Happy New Year to the eight people who read the Saturday Round-up!
We decided to start 2008 off right by giving you articles about alcoholism AND Nazis. It's one of our many resolutions, as you can clearly see.
CRACKED's 2008 Resolutions:
-Write more lists.
-Meet Christian Bale.
-Write at least one article a week detailing either socially degenerative drinking habits or genocidal hate groups (check and check, we might add).
-Touch Christian Bale's face.
-Expose Hannah Montana for the lying, closet-terrorist that she (probably) is.
What are YOUR resolutions? Post them below; we swear we won't ignore the hell out of them.(hint: extremely). Ian Cooper tells you stuff you probably learned years ago, and Ross finally wanders back into our lives after a brief, unannounced absence.
As Seen on TV: The 10 Most Laughably Misleading Ads
To be honest, if you were dumb enough to buy the revolutionary round toothbrush or the stupid, ridiculous magnet pen, you deserve to be disappointed when it ultimately fails you.
Notable Comment: The Miracle Knives have found a supporter (possibly their first) in Cracked Commenter Davon who says, "I was sitting at work when I watched the ad for Miracle Knives. It was so beautiful that I fell to my knees weeping and wringing my hands. I truly believe that these knives are the second coming of Christ. To think of how I used to slave over the counter for hours on end hacking fruitlessly at tomatoes and turkey without mercy, lashing out at friends and family because my meat was ruined and I just couldn't stand it anymore. I was a destitute man, nearly bankrupt and slowly starving. But, now that I can prepare my roasts the right way, I've found a new spark. I've started talking to my parents again, I'm working on paying back all my backlogged child support bills and I've mailed out gift baskets to the local orphanages. Seriously, these knives may be the best thing to happen to America since our declaration of independence from England." Take THAT light bulb, baseball and Civil Rights!
A HISTORY OF ALCOHOLISM!
The Drunkest Generation: 10 Reasons Your Grandpa Could Drink You Under the Table
You don't need us to point out more reasons why you're just a more disappointing and less masculine version of your badass grandpa but ... well, we're doing it anyway. If you were even half the man your grandpa was, you wouldn't be crying about it.
Notable Comment: Ross says, "I wonder what the next generation will think of us. Binge drinking will probably be replaced by those sex helmets from Demolition Man, or else they'll all be drinking drug-laced milk." And mentioning this comment fulfills both our Demolition Man and sex helmet quotas for the year. Thank you, Ross.
CELEBRITIES ARE RETARDED!
The 20 Most Bizarre Celebrity Baby Names
Come on, Nicolas Cage, give your kid a real name. He's already got it bad enough simply by being the unfortunate spawn of a bland forehead-monster that makes shitty movies about stealing history and taking people's faces off or something. Some shit.
Notable Comment: The comment section was bloated with appropriate additions to the list, (Suri Cruise, Pirate) inappropriate additions to the list (Hank, Becky), and two complaints that we didn't mention Frank Zappa's kids, even though we totally fucking did. To the people who suggested names like Suri and Pirate, thank you. To those who suggested Hank and Becky, lookup the words "bizarre" and "celebrity." And, to the people who suggested Frank Zappa's kids ... well, you're probably not reading this either, so do whatever the hell you want.
NAZIS NAZIS NAZIS!
Third Reich to Fortune 500: 5 Popular Brands the Nazis Gave Us
We're not saying you're a Nazi if you use any of the products mentioned on this list, but you totally are.
Lasse says, "Damn! Hugo Boss made nazi uniforms? thank god I am to poor to buy any of those clothes. By the way, it is spelled 'Schutzstaffel.'" By the way, Lasse, it is spelled "too." You want to step to us on spelling and grammar? We WILL fuck you up, metaphorically speaking.
VIN DIESEL'S A NERD!
8 Celebrities You Didn’t Know Were Geeks
Not only are these celebrities wealthier and better looking than you, they could out-nerd you any day of the week.
Notable Comment: Wild Marker asks, "how about Lex Friedman?" You're a celebrity, Lex! The CRACKED staff can FINALLY get into all of those swanky celebrity parties on rooftops and giant boats and whatnot. We'll be entering rehab and naming our kids after stupid bullshit by the end of the week. This is our year!
The News on Cracked
Speaking of Lex Friedman, this week he gets the inside scoop on Tom Bosley (it turns out he's still alive), listens to tough questions and iPhone etiquette with Kirk Filch and iJustine, respectively, and gives you the greatest song about caucuses you're likely to hear today. It's the news but, you know, for idiots.
Cracked unveils its revolutionary "Dick Joke Machine"
After years of imprisonment with no hope of release, General Zod decides to learn
a musical instrument.
What REALLY happened after Han Solo was encased in carbonite...
Bruce knew grizzlies were dangerous, but when one of the bears broke his leg,
twisted it backwards and began kicking his own nuts with it, he began to appreciate
just how bad this mauling was going to be...
That's so weird. Why stain the chairs, but leave the table with a natural
"Alright all I have to do is hide these statues I made out of the surplus cocaine
before the cops get here and-OH MY GOD THE FUCKING SPIDERS ARE BACK!"
The Sinead O'Connor sex dolls weren't exactly flying off of the shelves...
Editor's pick (tie):
"He went thata way!!"
However, once Mike reached the final level, he realized he would have to go back
and find that extra arm to trade for the pogo stick.
Jeff heard that Red Bull gives you wings, but what he didn't know was that it also
TAKES your clothes.
Now that mike had installed the rudder between his legs, it became much easier to
steer during long flights.
Little known fact: for a brief period, David Lynch served as a guest director on
When Spiderman needs a volleyball net, Spiderman makes a volleyball net.
The Olsen Twins shuddered. Someone on the beach was thinner than they were.
When mermaids have peglegs.
Instagram influencers are often absurd.
A good horror story is hard to pull off.
All commercials are a least a little weird.
These actions stars were so bad at being badass, they were just ass.