We can say with some certainty that the federal government is not, in fact, a front for the lizard people.
It's a statistical fact that going to see a doctor is worse than a biting a sandwich and finding a really long hair enrobed in warm mayonnaise dangling from your lips afterward ... No one likes the doctor.
Why would so many corporations give their seemingly mundane mascots backstories so dark they might have wandered out of a David Lynch film?
It feels like the world is on fire sometimes, doesn't it? We're about to make everything so, so much worse.
I don't know how long the weirdness has been there, but I wish I would've scrolled down the page just a little bit more to reach the Promised Land sooner.
You want to wear that 'This Is My Costume' T-shirt again this Halloween, you go right on ahead.
This is your daily reminder that we are all but sacks of meat that can and will crumble and rot as surely as last night's Chipotle.
They say the past is a foreign country, but what they've neglected to tell you is that it's a country full of horrors that want you dead.
We tell ourselves that the chilling tales we hear online and around the campfire can't be true, because we like being able to leave the house without collapsing into a broken ball of anxiety. But it's time once again to pop that little bubble of self-deception.
My wheelchair often becomes a small elephant in the room wherever I go.
Stranger Things has made Dungeons & Dragons cool again, even if the show does take place in an era when playing it meant risking getting your head shoved into a toilet.
Sometimes you stumble upon a mystery and set about investigating, only to find that every aspect is weirder than the last. It's like if at the end of a Scooby-Doo episode, Velma tore off the monster's mask and saw her own face staring back.
I have to take your hand in mine and lead you on a journey to places you think you don't want to go.
The rules for ghosts are all over the place, and even the things that are constant are confusing.