from tearing, silly. To the layman (and by "layman" we mean weeping, trembling onlooker), this seems like breaking your own windows with bricks to keep the neighborhood kids from breaking them with baseballs. So why do they do it? Remember that time Barney the dinosaur locked his keys in his car and tried to get in by climbing in thru the exhaust pipe? Well childbirth can be just like that. But in reverse. And with blood. And instead of an exhaust pipe, it's a vagina. Yeah, just like that. #4.
Feces
You might be tempted to think all the time you have spent watching clips of poo-porn on the internet would prepare you for this, but you would be wrong. We'll spare most of the smelly details since Cracked is a family site (as long as your family consists of alcoholic pop-culture junkies) but be assured that after the birth experience your view of poop will never be the same. First off, the mom-to-be is going to take a big fat dump on the hospital bed. Yes, Hollywood tends to leave that part out. Apparently, passing an 8-pound canned ham through your hoo-ha compresses the intestine and has a tendency to push any fecal material inside of it out of the body. Also, there will probably be no fewer than 10 people in the room watching it happen. Oddly, mom may not even know it has happened, and those who witnessed it will probably be too polite (or horrified) to say anything.
Secondly, the baby is gonna poo too. That isn't news. In fact, "baby-shit yellow" is a color available on the new Chevy Camaro. Oddly, that same color is not an option available for the baby's first duke. For the first few days the baby's bowel movements will be black, and have the consistency of fresh roofing tar. Also, it will be about as easy to clean as fresh roofing tar. They may also taste like fresh roofing tar, but who wants to eat fresh roofing tar just to make that comparison?
To put it in perspective: Have you ever spent a night drinking cheap beer, only to wake up with a headache, and a serious case of black diarrhea? It's a lot like that. Which begs the question, "How did the baby get Budweiser in the womb?" The answer of course is: Through the umbilical cord. Duh! |
Reddit
Facebook
StumbleUpon
Digg
Del.icio.us
FarkRecommended for Your Pleasure
-
The 6 Most Frequently Quoted Bullshit Animal Facts
1,106,018 views -
5 Ways To Hack Your Brain Into Awesomeness
by: Joe DB962,220 views -
5 Species That Seem to be Trying to Take Over the Earth
by: Rich Wallace706,746 views -
5 Superpowers You Didn't Know Your Body Was Hiding From You
by: Brian Thompson665,890 views
The hospital where my son was born at (Lawrence and Memorial Hospital, New London, Connecticut) would not even tell me if my son was born.
In fact when I asked one of the nurses while I was pacing around the room that my wife would be taken to later how my wife was doing and if my son had been born yet.
The nurse told me "That is none of your business."
She went on to tell me that I should just go home and come back in a few days to pick my wife and son up to bring them home. That is the only time that the staff encouraged me to be there.
After a few hours, I see a cart get wheeled by the room with a baby in it. I asked if that was my son, I got no reply.
The nurse came in and told me that my son had been born and my wife was fine. But, I could not see either one. I did not get to see my wife for another 8 hours, and my son: almost 2 full days.
When they finally wheeled my wife in and let me see her, I found that they had ignored her allergies to medical tape. Instead of using real sticthes to close up the C-section, they used, wait for it, medical tape.
My wife's abdomen had exploded with blisters and sores from the allergies. When my wife started bleeding all over the gurney and blood was pooling up on the floor, guess what they did?
Yep, apply MORE tape. When I told them that they needed to redo the surgery and use real stitches, they called security on me. I was picked up, carried out of the hospital and quite literally tossed to the ground in next to my van.
When I got home, my wife's best friend had called me up, and asked if I wanted to see photos of my son being born and him in the infant care ward.
I was shocked to learn that while I was forced to wait in a waiting room for the better part of a day, my wife's best friend, on the sheer basis of being female, got to be there while my son was born, and even got to hold him as soon as he came out.
The next day I went in to go see my wife, I got there just in time to see one of the nurses try to force my wife to back date many paperwork items, including the consent form for the c-section, which they had neglected to have her review and sign, and felt that I, being male, could not be responsible enough to act as my wife's guardian.
All told, I complained to both the hospital board and to the connecticut board of health. Both told me that, as a male, I had no right to complain.
The connecticut board of health took things one step further by telling me that unless I can give birth myself, I have no right to be in the "Women's Ward."
I don't think this dude knows what he is talking about...
When you see the results of that awesome session you had to create the mix of genes that is now the most beautiful thing you have ever seen, none of those crazy details matter.
I remember all the things mentioned above to some degree but they all seem so minor, like stubbing your toe on the way to collect a gold bar or something.
Placenta - what that made such a brief apperance I never even remembered it till reading it here.
Fecal matter - What did the author say - all those hours spent watching what couldn't prepare you for what exactly. s**t HAPPENS. How do you get rid of your waste, every look at the product you left..
The only thing that I would agree on from this article is the slicing and butchering of the mother's joy hole. I do vividly remember the sound of the cut - and the one I witnessed was done with surgical scissors not a scapel.
It is proven that the cut heals slower and is more likely to get infected than any tear that nature will present upon an over stretch of the delivery device. Fathers should be at the ready to drop via the use of a king hit any dumb arse doctor who insist that crap is necessary.
Kalicha, the last one doesn't even apply to most South America ;)
Wait, so #1 terryfing thing about birth is MONEY...? You didn't even mention the possibility of a C-section there!
In regards to number 3:
I was at a party at UW-Madison this summer. A dude brought a stroller in. I thought maybe he had brought some more drinks, but no. He had his baby. Like a baby baby. And I guess he does this all the time. We kind of babysat it when he had to go out for a smoke. It was probably the weirdest thing I've ever seen in my life.
The last one doesn't apply to Canadians. Who's laughing now, huh America?
Okay, this is coming from a male, so it stands to reason that I don't know what the f**k I'm talking about, but... I've heard that childbirth CAN be a pretty painful experience, and sometimes it leads to the woman perishing. In other words, those stories you've heard about women dying while giving birth? They're not made up. It puts a whole new spin on that phrase "A woman is never closer to death than when she's giving birth." A fine paradox, particularly in the sense that it's actually true.
Now, the good news: Science has proven that women are tougher than men. Not only do they have longer life expectancies (in part because women tend to be of average intelligence, which means fewer geniuses but also means fewer morons,) there's also the matter of women being physically tougher than men. Yeah, sure, they don't have as much physical STRENGTH, but they are a bit better at holding out against things like being wounded, being poisoned, being lit on fire, being smacked by a semi, etc. Why? Because it's the women who give birth. Men aren't quite as necessary for the survival of the species, making them "evolution's playthings" - a nice way of saying that men are either badasses or pussies, with not many falling in between those extremes. Women are more reliable when it comes to being able to stay alive, simply because they have to be.
If you want a baby but can get past the idea of said baby not coming from your DNA, China has a lot of baby girls waiting to be adopted.
That way nothing in this article will be relevant.
Except for the 18+ years of spending $$$$$$.
I think that most Mums are given an enema before they give birth to avoid the poop thing. Dont they do this in USA?
@ here_kittykitty
thanks for the suggestions.... lets hope your new little 1 lerns about grammer punctuation and capitalization from daddy....
i dont understand after thousands of years of childbirth, how this article is even relevant. i have several friends who had natural births and not a single one of em had a bad experience. so unless theyre lying to me for some strange reason, this is stupid. i had c-section wit my son mar22/06 due to complications, i never saw placenta, umbilical cord, alien baby or s**t my ass...o and the government covered my son's birth 100% now why would a male even attempt writing this type of article?? should research what youre talkn bout a lil more next time...like the fact that the worst part of childbirth is after the kids out and the mother is passing blood clots the size of small fruits for at least a week and basically wearing depends...yaa that is what i call horrifying
I was one such unfortunate newborn that was the subject of fetal monitoring. Of course, when my mother told me this at age ten I thought having a screw embedded in my skull that hooked me up to all manner of strange machinery was the coolest goddamn thing ever.
actually i looked at the placenta. It basically looks like snot covered in blood. Which i have seen many a time, coming out of a much less appealing hole. I usually get nosebleeds when the pollen count goes up which also snot to leak out of there too. Wanna know what happens when the stuff can't come out of your nose. It goes down your throat. Mix the two together, and anyone who is even the slightest bit squeemish will barf and pass out upon the sight of it. This stuff also goes down your throat when you have a runny nose and sniff instead of getting up for a freaking tissue. of course if your like me, blowing your nose will give you that nosebleed anyway so you might just be better off sniffing.
#5 and #1 frightened me the most..
@ Briambo
I in no way intended to slight Belgium, its people, or its wonderful selection of fine ales. I simply found it fitting to include Belgian ales in the celebration of the birth, since it was such an important part of the conception.
Also, the placenta is pretty gross. Be glad we are drinking Belgian beer to help us cope, since I am pretty sure it accounts for most of your GNP after the great waffle famine of 2006.
Wow that is freakin scary!
R
www.anonymity.es.tc
Ahem....there is indeed "government provided health care," but there is NO SUCH THING as "free health care."
I addresses the question of "what happened to two-thirds of my paycheck?" Answer: it went to cover your free health care!
Hey hey, I resent the Belgian memory erasing ale, it's because you Americans drink beer flavored. Us Belgians are proud of our beer! Don't use it to erase memories! :D
oh f**k. good thing i dont want kids anyway. i mean, f*****g CUTTING you down there?? thats gotta hurt like s**t!!!!!!!!!
OMG the Placenta Part reminds me of the people who made PLASTA out of her sister's babys Placenta!!! Check This OUT http://www.momlogic.com/2009/04/i_ate_the_placenta.php
They ATE THE BLOOD SUCKED TERROR AND MADE SANDWICHES FOR IT. They even posted recipes! YUCK!!!!
More on Science
-
6 Bullshit Facts About Psychology That Everyone Believes
1,233,187 views -
7 Awesome Acts of Nature (That Science Can't Explain)
1,138,562 views -
6 Things Your Body Does Every Day That Science Can't Explain
1,136,081 views -
13 Real Animals Lifted Directly Out of Your Nightmares
1,109,077 views
-
Curse of the Duck Hunt Dog
by: Tremendosaur59,916 views -
6 Types Of Youtube Videos There Are Waaay Too Many Of
by: Michael Swaim234,558 views
-
Articles
-
Videos
-
Columnists
-
More Cracked
-
About
Copyright © 2005 - 2009 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.
Kind of awkward to be sypathizing with men on this subject... Anyways, I never wanted to have a child and I never will.
...unless it's an accedent and I can't get an abortion for some reason. This only lists about half of the reasons why I don't want a screaming little spawn of Satan, but it's good enough.
...except for the who male perspective thing. Seriously, shameful.