A HISTORY OF ALCOHOLISM!
The Drunkest Generation: 10 Reasons Your Grandpa Could Drink You Under the Table
You don't need us to point out more reasons why you're just a more disappointing and less masculine version of your badass grandpa but ... well, we're doing it anyway. If you were even half the man your grandpa was, you wouldn't be crying about it.
Notable Comment: Ross says, "I wonder what the next generation will think of us. Binge drinking will probably be replaced by those sex helmets from Demolition Man, or else they'll all be drinking drug-laced milk." And mentioning this comment fulfills both our Demolition Man and sex helmet quotas for the year. Thank you, Ross.
CELEBRITIES ARE RETARDED!
The 20 Most Bizarre Celebrity Baby Names
Come on, Nicolas Cage, give your kid a real name. He's already got it bad enough simply by being the unfortunate spawn of a bland forehead-monster that makes shitty movies about stealing history and taking people's faces off or something. Some shit.
Notable Comment: The comment section was bloated with appropriate additions to the list, (Suri Cruise, Pirate) inappropriate additions to the list (Hank, Becky), and two complaints that we didn't mention Frank Zappa's kids, even though we totally fucking did. To the people who suggested names like Suri and Pirate, thank you. To those who suggested Hank and Becky, lookup the words "bizarre" and "celebrity." And, to the people who suggested Frank Zappa's kids ... well, you're probably not reading this either, so do whatever the hell you want.