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6 Reasons the Irish Aren't So Lucky

By Kristi Harrison, Nathan Birch March 14, 2008 290,543 views
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Turns out the pot at the end of the rainbow is actually filled with turds.

Ah "The Luck of the Irish." Has a crueler phrase ever been coined? The sad truth is, the Irish are about as unlucky as a race can be while, you know, still being white.

While we may all be a little Irish on Saint Patrick's day, after this little history lesson you'll be grateful you no longer have to be Irish once your liver has filtered the green food dye out of your system (and if you actually are Irish, well, we're sorry).

#6.
The Damned Vikings

Historically the best protection a civilization can have against invasion is to be located on an island. Just look at Japan. Until being occupied by America following World War II (USA! USA!) it had never been successfully invaded (although you could argue the high density of ninjas in the country had something to do with it).

At any rate Ireland is an island, they should have had it made, right?

But what if around the 8th century a civilization living not far from Ireland were to develop a culture based on seafaring warfare, piracy and sporty horned helmets? Oh shit ...

... here come the Vikings.

The Vikings' modus operandi was to attack exclusively from the sea, pillage, rape and burn then sail off while trading hearty high fives and congratulatory butt slaps. In other words Ireland being an island nation, something traditionally of great advantage, ended up being a first-night-sober-after-an-alcoholic-binge sized nightmare.

Today we have a fairly harmless image of Vikings (due to the poor research that goes into Hagar the Horrible) but trust us when we tell you that the real Vikings were grade-A dicks. They were basically the bullies of the middle ages, and like that poor red-headed kid that spent most of middle school stuffed in his locker, the Irish were the Vikings' favorite targets and spent over 200 years being metaphorically swirlied.

#5.
The Ginger Problem

Speaking of red hair ...

In the Middle Ages, red hair was thought to mean you were a witch, werewolf or a vampire, so apparently there was a time in history other than our own where the sight of David Caruso would have been considered the ultimate horror. For other stretches in history, red hair was believed to mean one was surely a whore or had a wicked awful temper (later research has shown only around 60% of redheads are angry whores).

And even if you didn't fall victim to the superstitious associations with the world's rarest hair color, you certainly wouldn't enjoy some of the crappier consequences of having low levels of dark pigmentation. Like burning to a blistered, bubbly crisp when spending 15 minutes in the sun. Or ending a day at the beach with ungodly spots all over your face and ears and back and shoulders.

And if Al Gore knows what he's talking about at all, most of the world's redheads should be constructing a vast underground bunker for themselves as we speak, if they know what's good for them.

Of course this would only sort of suck if these creatures, most vulnerable to the rays of our otherwise life-giving sun, weren't also the most sensitive to pain. Seriously. By the way, which country has the world's highest concentration of redheads? Oh right, Ireland. We suppose it has a better ring to it than "God hates Irish people" but as far as appropriate national slogans go, "The luck of the Irish" isn't far behind "The easy and high paying jobs of the Mexicans."

#4.
The Damned Tudors

Folks really seem to love the Tudors, the English dynasty that ruled England from 1485 to 1603 and included monarchs like King Henry VIII and Elizabeth I. You seemingly can't swing Anne Boleyn's decapitated head without hitting a new TV show or movie starring either Henry VIII or Elizabeth, most of which focus on what Henry's penis happened to be doing while he was king or how Elizabeth made it in a man's world baby. But what was arguably the Tudor's favorite pastime is almost always overlooked. What was that you ask? Why brutally suppressing Ireland and trying to wipe out Irish culture of course!

Yes, once again Lady Luck had pissed in the Irish's stew. The Tudor line came to power when Henry VII defeated Richard III in the War of the Roses (a war that was a lot longer, more bitter and bloody than it's fruity name implies) and true to form the Irish had supported the losing side. Whoops.

From that point on the Tudors saw Ireland as a possible threat and a geographically vulnerable location. So they spent the next 100-years or so violently beating on the Irish like Moe on Curly.

Elizabeth in particular, contrary to the heroic soft-lit portrayal of her you see in the two "Elizabeth" movies, was one supreme bitch when it came to Irish. While trying to subdue Ireland, Elizabeth ordered the English to use scorched-earth tactics, burning the land and slaughtering man, woman and child. This caused widespead famine and countless thousands died from starvation alone.

She also set up plantations across Ireland populated with Protestant English settlers, the idea being that these would be the seeds from which English Protestantism would spring forth and overtake traditional Irish Catholic culture. What could go wrong with that?

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269 Comments

Did anyone else notice the irony that the last paragraph mentioned how well the Irish economy was doing, but that it would later f**k up?

Ireland has been hit the worst out of any of the countries of Europe from the recession. f*****g snap!

7/1/2009 4:25:04 PM
Callum828

this article sums up why we irish drink so much!very funny.
not to put a downer on it, but id like to point out that the 1916 rising was never planned to succeed.
all of the leaders knew theyd be killed, but since there was revolution in every generation before them, they decided to stage the rising to gain support for independance.among ordinary irish people as much as internationally.
thats why today, the easter rising is held in higher regard historically than the actual war of independence in the 1920s that finally got britain out of ireland (almost)
still go raibh mile maith agat for the article, ta se go h-aontach! :-)

7/1/2009 5:44:19 AM
Buachaill

Good article, had me laughing AND it was informative, kinda 4got about the whole troubles era tho, but I suppose a section on it would be a bit too risky as it hasn't really ended yet, and trolls would start breeding so fast in the comments it'd look like Middle Earth.

6/28/2009 8:22:06 AM
procrastinatron

As the mother of a lovely redheaded child, I can say that it is MY LUCK to have such a great kid. From the strangers that rubbed his cute little redhead for luck to our family members that take pride in pointing him out in a crowd, my boy is definately unique.
Yes, I do call him my special little 'Ginger Child' and thanx to South Park, he find this amusing... but being different and singled out has made him a stronger person & he has a great sense of humor about his luck. He says that everygirl that touches his head is LUCKY (as a Mom, I find this embarrasing but....) I love redhair, and our Irish heritage, and I can't wait to see my redheaded grandbabies.... I'm glad to have given him that rarely inherited gene that just keeps on rearing it 'ugly', stubborn, humourous, industrious, worldwide-valuable redhead! Someday, we'll be as rare as proper English grammar... ;o}

5/6/2009 4:39:32 PM
indig0c0gnito

A friend of mine was once in Thailand rooming with a Scotsman and an Irishman and they always gave him s**t about being a Yankee heathen. One night while drinking, he shot back to the Scotsman, 'Yeah, well at least we had the sense to kick the Brits out of our country,' and this set the Irish guy rolling. My buddy turned to the Irishman and said, 'Oh, you think that's funny? What I meant to say was we kicked them -all the way- out.'

4/25/2009 7:11:51 PM
masamonkey

Err...Scotland has more redheads than Ireland.

But then again, Scotland isn't a country. Technically.

4/25/2009 12:49:48 PM
CorruptUser

Wolfe Tone actually took about a week to die from the cut throat. Wiki:

On 10 November 1798, he was found guilty and was sentenced to be hanged on 12 November. Before this sentence was carried out, he attempted suicide by slitting his throat. The story goes that he was initially saved when the wound was sealed with a bandage, and he was told if he tried to talk the wound would open and he'd bleed to death. He responded with the statement 'so be it'. He died on 19 November 1798

4/25/2009 11:51:50 AM
Bombastus

Wow. What a great idea for an article (if only John Belushi hadn't done it - and done it better - on Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update over thirty years ago).

4/24/2009 9:50:56 PM
Deekay723

When Wolfe Tone cut his throat he bled to death over some insane amount of time.

9-10 hours or something seriously fucked up like that.

4/24/2009 4:01:25 PM
Shalashaska

Where is that Boydo? f**k I've never heard of the place!!

And Yarp you said it in one boy!! At least you know the craic with the english (doesn't even deserve a capital E)!!

4/24/2009 2:36:29 PM
jaffa2008

brain boru knocked the s**t out of the vikings at clontarf, and we got our revenge on the English in the 20's, but when Collin's spauds killed alot of british spies,they shot alot of civilains in croke park and when we ambushed their black and tans, they burned down Cork, so you can see the crowd the irish have to deal with

but hey let bygones be bygones if you don't have bad blood with your neighbours who are yeh... canada! ah ha ha ha

4/24/2009 9:47:31 AM
s-lad

and enter the recession! ya it should be said that 1916 was intended as a blood sacrifice to inspire more widespread resistance and in that sense it was a spectacular success, with republicans winning elections in landslides and independence just 5 years later.

kghayes, nowhere in this article did the writer say anything derogatory about the irish. you are a w*nker, and probably english. rgds, dec.

4/24/2009 9:22:07 AM
fiannaflubert

In our defense we a lot of those revolutions came about shortly after a trip to the pub. And I'm fairly certain the Easter rising was a planned blood sacrifice, intended to inspire a larger rebellion, which happened. Our big problem was we had a few centuries of being ruled exclusively by pricks and gobshites, a tradition which actually continues to this day. I guess its no surpirise its "murphy's" law, not Smith, Browne or Montoya's law. Its no wonder we drink so much.

4/24/2009 8:59:28 AM
Shanewire

I read the six comments before me and I found one comment that claimed that the article, which was written in a rather witty style, is offensive. Offensive content in a comedy website, imagine that! I stopped at six because I read "true histories" and Illuminati, and had to go silence the fool who found us ou-

I mean the good fellow who clearly is insane. Yup.

4/24/2009 8:43:30 AM
Runamoine

kghayes this is a humor website so like calm down

4/19/2009 10:13:56 PM
lol2muchflames

@kghayes: Isn't that the point? It's the ridiculous amount of ridicule and hardship that the Irish have been faced with that give us so much pride.

I mean, really, what is Irish pride without the plethora of reasons to beat the s**t out of British people on St. Pattie's Day?

3/31/2009 11:11:21 AM
stillhilarious

kghayes, perhaps you should chillax. The writer of this article was making a humorous observation at bad things which have happened to the irish. before you get on your high horse and say i dont know s**t, i'm descended from an irish family so i think u need to calm the f**k down. its the differences in our cultures which makes things funny. people make fun of my country (scotland) for essentially being england's prison b***h for the past few hundred yeats. youve got to see the funny side mate.

3/19/2009 2:25:32 PM
dannybrown

This might actually be the most ignorant piece of writing I have ever read. I can't think of any civilization or culture that hasn't been subject to ridicule and hardships. I think if someone is going to get on here and post ignorant opinions like this, they should be ripped of any ability to write ever again. The Irish have proven to be an integral part in the development of the greatest nation in the world. They have also proven that tyranny and supressing a people only makes them that much more resilient to life's hardships. I am extremely proud of my Irish heritage and consider myself "lucky" to be a part of the Irish family. You should probably spend your time more wisely by educating yourself on the good things about people.

3/17/2009 1:48:24 PM
kghayes

Well, Henry and Elizabeth both shared the Irish propensity for redheadedness. As for why everyone's so fascinated with the Tudors, it's because their lives are basically a soap opera without the secret twins.

I'm surprised you didn't mention the whole IRA, though.

1/4/2009 8:23:55 PM
Viorica

basically buddy all you have covered is the basics of a litte irish history you have no idea about true irish history because it has never been written down or told to worthless humans like you...your an american and you have no idea the history behind your very own government and what is yet to come..i fear for you making fun of supreme races that will one day have a bigger population then whatever yours is because most of your people will be killed off oh n the french revolution happend because the illuminati wanted to get rid of the french monarchy because it would be gettin in the way of a one world government

12/24/2008 12:34:55 PM
shott44

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