It's true. The metaphorical street that is The Internet is at a complete standstill due to an over-saturation of comedy. We've crammed the streets so damn full of dick jokes and sharp social commentary that the entire internet is frozen today. (Please take our word for it.) Check out some of these articles and we'll see if we can't get this traffic jam, (or, laugh-ic jam), moving.
This week, Dan O'Brien officially lays down his challenge against Hannah Montana, Bucholz has the scoop on Marilyn Monroe's infamous blowjob tape, and Swaim has the results of the next presidential election. (Stephen Colbert won.) Meanwhile, Gladstone posts a series of erotic pictures of Gillian Anderson and Ross posts a picture of a swimming pool full of cats. Something for everybody.
EVEN DUMBER-LOOKING THAN GARFUNKEL!
6 Best Shenanigans Passed Off As "Art"
"Art?" More like "Picture of Jesus that got pissed on," right? Right?
Notable Comment: Tykonderoga says "Just a word for the writers, I believe the correct word is "coprophilia," not "fecalphilia."" What a thing to be an expert on ...
YOUR BODY IS CRAZY!
Your Body Hates You: 6 Gruesome Disorders Anyone Can Get
Well, we've ruined candy, history and science, we might as well teach you how dangerous and inexplicably evil your body is. Next week, six things that adorable puppies have in common with Pol Pot.
Notable Comment: Yorak says "There are no women on the internet. Everyone claiming to be a woman is either a transvestite, a 50-year-old degenerate man with poor hygene, an FBI agent, or a spambot." Well, you learn something new every day. You learn something new, heartbreaking and emotionally scarring every day.
PIMPIN' ALL OVER HISTORY!
History's 7 Most Astounding Sexual Resumes
Wondering why you didn't make the list? You might get laid often, but we're talking dick-explodingly often, here. You just can't compete.
Notable Comment: CrazyCatLady says "Somehow I feel like Im catching an STD just looking at John Holmes." Ahahaha. Also you're pregnant.
PUNCH DRUNK STUPID!
10 Scenes of Brutal Violence Guaranteed To Make You Laugh
Of course Gary Busey made the list!
Notable Comment: CodyCastor says "Tonight's main event: "Sedated" Ray Liotta vs. "Molasses" Gorn. And on the undercard, a triple-threat match: "Bear-mode" Nicolas Cage vs. a swarm of Piranhahawks vs. like, six funnels worth of bees." We'd pay to see that.
The 5 Historical Figures Who Died the Weirdest Deaths
Notable Comment: NukeWhales has an addition for the list "Tycho Brahe should be on this list. He was man enough to hold a piss long enough for his bladder to rupture because it was rude for the host to get up from the table at a party. I cant believe he didnt piss himself first." And it's totally gross.
ALL HAIL MACGYVER!
The 5 Greatest Real Life MacGyver Moments
Incidentally, this article was written with just a napkin, a lighter, a scorpion and some good old-fashioned know-how.
Notable Comment: Jeduc says "MacGyver must be the weirdest lover in the world. "Baby, I bet I can get you off using nothing but these chopsticks, half a pound of lukewarm chow mein, and this gerbil I found. Hand me the duct tape."" Is everybody else thinking about MacGyver having sex now? Good. Gross.
YOU YOU YOU!
The 30 Most Ill-Conceived Horror Movie Monsters
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically--totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? Check out this week's contest about Video Game Villain Recruitment Posters and you can be.
This is the "that" that Meatloaf was talking about.
Early segways weren't very efficient, but were just as gay.
Good thing they built that bridge!! Without it, going across the treacherous meadow full of flowers would have been nearly impossible!
Imagine "Are we there yet?" repeated 500 times and spoken in goat.
What the hell is PETA protesting now?
Unfortunately the fish they were trying to protect swam away and then they just looked silly.
98% of the clones were successful.
2 fluffy costumes
What can brown do for you?
"Oh yeah. Well, my Burning Man sculpture shits photographers. Does your Burning Man sculpture thing shit photographers?"
Snagging a photo of Big Foot or the Loch Ness monster is cool.
But snagging a photo of a lawyer ascending into Heaven is absolutely fucking legendary.
Tony Hawk Pro Stock Broker 2
"The emperor, still furious from the whole 'new clothes' fiasco decides to take a drive to calm himself down."
and their pit crew was fired right after the race...
Instagram influencers are often absurd.
Well, this is terrifying.