Timberlake Speaks Out! But at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony, so Very Few People Hear.
This week’s Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony accomplished two important feats: giving Justin Timberlake a forum for responding to Gladstone’s hateful comments about him, and bringing the debate as to whether Madonna or Leonard Cohen is a more important musical figure into the public consciousness where it belongs.
Concerning the former revelation, I’ll let J.T. speak for himself. During his speech honoring Madonna, he said “she has still found time to kiss someone I may or may not have publicly kissed myself while I was in the audience,” and “the world has always been full of Madonna wannabes, and I might have even dated a couple.”
Well, I think we all recall last Summer, when reports of “Gladstimberlake” and their late nights clubbing clogged every national news outlet. And who could forget their famous “coming out” appearance at the MTV Movie Awards?
But enough’s enough, Gladstone. We know you’re lonely, and bitter, and that you’ve gained an enormous amount of weight since the break-up, but get over it! He’s too much man for you, okay? Moving on.
I’ve always wondered about who was the most relevant, enduring, and important musician in Rock. Naturally, after long nights of flipping through my record collection and marveling at my own retro hipness, it always came down to two clear contenders: Leonard Cohen and Madonna.
I even made this chart to try and decide:
It seemed like Cohen was winning, but then I remembered that although his songs “read” very well, most of them sound like this (wait for 1:50). Plus, I saw this headline about Madonna that really worked in her favor.
Frankly, I was so turned around about the whole thing I nearly had one of my servants commit poignant suicide on a white duvee.
But, thanks to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Inducting Committee (comprised of Ace Frehly, Nigel Parry and Janis Joplin’s old pot dealer), this pressing issue may finally be dragged out into the open and, hopefully, resolved in some sort of violent deathmatch.
My thanks to you, Misters Frehly, Parry, and “Gizmo.” You have given all us music buffs some hope, and quite possibly saved my chambermaid’s life.
Vote for Michael’s entry in the YOUTUBE SKETCHIES II Semi-Finals by clicking this link, then “next video” on the randomizer until you see his (”The Hot Farts”), then on the thumbs up. Complicated, isn’t it? Well, do it once per day per registered youtube account.
March 14th, 2008 at 8:11 am
Just as I predicted yesterday in the comments of my Timberlake post. It’s like I have a crystal ball or something.
March 14th, 2008 at 8:22 am
Did…did he just say he’d really like to live inside you baby?
What. The. Hell?
March 14th, 2008 at 9:07 am
I can’t believe they let Madonna in before Melanie! http://LetHerIn.org
I hope they correct this mistake before Melanie is DEAD!
March 14th, 2008 at 9:10 am
Seriously. You did predict that. That’s freaking hilarious.
Now, on a side note, you seem to know (at least a bit) about Leonard Cohen. Did he originally write the song “Hallelujah” that was covered by Rufus Wainwright? I know he also performed it, but I don’t know if his was the original or not…
March 14th, 2008 at 9:20 am
Damn, this is hard for me. My wife is a rabid Madonna fan, yet she absolutely loves Leonard Cohen (no doubt due to their similar song stylings). The poor woman is going to have a nervous breakdown now. And I’m gonna have to sympathize. I don’t really care for Madonna, and I think Leonard should stick to writing and leave the singing to more vocally gifted people like Justin Timberlake.
Or Wayne Gladstone (whose reigning godhood shall be harsh but fair).
March 14th, 2008 at 9:37 am
When speaking of great lyricists who are perhaps…lacking in the vocal department, I always think of Bob Dylan. Dylan wrote great songs and poetry, but sounded like his vocal cords wanted to run away and never be heard again. But I will forgive vocal failings if the lyrics are good enough.
I vote Cohen 2008!
March 14th, 2008 at 9:40 am
I don’t listen to much Cohen or Madonna, but I vote Cohen, because he influenced people like Elvis Costello and Madonna influenced people like Justin Timberlake.
March 14th, 2008 at 9:59 am
Ok, let me help yall cast your votes:
http://www.judiciaryreport.com/images/madonna_teeth.jpg
http://johngushue.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2007/05/26/leonard_cohen_seated_on_stool.jpg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcokdvY0bFw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHg5SJYRHA0
March 14th, 2008 at 10:49 am
Yes, Cora, you are wrong. Fuck you!
March 14th, 2008 at 10:50 am
@TillyKGB: Yep, he wrote the original.
Who the hell is Melanie? I clicked on that link fully expecting a rickroll, and even though it wasn’t, I sti-… Meh, nevermind, I just realized I couldn’t care less.
At any rate, I’m not a fan of either Cohen or Madonna, but Cohen annoys me less and influenced people of whom I am a fan, so he’s my pick.
March 14th, 2008 at 11:06 am
Melanies most famous song is “Brand New Key.” Screechy and sweet: “I got a brand new pair of roller skates, you got a brand new key…”
Her second most famous is “lay down candles in the rain”
Her third is. . . Melanie has 3 songs?
March 14th, 2008 at 11:23 am
Ah, OK. I remember “Brand New Key.” In that case….
Meh.
Now that song’s stuck in my head. Thank God I’ve got my mp3 player with me, or I’d be singing that all day.
March 14th, 2008 at 11:26 am
You’ve all no doubt noticed that the remakes and covers of Leonard’s songs are typically awesome.
March 14th, 2008 at 11:31 am
Madonna, all the way. If we didn’t have Madonna, we wouldn’t have Britney or Lohan or the rest…and then what would Cracked bloggers write about?
March 14th, 2008 at 11:39 am
Dick jokes.
March 14th, 2008 at 11:43 am
…and all sorts of nerdy things such as D&D and Fallout and seed vaults and alllllll those tags on the right-hand side of the screen. True, they might have to work at it a teensy bit harder without joke fodder such as the aforementioned starlets and harlots, but these men are profession-. Let me try that again; these men are profe-. Ok, they’re not bad at cracking jokes.
March 14th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Definitely yes about the covers. I’ve never heard a terrible cover of a Cohen song. I think that’s the main thing that convinced me that he IS as good a songwriter as people tell me. He just can’t perform.
March 14th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
You couldn’t get rid of the Miscroscoft word spell check squiggly lines for the flow chart? Rookie mistake, Mikey Swaim…
March 14th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
Believe me, I spent an hour trying to figure out how to just make a table in Wordpress like Gladstone does in HIS posts, but failed. I guess I’ll just never be him, no matter how hard I try or age and weight I gain.
March 14th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
Don’t give up! Your dreams are just an Amy Winehouse impression away!
March 14th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Yeah, Swaim is also incapable of getting my level of video graininess and sound distortion. Loser.
March 14th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
Leonard Cohen is awesome, I grew up on him, listened to him all through high school, he and Bruce Springsteen saved my life. Yeah, he sings a little slow, but the lyrics are incredibly beautiful. Just educating my little boy . . . McCabe and Mrs. Miller movie . . . Leonard Cohen soundtrack . . . as good as Eddie Vetter Into the Wild! Hallelujah!
March 14th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
Eddie VEDDER. Come on Mom.
March 14th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
So, Gladstone is sublimating his feelings for Justin Timberlake by blog-bashing him? Swaim is sublimating his feelings for Gladstone by implying that he once dated Justin Timberlake? And DOB is poorly disguising his desire for Hannah Montana with his campaign of MABisms?
This is why I’m marrying RoWo. And why the Cracked blog is my favorite (and only) soap opera.
March 14th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
Why is it that Leonard Cohen sounds alot like Jeremy Irons on that particular song. I thought I was watching a lost song from the Lion King.
March 14th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
Am I the only person who thinks Madonna sucks, and has always sucked? I doubt if there is anyone in history with a lower merit-to-fame ratio.
March 14th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
Really?! I’m not a fan, but I believe Seacrest, Daly, and Hilton have plumbed that ratio a lot more thoroughly than Madonna.
March 14th, 2008 at 6:53 pm
If you look at a snapshot of them in the specific time period in which they were big, sure, but Madonna’s been famous for over two decades. Daly’s all but gone, Hilton’s on her way out as well (I think), and I can’t imagine how Seacrest’s fame will continue after AI has faded. But at least he hosts a genuinely entertaining show. Bafflingly, Madonna’s fame has extended beyond the 80s and early 90s, when she at least had some relatively decent pop music to lean on (and I stress “relatively”). So I’m kind of adding the weight of her longetivity to the denominator, I guess.
As far as merit goes, ooooooh, she really rankled some stiff-necked social conservatives with her oh-so-edgy sexuality and in-your-face attitude. Her and everybody else. Big deal. People act like she was some kind of trailblazer, and I don’t buy it. She was a phony then and she’s a phony now.
March 15th, 2008 at 1:59 am
Campaign 08: Cohen Vs. Madonna.
I am going on my failsafe and write in Carol Channing.
March 15th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
On the bright side, Cohen gave Jeff Buckley “Hallelujah”, one of my favorite songs, and, in my mind, one of the best songs of all time. However, when I hear Cohen’s music, I can’t help but think it sounds like every bad 80’s pop song crammed into a few minutes.
I’ll confess that there are some Madonna songs that I like, but in many cases, bad lyrics go better with good music than good lyrics go with bad music.
I think we’re all forgetting that the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame has poor taste in selecting nominees. Guys like Alice Cooper and bands like Rush should’ve already been selected, but for some reason get overshadowed by overrated/underqualified musicians.
March 15th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
I know we’re done with the Timberlake bashing, but that photo, if you squint it looks like his Chinese tattoo spells ‘DIKK’.
Either there’s something he’s not telling us or his tattoo artist is a cruel cruel person.
March 15th, 2008 at 10:10 pm
Hey Stiles, you lazy bastard, you get rickrolled on the LAST link…..
Um, Madonna taught all of us girls who grew up on MTV in the late 80’s and early 90’s how to be slutty and freaky, so all of you boys who married us should be eternally grateful to Madonna for the hot sex you are now enjoying…..
March 16th, 2008 at 6:06 pm
As much as I hate to admit, I think Madonna has more musical importance than Leonard Cohen. It’s true that Cohen is a musical genius with a voice that is an acquired taste, but Madonna, despite being pretentious and unable to come to grips with loss of her looks, is still way more marketable than he is. It’s her image that’s gotten her this far. And let’s face it, people love floozies. So it’s with a heavy heart that I cast a vote for that psuedo-english harpy.
March 16th, 2008 at 6:30 pm
You’re right Crippy Boy. The best judge of musical importance marketability. Cultural and social relevance be damned. Viva the new revolution!
March 16th, 2008 at 9:17 pm
Ummm…viva looking at things realistically? I’m not saying that Madonna is a better musician or makes better music than Cohen. I believe the opposite is true with every fiber of my crippy boy being. But compare the number of how many people who know who Leonard Cohen is to the number of how many people know who Madonna is. Tell me whose records are most likely going to be recovered from the charred remains of our civilization whenever we bite the dust? Yes, social, but not cultural, relevance be damned.
March 17th, 2008 at 7:34 am
I agree with Crippy Boy, but don’t let it go to your head. Madonna is a marketing genius. She’s made it this far, largely on her own, due to her keen insight into what people want to see and when they want to see it. With that kind of a mind, you don’t need to be terribly creative.
March 17th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
So, what, you’re saying that most of Leonard Cohen’s songs sound like Madonna? I don’t think that’s exactly accurate, just some of the 80s ones do.
And yes, he’s not a good singer. Apparently on his latest album he’s letting his girlfriend handle lead vocals.