A quick look at the news should make you thankful that you're not currently running and screaming from some disaster or another.
It is a foregone conclusion that Hilary Clinton is going to win the Democratic nomination, to the chagrin of the keyboard-killers who thought Sanders would be our POTUS for the next 60 years.
Honor killing claims 5,000 lives every year. And for some young Muslims, mostly women, all it takes to become a statistic is living a normal adult life.
ISIS has a magazine. That is not a joke. An actual glossy, full-color magazine called Dabiq, complete with feature articles and photo spreads.
The news can seem like a crossover between the 'Saw' franchise and 'Groundhog Day.'
Look, folks, portraying the youth of today as Archie and Jughead hopped up on The Weeknd and emojis isn't going to make the world a less stupid place.
Following the news every day will make you wonder why Matt Damon didn't just ask to stay on Mars.
The upcoming election is a total clown car. So we might as well have fun with it.
With all this credulity-straining clickbait everywhere, it's reasonable to assume that everybody who writes for the Internet is in truth the same stoned intern.
When artillery starts exploding you want to be as mobile as possible - begin by disabling your car safety belts.
Following the news is like reading a superhero comic in which the heroes actually stay dead.
Listen, I don't scare easily, but f**k a bug. All bugs.
Unsurprisingly, the move toward making horror-based entertainment more like watching a person get murdered for real has extended to haunted houses in recent years.
Forget Kim Kardashian's bum. Star Wars: The Force Awakens is breaking the internet.
The news is like a very confusing story written by a novelist who was trying to treat his chronic paranoia with cocaine.