I Challenge Hannah Montana to a Bare-Knuckle Boxing Match
Friends, Fellow Bloggers, and Cracked.com Editor Extraordinaire Jack O’Brien- I owe you all an apology. Maybe it was the remarkable amount of Mabisms that kept showing up week after week after week. Or maybe it was the fact that, because the Cracked Commenting Community was so relentless and shameless with their graphic pursuit of destroying Hannah Montana’s Biography, Daniel Terhorst, (co-founder of Biographicon), actually contacted us to let us know that he compromised his intentions and locked both Hannah and Miley Cyrus’s Biographicon pages. Maybe I realized that this whole thing was bigger than me, too big for me to control. Maybe it’s because, deep down, I have a heart after all.
Whatever the reason, you may have noticed that I’ve slowed down in my Anti-Hannah Propaganda as of late. While I was passionate and, perhaps, even obsessive at the beginning, my focus in the recent weeks has shifted to simpler, gentler things like spousal abuse and shit-eating.
What can I say? It was a moment of weakness.
While I was taking a few weeks off and reflecting on the possible consequences of systematically destroying a fifteen year old both professionally and emotionally, the fifteen year old in question was certainly not resting. If I had to guess, I’d say she was sitting on her recently polished throne of orphan skulls, hissing and wondering what she could possibly do that would piss me off the most.
Well, let me be the first to say, mission accomplished, you puppy-eating thunder bitch.
Recently, the director and star of the hit break-dancing drama/emotional rollercoaster Step Up 2: The Streets posted a youtube video wherein they challenged that bitch who plays Hannah Montana to an “online dance competition.” That, in and of itself, isn’t really offensive to me in anyway. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s totally fucking retarded, but does it bother me? Not particularly, no.
Hannah MonSnakeMonster decided to
answer the challenge by posting a video featuring her and her dance crew doing some impressive moves. The name of that dance crew?
The M&M Cru.
You know another “crew” that carried the nickname “M&M,” you raging serpent? My fucking street-vigilante duo. Dedicated followers of the blog will remember that, before we were bloggers, Gladstone and I worked as costumed street-vigilantes in Rhode Island, dubbed “M&M” by the media, because of our names, (I was “Machete,” Gladstone was “Mace.” Guess what weapons we used to fight crime?). If you want to do a bunch of crappy cartwheels and back flips to win some stupid loser dance competition for fatheads, go ahead and do it, Miley, no one gives a shit. But did you really think I wouldn’t notice that you stole our name for your giant-mouthed dance team? Really?! No. You knew I’d find out, Miley. You wanted me to see this, but why? Is it because you’re a huge bitch?
(Yes.)
M&M stood for candy when we came across it, Miley, and now it stands for Justice, (Justice that, incidentally, also melts in your mouth, not in your hands). That title commands respect, respect that we earned when we worked tirelessly to rid Providence of the violent and merciless Checnyan Mob. Do you really want to shit all over our name? Because that’s what you’re doing. You’re taking a Texas-sized elephant shit all over the name that Gladstone and I spent three years (on and off) building up. And for what? For a stupid dance challenge that you don’t even stand a chance of winning? (Seriously, you don’t. That motherfucker who played Moose is, like, the Daniel O’Brien of underground street break-dancing.)
I never should have let my guard down. The second I stop posting about you, you pull a stunt like this. Ruining my good name for absolutely no reason. What have I ever done to you?
….
This situation does, however, bring up an interesting opportunity. As long as you’re answering challenges that people post on the internet, Montana, why not mine?
The Challenge
I, Daniel “Machete” O’Brien, The Archbishop of Hip Hop, The [Mostly] White Dolemite, hereby officially challenge you, Hannah “Snakemonster” Montana, to a Bare-Knuckle Boxing match. We can meet wherever you’d like at whatever time you’d like. No referees. No cameras. Just you and me, Hannah Montana.
Bare-Knuckle Boxing.
If you’d rather have a rumble, you are more than welcome to bring your moron loser dance crew for jerks, provided I can bring Mace out of retirement. I just think we should settle this, Montana.
In the rain, like they did in Step Up 2: The Streets.
Maybe surrounded by a ring of fire, if we can make that happen. I don’t know if we’ll be able to with the rain, but I’d like that if we can get it.
April 18th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
I tip my hat of to you, good sir. And as an amateur boxer, I would gladly assist you with her pansy dancecrew. I will not rest untill shards of teeth are lodged between my nuckled, and need to be picked out with a machette.
April 18th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
*knuckles
April 18th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
Man, that bitch would whup your ass.
April 18th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
If i were gay, or a woman, I’d be having sex with DOB right now..
He once again proves why he’s my favourite cracked blogger, and thus by default the BEST cracked blogge (because my opinion is all that matters).
Bravo.
April 18th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
I do believe that glendoor is getting a little uppity because Swaim mentioned him in a blog.
April 18th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
I have to agree with Glendoor, Dan. I think Hannah Montana would beat you like you owed her money.
I can just picture her giving you a “curby” after the massive beating, just to make an example out of you to the next challenger.
April 18th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
Aww Dan ma boy, why you gotta be all mouthy? This gurl be a fuighter, and she’s gotta mean right hook and likes to dance cuircles around anyone stoopid enough to get in the ring with her! I seen this gurl take down a bear in the backwoods of Montana! It’s where she got hur name! They used to call her Hannah ‘Bear Brawler In’ Montana before she stepped up to super-duper-frilly-lightweight.
Now come on Dan, we gotta lotta wuork to do before this fuight. Show me that left jab. Come on boy, harder! This Hannah Montana will eat ya alive! (And then very slowly digest you before regurgitating you to feed her monsterous brood of horror spawn.)
April 18th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
She does feed on the blood of aborted babies to give her superhuman abilities.
April 18th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
See Dan, do you want to fuck with a chick that feeds off the blood of babies? Now your putting the entire staff at Cracked.com and its readers at risk just for reading your comments.
I dont want to die Dan, you apologize to Hannah Montana or we are all fucking Doooooooomed.
April 18th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
dan, i applaud your efforts, but be careful. while m&m’s bouts with the yakuza were both kick-ass and legendary, it’s nothing compared to the hell-spawned army of the undead that the Her Bitchness commands.
godspeed.
April 18th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
What, you think Hannah Montana fights fair? I got a glimpse of her the night my family was murdered, that bitch will just turn her hands into snakes and strangle you while she broadcasts it live to everyone you respect and Swaim. How could you prevent something like that?
You want my advice?
(Say yes)
Really? Oh, thanks, that’s kind of you.
Bring a recording of children’s laughter, or, conversely, Michael Swaim crying. The happiness that these things bring are her Achilles’ Heel.
April 18th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
I feel really, really awkward about this DOB, but the reason she’s calling it the M&M Cru is because that stands for Miley and Mace. She (in 3 years) is, I mean will be the love of my life.
I’m sorry, but after you left M&M (to pursue your dream of boning super models and collect Pogs with Swaim) I had nothing to do. I was empty for years until this plucky young woman started teaching me dance moves. We clicked instantly and she reminded me of someone. Maybe it was the way she cried in the rain or put her hair up in cute pink ribbons before bed, but something about her reminded me… of you. (But with lots more baby-eating.)
Anyway, I think that might be why you hate her so much. In truth, you’re looking in a mirror. A mirror that reflects souls pretty accurately (but with, again, lots more baby-eating.)
April 18th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
retract your comments before its to late Dan. She will see this challenge soon enough, and there is no backing out once she utters the words “I accept your challenge”. Dont let Miley feed on your soul for all of eternity. You think Britney caused her own demise? She brushed by Miley without saying excuse me, and look what happened to her !!!
Please Dan, listen to the people who love you (and in Swaim’s case who literally LOVE you if you get my drift *wink, wink*)
April 18th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Gladstone, what you’ve said… the implications….no, God no.
SHE’S DOB’S DAUGHTER!
April 18th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
I assume you’ve got the reach advantage on her (although I admit, there is very little data on the length of her lizard tongue.) So you can beat her if you keep her at a distance. If she gets in close though she’s going to coil around your body and constrict the life out of you. I can only assume that she’ll unhinge her jaw and swallow your lifeless body whole, which will then be digested over the course of a thousand years. Just like the mighty Sarlacc.
April 18th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
Wait… Did you say “no cameras”, DOB?? Well, what’s the goddam point of it all if we cant even catch it on youtube the minute after its over???? That’s just mean…
Also, Gladstone - traitor!!!
April 18th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
I agree with many of my fellow cracked readers. Hannah Montana and her lizard army will break, crush and flush you like her aborted fetus.
April 18th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
You can win, you just need a bigger machete.
April 18th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
One word of advice for the DOB: If she pulls up her skirt, she is about to abort babies at you. Her well-honed aborting muscles can hurl those things at speeds upwards of 50 miles an hour, so stay on your toes. It gets worse too: sometimes they catch an old coat hanger on the way out, which the babies will use to strangle you as long as the oxygen in the placenta lasts. I don’t need to tell you why they’re so hairy, ugly, and from Maine.
April 18th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
@ Gladstone “I feel really, really awkward about this DOB, but the reason she’s calling it the M&M Cru is because that stands for Miley and Mace. She (in 3 years) is, I mean will be the love of my life.”
You told your wife about this? I hear those Maine women can be meaner than cat piss.
April 18th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
My wife took off shortly after the Winehouse video. Been swinging for months.
April 18th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
I’m proud to join Esmoreit sticking up for you. I hope she does bring a cru so we can fight along side you.
I don’t know why there are so many nay-sayers on this thread. Strength in numbers! Destroy the snake witch!
DOB, don’t give up the good fight!
April 18th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
DOB, I appreciate the return of the war on hannah montana’s evil. But she’s still getting stronger every single day. LOOK AT THS:
http://wonkette.com/380050/mccain-obama-flirt-with-underage-hannah-montana
She can only be stopped by your super blogging powers! Please, DOB, help us! The world needs you!
April 18th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
You my friend, have balls challenging Queen Bitch aka Hannah “Snake Monster” Montana to a bare knuckles boxing match. Seeing as her Snake Monster powers could drive any man insane, only you could take her out (and me of course)…good luck my friend, and i will be there to cheer you on
April 18th, 2008 at 6:51 pm
i am not surprised at all.I saw him weeks ago via webcam. I was contacted by him first on a celeb site called ‘SearchingMillionaire dotcom’! I also got several of his pix.
it’s common to meet celebrities on that site. That’s why I joined it recently
April 18th, 2008 at 7:24 pm
I feel that Gladstone has given this fight real meaning. You are now fighting for his man-love.
April 18th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
Wait. This post implies you watched Step It Up 2: The Streets. If you’re that gay you don’t stand a chance against the Princess of Doom.
April 18th, 2008 at 7:57 pm
Bitch took your vigilante name, stole the second “M” to M&M, and aborts fetuses at fifty miles per hour!
Dan, whatever you do, KICK THIS BITCHE’S PERKY SEVEN YEAR OLD ASS!
Do whatever it takes! Sell your soul to the Devil!
Do it for Gladstone, do it for Cracked, do it for your pride, do it the holocaust victims!
April 18th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
THANK you, Dajumbles, Ironmaiden1fanrf, Neil, and Esmoreit, THANK you for your support. I come here, among friends, to announce what will be the most Highlander-esque battle of my blogging career, and a sweeping majority of you don’t have my back. A bunch of my friends and supporters turn on me. I feel more and more like Jesus every single fucking day, it’s not even funny.
Gladstone…I don’t even know what to say to you. As long as you’re happy, I’m happy. But you have to understand: punching Hannah Montana in her face is something I need to do. It’s bigger than us, Mace.
April 18th, 2008 at 8:21 pm
Why are you so mean to poor old Hanna, sure she is Hitlers reincarnation bent on turning our young children’s minds into become her mindless zombie slaves so she can rape and crush the skulls of the elderly but is that really that bad,
I mean come on its not like any of you people cant deny eating an unborn fetus to look younger at least once.
So she went overboard once with the whole “kitten vs my blender” scenario, so what I say let bygones be bygones
April 18th, 2008 at 8:23 pm
STOP THIS WAR NOW!!!!!!
April 18th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
DOB?
Need to do? Need to do? Don’t even start. Do you remember Providence August 6, 2004? No? Think! I kill three of Swachesku’s boys with one whip of my mace. Great, I think. I’m the best, but on the follow-thru of my swing, my mace gets stuck in a chain link fence. Even worse, Swachesku’s brother, Nikolai, it coming at me with a blow torch. “No problem,” I think. “I don’t have to do ALL the work. I got Machete.” A moment goes by. Now he’s just feet away, and you’re nowhere to be seen. “Mace, I need you,” I scream, but only the sound of my own voice bouncing off the fractured skulls of mobsters returns to me. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I see it. You and Swaim laying on your stomachs with your feet in the air trading home made pogs. “Two David Crosses for one Bob Odenkirk,” I hear you say, and just before Nikolai’s blowtorch singes off all my chest hair I hear, “some day I’m gonna blog about boning supermodels.” THAT was a time you needed to do something. Not now. If the dog that Swaim was attempting to rape had not lashed out in misdirected anger and devoured Nikolai, I wouldn’t even be here.
Go ahead. You go after Hannah. But when you do, be warned. I’ll be there. And my mace is polished.
(Also, I’m pretty sure Glendoor’s got my back so you’re pretty much fucked.)
April 18th, 2008 at 9:39 pm
I am going to have to take Gillian Anderson away from you for killing my brother, Mace. And vengenance will be mine when I get that dog neutered and sent to Paris Hilton. Poor Nikolai.
April 18th, 2008 at 10:41 pm
I just realized that DOB must have sifted through mountains of pics featuring leprechauns bare-knuckle boxing before finding the one he posted. Why are you shunning your heritage Danny boy? Embraced the drunken demon that lies within; let the whiskey flow through you. Only then will you be able to defeat the Miley Rae C. hag.
April 18th, 2008 at 11:24 pm
Aaah…my son, I have already achieved that goal. If you look up “Jewfro” (my profile) here on Cracked, you’ll find a picture of my fist swinging right into Hannah “Curbstomper” Montana’s face, whilst a young fan cries out in horror.
It felt goooood.
April 18th, 2008 at 11:40 pm
I fucking LOVE you, DOB.
April 19th, 2008 at 1:54 am
Hey Dan I was just trying to save you an ass whupping that that hillbilly bitch is liable to lay
down on you.
If you are smart here’s what you do, go back to that dickhead at Linen&Things that sold you the “waterproof” radio you got for JayZ, buy another one, give it to Miss Cyrus as a “peace offering” and the first time she uses it in the shower and ZZZAAAPPPP!!!!! SHE LIGHTS UP LIKE A BUG ZAPPER. You got deep fried Montana and your problem is solved.
Or you could do the manly thing and just shoot her.
@ Gladstone I think you and Machete should work out your problems and I think I need to stay out of that fight, but otherwise yeah I got your back.
April 19th, 2008 at 4:39 am
She is meant to quit HM and “write” a autobiography on herself. But here’s the Kicker it anit going to be written by her..but it going to be said it was. The book involes the trobles of a 15 (million) year old girl (monster/demon/rat/whatever). The fact that no one will go out with her unless they plan to kill themseves soon afterwards (That diabetic Jonas brother perhaps I only know of him because he is diabetic). The thing she calls a face having to look a little real everyday.The fact that her dad(?) thinks he is famous because of 1 song. I never heard of him until I was told who he was!Still never heard that song.That fact her feet smell, the eating brains of co-stars ( Emily osment is never going to be as good as her bro. The boy from the sixth sense.) and of course that 1000000000,000000000000000000000,00000000000,0000+ abortions she has had (she keeps them clinic’s in bussiness).
Anyways
Hanna Montana Made sims 2 H&M stuff and that’s why it always crashes. It in the name people H&M HANNA MONTANA.
Hanna Montana Killed my dog (RIP Toby)
Hanna Montana hates me because I told people of her 40+ toes.
Hanna Montana more than likly loves DOB and cracked because as they say ALL PUBLICITY IS GOOD PUBLICITY.
DOB FTW
April 19th, 2008 at 5:32 am
Hell Yeah goy tou’re back DOB-MANA (Machettees A New Anus). But a thought did occur o me… does a snake-monster have arms to do a knuckle fighting match?
April 19th, 2008 at 7:27 am
I like how you actually compare someone to you using the phrase “the Daniel O’Brien.” Ballsy. Like Hannah Montana. But not in your mouth.
shayn n.
April 19th, 2008 at 7:34 am
@ DOB. I can give you some tips but I cant ensure you victory.
Guitar solos are a must if you wanna score some large damage points.
Left, Right, Square, Circle, Up, Triangle, Down for a major combo.
And watch that upper left hoove.
Thats all the advice i can give for now but if you need some back up the less intimidating vigilante ‘the slightly sharpened spoon’ is at your service.
April 19th, 2008 at 8:58 am
DOB. i want your babies.
ill probably exploit them in some museum for human deformities (yes dan… i know about your the horn that sprouted fourth from your ear one day, you mutated freak). but seriously. i want to have crazy sex with you.
Seeing as i’m 14 i’m guessing that it’s frowned upon in many states, and downright fucking illegal, but you never really had a problem with breaking the law before, now have you? (punching hannah montanna in the face, although that baby-eating sbake monster that hyptnotises innocent children into worshiping her deserves it, uhm, it’s still pretty much against the law)
must go masterbate and think about you.
peace
April 19th, 2008 at 8:58 am
*snake
April 19th, 2008 at 9:05 am
Right, if someone sends a freight helicopter or two or three (to be safe) I’ll join the fight against Monatana and her evil minion cru (a thing named “cru” can only be a spawn of hell). And by join i mean I’ll airdrop. And by airdrop i mean that i’ll fall opon her like a WW2 bomb and accidentaly bone her. Then, when she’s confused, a bit squished and slowing down the rate of abortions, you’ll be able to strike without fear of her minions, as they would be KO’ed by the blastwave.
April 19th, 2008 at 9:55 am
if you bone hannah montanna the ground on which you bone will open up, exposing the fiery pits of hell. she’ll take you back to her lair and force you to be her sex slave, eating every fetus you impregenate her with while she sits atop her throne of violated children’s dreams, fetus blood dripping from her snake fangs.
moral of the story: don’t bone hannah montanna. even accidentally.
April 19th, 2008 at 10:03 am
Good luck DOB. Not since the rampage of Grendle has a hero armed with only his hands taken on such a hideous beast. If the brazen bitch be slain, your feats will be toasted at every meade hall this side of Valhalla!
April 19th, 2008 at 10:57 am
Kill her.
April 19th, 2008 at 11:02 am
As you can tell, you have my support, O’Brien. Just kill her.
April 19th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
I support you 100%, DOB. And know that if you do not succeed, if you fall at the hands of the greatest evil that this world has ever known, know that your death will not be in vain. You will be seen as a martyr, a symbol for all who stand for the virtues of peace and innocence. And I will salute you.
April 19th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Use your Machete as a mirror and don’t look in her eyes D.O.B.!! Or she’ll turn you to stone and use you as a throne to rule her serial abortionist cult (a.k.a. The Nazis). I got your back!
April 19th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
DOB, when you say you NEED to punch her in the face, what I am really hearing is “I NEED to slip her my manrod.”
April 19th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
I have to ask, what is with the anti- whatever it is her name is?
IS it for the same reason i loath barney and friends (god i hate that purple twat)
Or is their an actual reason, because your starting to get a bit obsessive about a 15 or something year old girl.
April 19th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
I swear to God, Michael, if you go after Barney, you’ll have to go through me. I just can’t resist that smooth, long, luscious tail and those big, beautiful eyes. And those little purple hands… so firm, yet so supple at the same time.
Go ahead. You go after Barney. But when you do, be warned. I’ll be there. He has my sword. He has my bow. And MY AXE.
April 19th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
Give him all the weapons you want, that purple retarded tyrannosaurus could not use any of them with those deformed arms.
April 19th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
He could kill you with his innate optomism and ability to educate and entertain children.
“Hey there buddy, turn that frown upside down, or else!”
April 19th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
HUH???
How did we get from DOB threatening to whup HM’s ass to Barney threatening to kill people with optimism…
April 19th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
Because i was asking the article writer why he has such a strong disliking for this hannah montanna girl. I just mentioned if his dislike for her was similar to my dislike for that counter-evolutionary T-rex.
Again, why do people dislike her? I am really curious, i rarely hear about her, but then i am from London, i have heard that she is quite popular and well known to some. also what is with the whole snake girl and abortionism?
April 19th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
DOB. Tell me the time and place and I will flatten her head with a lead pipe after you’ve destroyed her soul.
April 19th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
you can’t destroy what isn’t there.
o’brien will merely be destroying a shell of malevolence powered by satan’s rectal prolapse.
“merely.”
April 19th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
see if you can borrow wolinsky’s beard, that should offer some protection.
April 19th, 2008 at 6:34 pm
i will assist you in the rumble i handle rifles and knives well and am an amateur kickboxer plus i hate hannah montana
April 19th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
oh yes and im starting my own army against hannah montana look it up on facebook
April 19th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=12198228422 enlist now 4 the good of mankind
April 19th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
@ awkwardcamel
The age of consent in Penn. is 13, so you can Dan can go fuck there.
@DOB
Fuck that duck, and by duck I mean snake-monster and by fuck I mean mercilessly beat.
April 19th, 2008 at 10:17 pm
If I was a women and/or of legal age i would totally fuck Daniel O’ Brien.
April 19th, 2008 at 11:34 pm
can I atleast be there providing theme music?
April 20th, 2008 at 12:50 am
I would totally back you guys up in a rumble against Hannah Montana.
April 20th, 2008 at 12:51 am
The only reason Hannah Montana is still alive is that Chuck Norris is saving her for last.
April 20th, 2008 at 1:06 am
If we’re rumblin I can bring my crew. They call us the Plastic Knives. We defend the greater Manchester area.
April 20th, 2008 at 8:55 am
This whole comment section has turned to complete shit, but aside from that. Gladstone? What the fuck? your my mentor, and your hanging with a crab cannon? Jesus, what an example to push on the impressionable youth, “Hey kids, wanna be sexy and famous and great like me? Why don’t you hang out with the CDC’s very own STD testing subject?”
I almost tore my Gladstone posters off the wall, the ones i made, out of chalk, chalk and love. But.. even if your plunging into the deep crevice of whore association, i will still stand as your fan, mainly because your funny, but also because i think my posters look kick ass.
April 20th, 2008 at 11:06 am
@Gladstone: I know having the luxurious man-pelt, which you so proudly sport on your chest, get singed is a legitimate reason to feel resentment…but it’s no reason to go over to the dark side. This makes me sad. So very sad. Your Biographicon must needs be edited
@D.O.B. : I’m of a mind with glendoor42 on this one. When she whips out all 8 tentacles and starts windmill punching you like a Tom & Jerry cartoon, you may find yourself at a serious disadvantage. There’s no guarantee but, some holy water blessed by the Pope might slow her down. It may not be too late to hop a train down to NYC before he leaves. Good luck and God bless.
April 20th, 2008 at 11:08 am
I for one have complete faith in you, Dan. On an unrelated note, can I have your stuff if you die? (Don’t worry, Swaim, you can have the pogs as we discussed.)
April 20th, 2008 at 11:20 am
@kingmonkey +1: Pogs to Swaim- yes, DOB’s dog - no.
April 20th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
Hmm….
I thought I called dibs on the pogs *grumbles*
April 20th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Oh, and Dan, I must say that I think you’re screwed.
After you hack all of the tentacles off with your machete, you still have many more things to face….Especially the dreaded fetus launch. She’ll lie down on her scaly, herpes covered back, open her legs wide, and expell thousands of blood covered, demon spawn made to look like dead fetuses. In the second before your demise, you’ll probably think of some wise-ass dead baby joke, and let me tell you sir, this mind-bendingly funny thought shall be your last. Wave upon wave of herpes carrying fetuses shall bury you, killing you in every way possible. To them, the tables of turned, and no longer shall dead babies made fun of. Now it is dead Cracked writers who shall suffer.
And if by some miracle you survive this onslaught, she will sense it through her own version of telepathy (the invisible umbilical cords that connect her to her fetuses), and let loose with the most terrible weapon she has….The scream of the Banshee.
As I said, I call dibs on pogs.
April 20th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Oh, and why didn’t you respond to the LOL cat I made of her, Dan?
Too high and mighty to appreciate something someone like me did, huh?!
I might just go over to Gladstone’s side D:<
April 20th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
I’m all about killing Barney. I hate that fat purple fucker. About fifteen years ago I used to have to listen to that son of a bitch about twelve hours a day. I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM. To this day if my kids want to piss me off they start singing the fucking Barney song.
The only people that come close to the level of hatred I have for Barney is the Ruggles. They look like the gay brigade off a twisted episode of Star Trek and when they
dance and sing they just confirm it.
I don’t have anything against gay people per se, one of the bravest guys I ever knew was gay, I just hate the Ruggles and Barney, especially Barney.
April 20th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Before you can defeat Hannah, you must travel to Dagobah and find the jedi master Yoda. He will teach you all you need to know, and he is very wise, despite his resemblance to a muppet. If, during your stay in Dagobah, you have a vision that when you beat Hannah Montana you are beating yourself, be warned: She is your mother. Also, Gladstone is your twin brother.
If she pulls out a hidden lightsaber, run like the wind unless you relish the idea of a robotic hand. Which is cool, I guess. Good luck with your bare-knuckle boxing, and may the force be with you.
April 20th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
I accept your challenge. Friday the 13th, in the ally behind the abortion clinic. Be there or I will have Swaim promoted.
April 20th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
So, your man-love is also incest?
Dude….
Fuck. We’re screwed.
April 20th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
You had better win. Not only because the fate of the world rides onit but I hate to have my two favorite bloggers (you and Gladstone) mad at each other. You must unite agin like the days of old and dish out justice and witty one liners.
April 20th, 2008 at 7:38 pm
Gladstone. What the fuck was Swaim doing at the Chechnya Mafia complex. It just doesnt seem like his kind of place (too many foreiners). Is there any chance that the real M&M could reunite and do a reunion tour of sorts in the Maryland area.
April 20th, 2008 at 9:26 pm
I was wondering when you were gonna get back to the Montana hate. Ahh, classic O’Brien.
April 20th, 2008 at 9:27 pm
Swaim has gone over to the dark side, and I should know (look at my name, I was Darkness as well).
Oh, and the fact that the snake monster herself has posted here has caused me to get my comp scanned for viruses…and herpes, and gonorrhea, AIDS, chlamydia, and of course syphilis.
April 20th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
Well, it seems only right that DOB would go out with this as his last post.
A blaze of glory.
April 20th, 2008 at 10:05 pm
Not even funny, Dark. If I ever see the words “DOB” and “last post” in the same sentence again, I will shoot up my office.
April 20th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
FUCK THAT BITCH MILEY CYRUS JUST RICKROLLED ME!!11!
Can I be the corner guy?
April 20th, 2008 at 10:52 pm
She got me earlier and boy did she get me good.
April 20th, 2008 at 10:53 pm
WHAT?!
DAMMIT! RICK ASTLEY AND MILEY CYRUS SHOULD NEVER MIX! AHHH!!!!!!
Lolz, Gladstone might shoot it up before you. And most every office on the planet, actually.
April 20th, 2008 at 11:24 pm
Well, I feel excluded.
April 21st, 2008 at 12:36 am
When I call upon the power of my servant Satan and defeat your precious Daniel O’Brien, I shall implode the internet and force my wrath upon all of you weak mortals. Also on that day I shall cause all music except my own to become corrupt. There shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth. ALL SHALL BOW BEFORE ME!
蛇的怪物居魯士
April 21st, 2008 at 4:12 am
Do you know why Hanna Montana has defiled DOB’s name of M&M? It is because:
Hanna Montana is lonely. All her babies are dead.
Hanna Montana and Gladstone have been “consume”inating their love(making) in Pennsylvania for the past 2 years.
All Hanna Montana wants to do is dance, dance, dance.
Hanna Montana thinks DOB is related to Conan O’Brian (COB) and wants to ruin his career too.
Hanna Montana is making a new movie musical: “Curb-STOMP” the Movie Musical.
Hanna Montana is putting up “Have you seen me?” posters with DOB’s face on it.
Hanna Montana wants to add DOB’s “snake” to her collection. (she already has Gladstone’s)
Hanna Montana’s secret weapon? Her “Achy Breaky Heart”.
I have DOB’s back. Because when Hanna Montana gets done with him, that’s all that will be left.
April 21st, 2008 at 8:38 am
You tell them pumpkin. Daddy has your back again’st Dan O’Brien.
I’ll break his fucking Achey Breaky Heart right after I break his fucking neck. You mess with my sugar plum, and I’ll bury you O’Brien.
Can daddy borrow 6 million dollars sweetie? I needs me some cigs and Pabst Blue Ribbon.
April 21st, 2008 at 9:10 am
Hannah Montana possesses a thousand tricks! She is kind of like the bad guy from Bloodsport. She will throw crazy crap in your eye so that you stand their screaming like Jean Claude Van Damme.
Hannah Montana’s saliva is the most potent venom on Earth. Don’t let her bite you!
You should definitely bring not only the reunited Mace and Machete team, but also the feared Cracked Black Ops team. We know they exist, we just don’t usually mention them because we don’t want to get ki
April 21st, 2008 at 9:21 am
Ouch.
Anyway, some tips for fighting the monster:
Hannah Montana’s fighting is button-mashing cheapout style ala every jerk you’ve ever played a fighting video game with. Expect to be medium punched 157,000 times.
After the fight you need to be rushed for immediate decontamination. Contact with Hannah Montana is immediate grounds for a 10 day quarantine, a 12 shot series, and a skin scrub.
Hannah Montana may cause irritable bowel syndrome, gas with oily discharge, and may cause it to burn when you urinate.
Hannah Montana doesn’t participate in boxing. Boxing implies a fair contest. Hannah Montana goes curb stomping.
April 21st, 2008 at 9:30 am
Just remember to crouch, crouch forward, walk forward and punch to fire your energy balls at her.
April 21st, 2008 at 9:48 am
Exactly, with Hannah, it’s like she’s playing Soul Caliber, and pressing buttons at lightning speed with her many tentacles.
And then she pulls a clown out of nowhere (DOB’s greatest weakness), and breaks his teeth, one by one with it.
April 21st, 2008 at 10:18 am
Nazi.
April 21st, 2008 at 11:22 am
Up/Up Down/Down Left/Right Left/Right B/A Select/Start.
You cant loose with 30 lives Dan !!!
April 21st, 2008 at 11:29 am
Mah-chet-ee, the Checnyan Seen-dicate hus returned and we huv most powerful ally. Dark Emporess Montana demands rumble. You und Mace will not stop us. We will not fall for you male prostitutes trick again.
April 21st, 2008 at 12:45 pm
Hang on a second, all I’m hearing is DOB this and SnakeMonsterBitch that… Regardless of whose head gets macheted open or whose soul gets consumed by aboted-baby demons for an eternity, there’s an innocent vigilante manboy that loses either way, a fact that we are all sadly losing sight of.
I can only begin to imagine the pain Mace suffers as he watches the two great loves of his life battle for world dominion - world dominion and his heart. Because isn’t that what this is really all about? That, and rings of fire.
April 21st, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Illbeatz, I won’t say this isn’t going to be tough on Mace. But there’s something you need to understand. Street Vigilantism isn’t for everyone. There aren’t any street vigilante babies, (though, could you imagine? They’d be unstoppable). The street isn’t for the weak. The heartbreak is part of the job. Mace knew that when he swung his first spiky ball on a chain.
April 21st, 2008 at 5:13 pm
Gee, I don’t know which will be tougher, caving your skull with my mace or trying to get the DOB stains out of my chest hair.
BTW, Miley says hi. OH, and she made a joke. She suggests you team up with Chris Bucholz and go by the name BM.
BM! Get it?
Oh, my Miley is priceless.
April 21st, 2008 at 5:34 pm
Big Man?
April 21st, 2008 at 5:52 pm
Bowel Movement.
April 21st, 2008 at 7:05 pm
What, bowel movement? you have to go to the bathroom? Well go, but there’s no reason to tell everyone.
OOOOOHHHHHH!!!!! BM means bowel movement. Yeah that Miley is funny, you sure picked a winner.
April 21st, 2008 at 7:36 pm
the real contest is whether DOB or the abortion clinic has the bigger dick.
April 21st, 2008 at 9:12 pm
Gladstone…they’ve been saying that you and Hannah Montana are…
Say it isn’t so, Gladdy! Say it isn’t so…
April 21st, 2008 at 10:08 pm
He won’t because no matter how funny TAM is, he’s gone over to the dark side.
Oh, and I agree. That Miley is one smart, funny *snake monster* girl *smiles like he’s part of a vaudville act*!
DOB, there there….
April 21st, 2008 at 11:12 pm
Priceless? Funny? PICKED A WINNER????
Have you two lost your freakin minds?! (The answer is clearly yes)
I’m so sure this is one of those situations where Gladstone and Glendoor have been brainwashed and the only way to save them is to kill the evil snake-monster and break the curse.
Help them, Obi-Dan O’Brien, you’re their only hope.
April 21st, 2008 at 11:22 pm
Or, it’s one of those situations where sarcasm goes unnoticed during internet communication lol.
April 22nd, 2008 at 1:34 am
This battle is going to be the most fucking epic shit ever.
April 22nd, 2008 at 8:14 am
I accept your challenge, DOB. Be aware that you will have to make it through hthe nine levels of hell to face me. You see, i have overthrown Satan and become the new lord of the Inferno. I am currently raping his corpse with my hermaphroditic dick, feasting upon my aborted fetuses, and using my snake monster tentacles to masturbate in tandem to the wonderful blood orgy. Once I kill you, DOB, or should i say my enemy of ten thousand years, Machete, I shall proceed to mutilate your corpse, rip your head off, and lay my eggs in your brain. I will wait for you, Machete.
April 22nd, 2008 at 8:16 am
Well….
That’s pleasant.
You really DID pick a winner, Gladdy.
April 22nd, 2008 at 8:51 am
Damn straight. Gladstone, in return for your help, after I send everyone on earth to hell after my war with DOB decides the fate pe you and raof the human population, I will only rape you and your family for half an eternity.
April 22nd, 2008 at 8:54 am
The human race shall be doomed to the eternal torture of listening to every one of my albums on a continuis loop for all eternity. This is the price of your naivety. The chenycan mob supplied all of my crystal meth, and for taking them down, the world will pay.
April 22nd, 2008 at 9:00 am
Isn’t she a doll?
April 22nd, 2008 at 10:02 am
Chucky was a doll, too. Look where that got us.
April 22nd, 2008 at 10:18 am
Didn’t see that movie, funny enough.
But I just saw a picture of Chucky, and his resemblance to an aborted fetus is uncanny.
April 22nd, 2008 at 10:37 am
would u leave miley cyrus alone? she does have feelings, and she’s like fifteen. u’ll scar her for life. and we’ll have another britney. and what has she done to any of u? like for real?
April 22nd, 2008 at 10:43 am
I would be more worried about me scarring you. Yoou are not a member of the bountiful snake-monster race, and therefore a retard. Us snake-monsters hve an annual feast where we burn all the retards born the previous year, so shut the hell up, menstrual bitch, and buy an album before i exterminate your species.
April 22nd, 2008 at 11:13 am
….
*hides*
April 22nd, 2008 at 3:23 pm
you tell her sweet pea. Papa is right behind you.
Still waiting for the smokes and beer money I asked for earlier, but no rush muffin.
April 22nd, 2008 at 3:37 pm
So Daniel, what you’re saying is, sometimes the vigilante’s true enemy is actually inside of him? That the only foe that can’t be viciously macheted/maced into submission… is the heart… Wow. Just wow.
April 22nd, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Dude, I’ll bet she’d kick the shit out of you.
April 22nd, 2008 at 7:36 pm
why thank you, now i’ll only massacre half your family and rape you in the ass only once.
April 22nd, 2008 at 11:12 pm
Hannah Montana is the reason dogs howl at night.
April 23rd, 2008 at 1:51 am
DOB, you need to regain control of this here comment section before you can overcome the vile serpentine succubus that masquerades as Miley Cyrus. You must conquer the trivial matters before the large problems can be tackled. For instance, she seems to have a host of slithery minions who rattle their tails and hiss insults at you for daring to challenge their tyrannical abortion queen. If she can arrange for these foolish snakes to appear here, what is there to stop her from arranging to have snake paparazzi to follow you around and drive you insane? Indeed, as much as Apple Jack may hate it, you need to DESTROY this comment section. It is your only hope.
April 23rd, 2008 at 9:08 am
You dishonor your brothers Winsten!
April 23rd, 2008 at 8:26 pm
Nonsense, I merely speak the desperate truth! Her minions of death are everywhere. Perhaps YOU are one. Perhaps I am one (I am not). No, as much as it pains me, this comment section must be purged! PURGED I SAY!
April 23rd, 2008 at 9:39 pm
winsten, you shall recieve the same mercy as orchod. To all those supporting DOB, defect to me now and your death/gang rape shall be quick and slightly painless.
April 23rd, 2008 at 9:52 pm
Miley Cyrus and hannahmontana have both posted. Clearly one is an impostor. (The second one.) I know this because the real snakemonster would never show mercy, not even to poor Gladstone. I hope, for the sake of the world, that you win DOB. Godspeed.
April 24th, 2008 at 5:31 am
I will still killl them, just I will not mutilate their bodies as badly… but if they are even looking on the cracked blog for entertainment, they still deserve to be murdered, to have their brains eaten, and to have something jammed into every single orifice and have their dead, brainless, and assraped body set on fire.
April 24th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
You do not phase me, foul heathen. May the wrath of 1000 kittens consume your soul for eternity.
April 24th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Kittens? I eat your kittens for breakfast. Literally. They go great with maple syrup and aborted fetuses.
April 24th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
Then perhaps we will see the day when your soul is consumed, because apparently the great snake succubus does not know simple knowledge; all cats are poisonous. All of them. Especially when eaten — Kittens are the most potent of all.
April 24th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
I am immune to all poison, being a thunder bitch snake monster.
April 25th, 2008 at 12:11 am
So you would think… so you would think. Muahahahahahahahaha.
April 25th, 2008 at 4:51 am
Winsten, you fate is sealed.
April 26th, 2008 at 10:06 pm
I call dibs on DOB’s teeth!
And any placentas discarded during the fight.
April 26th, 2008 at 10:41 pm
I shall make you pay, impostor. Only one of us can be the true dark lord, and it isn’t you. As to Winston, you are an ignorant fool for believing this one’s lies. I do not eat kittens, I extract their poison for my own purposes.
April 27th, 2008 at 5:12 am
@ANGI (OR ANYONE WHO WANT’S TO READ IT)
Dear Angi,
Yes of course we know she has feelings. But she has made DOB’s life hell. And we won’t scar her for life her parents already did that. I’m saying her parents did that because she has been in the spotlight for a long time and once her looks fade and she isn’t popular anymore she is not going to know how to deal in the real world. Sure, she she might have a lot of money but that doesn’t matter because sooner or later it’s going to run out and she said that she isn’t going to collage so she doesn’t have a back up plan.When she is older people won’t have a clue who she is and she is going to have it hard.She said she is going to leave school when she can and that won’t be good in the future because she will fall and fall hard.The only way she is goin to be known in let’s say 10 years is if she act’s like Britney Spears or goes on those cheesy shows. Plus it’s not like she reads this unless someone post’s it to her.
In conclusion Quit yo belly ache whining and go bug some IMDB user’s on her thing if yo luv her soooo much.
Spank you very much!
Regards,
Oiseenetcat
@ DOB
YOU GO DOB YOU ROCK OUR WORLD’S GO KILL THAT MOFO SOB WITH HER DEADLY CLAW’S OF EVIL.
YOU HAVE THE BACK UP OF ME AND MY BITCHES (YOU CAN TAKE YOUR PICK OF 4 THEM TO TAKE HOME IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN *nudge nudge* *wink wink*) YOU CAN KEEP EM TOO.
GODSPEED LORD DANIEL O’BRIEN!
THAT’S RIGHT I KNIGHTED HIM.
BTW Gladstone how could you. You broke a lot of girl’s hearts.
April 27th, 2008 at 7:38 am
Gladstone, for your former loyalty to DOB, I shall have to eat your soul.
April 27th, 2008 at 9:27 pm
…
*clears throat*
*coughs*
*hacking cough*
*spittle*
*furball*
By God, I’m a cat! I think I’m going to go extract my poison now (by which I mean masturbate).
*walks off screen*
*the sound of a zipper unzipping is heard, followed by _________*
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May 15th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
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was that you?
May 23rd, 2008 at 6:10 pm
I apologize, however, I cannot be in a boxing match. I am far too busy deciding how to kill all the kittens and destroy the world by slow poisoning and nuclear war simultaneously.
Seriously, I hate Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus. What the fuck? Can’t she just be Miley Cyrus? Why does she have to have a dorky fake name? Everyone know who she is! Plus she eats puppies for breakfast and tortures pandas and orphans form third-world countries for fun.
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