Welcome back to Everything is Gaming. After making some very dumb dating mistakes, I’ve finally learned what it takes to have a functional, healthy relationship. And today I’m sharing those lessons through the beautiful and horny examples found in some of the world’s best video games. Enjoy, learn, then go forth and love. Communication is the basis of all good relationships so before reading any further, hear this: SPOILER ALERTS.

Mass Effect

 

BioWare

If only we had more than one playthrough for life.

There’s not just one person out there for you. One of the greatest game series of all time has one of the greatest lessons: you have more than one “soulmate” out there. Just like Shepard can romance multiple different characters and still save the universe, you don’t need to stress so much about finding “the perfect match”. Because that doesn’t exist. Each play through (relationship) will have its own trial, tribulations, and triumphs.

Animal Crossing

 

Nintendo

You're going to decorate together, so make sure you're a good fit.

Find someone who fits your aesthetic. For many people, finding a romantic partner culminates in sharing and building a island home together. You’ll end up fighting less and canoodling more if you both vibrate at the same decorative frequency. Does she like flowers and pastels? Or does she want to renovate and make your apartment into a steampunk dystopia? Ask before you sign a lease folks.

Hades

 

Supergiant Games

So hot, so mean.

The hottest people are sometimes the meanest people. Rippling abs does not a good partner make. End tweet.

Skyrim

 

Bethesda

Find a buddy to accompany you on your quest through life.

Be friends first. Long lasting partnerships are built on friendship. Dragging Lydia around as your housecarl is a great precursor to settling down in Whiterun and adopting a few creepy children. This is true in life, you should befriend your partner before locking it down in a temple.

The Witcher 3

 

CD Projekt Red

I don't know what weirdos out there are choosing Triss but go off king.

Trust is key. Yen makes Geralt jump through hoops (aka get on a boat) to track down the djinn so Yen will know if their love is real. She couldn’t trust him until they were both free of the spell that bound them in a passionate state. Sometimes you’ll have to go the extra mile to earn your partner’s trust, but if the love is really there, it’ll all be worth it. 

Stardew Valley

 

ConcernedApe

I romanced the mean blonde one and had to give her a million coconuts if you know what I mean.

Know their love language. Giving gifts is the only way to romance someone in Stardew Valley, but it’s not the only tool available to you IRL. Knowing if your crush responds best to loving words, comforting touch, or you going on fetch quests for them will do a lot of leg work in the relationship and get you closer to whatever your relationship goals are.

Assassin’s Creed Odyssey

 

Ubisoft

Quickie and a quest, that's all it is.

Not all love is forever. In AC Odyssey, most of the romantic quests are love ‘em and leave ‘em. And even if you meet again, you might have missed your shot. Not all loves are meant to be of epic proportions. Sometimes a roll in the hay and a mythical weapon in your inventory is all a relationship was meant to be.

Red Dead Redemption 2

 

Rockstar Games

They went through so much.

Adversity will test you. John and Abigail are a love story for the ages not because either was perfect, but because Abigail forced John to become a better man. Because of her influence on him, he was able to defy all odds to save her. It may not have ended happily for them, but they were stronger because of the challenges they faced together.

Mario

 

Nintendo

Fun in the sun is a great litmus test.

If you can vacation together, that’s a good sign. No matter how many gorilla’s try to steal your princess, if you can get through planning and executing a successful vacation as a couple, that’s a good sign for romantic longevity.

Zelda Games

 

Nintendo

I'm making this screenshot my wallpaper because it's so emotionally resonant.

The Sims 4

 

EA

If you want to be this happy, you need to clean the tub frequently.

Your environment affects you. If you live somewhere with your partner that’s messy, it’s going to stress both of you out. Keep it clean, keep it happy.

Crusader Kings 3

 

Paradox Interactive

Hopefully your spouse won't try to poison you…

Your partner’s family will affect you. In Crusader Kings 3 you’re building a legacy to last. And while you may not be conquering any neighboring nations because of a treaty with your mother-in-law, your partner’s fam will still be in the picture. And just like in the game, you can’t really change them, best to accept that early on. 

Cyberpunk 2077

 

CD Projekt Red

The one that got away.

Some people just won’t be into you. Even though it’s total and complete minotaur crap that you can’t romance everyone in the game based off of your character's physique, it is pretty realistic. Sometimes folks just won’t like you. And as much as that sucks, all you can do is move on and be confident in the knowledge that someone else will. Can you tell I’m still bitter about getting rejected by Judy?

Final Fantasy 7

 

Square Enix

*Sob*

Treasure your time together, because you never know how much you’ve got left. Life is as fleeting as a touch of Phoenix Down, so ignore the petty stuff and enjoy the person you’re with while you still have them. I’m not crying, you’re crying.

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