6 Terrifying Things They Don't Tell You About Childbirth
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You know what's scarier than death? Birth. For those of you about to have your first child, or who are considering it, you should know that there are some things about childbirth they're not telling you. Disgusting, horrifying things. Our goal here isn't to talk you out of having kids (it'd suck to be the website that convinced mankind to go extinct). We just want you to be prepared so you don't run screaming from the hospital. #6.
The Placenta
Webster's defines the placenta as: "the organ in most mammals, formed in the lining of the uterus by the union of the uterine mucous membrane with the membranes of the fetus, that provides for the nourishment of the fetus and the elimination of its waste products." Urban Dictionary would describe it (if there was such and entry) as, "The lumpy, blood-soaked terror that comes out after the baby and will visit you in your nightmares for years to come."
The upside of witnessing the birth of a placenta is that the image it burns into your soul will make you thankful for the six sex-free weeks you have ahead of you. The downside is that you will forever wonder if your baby had a previously unnoticed twin who could have went on to make you a fortune as the star of untold numbers of b-rated horror films.
Picture a vagina blowing a meat-bubble. Now imagine someone surgically attaching that meat-bubble to a newborn via a pulsating sausage casing. #5.
Episiotomies
Modern medicine is full of examples of "cures" that seem worse than the condition they are designed to treat (or in the case of episiotomies, prevent). For instance, the dreaded episiotomy. The word itself comes from the Greek "epison," which means "pubic region," and "-tomy" which, one can only assume, means "to cut the fuck out of." In an episiotomy, a scalpel is used to create an incision that starts at the bottom of the vagina, and goes downward towards the rectum. As if this wasn't hard enough to watch without crying like the little girl that our high school gym teachers always knew we would turn out to be, the procedure is carried out at the same time the baby's head is forcing its way out.
Why would a highly trained, and over-paid professional do such a procedure? To keep the vagina from tearing, silly. To the layman (and by "layman" we mean weeping, trembling onlooker), this seems like breaking your own windows with bricks to keep the neighborhood kids from breaking them with baseballs. So why do they do it? Remember that time Barney the dinosaur locked his keys in his car and tried to get in by climbing in thru the exhaust pipe? Well childbirth can be just like that. But in reverse. And with blood. And instead of an exhaust pipe, it's a vagina. Yeah, just like that. #4.
Feces
You might be tempted to think all the time you have spent watching clips of poo-porn on the internet would prepare you for this, but you would be wrong. We'll spare most of the smelly details since Cracked is a family site (as long as your family consists of alcoholic pop-culture junkies) but be assured that after the birth experience your view of poop will never be the same. First off, the mom-to-be is going to take a big fat dump on the hospital bed. Yes, Hollywood tends to leave that part out. Apparently, passing an 8-pound canned ham through your hoo-ha compresses the intestine and has a tendency to push any fecal material inside of it out of the body. Also, there will probably be no fewer than 10 people in the room watching it happen. Oddly, mom may not even know it has happened, and those who witnessed it will probably be too polite (or horrified) to say anything.
Secondly, the baby is gonna poo too. That isn't news. In fact, "baby-shit yellow" is a color available on the new Chevy Camaro. Oddly, that same color is not an option available for the baby's first duke. For the first few days the baby's bowel movements will be black, and have the consistency of fresh roofing tar. Also, it will be about as easy to clean as fresh roofing tar. They may also taste like fresh roofing tar, but who wants to eat fresh roofing tar just to make that comparison?
To put it in perspective: Have you ever spent a night drinking cheap beer, only to wake up with a headache, and a serious case of black diarrhea? It's a lot like that. Which begs the question, "How did the baby get Budweiser in the womb?" The answer of course is: Through the umbilical cord. Duh! |
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Actually, the monetary factor probably *is the worst factor. Pregnancy is still a voluntary condition, at least in this country, so if you choose to give birth, suck it up and stop whining about the side effects. As for having an "irrational fear of socialism," I haven't seen anyone include that on their Big List of Reasons "Free" Health Care Isn't Free. I *will admit to being absolutely terrified of stupid, however, which explains why I'm rejecting the Congressional bid to take over health care in this country. Feel better?
@coconut: Sounds like someone left you mid pregnancy, or you went through one alone because you're such a b***h. The mood swings affect everyone around you a lot more than they affect you. It makes me a bit sad when I think that my grandfather didn't have to put up with s**t like this. There was once a time when a woman said, "I want to have a baby" then she got pregnant, and then she had the baby without nine months of constant bitching at her husband. It's like at some point, every woman got the idea in her head that she was doing it wrong if she isn't reminding everyone in earshot of how horrible she has it, and how no one else in the room is having this baby but her. Shut the f**k up, and have the baby, because you know damn well at some point you're going to say that you're better than men because you can give birth and they can't. Let's just say if men could, I would have mine without f*****g crying every day.
That last point is the reason why I'm glad to live in a nation that has socialised healthcare. :D
I'll take my free healthcare and you can keep your irrational fear of socialism.
i'm going to vomit.
AS IF monetary cost is the worst of this. BLAGHHHHHH. horrendous.
and the icing on the cake.... at the end of this article... there is a google ad.... are you pregnant? LMAO.... that made me giggle
sassafrass sounds like someone who was telling a lie that sounded just possible and then couldn't quit until it was obvious B.S.
That's what it sounds like.
I was born at home, during a superbowl party, in denver, when the broncos were losing to the redskins. my dyke midwife and my dad keep disappearing in the video to keep track of the game, and random guys holding beer bottles keep walking past in the back ground. it cost around 2000 for my birth in 1988, and around 4000 for my sister's home birth in 2000. i was twelve. i poked my sister's head while it was still in my mother's vagina. i shrieked like a frightened kitten when the placenta came out. i was a little unnerved when i later took a pill that turned out to just be a capsule filled with my mothers dried placenta..... but then i found out it was full of nutrients good for breast feeding, and i was a little okay with it. the midwife had taken the placenta home with her... we also had some random indian medicine guy show up, take the umbilical cord, put it in a leather lizard, and give my sister a naming ceremony....
Yeah, UK, the birth of your baby cost absolutely nothing. @@ I wonder if the non-related folks stuck with the actual cost would agree with you...? Or is someone else's work product another thing that "costs nothing" in your country?
Excuse me, but who's having the baby in the first place? No amount of pissing and moaning from the men is going to make up for 9 months of mood swings, swollen feet, aching back and of course, the pain of child birth itself.
Women have way more reasons to not have kids than men ever will. =)
oh s**t, AngrySailor, that's just awful. I for one strongly believe that the father(of all males, not including doctors)should DEFINITELY be in the birthing room. I mean, it's the father's kid too!
Nonetheless, this is a great article. 6 more reasons to add onto why I'm not having children.
Damn AngrySailor, that sounds like some fucked up s**t.
OMG scuntic you COMMUNIST! How dare you praise the benefits of national health care? Are you trying to corrupt our youth?
In all seriousness, f**k Republicans
Hockeyhouse, that was just shy of 3 years ago.
The ct board of health claims that I had no right to even be in the hospital, and supports that hospital's claim that the only males that should be allowed in are doctors, and having female friends in to help the mother is all that is allowed.
This list is why I chose to have natural, i.e., completely nonmedicated births with both my children. No one took scissors to my body. No one touched my son's body either. (Europeans and Canadians will know what I mean.) No one screwed doodads and wires into my babies' heads. I just walked around, munched on some food, until they were engaged and then --BOOM-- had a couple of babies. Molto semplice.
I lol'd so much at the "consistency of fresh roofing tar"
I loved this article.
I recently had a baby 3 months ago, the bill came to exactly NOTHING at all at the hopsital, being in the UK and having national health service, don't believe the right wing propaganda they are spouting in the media my american friends, a socialised health service is kick ass.
"The bill".
Gosh i never ever thought of that. I had a baby 2 months ago, i didn't ever bother to go there with more than a few coins in my pocket for the coffee machine.
When i'm talking about my wife about her home country (China) we often think "it's crazy, you have to pay to deliver your baby there". But it never occured to us it was the same in some fully developped countries, especially the US.
@AngrySailor302 Holy s**t, when was that? When I was born 30 years ago, my father was kept in a waiting room as well (though was treated like a father, not a sperm donor). Three years ago when my son was born, my husband stayed within hand-breaking distance.
We have insurance and the bill was still a major shocker. Also, just how many f*****g people are in the room! They just kept filing in, albeit quietly. Thankfully I was too tired and stoned off my epidural to care.
Kind of awkward to be sypathizing with men on this subject... Anyways, I never wanted to have a child and I never will.
...unless it's an accedent and I can't get an abortion for some reason. This only lists about half of the reasons why I don't want a screaming little spawn of Satan, but it's good enough.
...except for the who male perspective thing. Seriously, shameful.
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It's all so ridiculously unnatural...