Are the celebrations herein involving fire and dicks and animal shit any stranger than, say, New Year's Eve, or Mardi Gras? Actually, yes.
The I am not composed of extremely low pH water and hatred of all things fun. The problem with my fun times, however, is that there are outside forces pissing them away from me.
Obviously some people seem to be training to win the gold in the screwed-up priorities Olympics.
No matter how hot the subject of your crush, they've experienced those awful events in life that wick away your sexiness.
Millions of us are so terrified of or disinterested in having kids that we'll literally never do it. But the world's population keeps inflating like a balloon because there are plenty of people at the opposite end of that spectrum. Way, way at the opposite end.
We all love our pets, but rich people can express that love in insane ways the rest of us had no idea were even possible. So while we might treat our dog to a helping of table scraps and a belly rub, the wealthy can spend thousands of dollars on baffling luxury products, like these.
You don't like visiting museums, and it's time to stop pretending you do.
How many times have you almost died? If your answer is 'Somewhere between two and 14 times,' then you're probably on this list.
So you let yourself down. That's OK, it happens to everyone, though probably not to the same degree or with the same consistency as it happens to you. But that's OK: I'm here to help.