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6 Terrifying Things They Don't Tell You About Childbirth

By Travis Corkery August 1, 2008 1,174,031 views
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You know what's scarier than death? Birth.

For those of you about to have your first child, or who are considering it, you should know that there are some things about childbirth they're not telling you. Disgusting, horrifying things.

Our goal here isn't to talk you out of having kids (it'd suck to be the website that convinced mankind to go extinct). We just want you to be prepared so you don't run screaming from the hospital.

#6.
The Placenta

Webster's defines the placenta as: "the organ in most mammals, formed in the lining of the uterus by the union of the uterine mucous membrane with the membranes of the fetus, that provides for the nourishment of the fetus and the elimination of its waste products."

Urban Dictionary would describe it (if there was such and entry) as, "The lumpy, blood-soaked terror that comes out after the baby and will visit you in your nightmares for years to come."


This is a blobfish. A real placenta can be found here if you dare.

The upside of witnessing the birth of a placenta is that the image it burns into your soul will make you thankful for the six sex-free weeks you have ahead of you. The downside is that you will forever wonder if your baby had a previously unnoticed twin who could have went on to make you a fortune as the star of untold numbers of b-rated horror films.

Picture a vagina blowing a meat-bubble. Now imagine someone surgically attaching that meat-bubble to a newborn via a pulsating sausage casing.

#5.
Episiotomies

Modern medicine is full of examples of "cures" that seem worse than the condition they are designed to treat (or in the case of episiotomies, prevent). For instance, the dreaded episiotomy. The word itself comes from the Greek "epison," which means "pubic region," and "-tomy" which, one can only assume, means "to cut the fuck out of."

In an episiotomy, a scalpel is used to create an incision that starts at the bottom of the vagina, and goes downward towards the rectum. As if this wasn't hard enough to watch without crying like the little girl that our high school gym teachers always knew we would turn out to be, the procedure is carried out at the same time the baby's head is forcing its way out.


This, but with scissors. And a vagina. And imagine a screaming baby coming out of the box.

Why would a highly trained, and over-paid professional do such a procedure? To keep the vagina from tearing, silly. To the layman (and by "layman" we mean weeping, trembling onlooker), this seems like breaking your own windows with bricks to keep the neighborhood kids from breaking them with baseballs.

So why do they do it? Remember that time Barney the dinosaur locked his keys in his car and tried to get in by climbing in thru the exhaust pipe? Well childbirth can be just like that. But in reverse. And with blood. And instead of an exhaust pipe, it's a vagina.

Yeah, just like that.

#4.
Feces

You might be tempted to think all the time you have spent watching clips of poo-porn on the internet would prepare you for this, but you would be wrong. We'll spare most of the smelly details since Cracked is a family site (as long as your family consists of alcoholic pop-culture junkies) but be assured that after the birth experience your view of poop will never be the same.

First off, the mom-to-be is going to take a big fat dump on the hospital bed. Yes, Hollywood tends to leave that part out.

Apparently, passing an 8-pound canned ham through your hoo-ha compresses the intestine and has a tendency to push any fecal material inside of it out of the body. Also, there will probably be no fewer than 10 people in the room watching it happen. Oddly, mom may not even know it has happened, and those who witnessed it will probably be too polite (or horrified) to say anything.

Secondly, the baby is gonna poo too. That isn't news. In fact, "baby-shit yellow" is a color available on the new Chevy Camaro. Oddly, that same color is not an option available for the baby's first duke. For the first few days the baby's bowel movements will be black, and have the consistency of fresh roofing tar. Also, it will be about as easy to clean as fresh roofing tar. They may also taste like fresh roofing tar, but who wants to eat fresh roofing tar just to make that comparison?

To put it in perspective: Have you ever spent a night drinking cheap beer, only to wake up with a headache, and a serious case of black diarrhea? It's a lot like that. Which begs the question, "How did the baby get Budweiser in the womb?" The answer of course is: Through the umbilical cord. Duh!

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305 Comments

If you want a baby but can get past the idea of said baby not coming from your DNA, China has a lot of baby girls waiting to be adopted.

That way nothing in this article will be relevant.

Except for the 18+ years of spending $$$$$$.

6/27/2009 6:33:42 PM
steelersteve13

I think that most Mums are given an enema before they give birth to avoid the poop thing. Dont they do this in USA?

5/18/2009 9:58:36 PM
Paula56

@ here_kittykitty

thanks for the suggestions.... lets hope your new little 1 lerns about grammer punctuation and capitalization from daddy....

5/18/2009 12:28:33 PM
Tragik

i dont understand after thousands of years of childbirth, how this article is even relevant. i have several friends who had natural births and not a single one of em had a bad experience. so unless theyre lying to me for some strange reason, this is stupid. i had c-section wit my son mar22/06 due to complications, i never saw placenta, umbilical cord, alien baby or s**t my ass...o and the government covered my son's birth 100% now why would a male even attempt writing this type of article?? should research what youre talkn bout a lil more next time...like the fact that the worst part of childbirth is after the kids out and the mother is passing blood clots the size of small fruits for at least a week and basically wearing depends...yaa that is what i call horrifying

5/15/2009 11:28:13 AM
here_kittykitty

I was one such unfortunate newborn that was the subject of fetal monitoring. Of course, when my mother told me this at age ten I thought having a screw embedded in my skull that hooked me up to all manner of strange machinery was the coolest goddamn thing ever.

5/11/2009 9:50:47 PM
Yokai

actually i looked at the placenta. It basically looks like snot covered in blood. Which i have seen many a time, coming out of a much less appealing hole. I usually get nosebleeds when the pollen count goes up which also snot to leak out of there too. Wanna know what happens when the stuff can't come out of your nose. It goes down your throat. Mix the two together, and anyone who is even the slightest bit squeemish will barf and pass out upon the sight of it. This stuff also goes down your throat when you have a runny nose and sniff instead of getting up for a freaking tissue. of course if your like me, blowing your nose will give you that nosebleed anyway so you might just be better off sniffing.

4/28/2009 6:13:53 PM
jedimastergigi

#5 and #1 frightened me the most..

4/27/2009 2:24:16 PM
Pretty_in-punk

@ Briambo

I in no way intended to slight Belgium, its people, or its wonderful selection of fine ales. I simply found it fitting to include Belgian ales in the celebration of the birth, since it was such an important part of the conception.

Also, the placenta is pretty gross. Be glad we are drinking Belgian beer to help us cope, since I am pretty sure it accounts for most of your GNP after the great waffle famine of 2006.

4/26/2009 7:44:34 PM
Tragik

Wow that is freakin scary!

R
www.anonymity.es.tc

4/26/2009 7:31:14 AM
AbleBobby

Ahem....there is indeed "government provided health care," but there is NO SUCH THING as "free health care."

I addresses the question of "what happened to two-thirds of my paycheck?" Answer: it went to cover your free health care!

4/26/2009 7:07:13 AM
southpaw0609

Hey hey, I resent the Belgian memory erasing ale, it's because you Americans drink beer flavored. Us Belgians are proud of our beer! Don't use it to erase memories! :D

4/25/2009 12:17:39 PM
briambo

oh f**k. good thing i dont want kids anyway. i mean, f*****g CUTTING you down there?? thats gotta hurt like s**t!!!!!!!!!

4/23/2009 3:56:13 PM
guitarchick250

OMG the Placenta Part reminds me of the people who made PLASTA out of her sister's babys Placenta!!! Check This OUT http://www.momlogic.com/2009/04/i_ate_the_placenta.php

They ATE THE BLOOD SUCKED TERROR AND MADE SANDWICHES FOR IT. They even posted recipes! YUCK!!!!

4/21/2009 7:13:32 PM
Vsusanmoon

Wow. The apparent inspiration for EACH and EVERY Horror and/or Sci-Fi ever made--or ever will be made. Holy s**t!

4/21/2009 2:53:52 PM
rghtstff12

When both my girls were born, I was asked to cut the cord like I was opening a shopping mall. It was kinda like cutting a extremely stringy piece of raw steak with stainless steel scissors. It was a interesting tactile sensation I have yet to experience again.

4/21/2009 2:22:06 PM
xaxman

i wont have to pay the bill, im english,

we have FREE health care ;) mwahahaha!

not i'll need it, im NEVER having a baby after reading this *sob*

4/21/2009 2:06:24 PM
skittle_muffins

Meh, the placenta doesn't look that horrifying. Some people are just squeamish, I guess.

Man, if i ever decide to have a kid, I'm definitely stopping at one. I have no idea how my mom managed to pop out THREE. *shudder*

4/21/2009 12:03:03 PM
RammsteinFoSho

Well, the bill is better than to give in to f*****g SOCIALISM!
Free health/hostpital care is ANTI-AMERICAN.

(Or: the last one doesn't nearly apply to everyone.)

4/21/2009 11:03:59 AM
ijhuhuy

Screw that! I'm getting a dog.

4/21/2009 6:24:17 AM
docemmettbrown

my favorite is when hollywood shows a birth and the lift up the baby for the mother to hold, and its nice and clean.

That s**t is a pure lie. The baby comes out covered in blood and muck with the alien placenta tentacled attached to the baby's stomach, and it with an alien head.

4/21/2009 5:37:22 AM
lordastral

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