Early Access in gaming is just like the rest of the Internet: technology that started off as a great idea but is now full of dicks and scams.
Dear film-creating deities, if you could pause from your cocaine-fueled genital parties for a few minutes, allow me to suggest a few things.
With all of my years of shooting people's faces clean off, on every platform imaginable, I can tell you that not only is the Wii U's 'Splatoon' a great game ... it's a literal savior.
Many of the things we dislike most about modern video games have been skidmarks on the industry for longer than the 'Super Mario Bros.' movie.
I know that I have to protect America. And by 'protect America,' I mean play BioShock eight years after it came out.
The general public is (finally) starting to realize there's money to be made in video games, and that it's not an annoying, nerdy little thing that will go away if you punch it enough.
A good game will convince you that's really you galloping across meadows. Or, you know, just being a colossal dick for no reason.
Sometimes, the more they try to make sense of a video game's story, the more it becomes a convoluted mess only a complete maniac could understand.
We spoke with Matthew Cox, a senior artist, and Zach Baker, a programmer, who kindly agreed to tell us about their time working on the 'Waterworld' of gaming.
Thank you, noble video game developers.
Please join me as I break out my original Game Boy and experience magical video game adventures.