How Hot Is THAT?: Penelope Cruz Edition
Let’s play a game. We’ll call it: How Hot Is THAT? I’ll give you some factual information and you tell me how hot it is. (I’ll play along too):
1. Penelope Cruz is going to be in a new music video.
Well, I’ve never been that big a fan, and thinking about Tom Cruise making out with her —or thinking about Cruz hanging around waiting for Tom Cruise to make out with her— is kind of a buzzkill. Still, Penelope Cruz, y’know? So I’m giving that a 7 out of 10 on the prurient interests hotness scale.
2. Penelope Cruz is playing one of two translators asked to translate a Spanish Lesbian porn film.
Wow. Bet you didn’t see that coming. O.K. Now we’re talking a serious 8.
3. At one point during the video, Penelope Cruz starts making out with the other female Spanish translator.
Gooooaaaaaaaal!!!!!!!!!!!! That’s got to be a solid 9.
4. The other translator is played by Penelope’s real life sister.
Uuuuhhhh, hmmmm….. Yeah, I’m going to abstain from voting. After all, I just did a barely illegal Hannah Montana post this week. But hey, you feel free to place your votes in the comments below.
UPDATE!
THANKS TO THE COMMENTS BELOW AND YOUTUBE:
___
Gladstone writes for Cracked and others. Go to Wayne Gladstone Lives in Maine to see all his published stuff, links to his other worthless endeavors, and his full name and state of residence.
January 2nd, 2008 at 4:40 pm
Incest is kind of a boner killer, so I’d say that it goes down to 8.5
January 2nd, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Well… she does look a bit like David Cone with Down Syndrome… so 9.5
January 2nd, 2008 at 4:54 pm
Ya que es un blog sobre una chica hispana, pues aquí les va un comentario en español: es razonablemente bonita, pero ni para tanto.
January 2nd, 2008 at 5:04 pm
I’d have to see a picture of her sister, frankly.
January 2nd, 2008 at 5:05 pm
Incest is an automatic 10.
January 2nd, 2008 at 5:05 pm
10 out of 10, and stop being such a baby. What does “sister” even mean, really? It’s a word, you know? Like, in number 4 up there, replace the word “sister” with some other word, like chair, for example. “The other translator is played by Penelope’s real life chair.” Is THAT offensive? No sir, not in this man’s America.
January 2nd, 2008 at 6:10 pm
Look, I think we can all agree that incest is totally awesome. The real question is whether there isn’t some way to work in other taboos. What if they cut to someone taking a dump? Or you could throw a donkey into the mix. WHAT ABOUT SHITTING DONKEYS??? OMG ARE YOU CUMMING YET?
January 2nd, 2008 at 6:11 pm
What if we were to replace the word “sister” with something else besides chair? Say, “The other translator is played by Penelope’s real life DANIEL O’BRIEN SUCKZORXZ!!!11!!!!!111!.” I’d say you’d find that pretty offensive, Mr. O’Brien. Not only did I insult you, I did it with improper grammar and a faulty grip on the shift key. Thus, I win.
January 2nd, 2008 at 6:25 pm
Ironically, Daniel O’Brien is Gaellic for “penelope cruz’s real life sister.”
January 2nd, 2008 at 7:05 pm
Well, of course O’Brien gives it 10/10, because he/she gets to make out with Penelope Cruz.
January 2nd, 2008 at 8:01 pm
On a scale of one to a billion, I’d give it a zillion, except that I don’t believe it.
January 2nd, 2008 at 10:13 pm
it all depends on what her sister looks like honestly.
January 2nd, 2008 at 11:11 pm
http://img56.exs.cx/img56/5782/monica89trobel3bf.jpg
I give you Monica Cruz. My pants…have come off.
January 3rd, 2008 at 12:14 am
When does this movie come out?
January 3rd, 2008 at 12:59 am
I fail to see what all the fuss is about. If I had a sister (who looked like either of the Cruz sisters), I would kiss her exactly as they kiss each other in this video. It all seems perfectly innocent and above-board to me.
January 3rd, 2008 at 1:38 am
Gladstone are you and your significant other having problems? Just curious because your last couple of posts have basically been about masturbation. Like my grandaddy use to say
” get a hooker and be sure to use a rubber”.
January 3rd, 2008 at 6:39 am
“Girls are nice, but they’re not the real thing.”
-Mike Patton of Faith No More
January 3rd, 2008 at 6:48 am
A Faith No More Quote! Yay!!!!!!!
I have to correct you glendoor42. There are no masturbation references in this post. And the Hannah post was about “blogging.”
Before these posts, I did posts on Harold Ford, Will Smith, and Denzel Washington.
These things just kind of work in trends it seems. Y’know, the way Swaim blogs about pornography, or technological gadgets, or pornography.
January 3rd, 2008 at 8:47 am
In Spain, all movies are about sex. I’m pretty sure that even low-cost productions such as new-hire training videos feature scantily-clad or naked Penelope Cruz look-alikes, delivering lines such as “Mark off the area with an orange safety cone” in breathy, excited tones.
Also, the age of consent is 12 over there. 12. That’s a newborn baby, aged 144 months. If that excites any of you, stay the fuck out of my town.
January 3rd, 2008 at 9:21 am
This was already pretty great, but then I read the linked article. “They pose suggestively with [their brother], before succumbing to temptation”. That’s a definite 10.
January 3rd, 2008 at 10:34 am
Man, first it was underage lesbianism and now it’s lesbian incest. You’re on quite the roll, Gladstone. I think you’ve set the bar too high. This is definitely a solid 10. How on God’s sweet clean Earth are you going to top this?
January 3rd, 2008 at 10:39 am
Family members do kiss on the lips (IN SOME COUNTRIES) but I find it really wrong, I guess to them its perfectly innocent but in the context of this video it is incest so….do they know they are being incestuous or do they think they are just being ‘affectionate’? Also, why is Micheal Swaim always here?
January 3rd, 2008 at 12:50 pm
http://youtube.com/watch?v=sVWMyplk_RE
yea……
ten.
January 3rd, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Where’s the makeout? I couldn’t sit through the whole thing. Although, the guy affirming how “rocking” the song is at 1:55 is classic.
January 3rd, 2008 at 1:24 pm
wow, post alleged soft-core porn and Swaim comments within 3 minutes. shocking.
January 3rd, 2008 at 1:54 pm
You uptight Yanks, getting your knickers in a bunch over nothing more shocking than an implied incestuous threesome! I say!
January 3rd, 2008 at 3:13 pm
Ha ha ‘Sweett Films’. Oh Ian, it should be “Getting your knickers on a twist over little more than an affectionate embrace between two females of the same sex who happen to be related! How very uptight of you Yanks!”
Yours is still good though.
January 4th, 2008 at 11:55 am
They switched the sister in during the kissing thing with Mía Maestro cause her sister looks just like her. Incest was dodged thankfully.
January 5th, 2008 at 10:10 am
Moshimoshi, you have ruined this for all of us.
January 5th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
Hot lesbian incest!? YES!!!!!
January 5th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
I just checked it. Yeah, looks like Moshimoshi is right. But that means Starpulse got something wrong. HOW COULD THAT BE??????????????
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