CRACKED Defends Its Readers in the Round-Up!
Friends, we know what you're expecting. You're expecting another typically hilarious intro to the Cracked round-up. Some of our trademark brand of superior humor mixed with biting social commentary, but we can't give that to you this week. We can't, folks, because this week, we're declaring war.
Apparently, the chumps over at the A.V. Club have thrown down the gauntlet in their comments section:
"Dreary?" "Pedantic?" "Hell-hole?" "Internet!?" How dare you, random commenters on the AV Club. Say what you want about our site and the Cracked Editorial Staff, but we draw the line when you start attacking the heroes who comment on our articles. They are far from dreary and pedantic. In fact, we don't think it's going too far to suggest that we have some of the smartest and most insightful comments on the entire internet. Every article and video is garnished with well-thought out comments and constructive criticism and, remarkably, zero whining.
Our comments are golden. Get your shit together, A.V. Club.
This week on the greatest thing to happen to blogging since fingers, Ross stumbles upon a new ridiculous trend. Also, Gladstone hates Justin Timberlake while Swaim apparently loves him. Also, read Dan O'Brien's review of the infamous SXSW interview that he didn't see and doesn't particularly care about.
SAGAT IS CRAZY!
5 Important Lessons Learned from Street Fighter 2
If Street Fighter 2 was required playing in all schools across the country, this whole, sorry Miss South Carolina bullshit never would have happened.
Notable Comment: Bob says "Well guess what Mr. tallmingle guy. My penis is tall." ... Right, like we said, the most insightful comments on the internet.
THE MILITARY IS CRAZY!
The 10 Most Bizarre Military Experiments
Bat Bombs? These guys must get really bored if there aren't any wars to fight.
Notable Comment: Shizzle says "I also learned that, while scouring the Temple of Doom in Bangkok, Atticus Finch discovered that the ancient Egyptians had developed an army of land-sharks outfitted with the ability to spit hot tornadoes. Thus the fall of Atlantis. Class didmissed." See? The comments section can be educational, too. You won't find facts like that at the AV Club--or in any respectable history text books.
NATURAL FLAVOR IS CRAZY!
5 Horrifying Food Additives You've Probably Already Eaten Today
Yep, we've ruined apples and jelly beans for you. Sugar and french fries, too. Don't mess with us. We're taking puppies next week.
Notable Comment: Bhee says "It was remotely informative (throwing googled up words here and there don't count) and a total disgrace to most educated high school students. It's bad enough that bulimia is a grave concern amongst the young generation now we have an amateur piece authored ignoring responsibility to this critical social issue." That's not pedantic or self-important even a little bit.
BILLY DEE WILLIAMS IS CRAZY!
The 5 Most Pathetic Video Game Acting Performances
It's a list that involves Gary Coleman, Christopher Walken and 50 Cent. Few websites can promise that these days. Enjoy it while it's here.
Notable Comment: Wuzzman16 says " i agree with jcdent, red alert 2 could have been a movie, actually thats such a good idea that i cant beleive its not one yet. oh wait thats right Hollywood's been too busy making a fucking Hannah Montana movie. Yea an alternate WWII cant compete with that." Ahah, yeah, fuck Hannah Montana. We knew we'd find one good comment.
THE IRISH IS CRAZY!
6 Reasons the Irish Aren't So Lucky
Dear Irish People, We are extremely sorry. That won't stop us from pretending to be Irish on Monday, and it won't stop us from openly mocking you every other day of the year, but we're sorry all the same.
Notable Comment: Proud Irish says: "Hahaha ,Irish , potato famine ,2 million dead , hahaha Whats next for your comic genius the holocaust? black slavery? Ethopian famine? You forgot one thing. The worst thing to happen to the Irish is that it is acceptable to make bigoted racist remarks about them." Wonder if AV Club is hiring ...
Video Game Pitch Meeting (1979)
Have you ever wondered how '70s-era game designers came up with their ideas? Then you've never tried cocaine.
YOU YOU YOU!
20 Insane Supervillain Schemes in Flowchart Form
We're handing out money for this stuff, people. Real, live money that you can spend on pornography or sandwiches, (both?). Would you like some of our money? Check out this week's contest about Error Messages You Never Want to See and you can.
Spitzer! Don't get comfortable, though, as an all-Spitzer broadcast shows up the very next day. And again. Also, guess who makes an appearance on the week in douchebaggery? It's the news, Elliot Spitzer.
Don't get the Thames angry. You Won't like the Thames when it's angry.
And that was the day the Yellow River destroyed Smurf Village.
"Enlarge your penis try free! Ever wish your penis was a penis? All over everyone
'WOW A PENIS' and sex will be happy! Follow you throughout the galaxy. Aliens will
you. Place you in private penis exhibit! Your mom will proud!"
Editor's pick (tie):
...continued next cab.
All work and no play makes Ming a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Ming a dull boy.All work and no play makes Ming a dull
and no play makes Ming a dull boy.All work and no play makes Ming a dull boy.All
work and no
play makes Ming a
It's best not to tease little Clara. She has the power to Photoshop you with her
"And I'll miss you most of all, Scarecrow!"
Mattell introduces the Tiananmen Square Barbie playset to mixed reviews.
"Doctor, I keep having this dream where I'm a little girl walking in front of a
tank, a pink
tank, and its preaching love. Also, I'm skipping. Oh, and I think it wants to
"I've told people they might be gay before, John, but damn."
"I can barely make it out. Is that a cup those two girls have? The screen is so
"I said LUKE I am your FATHER..No no, FATHER, FATH..ER. Dammit Luke, I said I'm
FA...Ugh, damn signal. I'll just tell him when I see him."
Although a sad and solemn occasion, Gary Gygax's funeral was nevertheless, for
social event of the season.
The Mailman of Doom and his entourage: Stamp Girl, Not at this Address,
Postage, and Return the Fuck to Sender.
You know, Alex's Meat was better when they were using real Alex...now it's mostly
substitute with Alex flavoring. I hear it's even 12% Brian these days.
"Child, cow, cow, child, child, child, cow, cow ... this one seems to be made of
strawberries. I'll try this one."